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Original poster

new relationships?

18 replies

nikkie · 28/05/2006 19:41

My xh brought the kids back tonight and took me to one side to tell me he is 'seeing someone'.
I'm not bothered about whoever he 'sees' but just wondering about any ground rules for new partners and the kids.
Anyone got any ideas?

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winnie · 28/05/2006 19:55

nikkie I think ideally there should be ground rules but this assumes both parties will behave reasonably (which seems not to happen often).

How old are your children?
How long is it since you split up?

I think these things make a difference to the situation.

Also, how long has he been seeing the new someone for?

Things that will worry me when this happens with x.

If she is sleeping there when ds is.
If they are doing things all together and x has only just started seeing her.
If she suddenly becomes the priority above and beyond ds.
Does she have children?

mistressmiggins · 28/05/2006 20:07

I am in this situation and attended first joint mediation on Friday

we agreed to break children in slowly

so this weekend they stayed at his new house but GF was away
next time kids stay & she stays elsewhere ocming to visit on the Sunday
time after that day out together
then MAYBE they will start staying with her IF the kids seem comfortable

I agree with Winnie - depends on the age of the children & what they understand

Original poster
nikkie · 28/05/2006 20:09

Kids are 6 &4
We split 5 years ago but dd1 has recently been very confused over the issue of divorce as she had seen my wedding pics at his parents house.

He never gave me any more details but I took it to be fairly recent as we move in similar circles and I hadn't heard any gossip!

He still lives with his parents and the kids visit there and his mother helps him as he can't cope with both of them!So this is one thing I would worry about if it was him & her rather than his Mum being there.

Also if they sleep there they share a room with him so she couldn't be there too.

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gigglinggoblin · 28/05/2006 20:11

it took me months to introduce dp to my kids as anything more than just a friend. they were very young when we met, but i didnt want them getting attached to someone who may not have been staying around. they started off seeing him at our house occasionally, then we went for a day out all together and just took it slowly from there. tbh im not sure if it would have bothered them if we had done it faster, kids take so much in their stride. as long as its not a different gf every month im sure they will cope fine

Original poster
nikkie · 28/05/2006 20:18

Thats what I'm bothered about, dd1 gets attached to people and would be upset if she met xh gf then they split up.I want to prempt(sp?) him mentioning the kids meeting her with'rules' so I can avoid this.

I think they are used to not having to share a parent (with their partner too).I haven't been with anyone since we split and up til now he hasn't mentioned anyone (I know about some when we first split up though). So this may not go down well either.

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Original poster
nikkie · 29/05/2006 20:53

anymore ideas

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singledadofthree · 29/05/2006 22:30

you all seem very refined about the intro's. my ex got thru loads of fellas, altho shes slowed down now, kids never seem to have been bothered, they still stay as and when they like.

bluejelly · 30/05/2006 08:24

I'm not sure if there needs to be ground rules other than being straightforward and calm.
I split up with my daughter's father in 2003, started dating someone in 2004, introduced to dd straight away.. After 18 months we broke up. We're all still good friends ( well not all three of us but i am friends with both my exes) and my dd doesn't seem particularly concerned about it all. We've had lots of chats about people having different partners at different stages in their lives, that we are all still friends, that I will always live with her no matter what. She seems fine about it all, though still asks when I'm going to meet someone I can get married to so she can be the bridesmaid Grin

I think children can cope with change as long as the people around them are calm and honest and reliable. No doubt she will turn round and tell me I've ruined her life when she is a stroppy teenager, but don't they all do that?

spook · 30/05/2006 08:50

Hi Nikkie. I have been in this same situation myself (I was the one with the new partner) though bit different coz me and exhusband only been split a year so Ds's still hurting. We did it slowly but surely but to be honest I really don't know what I was worried about.
Kids take so much more in their stride than we give them credit for. All they saw was someone who made their mummy happy again-after a long period of sadness.
They even joked about me K.I.S.S.I.N.G my bf up a tree!
And if you ex still lives with his mum they can hardly be having sex from the chandeliers whilst the kids are asleep next door.
It is hard for you to have to think of your children with another woman but it really will hopefully all take its natural course and your children will not even flinch! Good luck.

bluejelly · 30/05/2006 09:04

LOL at kissing bf up a tree, Spook!

Original poster
nikkie · 04/06/2006 21:36

Well turns out kids met her yesterday.
Have had dd1 upset today wouldn't tell me why at first then dd2 (1 hour of dd1s tears later) mentioned daddys friend.
dd1 still can't get her head round divorce so thinks I am still married to xh and if you are married can't have a gf.She also thought I would be upset!She wouldn't talk to him tonight as she was upset.
Have torn strips off xh for not telling me and apparently all the women in the family already had!
AND apparently I will get to meet her next week at his brothers wedding!

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singledadofthree · 04/06/2006 23:03

sorry to hear this nikkie. kids do hope that their parents would get back together and with you not having other partners i guess your two still held on to it. cant suggest what to say to them but you'll have to put it as simply and gently as you can to them - which you maybe have now. as for ex - well you can say what you like to him, but he's going to have to talk to them about it too. is never easy, but they can get used to it quicker than us at times.

Original poster
nikkie · 05/06/2006 20:08

Thing was that we never explained divorce as dd1 was 20 months and dd2 wasn't born when we split up so they have never known us living together really.
Talked to d1s teacher today and she found a book for her to look at about divorce but if anyone knows anymore?

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singledadofthree · 05/06/2006 22:45

nikkie - have took a look on google and there's plenty about. thing is, you want to take a look first to see if they're suitable. have you tried your local library? an awkward thing to ask a librarian about i know, but may be useful.
will see my vicar's wife in the morning so will ask her, she knows a bit and has fostered so may suggest something.
have only just got the gist of your situation, so well done so far, is not good to see kids getting upset like this, sure you'll all handle it well.

Original poster
nikkie · 07/06/2006 19:44

Thanks am going to try the library at the weekend

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Original poster
nikkie · 11/06/2006 21:11

Got some books , they didn't have any story ones but dd1 has been reading a 'what is divorce?' type one and quizzing me! think she understands a bit more.
She wasn't happy yesterday at wedding with exh as his gf wa sthere and she had wanted me to go all day too!

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singledadofthree · 11/06/2006 21:48

is painful i know - dd sounds like she's going thru what most kids do when parents first split. she will accept it all eventually, is up to you to keep answering all her questions as best you can without showing any animosity toward her dad - not easy i know - you'll all be ok i'm sure. you do need to get her dad on the same wavelength as you if you can - will make it all the easier

Original poster
nikkie · 12/06/2006 19:51

one of the questions was why did you divorce?
Me to her- we just didn't agree very much
Me in my head -he was a drunk and a druggie who would hit and break anything and anyone in his way.
smiling sweetly

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