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Original poster

Would I be unreasonable not to tell ExH about this?

51 replies

Hrrrm · 29/05/2013 20:27

I'm pretty sure this would be unreasonable but thought I'd check how bad it would be:

ExH has recently been quite weird about DD's things. She's starting school in Sept. While she's been in nursery the last couple of years he's been relying on me to pass on info, invitations etc. Now with school he has already decided he is going to ask for copies of all paperwork to go to his address, he's going to do school run at least one day per week (I have to go past the school to go to work & have very flexible hours), and he even has opinions on all the small admin details that never bothered him before.

He got angry with me when I filled in some forms for school (I was going to discuss them with him before sending them off), and he also got angry when I told him I've worked hard to involve him in nursery things. Apparently that just means I'm controlling and he can involve himself, thankyouverymuch.

Obviously that's all fine.

Now this week DD's nursery are having a party for all children and parents. ExH should know as I forwarded him the relevant emails etc, DD had shown him her dress, we've talked about it.

He wouldn't usually see DD that evening but because of his work has asked to see her then rather than another evening. That's fine, we occasionally swap things around and it's usually fine.

However, he didn't acknowledge the party at all, e.g. where to meet (he's never been to where it's going to take place), what to do afterwards. There will be food at the party around dinnertime, so DD wouldn't need to go to his for dinner, and she'll probably also be tired.

My conundrum: I always remind him of DD's significant events and he clearly doesn't appreciate it. He forgot her parents' evening a couple of weeks ago. I don't want to remind him about the party so that he'll get to our house to pick DD up and we won't be there because surprise surprise - I remembered the party because that is my job as DD's parent.

However, he will be very angry at me and would use this as a reason to be difficult in the future (even when he would have been difficult anyway), so it's giving him another reason to tell me how shit I am and how in trying to have all the power and exclude him from DD's life.

She wouldn't miss him if he wasn't at the party, but would be happy to see him.

What should I do? I tried dropping subtle hints about the party tonight but he showed no reaction.

I want to do the mature adult thing, but he's been such an arse about his involvement in school things that I want to show him up. Basically.

OP posts:
Hassled · 29/05/2013 20:32

Ooh this is a toughie. I want to tell you to be the mature adult, I really do. But yet....

I think you have to find a Middle Way. So you do tell him about the party, but in the most excrutiating, painful awkward way you can. "Are you sure there's nothing you've forgotten? Nothing? Something with balloons, say?" Except drag it out for a good 10 minutes.

Original poster
Hrrrm · 29/05/2013 20:34

Oh nooo, I totally should have done that this evening! Won't see him before the party now unfortunately.

OP posts:
ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 29/05/2013 20:37

Don't say a thing. He thinks you are being controlling when you do, let him miss it/be late whatever. Giant dickhead.

Original poster
Hrrrm · 29/05/2013 20:39

Noo, that's not what I want to hear! (Thanks for the support though!) You're supposed to say it'll be an easier life if I tell him, it's better for DD, we're supposed to be working together not undermining each other...

OP posts:
Dadthelion · 29/05/2013 21:00

What's in the best interest of your child?

elastamum · 29/05/2013 21:13

I routinely e mail my exes work diary with invites to important events for my DC such as school events / parents evening, at the same time as I put them into my own calendar. That way I know he has the info and he can accept or not depending on what he is doing. We dont have to discuss things or me feel I am chasing him.

If there is stuff he needs to remember to sort out when he has the DC, I type a diary reminder and send it to him. It is better he knows than he forgets something important to the DC - he is always glued to his phone so he always reads them Grin

Original poster
Hrrrm · 29/05/2013 21:20

That sounds like a good solution for eliminating all emotional factors and opportunities for miscommunication.

Not sure what's best for DD. Obviously, the less conflict the better. Just that how he's been going about the school stuff isn't necessarily the best way either.

OP posts:
Concreteblonde · 29/05/2013 21:26

You've told him once, you're his ex wife, not his PA.
If it's not important for DD for him to be there, then him making a cock up might mean that he starts to act like a responsible parent.

Original poster
Hrrrm · 29/05/2013 22:36

He is quite responsible, occasionally helpful. It's just that he's rubbish with remembering things and he always finds a reason why he doesn't need to be grateful when I remind him and turns it into me being controlling and him having done me a favour by listening to me, actually. I wouldn't mind having that role (reminding him, I mean; I don't think I'm controlling) if he occasionally acknowledged it.

OP posts:
HarrietSchulenberg · 29/05/2013 22:39

Text him about 10 mins before party saying "See you at dd's party". Smiley face on text is optional extra.

Lioninthesun · 29/05/2013 23:05

I was about to write similar to Harriet - email him about 30mins before saying you just realised you hadn't heard from him about it and you had kindly thought to remind him, hoping it wasn't too late, obvs Wink

Original poster
Hrrrm · 30/05/2013 06:15

I LOVE that idea. I think that's what I'm going to do. He won't check his emails so I'll have to text him. The party starts halfway through his car journey from work.

I just know that he'll accuse me of forgetting too because I didn't mention the party yesterday when we arranged plans.

OP posts:
calmingtea · 30/05/2013 09:44

To be honest, I would write him an email stating simply that he can get the information he needs direct from school/nursery, so as he has requested you will stop contacting him directly about these events. You are happy to discuss things that need to be 'decided' between you (e.g. forms), but other than that you feel that it is better that he liaises with the school/nursery directly.

Anything else feels a little like game playing imo.

calmingtea · 30/05/2013 09:47

Oh an YANBU not to remind him. He has been told about it. He is an adult. I really would remove yourself from the equation next time, as above.

fluffywhitekittens · 30/05/2013 09:54

Can you just text him asking if he's planning on meeting you at the party or afterwards?

Original poster
Hrrrm · 30/05/2013 12:28

I think I'll do that if I don't hear from him. Nursery sent some guidelines for the party so I forwarded those to him as they have a special system for the food, and if he's late he might not be able to have any. He rarely checks his personal emails, so we'll see.

OP posts:
overtheraenbow · 30/05/2013 14:04

Someone on here told me to stop micro managing my ex, and I have. We have a joint Calendar online which we both have the password to ( jibadee i think but others available) I put dates on there when they come in but if he doesn't check them it's his problem.
I have a diary a calendar on the wall and phone alerts so I don't miss anything ( think I am especially forgetful !!) it is his RESPONSIBILITY to remember events , nit yours to remind him.
If he says anything sat ' oh I wondered where you were as I was expecting to see you' as someone said up thread you aren't his PA! Have fun at the party.

fuzzywuzzy · 30/05/2013 14:13

I'd go with calmingtea, just dont engage. He says he wants to directly liaise with school/nursery regarding your dd, he accuses you of being controlling if you remind him of things.

So stop.

If he accuses you of not reminding him, tell him he said he finds your involvement in these matters intrusive, you will not be reminding him now or at all.
He's a grown up, he can come up with his own strategy to remember things. Or he can be civil to you and ask you remind him of events. You're not his keeper.

Original poster
Hrrrm · 30/05/2013 16:37

Argh. I should have stuck to my possibly unreasonable attitude. I forwarded him that email from nursery and he texted to ask if I wanted to come to the party. As if it was going to be him and DD going and I could join them if I must. (I had plans for later that evening, but if they had clashed with the party, I would have prioritised the party, and he knows that.)
He is such an arse. See what I mean?! He forgot and had now turned it into pretending I wasn't going to go. When I've already replied to the invite and sorted out something for DD to wear.

OP posts:
Lioninthesun · 30/05/2013 16:55

See I would have replied - "I thought you might have forgotten, I am going and have everything arranged for it weeks ago but I suddenly realised you hadn't mentioned it when we met the other night. Clearly you have it all under control so I don't need to send these 'reminders' any more!
See you at the party.

Original poster
Hrrrm · 30/05/2013 17:05

Well, that would have been a far more calm, measured and put-him-in-his-place reply than the exclamation-mark filled half-rant I sent him (I didn't swear though).

There should be a Mumsnet training module in how to talk to exes.

OP posts:
Lioninthesun · 30/05/2013 20:23

It's a lot easier to do it when you aren't emotionally involved! I would probably have sent similar to yours in all honesty Wink

fuzzywuzzy · 30/05/2013 20:55

I'd have given him a two word reply to that last email, one being off.

Original poster
Hrrrm · 30/05/2013 21:17

Yes. I wish I had. He's now pissed off at me for 'having a go' at him. I told him that considering I had organised things and always put DD's special events first, asking if I wanted to 'come to the party' was a stupid question. Apparently I engineered a conversation in order to call him stupid.

Who wants to bet a fiver that he's feeling bad about forgetting and is deflecting by arguing? Plus taking any opportunity he can to try to exclude me from DD's life (see previous thread about school). I mean, why pretend that I might not go to the party?

Everything becomes a power game. I'm so bloody sick of it. Not saying anything to him ever again because this is the thanks I get. Angry Sad

I actually feel really worried about this. He does something like this every other week at the moment and always always turns it around so I'm 'causing and argument'. It's taking over my life. I wish I could just rise above it and just live my life with DD.

OP posts:
Lioninthesun · 30/05/2013 22:46

Next time just don't bother. He has the dates, you leave it there.
Let him show himself up and if he asks why you didn't remind him simply say you were fed up of being his unpaid PA.
Only contact him re changes to DD's calendar and keep away and avoid talking or emailing at all. It sounds like a game he plays to make you feel you are still in the wrong, which you aren't.