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Lone parents

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Original poster

Would I be unreasonable not to tell ExH about this?

51 replies

Hrrrm · 29/05/2013 20:27

I'm pretty sure this would be unreasonable but thought I'd check how bad it would be:

ExH has recently been quite weird about DD's things. She's starting school in Sept. While she's been in nursery the last couple of years he's been relying on me to pass on info, invitations etc. Now with school he has already decided he is going to ask for copies of all paperwork to go to his address, he's going to do school run at least one day per week (I have to go past the school to go to work & have very flexible hours), and he even has opinions on all the small admin details that never bothered him before.

He got angry with me when I filled in some forms for school (I was going to discuss them with him before sending them off), and he also got angry when I told him I've worked hard to involve him in nursery things. Apparently that just means I'm controlling and he can involve himself, thankyouverymuch.

Obviously that's all fine.

Now this week DD's nursery are having a party for all children and parents. ExH should know as I forwarded him the relevant emails etc, DD had shown him her dress, we've talked about it.

He wouldn't usually see DD that evening but because of his work has asked to see her then rather than another evening. That's fine, we occasionally swap things around and it's usually fine.

However, he didn't acknowledge the party at all, e.g. where to meet (he's never been to where it's going to take place), what to do afterwards. There will be food at the party around dinnertime, so DD wouldn't need to go to his for dinner, and she'll probably also be tired.

My conundrum: I always remind him of DD's significant events and he clearly doesn't appreciate it. He forgot her parents' evening a couple of weeks ago. I don't want to remind him about the party so that he'll get to our house to pick DD up and we won't be there because surprise surprise - I remembered the party because that is my job as DD's parent.

However, he will be very angry at me and would use this as a reason to be difficult in the future (even when he would have been difficult anyway), so it's giving him another reason to tell me how shit I am and how in trying to have all the power and exclude him from DD's life.

She wouldn't miss him if he wasn't at the party, but would be happy to see him.

What should I do? I tried dropping subtle hints about the party tonight but he showed no reaction.

I want to do the mature adult thing, but he's been such an arse about his involvement in school things that I want to show him up. Basically.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hrrrm · 30/05/2013 23:17

I really shouldn't have bothered this time. It was stupid to hope it would be different this time.

OP posts:

MagicHouse · 30/05/2013 23:41

I would try really hard not to let him bother you. It will probably be easier for you next year when he gets everything from school. It's a good idea that he's done it really. My ex now gets emails etc. from school which means I never remind him about anything. He sounds a bit like your ex - all pompously and loudly done with huffing and puffing, but the reality is he still never really seems to remember anything either (e.g. parents' evening recently - last year I would painstakingly make appointments for him - this year I think he's had all the reminders, he's a grown-up - he can do it himself - he never did make an appointment, surprise surprise)

Until September I wouldn't get into all the petty arguments - I would have probably texted about the party, and been really polite if he got arsey back. I found that over the last couple of years, being very polite and cool in the face of all his semi aggressive messages eventually seemed to take the wind out of his sails and communication between us is fairly civilised these days. Eg - if he'd moaned I was being controlling about reminders, I'd have just sent a message saying "ok, just wanted to you know, wasn't intending to be rude " or something equally boring and very polite that he couldn't really argue with (and any further nasty comments I would just ignore - he'll get bored with it eventually once he sees it doesn't get him anywhere)

RE - the last text, in future just reply along the lines of "yes, I'll be taking her" or something. You both know what's happened here and that he forget. He's not big enough to thank you, rise above him, don't get narked. Not to his face anyway - save the moans for friends and a big glass of

Dadthelion · 31/05/2013 00:43

I've just read your other thread.

Is it that he knows you want to move abroad, this has made him worried that he's going to lose contact with his daughter, so he's trying his best to stay involved?

Lioninthesun · 31/05/2013 01:09

I haven't seen the other thread, but this post is really about OP having to remind him about functions and dates he has access to, and then suffering abuse when she does.
I don't think his behaviour can be put into the 'poor him' category as he seems to be genuinely forgetting and being annoyed that he has to be chased to confirm he is attending.
If he wanted OP to stay in the country I would have thought he would be nicer, not push her away by being rude and nasty?

3xcookedchips · 31/05/2013 01:57

Lion: Are you on the same planet as the rest of us?

Original poster

Hrrrm · 31/05/2013 08:30

Pompously huffing and puffing - that's a pretty accurate description of him!

Yes, my plan is to move abroad in a couple of years. But that is no reason to behave as he has been doing. As you can see, when I could choose not to run after him so he can take part in DD's things, I agonise over it and always make extra sure he knows when something is on. I'm obviously not trying to exclude him because if I was I could have, for example, told nursery he wouldn't come to the party. It's on a day he doesn't usually see DD, so he wouldn't even have known. But I thought that would be mean and nasty. He would say this explanation proves that I was planning not to tell him because it's 'obviously crossed my mind'. I know that's not true though.

If we really do move abroad, I've told him I am willing to help him find a job and a place to live, but he doesn't want that as that would be bad for his career. He'd always be welcome to stay with us when he visits to keep costs down, and I'd take DD back to the UK every holiday. He wouldn't let me stay with them though.

But I haven't even made concrete plans for any move yet, so pre-emptively trying to exclude me is just ridiculous. It's like he's not so much trying to rewrite history (although he's good at that too) as trying to rewrite the present, if you see what I mean - pretending I might not go to things when it's obvious that I will etc.

OP posts:

Lioninthesun · 31/05/2013 08:48

3xcookedchips Have you read this thread?
If you are going to be rude to me at least explain yourself!

fuzzywuzzy · 31/05/2013 10:29

OP you need to be business like in your arrangement with him.

Don't remind or arrange things for him.

If he asks you directly reply very politely, do not get into protracted discussons with him.

Put a line under the recent event and take it as given that he will remember things for himself.

It's not your problem.

Original poster

Hrrrm · 31/05/2013 14:17

I know, you're completely right. It's just somehow I give in every time and it always turns out like this. I need to learn to stick to my original plan!

OP posts:

missnevermind · 31/05/2013 14:55

The thread has moved on now. But I would have left it untill we were leaving the house and sent him a text saying

You are obviously running late. DD is getting anxious, we will meet you there.

loopydoo · 31/05/2013 15:04

I reckon either someone (his mother for example) or he himself has decid he needs to take more interest in his dd and yes, having seen about your other post about moving abroad, I'm thinking its due to that.

Dadthelion · 31/05/2013 16:11

I tend to think when we separated, if my ex has said she was planning to move abroad in a couple of years, I'd be pretty shook up.

And I would do everything (as I think a lot of parents would) to not let that happen.

And I would fight to stay involved and as equal as I could as a parent.

Lioninthesun · 31/05/2013 17:47

But fight how?
By making more conflict with her mother?
By not bothering to remember dates?
I doubt it.

Dadthelion · 31/05/2013 23:47

One side of the story.
I'd love to hear his.

YoniBottsBumgina · 31/05/2013 23:52

Of course you're supposed to be reasonable and stuff, but if he isn't being, then you can't be either - because that just means he takes advantage. Of course it doesn't mean you should sink to his level and play dirty.

If one party can't be reasonable then reasonable doesn't work. So it needs to be stripped right back to a cold and clinical businesslike approach where there is no room for him to wiggle around and worm his way into things going the way he wants them to.

Sad but most helpful in this kind of situation IMO.

Original poster

Hrrrm · 01/06/2013 00:05

Moving abroad was my plan even when we were still together. Of course then he was still willing to go together and now he's not.

Fighting to stay involved is pretty stupid because it ruins everything. He could be an equal parent without fighting. Fighting only harms the children and doesn't solve anything. Again, I am not excluding him from DD's life because I don't want to.

As for his side of the story... You can probably imagine what that would be.

OP posts:

Lioninthesun · 01/06/2013 00:07

Only reason my ex wanted to move abroad was to get out of CSA.
Back then that was me FORCING him out of the country though, of course

fuzzywuzzy · 01/06/2013 00:14

Hrmm you may not be allowed legally to take your DD out of the country.

He's not really fighting to stay involved with his DD tho is he? He's trying to undermine the extent of your involvement with your dd instead, eg asking if you wanted to now go to the party as well when you reminded him she was going to a party.

I'd really disengage from him, he might be upset at the prospect of you leaving the country but he's not behaving in a way that wants more involvement with his child. If he did, he'd keep track of events in his child's life and be involved.

He just sounds controlling.

YoniBottsBumgina · 01/06/2013 01:00

The default position is that you can legally take a child out of the country. The other parent can appeal against you being able to, though.

The kinds of things that they can use in their appeal are, basically, that you're doing it out of spite against them. If you can show you're doing it for other reasons, that it will be beneficial to DD and you're willing to facilitate contact then it shouldn't be a problem.

It's not nice for the other parent but you cannot revolve your life around him forever. If your plan was always to move abroad then he was aware of this when you conceived. Of course he didn't know then that you would split up, but still.

Original poster

Hrrrm · 01/06/2013 08:53

With regard to the legal permission to take DD abroad - I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I have spoken to a solicitor about what judges would want to see, and I'm also aware that they say no sometimes.

ExH can choose to make our remaining years in the UK difficult, or he can choose to live his life without constantly scheming and plotting. I'm certainly not putting my life here on hold just because we might leave in 2015.

I know it's a big thing to take DD to a different country, but it seems a bit of a red herring as a potential explanation for ExH's behaviour.

OP posts:

itwillgetbettersoon · 01/06/2013 12:40

He has a right to be involved in all Sch things and most schs have parent mail or something and are perfectly use to sending out stuff to both parents. If he then forgets to turn up at parent evenings that is his problem.

What made you think he had forgotten about the party? Sometimes it isn't necessary to have endless discussions about something. He might have been planning to collect daughter half an hour early and take both if you to the party. Surely you don't need to tell him about the food if daughter eats at party then she may or may not be hungry afterwards who knows surely it doesn't need a plan.

At least he wants to be involved with his child. A lot of adults do not. Sometimes we can all be a little too controlling.

Original poster

Hrrrm · 01/06/2013 14:06

I assumed he'd forgotten because he asked if he could pick her up at the usual time to have dinner with him. There was food at the party and it finished after DD's usual bedtime.

OP posts:

3xcookedchips · 01/06/2013 22:33

Hrrrm, are you able to explain why it's in your daughters best interest to remove your child and move to another country and thus denying her a meaningful relationship with her father?

Clearly before it was an aspiration now what is the benefit to DD?

Original poster

Hrrrm · 01/06/2013 23:03

Yes, I would be able to explain that to a judge.

Parents occasionally move to other countries with their children. That's just how it is.

I asked for advice regarding exH's behaviour. I am not going to explain my thoughts about moving abroad. Apart from the fact that it is far too personal, it is also not relevant to this.

I am fully aware that moving is a big thing. That does not give ex the right to be an arse.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hrrrm · 01/06/2013 23:08

Oh I see, 3xcookedchips - you're one of those who think mothers have a big sense of entitlement. You sound remarkably like my ex.

OP posts:

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