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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Why do they make promises they won't keep?

15 replies

Fluffypinkcoat · 15/05/2013 11:00

I don't understand it really. Why do they promise they will be in touch to arrange contact or be on webcam at a certain time and then... nothing? Until the next time you speak weeks later and they don't even mention it and make the same promises again and... nothing! Do they do it because it makes them feel like they are making an effort (even though they aren't)?

I feel like ex just gets in touch every so often and makes his promises about dd and then we don't hear for ages until its the same again. Is he doing it so it looks like he's made some sort of effort so in the future he can swoop back into dd's life out of the blue?

Its so irritating.

OP posts:

Lioninthesun · 15/05/2013 23:37

At the risk of sounding very sexist - because they are men. The same men who usually expect their g.f/wife to buy their mother a b.day present and mothers day card. Sorry he is being so male

NotaDisneyMum · 16/05/2013 07:33

lion I'm sorry you've had such a crap experience but its not helpful to 'tar all men with the same brush'

If Stepmums are shot down for generalising about ex wives, so why should ex wives be excused for generalising about 'men'?

Yes there are crap husbands and dads out there, but explaining away someone's lack of parenting commitment because of their gender is incredibly disrespectful to the committed, dedicated Dads out there.

kittycat68 · 16/05/2013 08:49

Totally agree Lioninthesun !!#

Notadisneymum: lighten up, you clearly have a chip on your shoulder!

marryinhaste · 16/05/2013 09:01

I think my ex honestly believes he is a great parent - and promises things on that basis. In reality, he puts most things before the DCs, so if anything else comes up (work, football, seeing friends) he will cancel on the DCs without a second thought.

The crap-ness of this seems even worse to me as I don't really have a choice - I am the only one looking after the kids, so I can't work all hours, or have a social life because the kids have to come first. I am still struggling with the unfairness of this, though I wouldn't want to be doing anything other than my best for the kids (just an afternoon in the pub would be nice once in a blue moon!)

You are right, though, it is very irritating as there seems to be no consequences for them being crap - we still have to be polite and interact with them because the kids deserve a relationship with their Dad. I do spend a lot of time seething, though!

kittycat68 · 16/05/2013 14:37

Unfortunately it seems alot of NRP do this. They all think they are great parents. courts promote the fact that ANY contact is better than none personally i dont always think this is the case.

betterthanever · 16/05/2013 18:44

You are spot on kitty and orders are only enforceable one way... which I can understand in some respects as you don't want someone having contact when they don't want it but it should invalidate the order full stop as you rightly say some contact is not always better than none.

Original poster

Fluffypinkcoat · 16/05/2013 23:48

I think I agree that sometimes some contact is worse! I'm lucky atm that dd is too young too understand. Its so wrong that they can do this though because if she had thought she was chatting to him and then nothing she would have been so sad. Its been ten days since he was supposed to webcam her and we've heard nothing. That was after two months of silence other than threats of court. Its on extreme to the other. I'm starting to think its a control and mess with my head type thing :/

OP posts:

kittycat68 · 17/05/2013 08:39

Yes i do agree they are only enforceable one way. The amount of chances a NRP gets for faling to go along with a court order is a bit of a joke.
Many NRP use there children as pawns in a game to get even with the RP. Alot of the time its about control.
I personally have a problem with some of these Fathers rights/parenting groups! It seems to me that ( from experience) that they seem to think that they are an asset of the relationship to be split 50/50 like property.
( probably going to be slated for say it)!! But i ahve been involved in so many cases that seem to resolve around this point the care and welfare of the child is often overlooked in favour of the NRP rights.

lostdad · 17/05/2013 12:16

kittycat68 - `The amount of chances a NRP gets for faling to go along with a court order is a bit of a joke'.

Really. Proof?

Would be interested to here how you feel able to make this assertion in light of the fact that it's a well known fact the courts don't bother to produce statistics on outcome.

Ironically enough it's one of the complaints of several parenting groups.

Look forward to your response for your stats because I'd love to get my hands on them!

lostdad · 17/05/2013 12:17

Once again however the point is missed. It's not men against women - it's about people who want the whole damn gender war and are prepared to use kids in the fight and those who don't.

kittycat68 · 17/05/2013 16:12

Lost dad: Really proof? it comes from experience not court stats!!!

Fact is that most RP are women and most NRP are men or am i wrong?

Its not a war that many parents want, however we live in a world where NRP often pay little or no maintainence and one partner is unable to put the childrens needs first and its about their rights.

i would love to live in a world where all parents are just and fair and put the needs of there children first men and women, but sadley this is not the case. there are good parents and bad parents both men and women.
you are trying to turn this into a sexist war and ite not.

Original poster

Fluffypinkcoat · 17/05/2013 16:18

Argh, I am so bored of the attitude that without statistics something isn't true :/

OP posts:

Lioninthesun · 17/05/2013 17:04

I have it easy here as DD's dad has apparently no wish to see her, for the moment. While he was putting us through court though, it was all about messing with my mind. It didn't concern him that trying to break me so he wouldn't have to pay CM could potentially affect our DD, seeing as I was looking after her while he harassed me continually for 8 months until we attended Court and he was ordered to pay. He sent me a text the morning of the hearing saying 'I hope you haven't taken the last few months personally, I just want to win.' This included letters from his dad saying I was mentally unstable (to the court) - he has never even met me or his DG! as well as turning up on my doorstep crying that I had forced him to drink so much he had liver failure and will continue to drink unless I call off the CSA . They tried their hardest to break me and turn me into an emotional wreck, irregardless of how this may affect my parenting. It was ALL about male pride.
All of my friends in similar situ's have had countless issues with exH not turning up on time, failing to turn up at all, cancelling at the last minute, forgetting and forgetting DC birthdays etc.
Tbf I don't know any RP who are male to compare.

IneedAyoniNickname · 17/05/2013 19:12

Why do they make promises they can't keep?
Because they can :(

PurpleThing · 17/05/2013 22:09

Well, talking of stats, here are some from Gingerbread.

?Around 8 per cent of single parents (186,000) are fathers

?Only two-fifths (38 per cent) of single parents receive maintenance from their child?s other parent.

That is pretty uneven. It doesn't do to generalise though, one of the best parents I know is a young single dad.

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