Birthdays

[keelyboo]

Ex doesnt really see them, his choice drops presents round or they wait till "his time"

however its his birthday next week, and i asked if he wanted to swap days so they could see him on his birthday as they want to give him cards etc...hes going out with his girlfriend, but this is the evening he brings them back at 6 so still plenty of time to go out

i know i cant make him but im so fed up of him letting them down and me picking up the pieces so now tonight when they come home il have to make up some crap about how its ok and lucky daddy gets two birthdays blah blah when really iwant to say hes a lazy selfish twatbag who doesnt give their feelings a second thought...but i wont!

So you offered him extra contact on his birthday,told the DCs who were excited about being able to see Daddy on his birthday and now they're disappointed because he's said it's not convenient?

I understand that you want your DCs to share their Dads birthday with him, but given his track record, it sounds like their disappointment could have been avoided if you'd not told them until it was confirmed.

I hadnt said anything sorry if thats not clear, they asked if they could see him on his birthday, they are 7 and 9 and are aware its his birthday on thurs so asked if they could see him to give him the cards they made. I told them i didnt know because what else could i say, and then text today to ask him, and he said no so im going to have to tell them now.

They asked me, i was planning on asking their dad if he wanted extra day/swap days but wouldnt have said anything they brought the subject up themselves

In that case, i don't think it's going to do them any major harm to share his birthday with him next time they see him - I'm sure you say 'no' to them occasionally when they ask if they can do something and its not convenient for you - no parent should drop everything to accommodate what their DCs want all the time.

I understand that his choices in the past means you find yourself covering for him and realise you resent him for that, but in this particular case, the DCs will see him on their 'usual' day, so no great harm done

As an aside - well done for raising such considerate DCs! My DSS (9) is completely oblivious to the fact that its his Dads birthday this week

I wouldn't make up anything. I'd just say something like, "Sorry, I asked Dad and he said he's not able to see you on Thursday. But he'll see you on Xday as normal and you can give him the cards then." If they ask "Why?" or whatever just say, "Sorry I don't know." If he really isn't that bothered, they will realise sooner or later and it's not fair to cover it up.

I know it's disappointing to realise your dc aren't the centre of your ex's world as well. But if they live with you mainly everything you do revolves around them (childcare, their routine, clubs etc.), whereas if the other parent just sees them as and when, it's easier for them to distance themselves. My ex told me he didn't want more contact as he was 'used to' not seeing him now. I can't imagine feeling like that but there is not much you can do about it.

I say no to them all the time I dont know I guess I just thought he would want to see his children on his birthday.

I have told them he cant see them and why they actually seemed ok I think they are getting used to it.

They are really excited about his birthday but at least they still get to see him.