when dating, how much do you consider your children's opinions?

[sausagesandwich34]

I've been single for over 3 years now

my dcs are quite keen for me to get out there and meet someone

I'm not interested in a full on, moving in type relationship but it would be lovely to have someone to go the cinema with, go out for meals etc

the only problem is dd1 has said she wouldn't like it if they had children of their own

she can't articulate why, just because

now, I would be looking for someone 35-45 so discounting all the ones with children is kind of going to make it difficult cause it's going to be hard enough as it is

I'm not desperate for a boyfriend but I have been very closed to meeting people for a long time and I just want to open myself up to the possibility

dd is 11, I appreciate that the teen years are tough but I also have a life and I don't want to wake up one day when my dcs are off at uni etc and realise just how bloody lonely I am

any man I meet would be kept seperate from the dcs for a long time anyway

what to do?

Its a tough one, as they're going to have opinions and you should take those on board. My children are my world, so their opinions matter more than anything to me. I'm not ready for the dating scene right now, but if i were, they would definitely be involved. I also think its a good idea to keep the respective 'potential partner' well away from your children until you've established a friendship with that person and have gotten to know them some. If and when you feel the relationship is heading in the serious direction then and there should you talk about meeting on mutual ground and not at your place of residence, so that your children will get to 'feel' this person out without feeling over burdened or put out by him being in their environment/safe zone. All the best. x

I think you'd be wrong to limit your choice of new partners based on your DD's anxiety, especially as she can't really tell you why she feels that way. But if you do meet someone, you'll need to handle it carefully and ensure she doesn't feel pushed out, either by him or by any DCs he has. As you say, it's probably some way down the line you'd be introducing her to anyone, and she may have changed by then.

I'm lucky that my DCs have always been quite keen on me having a partner, and were keen to meet my DP's DCs. But I'm lucky that he didn't pay too much attention to his own DS1's hostile views at first, or he'd never have got together with me (his DS1 said I was an evil witch, and wouldn't speak to me at first, but gets on fine with me now).

Actually getting to know real people is quite a different thing from thinking about it in the abstract, so I'd just reassure her that she's always your speical DD, but that you might someday have other people in your life too. After all she may have DCs herself some day, and a mother-in-law and who knows who else - and none of that will mean she's not your DD.