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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Xp has no intention of ever making arrangements for having the kids for the day or to stop over

52 replies

nutcracker · 21/04/2006 15:23

Saw Xp yesterday and asked him if there was any news regarding council flat etc and he said no.
I said that he should chase them up and he said what for, he is quite happy where he is, his sister is more than happy to have him there and that he doesn't have to make any contributions at all so why would he want a flat where he had to pay bills etc.

Great for him but not for me and the kids.

It means no permanent arrangements for seeing the kids ever, and definatly no stopping over.

Feel like someone has stamped on me, I am never going to get a proper break ever and the kids are never going to know from one week to the next when they are seeing him.

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 21/04/2006 20:51

I could sue Xp for the frown lines i am developing because thats all i do now a days.

OP posts:
mistressmiggins · 21/04/2006 21:06

moan away - you are entitled to moan and this is the best place
it is really really hard and I have family in same town who help out
even so its the fact that its 24/7 with no resbite or someone to look after YOU
its easy for others to tell you to pamper yourself - at the moment I dont feel Im worth it

I ended up crying hysterically outside Woolworths today at the manager - how embarrassing is that Blush
it was nothing to do with customer service really (although the staff were v rude) but more to do with the whole situation and feeling that husbnad is having an easy life without us

Original poster
nutcracker · 21/04/2006 21:09

I think that is it MM, there is no one here to look after me if i've had a crap day or care wether i feel rubbish etc etc and i'm finding that really hard.

OP posts:
tribpot · 21/04/2006 21:13

But equally nutcracker (and MistressM), did your exes ever actually provide that? Or is the wishful thinking of all (most) single ladies as to what being in a relationship should be like? In the case of both of your exes, to me they have proved themselves to be the biggest arses on the planet, and although it may be difficult for you to see it on a day-to-day basis you are 100% better off without them.

I do understand the lack of practical support, but emotionally, I don't think either ex was ever more than an extra burden.

Original poster
nutcracker · 21/04/2006 21:15

Your right Tribot Xp never supported me in anything at all nor emotionally, financially or anything.

But all the same it was someone there, which sounds really pathetic and is pathetic.

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 21/04/2006 21:16

tribpot even, sorry Blush

OP posts:
tribpot · 21/04/2006 21:27

God, don't worry about getting my username wrong, nutcracker, it's a mad one anyway.

It isn't pathetic at all, and I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes having anyone seens better than having no-one.

But truly, to an observer (i.e. me) it's quite clear that you are better off without him and all he ever was was a massive drain on your energy and youth and very life. As the others have said, I think if you can make arrangements to have some regular respite that don't depend on him, it will help you feel more in control of your situation. If he ever gets his act together, good, but maybe best to be practical and plan for that not being tbe case.

Original poster
nutcracker · 21/04/2006 21:30

Thanks tribpot, and your right I do need to now assume that I cannot rely on him to have the kids at all really and then if he does it will be a nice surprise for me and them.

OP posts:
mistressmiggins · 21/04/2006 21:32

its not pathetic

I think when you have someone you feel better than nothing...but reallt thats not true

someone said "better to walk alone than badly accompanied"

I try to remember this - but Nutty sometimes its really really hard.

I am finding it easier in that ex is taking them to his parents once a month so I try to fill that time.

people say that if you get time alone, you should make the most of it.
this is true, but you dont have kids to get weekends off - you have kids with someone else who loves you

thats what you're missing - even if he was crap when he was around

xxx

Original poster
nutcracker · 21/04/2006 21:33

Yep your right MrsMiggins.

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 22/04/2006 10:21

Xp was just on msn so I asked him what he had planned for today and the reply was f**k all.

So he's gonna sit on his ass all day whilst I run round like a nutter into town with all 3 kids.

OP posts:
misdee · 22/04/2006 10:21

tell him to come and collect the kids.

Original poster
nutcracker · 22/04/2006 10:22

He won't reckons he can't afford the petrol, cos he came down thursday and has to come tuesday for the doctors.

OP posts:
misdee · 22/04/2006 10:24

f*cker. he cant afford to see his own kids. grrrr Angry

LadyTophamHatt · 22/04/2006 10:31

nutty, I'd list all the thing you have to do today, at home and in town, all the stuff the kids with moan and complain about.
Everything you need to do that would be easier if you could dash about alone doing them.

Then say "thanks a fuking bunch for offering to have YOUR kids for a few hours, you fuking lazy bastard"

Original poster
nutcracker · 22/04/2006 10:38

We are arguing on msn as I type.

He is not impressed with me saying he doesn't give a toss about the kids.

OP posts:
LadyTophamHatt · 22/04/2006 10:42

Ha....truth hurts!

Original poster
nutcracker · 22/04/2006 10:43

Basically it's tough, i kicked him out so it's my fault if he can't see the kids, he reckons.

OP posts:
Freckle · 22/04/2006 10:47

Why don't you ask him directly when he plans on seeing the children? If he is coming for the doctor, ask him if he will then collect the children from school. If he comes to look for a job, ensure he spends some time with them.

Make sure he knows that each time he is in your area he is expected to spend some time with them. If he won't commit to when you want him, make sure he can see them when he is nearby.

Original poster
nutcracker · 22/04/2006 10:56

He won't make a regular arrangement cos he doesn't want to.

I am fine with him seeing them whenever he is down here but then the kids don't know from one week to the next when they will see him.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 22/04/2006 10:59

Would it not be possible to tell him that it would be in the childrens best interest if they knew exactly when they would be spending time with their father. Therefore your ex really needs set days when he will come to see them or take them out.....

Why's he being so mean, they're his children too.

Original poster
nutcracker · 22/04/2006 11:00

Have told him all that Fuzzy, but he doesn't care.

He is obviously doing it to get at me.

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 22/04/2006 11:03

I'll end up a fruit loop at this rate but so long as he doesn't have to comit to seeing his kids on one set day a week thats fine basically.

OP posts:
Freckle · 22/04/2006 11:08

Put him on the back foot then. Write to him suggesting reasonable contact, i.e. when he is in the area. If he doesn't respond, then tell him he can't see them at all.

If he kicks up a stink, just ignore him. He will then be obliged to apply to the court for contact and you can produce the letter and his (non-existant) reply.

It probably won't get that far. Once you start denying him contact, he'll be much more willing to make some sort of commitment - or he won't which means you all know where you stand.

Bugsy2 · 22/04/2006 11:34

Oh poor you Nutcracker, my ex-H was so arsey about making definite arrangements for two years as I said.
I honestly found that reverse psychology worked & still works well with him. If he thought it was me who was desperate for the break, he just wouldn't help. Payback for me having the audacity to divorce him (despite his ongoing mistress!!!).
However, I finally twigged that when I started saying that perhaps he'd better not see the children, as it was so upsetting for them, or that we had so much planned - he got all twitchy & wanted to see them.
I'd step back a bit & make out that you are all having the life of Riley and are so busy, with so much to do & the children don't really miss him at all & see what happens. If you play it that way there is a chance that your ex-P will wake up one morning & suddenly realise that he misses his children.

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