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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Xp has no intention of ever making arrangements for having the kids for the day or to stop over

52 replies

nutcracker · 21/04/2006 15:23

Saw Xp yesterday and asked him if there was any news regarding council flat etc and he said no.
I said that he should chase them up and he said what for, he is quite happy where he is, his sister is more than happy to have him there and that he doesn't have to make any contributions at all so why would he want a flat where he had to pay bills etc.

Great for him but not for me and the kids.

It means no permanent arrangements for seeing the kids ever, and definatly no stopping over.

Feel like someone has stamped on me, I am never going to get a proper break ever and the kids are never going to know from one week to the next when they are seeing him.

OP posts:

Turquoise · 21/04/2006 15:34

Sounds to me like control (my x tries similar). He's hoping that you'll be so exhausted and alone that you'll ask him to come back. Keep strong, can your family/friends give you a break at all?

Presumably his sister won't be happy to have him there for ever?

Forgive me if I've mixed you up with someone else, but doesn't he have kids from a previous relationship? What sort of contact does he have with them?

dinosaure · 21/04/2006 15:35

Oh nutty, please don't let this knock you back, I was just thinking about you this morning and thinking about how fantastically strong and sorted you have been . I know that no let-up from the children is tough, but you have achieved so much already, think on that!

Is it not possible for the children to go to his sister's place at all?

Original poster

nutcracker · 21/04/2006 15:42

Yep he does have kids from when he was married. They are 21 and 18 now and he sees them when they want to visit him, he makes no effort other wise.

When they were little though we brought a house we couldn't afford just so they could stay over every weekend.

I don't mind the kids going there for the day occasionally but tbh his family are not really the kind of people I want the kids around alot.

If he thinks this will make me take him back he is very much mistaken as it just proves to me how little he cares about the kids.

Thanks Dino am just feeling a bit deflated. With the 6 weeks hols not too far away, the thought of no relief from the kids is scarey.

OP posts:

tissy · 21/04/2006 15:42

bet his sister isn't all that keen on having a layabout around the place, who won't even contribute to the bills. He'll be out on his ear soon!

Original poster

nutcracker · 21/04/2006 15:43

Well I dunno Tissy, the whole family are layabouts.

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Blu · 21/04/2006 15:59

Hmmmm. Well, leaving them all there at 9 am on the first day of half term saying 'I'll be back at 5' might be a way to change his sisters idea of hospitality towards him! And surely she will get sick of him sponging off her eventually??

I don't suppose he would come and mind them at your place?

Sounds really hard to deal with, but it's par for the course for him, isn't it?

Original poster

nutcracker · 21/04/2006 18:39

I can't just drop the kids to him, he is 40 min away and I don't drive.

His family are very weird, non of them work they all claim for various illnesses that they don't really have ands basically do bugger all so he will fit in quite well.

If I asked him to come and mind them here then he probably would depending on what it was I wanted to do but tbh I don't trust him here alone.

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Original poster

nutcracker · 21/04/2006 19:35

Just realised why just now i duno but basically Xp is having a whale of a time, does what he likes when he likes, drinks all day, gets his meals plonked in front of him etc etc

Am soooooooooooooooooo pissed off

Spliting up was meant to transform my life into something so much better and instead i'm the one running round like a blue arsed fly trying to do everything with no frigging money and no bloody life at all.

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Original poster

nutcracker · 21/04/2006 19:47

Bet he is laughing his head off.

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tortoise · 21/04/2006 19:50

He's the one missing out on seeing his kids grow up.Good or bad days least you have quality time with yr dc.Hopefully it will get better for you.Summer Holidays dc could do playschemes if any run near you.Think normally free if on benifits.
Good luck,You always sound so strong to me.

Bugsy2 · 21/04/2006 19:51

Huge sympathy Nutcracker. It took me nearly 2 years to get ex-H to see his children on a regular basis with sleep overs. He led the highlife & I was left with a baby & psychotic toddler. My only tip would be to make out that actually you are really not that keen for him to see or have them as men always seem to want what they can't have!!!

Original poster

nutcracker · 21/04/2006 19:53

Thanks Tortoise, but i don't feel strong at all.

Holidays are always a flash point for me as I feel like I don't do enough with the kids because I can't take them to many places or anything and them and me get bored.

To be quite honest I hate my life right now.

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Original poster

nutcracker · 21/04/2006 19:53

Thanks bugsy also.

Not sure if that would work but i can try it.

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tortoise · 21/04/2006 19:58

I don't get to do much with mine either.Never got the money and i cant drive either!My xp see's dd1 and dd2 3 times a wek for 3 hours at a time so i do get a little time to myself but he has to have supervised contact so no overnights yet! Daytime just doesnt feel like a break so i know how you feel.Its lonely in the evenings.Even a trip to the park can be fun!

tortoise · 21/04/2006 20:02

Sorry! im shite at giving advice!!!!

misdee · 21/04/2006 20:03

nutty, who entertained the kids before? you, my dear. did he really help u? no he didnt. he made you miserable as hell. u are better without him.

Original poster

nutcracker · 21/04/2006 20:36

No i know he did nowt with them before but at least if i arranged a day out he could drive us or something.

I know i am talking crap, but i feel crap.

This was supposed to be a new start for me and the kids but all I do is moan at them, they moan at me and we are all bloody miserable.

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littlemissbossy · 21/04/2006 20:40

Oh nutty, don't know what to say really ... how sad for the kids - and for you, you need a break at some point FGS. Is he seeing the kids at the moment - at all???

Original poster

nutcracker · 21/04/2006 20:41

He only sees them at the mo if he has to come down this way for doc's appointment or to have a meeting about going back to work etc, so it's roughly once a week to once a fortnight.

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misdee · 21/04/2006 20:41

can you ask your mum to watch them every so often?

when they grow up they wil realise its him that didnt make the effort. you;ve done enoigh for this man. he needs to gow up and take responsability.

mistressmiggins · 21/04/2006 20:43

I totally empathise but agree with Misdee - you are similar to me in that you did it all and so really nothing has changed in that respect.

its really hard doing it all and knowing that you dont get a cuddle or a chat when they've gone to bed.
you get all the tantrums & everyday cr@p and sometimes it feels too much

BUT you have taken control of your life back again and actually, its not your job or responsibility regarding contact with kids. You are flExible - he cant be arsed - his job/loss and when kids are older, they will realise who didnt bother.

be strong - you're just having a bad day(s)
its understandable and Im having a bad fortnight BUT I know that it will get better

[[[hugs]]]

Original poster

nutcracker · 21/04/2006 20:44

My mum will watch them if i can give her enough notice, she works shifts.

She will have 2 out of 3 over night too which i'm really grateful for but still means I can't do anything even if all i want to do is run round the house naked (yuck, the thought).

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Original poster

nutcracker · 21/04/2006 20:45

I am just moaning i know but i can't help it.

I just seem to get so stressed over everything right now, I don't enjoy doing anything for myself or with the kids. Everything just irritates me.

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misdee · 21/04/2006 20:46

cant you run about downstairs naked?

things will get better, you are stil ladjusting. doesnt the little one start nursery soon? that will give you some free time.

Original poster

nutcracker · 21/04/2006 20:50

Well i could yeah

Ds is at nursery now but at the mo it is every afternoon which in itself is a pain as i go to school and back 3 times.

Have applied for all day Tuesdays and Thursdays instead from Sept which will be alot better for me.

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