WWYD??help??

[makeminearose]

My xp had my 2 dc the weekend and they came back with lots to tell me.... including dad driving drunk? tales of dad having a new gf, badmouthing me and a few other.... now i have tried to ask in a nice way with xp if what the girls have said has any weight to it and got told "what i do with my children is nothing to do with you"
do i make notes on this?? are they saying this to get out of visits and contact should i put their safety first and say no to contact?? which goes against what i want for them but as their mother i have to consider everything inc the safety of our children.... all tied up in knots any help greatly received

I'd think if you stop contact all hell will break loose, so I'd consider it very carefully and base it on hard facts.

Your XP having a new g/f and his bad mouthing you.... whilst not great aren't in anyway reasons to stop contact.

Drunk driving obviously is a danger. How much do you know about the drunk driving ? Is this a one off , have you witnessed it in the past ?

How old are the DCs? Would they know if ex was actually drunk? (ie over the limit, as opposed to had one pint)? Yes, make notes of concerns, but you probably need to focus on safety issues, rather than generally being obnoxious.

I would make note of what they said as accurately as you can and keep a record of things in case you need to refer back at some point but the only real issue you can argue with is the driving the rest sadly he's allowed to do even if its not good for the kids because its not illegal.

Obviously the age of the children has an effect on what you decide to do but you can't really stop everything because of one incident.

The dc are 9 and 10 and please do not read the post wrong, i want them to have a relationship with their father, im just concerned for their safety, i know he has had issues with alcohol dependancy in the past but i helped to get him "sober" the girls said he was slurring his words...which just worrys me and just wanted a bit of advice really x

Blimey. I'd be worried too.

My first response would be to tell my dc what constitutes too much alcohol ( anything more than one pint, and obviously word slurring is way past that ) , and if it was practical, tell them to refuse to get in the car and call you to pick them up.

Unfortunately that puts the children in a horrid position. But better than ending up in A&E.

Other than that you can try and talk sense to him again, which doesn't look too fruitful.

He may say "what i do with my children is nothing to do with you" , but he's wrong obviously. He has a responsibility to keep them safe from harm, and he's failing in his duty to do this.

I'd be tempted to tell him how seriously you see this issue.

You can bust his arse on the drunk driving as that is against the law and a danger to DC. However, anything else he does while they are with him, which doesn't hurt or endanger them. is his business.
As getall says, tell them to refuse to be driven by him if he's pissed and to call you. Best of luck.

thank you for all advice its much appreciated

You need to act on this - it sounds as if the kids are old enough to recognise that he is drunk - and even wITHOUT drunk driving, the fact that he is drunk at all when they are in his care would be enough to ring alarm bells for me. and as for the bad mouthing, we are all human and all say things we shouldn't at times, but I would definately make a note of what they say in case this crap continues and he really starts to damage them emotionally.
I'm not sure who to suggest for help with the drink driving - am wondering if the NSPCC would be able to point you in the right direction ?
Good luck