Do you think I'm a bad parent

[portencia]

I am a lone parent, my xp and I have been apart for 8yrs , we were never married so don't think he has any legal rights although I have allowed access to take place as I thought it best that the children decide for themselves about him. Most of the time it has been amicable enough
but every now'n again there's a problem flares up and it ends up in a screaming match between us.

The most recent thing was I left our ten year old son in the house on his own for a couple of hours (1hr 45mins to be exact) and while I was out he had phoned the house and our son answered the phone and had told him that I wasn't in, he then phoned me on mobile and started screaming down the phone at me because I hadn't taken my son with me(son didn't want to go, asked if he could stay at home) I knew I wasn't going to be long and my children are well able on their own (they know what to do in emergency situations) so I said okay.
My xp freaked out at this and was threatening to go to the police and lawyers saying the boys would be taken from me (and saying a lot more besides , as you can imagine) I got a fright and was screaming back at him instead of being more rational.
Anyway to cut a very long story short what do you think? Do you think a responsible ten year being left on his own for this period of time at his own request was wrong or should I have MADE(father's way) him come with me?

also, do you have any british friends ? aren't you worried they might report you to social services or are they ok with your decision because they know you?

And I find it funny that you're still seeming to blame our reactions on the over-protectiveness (as you see it) of British parents. The British people you know personally might be like that, doesn't mean MOST British parents are. Just look at the responses on this thread - quite a few posters supported the OP's decision to leave her ten-year-old alone. Not exactly over-anxious, then.

and by "quite a few" I mean "quite a lot".

Tai tai, re the lack of sympathy for the ex, I guess it's because most of us know people whose ex will choose any little thing to go overboard and start calling the parent with care negligent, unfit etc., as part of their continuing power games and where the child's welfare isn't the primary issue in why they've gone berserk, but the chance to "have a go" at their ex is what is behind their outburst.

That may or may not be the case here.

I'd be interested to know where you live as well FM. I think Brits are more paranoid about leaving our children because we can't depend on the neighbours to a) keep an eye on them and b) find it acceptable. We just don't live in those kinds of communities anymore.

Hi Calilgua, I see you point, but as you said that may nor may not be the case here - we don't know and shouldn't make assumptions. I do think that what he said was way over-the-top and deserves an apology from him, but I can understand that panic over his child's welfare MAY have been the cause of his overreaction.

I think it is up to the parent to judge. I was left at home alone with my brothers a fair bit as a child from about 11 onwards and even spent a week at home alone with a friend revising for my o levels. However, i did once burn myself quite badly whilst cooking and had to take myself off to get medical help, I was about 14 and in the days before mobile phones I couldnt get hold of my mum. I also fell off a horse and fractured my skull and when I got home there was no one to take me to hospital, so I had to make a sandwich and wait! We didnt think it remotely odd but then we used to play outside all day in the holidays and come back at tea time anyway. However, I wouldnt leave my 7 year old at home alone although I do let hime play it in the street - which is worse I wonder

i remember that i was definitely left from the age of 9 because i used to get off the school coach at 4:45 and dad would not return home until 5:30-6:30. i was allowed to go to the shops 10 minutes walk away on my own when i was 8, so know i don't think there is anything wrong in leaving a 10 yo. not sure about 7 - i can't remember anythin distinctive about bein this age but maybe i was left also.

I think we were left as well, but of course with directions to go to the neighbours if anything happened.

And the neighbours would not have seen it as an imposition, but as another day in being part of a community.

WWW - your "jumping out of windows" story just reminded me that we used to climb over the landing bannisters and "drop" to the hallway below to save walking downstairs!!! (My brother used to jump out of his window too - until the day my mum saw him through the downstairs window ...)

God I've just remembered I used to climb out of the window and sit on the roof to read my book in the sun.

That had completely slipped my mind until now. Am now having an attack of vertigo.

"I guess it's because most of us know people whose ex will choose any little thing to go overboard and start calling the parent with care negligent, unfit etc., as part of their continuing power games and where the child's welfare isn't the primary issue in why they've gone berserk, but the chance to "have a go" at their ex is what is behind their outburst. !

Such a subjective view!! I thought it was obvious that the child's welfare WAS the primary issue here?

Slightly off topic, but I recall years ago when DH had an issue with the fact that his x had left his child in the care of an abusive au pair who had picked his 8 year old up by the neck and thrown him across the room. Before this incident DH had already asked her to get rid of the au pair because it had become plain that the guy was aggressive and could not control his temper around the kids. She refused because DH was apparently "trying to control her" ((heaven forbid he might actually have had genuine concerns for his child!). After he heard about the throwing incident DH felt he had no choice, he physically removed his son from au pair's care, had a few quiet words with au pair and told x that he was not returning son until au pair was gone for good.
She had no choice but to fire him but still claimed that he was doing it to control her, not out of concern for his son!! And she told kids the only reason she had got rid of the au pair was because Daddy had scared him, not because he had hurt son (which she didn't deny happened)!!! Can you imagine any mother sending her kids to Dad's house if they thought they were unsafe or at risk of being harmed. Of course they wouldn't, contact would be stopped in the interests of children's welfare. But being a separated father in this country, even one with shared residence is a joke - apparently you lose all ability to care properly for your children the minute she kicks you out!! From that time onwards every outward act of concern and responsibility you show towards your children, every time you get upset about something that has happened and lose your cool, that will be taken as interference and you "trying to control" your x partner (other than paying maintenance of course!!) . Or maybe its true that Mummies never do anything wrong!!

csadilemma, just because you know of a bad experience with a mother with care and control acting irresponsibly, doesn't mean that the phenomenon of fathers without care and control using their children to try and lay the law down to their exes doesn't exist.

I could tell you about a hundred stories of men telling women they're unfit because they want to upset them rather than because they are genuinely concerned about their child's welfare. But I'm supposed to be working, so i won't bother.

Caligula - Just as you have "hundreds" of examples, my little anecdote was certainly not a one-off either. And My DH has been accused of accused of being a bad father unfairly from time to time as well - that little trait of seperated parents is not gender specific!!

The point of my post was that making gross generalisations and assumptions towards either parent doesn't help the children and doesn't help resolve issues as it usually be incorrect (generalisations have a habit of that). I was not trying to list countless examples of one or ther other being wrong so sorry if it came across that way.

FWIW although she may have been irrational on that issue, I don't think that my DH's x is a bad parent at all - just blinded by her negative feelings towards DH just as he often is about her.

No but the point of that generalisation was to answer taitai's point about why the xp had had such an unsympathetic hearing on here, when in fact at first sight it looks like a perfectly reasonable position on his part.

And was going to add that the father in this post also does have "care and control" - 8 days a month - in terms of contact that is actually quite generous compared to many men (although my DH has more). You wouldn't let your child to spend 8 days a month with somebody who you felt wasn't equipped to care for and control them responsibly.

ok get you. Thanks.