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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Do you think I'm a bad parent

116 replies

portencia · 23/03/2006 01:42

I am a lone parent, my xp and I have been apart for 8yrs , we were never married so don't think he has any legal rights although I have allowed access to take place as I thought it best that the children decide for themselves about him. Most of the time it has been amicable enough
but every now'n again there's a problem flares up and it ends up in a screaming match between us.

The most recent thing was I left our ten year old son in the house on his own for a couple of hours (1hr 45mins to be exact) and while I was out he had phoned the house and our son answered the phone and had told him that I wasn't in, he then phoned me on mobile and started screaming down the phone at me because I hadn't taken my son with me(son didn't want to go, asked if he could stay at home) I knew I wasn't going to be long and my children are well able on their own (they know what to do in emergency situations) so I said okay.
My xp freaked out at this and was threatening to go to the police and lawyers saying the boys would be taken from me (and saying a lot more besides , as you can imagine) I got a fright and was screaming back at him instead of being more rational.
Anyway to cut a very long story short what do you think? Do you think a responsible ten year being left on his own for this period of time at his own request was wrong or should I have MADE(father's way) him come with me?

OP posts:

AnnieSG · 24/03/2006 16:43

A PS to Fairymum, do you realise your child could be taken away on this basis? Social Services would act on this, don't doubt it.
I can't believe more people aren't frothing at the mouth here!

HappyMumof2 · 24/03/2006 16:44

I think it's terrible - and I agree, children have been taken away for less than that before now.

AnnieSG · 24/03/2006 17:35

Fairymum..Your social worker friend - if she knows, she flipping well ought to be fired. Absolutely appalling, apalling, appalling. You cannot possible anticipate everything that might happen with an unattended child. She's SEVEN FFS

AnnieSG · 24/03/2006 17:56

Ah, I see reading this properly now that plenty of people have felt the same. What a relief!

ThePrisoner · 24/03/2006 19:47

I was a "very responsible" eldest dd (I used to babysit for friends of my parents from when I was 13) and was, as far as I know, never left alone until I was well over 10 years old.

I certainly knew how to be responsible, but experimenting is definitely the order of the day for children left at home alone!! I used to do some really stupid things at home as a 11-13yr old which could have had some fairly major repercussions. I lit a fire in the back garden next to the wooden fence and garage, I used to melt wax and chocolate on the top of bulbs of table lamps (why??? - oh yes, they used to explode really well), and remember wondering just how much it would hurt if I touched the bars of an electric fire (it bl**dy hurt), and I cut my hand very seriously by "mucking around" with some glass (had to phone my mum for that one). Other stuff I did was equally as stupid, and I was much older than 7 years old.

As a much more sensible grown-up (?), I now work as a childminder and my schoolage mindees regale me with all sorts of horrendous deeds they do (under the impression that I won't snitch to their parents). Children cannot be trusted to be really really sensible if the opportunity arises to test something out.

7up · 24/03/2006 20:50

my ds in 11 and i leave him if i need to, which is basically never, for up to an hour. he doesnt like being left indoors. when he was 10 i would leave him for 10mins to dash to the shops and he would ring me on my mobile to see when i was coming back!

fairymum said on one message that she left her 7year old for 2hours and on a following message said she didnt know if she would leave the child on their own for 2hours???very confusing

7up · 24/03/2006 20:54

ah i think shes referring to her son whos not yet 7

fairy, wot country are you in then, not in the UK?

HappyMumof2 · 24/03/2006 20:56

why one rule for one child but a different one for another??? doesn't make sense to me........

7up · 24/03/2006 20:59

yea i agree, my ds wouldnt have wanted to be left alone at the age of 7, he would have been petrified!

Caligula · 24/03/2006 21:10

One rule for one child and one rule for another because children are individuals.

I agree with everyone that children can't be trusted to be left on their own because experimentation and curiosity are the norm, but some children are more cautious than others. And if you don't "let them go" gradually, how will they ever learn to develop and be responsible and manage risk? How much is trying to wrap them up in cotton wool and stunting their development and how much is protecting them better than children have ever been protected before?

FrannyQuiMangeLaQuinoa · 24/03/2006 21:13

The thing is though, whatever you think about how children are protected / stifled in today's society, a seven year old is going to have been protected and is not going to be capable of properly looking after themselves. I don't reckon Fairymum is living in some pre-industrial commune somewhere, where there is no traffic to worry about and children skip around all day chatting with the blacksmith a la Milly Molly Mandy. You may not like the fact your children are over-protected but you can't unilaterally decide to change things by letting them loose age 7.

Caligula · 24/03/2006 21:16

Yes I agree. But I question your choice of name, shouldn't it be Frannyreadymealeater?

HappyMumof2 · 24/03/2006 21:18

I see your point Caligula. I agree all children are individuals. But I just don't think any 7 yr old should be left alone on a regular basis for that period of time. It's just a horrible situation to put a child in.

FrannyQuiMangeLaQuinoa · 24/03/2006 21:19

I didn't know how to say that in French Caligula

7up · 24/03/2006 21:28

so where does fairymum live, anyone know

Caligula · 24/03/2006 21:30

Fannypretamangermangeuse?...

I tend to agree HMo2, I wouldn't leave my almost seven year old alone for longer than about 10 minutes, but ten year olds are so different from each other. With some you would, with some you wouldn't.

WideWebWitch · 24/03/2006 21:34

Oh blimey, reading about all these things people used to do reminds me that my 2 sisters and my step sister and I used to be left alone by my dad and my step mum sometimes so we used to play a little game called 'jumping out of a second floor bedroom window into the garden' - seriously! It must have been a 12ft odd drop - a standard Georgian Bristol house. How we didn't break any limbs I'll never know. My dad was damn lucky because a. we didn't break anything and b. we didn't tell our mum when we were delivered back on Sunday evening. It makes me laugh now but omg!

Calista · 24/03/2006 21:48

A child of 7, alone, using the oven and doing god knows what else is 'at risk'. Of course they are, FGS.

TaiTai · 24/03/2006 22:47

Have read most but not all of the posts. My thoughts are:

I'm a bit shocked more people haven't had sympathy for portencia's ex. I think leaving a ten-year-old depends on individual circs and although my personal gut reaction is that ten is too young to be left alone, I can see that it could be OK and I'm not judging portencia on this. I can though understand the ex's initial reaction. He overreacted but surely what he said was in the heat of the moment and came from concern re his child. Who of us here can honestly say we haven't overreacted emotionally, been screaming banshies, at some point in time re our child's well-being, perhaps in a shouting match with the other parent? I think as parents we should understand his INITIAL over-reaction. Whoever said sthg alone lines of she bets ex wouldn't want to look after child fulltime should be ashamed of herself. How do you know what the ex thinks and feels and what the situation is - have you talked to him? It just seems a petty statement and so not relevent. As a father who sees his child he should for the child's sake be allowed some input into the child's upbringing, doesn't mean you have to do things the dad's way, just that he is allowed an opinion!

ON the subject of the seven year old being left alone to bake - I think it's appalling. What saddens me is that it's justified by the age-old argument "well I was left alone at the age of 7". You might well have been - doesn't mean it was good parenting though. My parents acted in many ways that I wouldn't dream of replicating. And then going on to say that children in the UK are mollycoddled - well some are, some aren't. Not leaving your seven year old unattended is NOT mollycoddling, FFS. And not being able to do up coat zips just cannot be compared to a seven year old being left alone with a hot oven.

AnnieSG · 24/03/2006 22:57

I hope Fairymum reads this and understands that not one person on here thinks she is doing something acceptable.
I feel so strongly about this and I never as a rule post heated comments on MN, but I'm seething every time I think about it.
If something happened to her child she would spend the rest of her life tortured by guilt.
Sorry, Portencia, for the thread being hijacked like this. I don't approve of leaving a ten year old either, I'm afraid, but I can understand and sympathise with you. There is a big gap between your actions and Fairymum's.

sparklymieow · 24/03/2006 23:16

My Ds is 8, very mature and can be trusted BUT I wouldn't leave him here alone, He is allowed to come downstairs in the mornings and play on the PC without me (my younger girls are not) What I would panic about if I did leave him (for any longer than the 2 minutes while I post a letter) is what if there was a gad leak (have had a pipe fall out and gas my mum before) or a fire could start from an electical fault. Also what if someone knocked and he did open the door?

Also something to think about, 2 years ago we were reported to SS because my dd1 attacked my dd2 quite regularly. Luckily for us the SW realised that we were not at fault and my Dd1 has medical and behaviour problems. Was chatting to my sister tonight (not Misdee) who works for SS and she said that the SW should have really put my Dd2 on the 'at risk register' because as her parents we were failing to keep her safe. So if SS find out that a 7 year is at home alone for 2 hours, you are failing to keep her safe and your child could be put on the 'at risk' register and if anything else happens, your child can be taken into care

tigermoth · 25/03/2006 07:24

fairymum does say that she wouldn't leave her dd,unless her neighbours were around. Now to me that implies that they must feel ok about fairymum's arrangement. If not, they would be reporting fairymum to social services. Perhaps they have done this already. But as yet ss have not spoken to fairymum (I assume) and neither have the neighbours (I assume).

I am not trying to find excuses for fairymum, as fundamentally I don't agree with leaving a 7 year old for 2 hours. But if the neighbours are keeping a close eye fairymum's dd who is playing with their own children, and the neighbours have keys to fairymum's home and are with fairymums dd when she uses the oven, then fairymum's dd is not quite so alone as fairymum makes out - her dd is just without her mother.

I just find it odd that the neighbours, ccording to fairymum, seem so accepting. Without knowing more, it just doesn't ring true to me.

HappyMumof2 · 25/03/2006 07:45

agree totally - the neighbours bit came after the original post. Bit of an added extra

FairyMum · 25/03/2006 08:20

Yes I am reading this and I am still completely happy leaving my 7 year-old by herself. Most of my friends also leave their children at this age for a few hours. However, most of my British friends hardly dare leave their teenagers which I find extremely odd. I find all this talk about SS quite funny and very paranoid. Generally speaking I find that British parents are completely over-anxious about their children which must be tiring for both children and parents.Anyway, I am completely happy about what I am doing, so I leave you to this thread and all the dangers lurking in your homes

tigermoth · 25/03/2006 08:26

Before you go, can you tell me what country you live in? As you say, it may be a cultural thing.

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