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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Do you think I'm a bad parent

116 replies

portencia · 23/03/2006 01:42

I am a lone parent, my xp and I have been apart for 8yrs , we were never married so don't think he has any legal rights although I have allowed access to take place as I thought it best that the children decide for themselves about him. Most of the time it has been amicable enough
but every now'n again there's a problem flares up and it ends up in a screaming match between us.

The most recent thing was I left our ten year old son in the house on his own for a couple of hours (1hr 45mins to be exact) and while I was out he had phoned the house and our son answered the phone and had told him that I wasn't in, he then phoned me on mobile and started screaming down the phone at me because I hadn't taken my son with me(son didn't want to go, asked if he could stay at home) I knew I wasn't going to be long and my children are well able on their own (they know what to do in emergency situations) so I said okay.
My xp freaked out at this and was threatening to go to the police and lawyers saying the boys would be taken from me (and saying a lot more besides , as you can imagine) I got a fright and was screaming back at him instead of being more rational.
Anyway to cut a very long story short what do you think? Do you think a responsible ten year being left on his own for this period of time at his own request was wrong or should I have MADE(father's way) him come with me?

OP posts:
Bozza · 23/03/2006 09:18

I think that 2 hours is a long time to be left alone at age 7 just purely from a social aspect rather than a safety aspect. I think my DS would be lonely and unhappy although he is a very sensible boy but he is only 5 yet.

I do agree with you fairymum about kids these days not getting enough responsibility. DS (just 5) was admired for being able to do his zip the other day. But I see myself falling into the trap. Yesterday he had been playing on the field with the CM and his shoes were covered in mud. While we were eating DH and I were lightheartedly bickering over who would clean his shoes and DH said "DS you can do them, you go them muddy" and DS said "I am not cleaning my shoes" and laughed as though it was a huge joke and entirely impossible that he should do that. Normally DH or I clean his shoes on a Sunday evening after he has gone to bed but at that moment I decided he can start doing them himself on a Sunday afternoon.

To answer your question I was not left in the house alone at 7. I was not even allowed to walk home from school on my own until I went to secondary school but this was because of having two younger sisters and my parents not trusting me to supervise them. I think I was maybe about 11 when I started getting left. My sisters were probably left younger than me. But from a certain point we were left for an hour or more in the early evening regularly because my Dad worked shifts and my Mum had an evening office cleaning job. We were supposed to wash up and the rows that caused....

Sparklemagic · 23/03/2006 09:21

Also agree with Bozza that two hours alone at seven can't have been much fun!!!! There are more fun ways to spend your childhood surely...with other kids or having dinner at a friend's house or something like that!

Tommy · 23/03/2006 09:22

to go back to OP - I think your ex is being unreasonable and of course you are not a bad parent (based on this - don't know what else you get up to! Wink). You know your DS better than your ex does so you know more about what he is capable of doing and coping with.
As others have said, if he phoned the police/lawyers etc, they wouldn't do anything as no offence has been committed - does he really want to look after your son full time? I doubt it.

WideWebWitch · 23/03/2006 09:24

Talk of the at risk register is scaremongering imo. I don't think I'd be happy with boiling water + 7yo really though.

WideWebWitch · 23/03/2006 09:26

Nobody's saying anyone's approach to parenting should be 'commit no crimes,' of course not, but someone said 'Oooh, I'd CALL SOCIAL services in this situation' and my point was that they very likely wouldn't be interested because no crime had been committed. The law has decided this is a parental decision.

batters · 23/03/2006 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklemagic · 23/03/2006 09:28

oops yes we've gone off a bit from OP, sorry...

i think ten yrs old is a different thing to 7 of course and as fairymum said it does (at this age) depend on the child too.

I think, through the mists of time, that my mum and dad started to leave me and my bro alone for short periods after ten years old (to pop to shop for example) and I do remember that while we didnt do anything really silly, we did always get rather noisy and excitable and run round alot...but again where I DO agree with fairymum is that this has to happen in order to gain the independence skills. I just differ on how long and at what age and what is safe for them to be expected to do when they are alone...boiling potatoes.....blimey!

batters · 23/03/2006 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklemagic · 23/03/2006 09:35

www, I don't like to think I was 'scaremongering'.Maybe it's difficult for me to judge because I used to work in social care so I was dealing with families already known to services - however if I was to find any family I was working with left their 7 yr old for that length of time each day (and boiling water etc, etc) this wouldn't be ignored and SS wouldn't be doing their job if they did ignore it. TBH, if the parents were talked to and couldn't see what was wrong with doing it ss would be concerned.

However WWW I am quite prepared to be wrong and accept that this would not happen to a family not already involved in SS - my vision a bit clouded maybe and also may be I'm not clear enough on the categories of risk - Im not saying it's risk of abuse, just risk of coming to some physical harm!

PollyLogos · 23/03/2006 09:42

Mine wouldn't have liked being left at 7, However the original poster was asking about her 10 year old. Surely it is all a question of cicumstances? Maybe, for example, granny lives next door.

I have regulary left my 11 year old on his own at home for two hours if he doesn't want to come with me. Our personal circumstances though make me feel that for us and him this is acceptable.

oliveoil · 23/03/2006 09:42

I think it would all depend on the child. I used to walk to school on my own at about 7 (vividly remember feeding carrots to horses on the way!> and all 3 of us were left on Saturday mornings to clean and go to the shops for my parents.

Not sure of our ages but maybe 12, 10 and 8 or thereabouts?

Times have changed however.

I do remember putting potatoes on to boil, I may have been 11 or 12 then, can't quite remember.

WideWebWitch · 23/03/2006 09:42

Please tell me then sparklemagic: if a 7yo was left alone for the odd 2 hours this alone would NOT get them on the at risk register surely? If given NO OTHER worrying circumstances? Really?

Sparklemagic · 23/03/2006 09:52

for the odd two hours now and again I'm sure they wouldn't. But every day MIGHT be a different matter though as you say they would look at whether there were any other concerns.

I dunno but I think lots of adults would be concerned at a 7 yr old alone for two hours every day. Most parents would get a childminder or other care arranged in this situation nowadays.

FairyMum · 23/03/2006 09:55

Social services..oh dear. when and where I grew up it was the norm to be home alone after school and then start preparing dinner for when your parents came home. We obviously went to eachothers houses and didn't sit alone at home sad, lonely with our burn marks. It obviously depends on where you live. I don't leave my DD at home after school because there are noone at home in our street at this time. I do leave her at weekends occasioally when people are home. We live in a cul-de-sac where children play out in the street and we do know our neighbours. I don't let her boil potatoes, but she is allowed to use the oven and made cookies while we were out swimming last weekend. One of my best friends is a social worker. She has never commented to me about leaving my DD, but perhaps she has secretely put my children on the at-risk registar, so for all of you dying to call SS I might already be listed!

WideWebWitch · 23/03/2006 09:56

OK, well Sparklemagic you originally said

"In my experience any child of 7 left alone for two hours each day would be of concern to social services who might well place them on the at risk register."

and now:

"for the odd two hours now and again I'm sure they wouldn't. But every day MIGHT be a different matter though as you say they would look at whether there were any other concerns. "

So I do think your original post was scaremongering, sorry! I'm not saying I'd be entirely comfortable with a 7yo and boiling water (that's the bit that worries me) either but I do think it's very easy to post something here that could put people in a right old panic and wouldn't necessarily be true, that's all.

I agree, mn is about debate and it's fine if a thread takes a lot of twists and turns!

Enid · 23/03/2006 09:59

Sad at idea of leaving dd1 alone in the house for 2 hours

she would hate it and so would I

Sparklemagic · 23/03/2006 10:00

yes, I'm a dreadful one for questioning my own opinions after the event! however in my EXPERIENCE I guess what I said was true as the families I worked with, certainly if they were doing this my manager would have had a meeting and I still think might have put them on the at risk register.

Where I questioned myself afterwards was on this (fairymum) being a normal and loving family and therefore not part of my knowledge in this way.

So please do me the courtesy of believing I did not mean to 'scaremonger'. One thing I have learnt since posting on MN is that I can change my views and learn, and question myself - that's why I like it!

puddle · 23/03/2006 10:03

My sister and I used to look after ourselves after school when we were 7 and 9. We were also expected to lay the table and boil the kettle for when our parents got home - occasionally we would be expected to cook potatoes and veg too. This was in the 70s. So it was the norm for me too, but I don't think that that was necessarily a good thing.

I think one of the big issues for me would be if there were other children. I feel now that it was very unfair of my mum to expect my sister to supervise me every day. She was an extremely competent 9 year old but it actually didn't help our relationship at all to have her responsible for me in this way - we both resented each other.

Bozza · 23/03/2006 10:03

Oh yes sparklemagic - think it is great for that.

oliveoil · 23/03/2006 10:05

I can't go for a pee in my house without someone following me so chance would be a fine thing to leave them for 2 mins let alone hours.

WideWebWitch · 23/03/2006 10:08

Sm, I do believe you didn't mean to scaremonger but I would just hate anyone to come here, read your first post and believe it, that's all. We are arguing about your wording now so I'm happy to leave it at that if you are. I agree, mn's changed my mind on lots of things too.

edam · 23/03/2006 10:09

My mother worked but had childminders coming in after school to look after us until she got home until the age of 11. Between 11 and 14ish there was a neighbour who popped in and made our tea but didn't stay. We knew our neighbours very well so there was always help available.

Warning: when I was around 10 she had to go to work one morning and the au pair or whoever was late; I was making breakfast for my sister when the toaster burst into flames. Luckily I remembered something on Blue Peter and got a damp tea towel to smother it. Little sister was very scared and made me go next door to fetch Mrs Jones, who came round and put out the tea towel! (Which I'd left in the sink but was still smouldering...). Could have been dangerous but we'd have had enough sense to leave the house if the fire had got out of hand.

puddle · 23/03/2006 10:12

Edam my sister and I had a few scary cooking moments too - mostly when we disobeyed our Mum's instructions and decided to branch out and cook something different. Honestly it makes my blood run cold now thinking about what we got up to and the lack of supervision we had. My mum is extremely laid back about it all though - she actually managed to lose both me and my sister 4 TIMES too (twice each) when we were small - we've both been 'handed in' at the police station.

Sparklemagic · 23/03/2006 10:14

www, I have got my coat.

and am skulking off Wink

TearsBeforeBedtime · 23/03/2006 10:15

I'm sure I was occasionally left in the house by myself, for briefish periods (say up to half an hour) when I was about 8/9 - grandmother in hospital, my mother was a single parent, and I don't remember feeling scared/having any problems, and if there had been any problems, I knew plenty of neighbours I could have gone round to/asked for help. I wouldn't have been doing any cooking or even making hot drinks!

I suspect I would also have been left alone for a few hours or so the night my gran was taken to hospital in an ambulance.

I agree with WWW re:people's notion of risks.

Personally I think the OPs situation is a bit borderline - 2 hours is a little long, and it's tough I think for him to have to supervise a younger sibling, but I think a mature 10 year could handle it (and appears to have chosen to!), and that her Ex completely overreacted.

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