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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Do you think I'm a bad parent

116 replies

portencia · 23/03/2006 01:42

I am a lone parent, my xp and I have been apart for 8yrs , we were never married so don't think he has any legal rights although I have allowed access to take place as I thought it best that the children decide for themselves about him. Most of the time it has been amicable enough
but every now'n again there's a problem flares up and it ends up in a screaming match between us.

The most recent thing was I left our ten year old son in the house on his own for a couple of hours (1hr 45mins to be exact) and while I was out he had phoned the house and our son answered the phone and had told him that I wasn't in, he then phoned me on mobile and started screaming down the phone at me because I hadn't taken my son with me(son didn't want to go, asked if he could stay at home) I knew I wasn't going to be long and my children are well able on their own (they know what to do in emergency situations) so I said okay.
My xp freaked out at this and was threatening to go to the police and lawyers saying the boys would be taken from me (and saying a lot more besides , as you can imagine) I got a fright and was screaming back at him instead of being more rational.
Anyway to cut a very long story short what do you think? Do you think a responsible ten year being left on his own for this period of time at his own request was wrong or should I have MADE(father's way) him come with me?

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 23/03/2006 10:17

No, no sparklemagic, please don't go, I was disagreeing politely (I hope), not telling you to bog off!

Sparklemagic · 23/03/2006 10:24

tortoiseshell · 23/03/2006 10:26

given that children of 14 are allowed to babysit, I don't think 10 is unreasonable to leave them (depending on the child). At 10 I was getting myself to activities on a Saturday morning the other side of town, and wandering round town on my own in the lunch hour. Kids do need to learn independence sometime! At 7 my mum used to get me to go to the local shops for her to get the groceries (they would be delivered later, didn't have to lug them home!). At 12 or 13 I went to Manchester on my own (3 hours on a train!) and navigated my way round ok. Dh used to go to London on his own at that sort of age.

FairyMum · 23/03/2006 10:34

He he...I would never let a 14 year-old babysit my children though. That would totally freak me out.

anniemac · 23/03/2006 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bugsy2 · 23/03/2006 10:51

As I see it Portencia has full parental responsibility. The children live with her, she raises them and has done for the last 8 years and their father has access.
Portencia took a decision based on how mature & capable her 10 yr old son was & left him at home for 1hr 45 mins. It is not something she does every day & she had made sure her son knew what to do in an emergency. She did not ask her son to boil potatoes or juggle knives!
In my opinion her xp was way out of line. He threatened her with taking the children she has spent the last 8 yrs raising on her own away & said he would call the police. I sincerely hope it was spur of the moment anger & once he calmed down he got a grip of himself.
A 10 year old should be perfectly capable of being left for 2 hours. What kind of society do we live in where older children are so over-protected they can't be trusted in their home environment for short periods of time!

anniemac · 23/03/2006 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

portencia · 23/03/2006 11:02

Thank you all for your comments thay are very much appreciated, it's as I thought and I do know my children better than anyone else as you said.
The circumstance occured when I had to go to the hospital, a very good friend went to a&e and had got kept in complaining of severe pain after having a biopsy the previous week. I was very concern about his welfare and I needed to pick up his key to get pyjamas and the likes. My oldest(12) child can with me and my youngest(10) didn't want to. As I leave them every day for two hours when I am at work (which is in the same street as I live) I felt he would be fine. Their grandma also works in the same street as we live.

The know what to do if there's a fire
If someone breaks in
If someone comes to the door
If the telephone rings
If the house goes on fire
Also if one of them is electrocuted(not much good when in on their own I know)

They are very independant, intelligent children and can do alot for themselves

They know if I am not in its fruit,crisps etc basically cold foods & drinks.

They have a lot of freedom to experiemnt when I am in and always know that the best time to experiment with anything is when there is an adult around to help them if they get in a pickle, so its not the case that when the cat away the mice will play. They haven't been brought up to think they have to sneak around when I'm not in.

OP posts:

anniemac · 23/03/2006 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bluejelly · 23/03/2006 11:19

Portencia I think you sound like a very good parent, not a bad one. Don't think you did anything wrong. I looked after me and my brother for two hours day when I was ten (he was 8)
Really not a problem

HappyMumof2 · 23/03/2006 13:16

Fairymum, I honestly think what you are doing is very wrong and would be of interest to social services, definately. It is neglect, imo.

I can not believe that you seriously leave a 7 yr old child alone for 2 hours on a regular basis and allow her to use the oven. It is just ridiculous. Why???? is what I want to know.

FGS, next you'll be telling us you leave her a pile of ironing to do........

tigermoth · 23/03/2006 22:57

Regarding the rights of the non resident parent, I wonder, portencia, if your ex partner is a bit out of synch about how your son is growing up? Perhaps he still sees him as a 7 or 8 year old and just hasn't taken on board the fact that he can be trusted to be more independent - and is at a borderline age? Does your ex realise that many secondary school children are left alone at home after school?

As you say, your ds has lived with you alone for the last 8 years - you know what he is capable of. You see him every day at home so you have the knowledge to know if you can risk leaving him at home without you.

Is it a case of your ex just not having that same knowledge as he doesn't see your ds from day to day? I don't know how often you ex sees your son of course - Does he see him a lot and do you feel your ex has a great understanding of your son's capabilities? If so, then his views on leaving your son are more valid.

If you feel your ex really doesn't understand how your son is developing, and is overcautious as it's the safe option, then IMO your ex does not have a right to you veto your considered decisions about leaving your ds alone.

tigermoth · 23/03/2006 23:18

fairymum, now I just have to know where you grew up! I'm all for fostering independence in children, but I'd stop at letting 7 year old near ovens when no adult is at home... but you did say you have good neighbours - so that might change things, I guess.

My oldest son loves cooking and often cooks meals or snacks. I give minimum supervision and have in the last year let him heat up food, grill things etc when I am out, but he is nearly 12 years old.

Do you let your 7 year old take hot things out of the oven - can she manage oven gloves, cooling racks, that sort of thing? I can sort or see, if your dd was baking cookies and put the oven on a simple timer switch and then let the cookies cool in the oven without taking them out, this would work possibly. I would feel really uneasy about letting any 7 year old take very hot food out of an oven - even if they promised me they would wait till the food had cooled down.

My instincts just go against letting 7 year olds cook unattended. My understanding is that burns to children are more serious than burns to adults simply because children are smaller. For instance, if they tip a kettle of hot water onto themselves it would cover a proportionaly higher area of skin than an adult, and so be much more serious a burn.

quanglewangle · 23/03/2006 23:52

I have never quite understood the logic of children not being left alone in their own home even though they are deemed old enough to be allowed out on the streets on their own. I know most(?)accidents happen in the home but isn't that just because most time is spent at home? In the outside world they have to negotiate crossing roads, dodge bikes on the pavement etc. etc.
In fact there is pressure on parents to allow their kids to walk to school,the theory being that they are overprotected these days. Yet we can't leave them in their own home. If I were a cynic I would think that the motivation waqs just to get cars off the road and mums and kids are an easy target.

nightowl · 24/03/2006 01:01

when i was ten i set fire to our lounge. we lived in a flat and my mum was only one floor down. i was experimenting with hairspray. i was not a naughty child, i was curious. i put out the fire first and then went downstairs to tell my mum...i was frightened she would blow a fuse at me! this is why i would never leave my child alone! im not kidding, it took literally a few seconds and our sofa was engulfed in flames, she was none the wiser while i was running around like an idiot looking for water. i suppose it could have ended quite badly. (luckily she just hugged me and said it didnt matter so long as i was ok).

nightowl · 24/03/2006 01:03

but she had to buy a new sofa!

Original poster

portencia · 24/03/2006 01:31

That is exactly how I feel tigermoth. My xp only has the boys 8 days out of the month only 4 of these are overnight stays (his choice). I have confronted him about this and all I get in reply is "Don't I get to have a life".

OP posts:

getbakainyourjimjams · 24/03/2006 03:30

Agree with WWW. Locally there are children who are left to wander around outside age 3 ( sometimes younger). These are the children who are of interest to SS- and usually nothing happens anyway- they're just known about. A 7 year old being left for 2 hours in a caring home is not going to attract much attention from SS. At 10 I think it depends very much on the child.

mumeeee · 24/03/2006 11:42

I think a responsible 10 year old might be ok to be left alone at home for a short time. A 7 year old is much to young to be left on thier own and to young to be doing unsupervised cooking .
I was nwever left on my own at 7.

nutcracker · 24/03/2006 11:52

I think it's ok to leave a mature 10 yr old alone for say an hour at a time if you really have to.

I think it depends if there are siblings around too. We were allowed to stay at hime alone for short periods of time but there were 3 of us, the eldest being about 14.

IMO 7 is far too young to be left alone unless it's a 2 minute dash to the neighbour for something, and as for letting them use the cooker, well thats just asking for trouble.

FrannyandZooey · 24/03/2006 12:09

This is just my opinion, but I would say 1 h 45 was a little too long to leave a 10 year old on their own. It is quite a long time for a child. I would say up to an hour would be fine. However I don't know your son Portensia, and the range from "eminently sensible" to "wouldn't let out of my sight" is quite wide at this age :)

A 7 year old should not be left alone for longer than very brief periods. 7 year olds don't have the inner resources to be left alone happily. I know of 7 year olds who have been left alone like this and they are miserable.

Blu · 24/03/2006 12:38

My DP was one of those children left to develop independence and responsibility as a child, and was left alone to do little jobs....oh, we're so different now aren't we, millycoddling them and helping them with theri zips?

Although my DP is intelligent, and I have heard nothing that makes me think he was particularly scatty in his behaviour, these are just some of the things that I know happened during those 'home alone' periods:

On a hot day he and his sister defied instructions, went to 'play out' and locked themselves out of the house. They were persuaded to let in a meter-reader - who stole all the money. They went to play out - and DP was TWICE knocked down by a car. In a quiet street. They wept with fright behind the sofa when someone knocked, but didn't go away, and was peering and shouting through the letterbox. They made detailed searches of their parents personal posessions and found 'unsuitable material'. They experimented in the drinks cabinet.

And before you say 'mine wouldn't do any of that', how many of us, normal responsible kids when we were little, would have done these things when we got the chance? I did....

The good old days.

Blu · 24/03/2006 12:41

I think curiosity gets the better of a promise, in any ordinary 7 year old.

FrannyQuiMangeLaQuinoa · 24/03/2006 12:43

Yes good point Blu. I won't give examples of the sort of thing my DP got up to when "left to develop independence", but some were pretty hair raising. He said he loathed it, he wanted his mum there.

AnnieSG · 24/03/2006 16:29

I haven't read every single message but, sorry Fairymum, no, no, no. I avoid getting into controversy here but I'm appalled at this.
If I knew you and found this out I'd probably start a thread on Mumsnet saying, 'I just heard this awful thing, what should I do?'

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