Messing around with contact - had enough!

[whendoesthecrapend]

What do you do when your exh keeps altering contact? Do you just grin and bear it for an easy life, or can you give me any ideas to get him to stick to the arrangements please.

Seems unfair the law says rp's have to hand the dc's over but there aren't any laws to make nrp's keep to the arrangements too. Reaching boiling point!

I tackle it head on. I email to resist the urge to call him a pathetic fuckwit who isn't worthy of his son's love so I have a written record and give details of messing around. Then I sweetly ask if there is a problem and what needs to be done to improve the situation.

It normally works.

Are there valid reasons for him changing contact arrangements in your opinion or do you think he's messing you about for the sake of it?

I'd agree with Dione on keeping record of the times/dates you have been messed about. You never know when you might need it .

I put my foot down after 6 months of it (and abuse) and forced him to go to mediation. He refused to discuss it sensibly (ie; he was thrown out of mediation) so he hasn't seen them since. The way he was messing us around was unacceptable and would have upset the children as they got older.

I've kept a record of all the dates he messed us around just in case.

Whenever mine messes about with contact he dresses it up as 'being flexible' so that I am free to be flexible too, whenever I like.

I never really need to change times/days but when he wants to, he will never be straight about it, he'll pretend it's part of a general drive for more flexibility. That drives me nuts.

I just put up atm, wait for the text a day or two before he wants to see ds, and say yes Ok. He is totally commitment phobic so it suits him.

And I am past caring really. And it's only once a month if that.

Getting tired of just grinning and bearing it. Flexibility is rarely returned, I just get lots of abuse - how dare I upset his weekend! Discussions are a no no on his part - it is his way or no way. It is not fair on the children to hang around waiting and wondering when dad is coming! I would never stop the dc's seeing him but I do need to stand up for dc's and rp's rights and make a stand - somehow!

The law says is both parents have equal responsibility and rights to carry out those responsibilities. IT also says either parent may act unilaterally to carry out their responsibility in day to day matters and if no agreement can be reached either party may apply to court for an order to regulate Parental Responsibility. If the court makes a contact order the order with an attached warning notice should be served on both parties and either parent may apply to enforce the order.

That means in practice a parent with the majority of care can apply for a contact order on the basis that inconsistent and irregular contact isn't in the interests of a child who would benefit from a more structured schedule. A contact order won't guarantee someone will turn up at the times in the order and enforcement is rare. But a contact order does define the times you must make the children available so the rest of the time at least you can make plans and not be disrupted.

If you keep a record of the children being collected/ returned at unscheduled times you can return to court and ask for a contact order to be varied to reflect the reality.

However, good contact for children relies on parents working together, or at least not against each other, and going to court makes that difficult so it should be a last resort after alternatives such as mediation.