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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

At what stage did you stop expecting some kind of admission of fwittery from the Other Parent?

19 replies

ParsleyTheLioness · 15/09/2012 12:00

When they have effectively ended the relationship, or forced you to end it in my case, by many acts of sheer f**wittery. A small ridiculous nonsensical part of me is still waiting for him to say, 'I behaved like an arse, and I'm sorry'. I know this aint gonna happen, logially. How did you come to terms with this? Do you ever, or is it just something that gets better with time? How long did it take you?

OP posts:

BieneMaja · 15/09/2012 12:31

I'm still waiting 6 years later. It aint gonna happen...

Original poster

ParsleyTheLioness · 15/09/2012 12:38

At what point did you come to term Biene if you did?

OP posts:

Original poster

ParsleyTheLioness · 15/09/2012 12:39

I mean terms with it, that it wasn't gonna happen. When your heart caught up with your head...

OP posts:

corlan · 15/09/2012 15:15

I know I'll never get that 'sorry' and I think I came to terms with that quite early on after the split.
I was really interested that a couple of friends did eventually get apologies from their exes and they both said that it didn't make them feel any better and that it was all too little too late.I think I would feel the same myself - I've spent years struggling to raise my children on my own and 'sorry' (even a heartfelt one) wouldn't really make any difference to me now.

Athendof · 15/09/2012 15:36

Well, considering that despite being a total arse to me and his child, he still thinks HE is the victim, I have never expected an apology. I guess I have come to terms with it. I think the biggest appology/admission of mistakes would be for him to stop pretending to earn half his salary and pay maintenance in full, but he accepting he was wrong? no chance, that's why we are divorce in the first place...

washingonawednesday · 15/09/2012 19:20

Im never going to get an apology and I really don't care! It won't make right the 6 months when I had a tiny baby and thought my life was over.

It won't make up for the lack of cash I now have,even though without me he'd never been in the financial position he is now (sounds big headed, but I encouraged university, then further qualifications, then got him his first job. Etc.)

It won't undo all the hurt caused by the affairs and the lies.

It won't bring back the 12 years of my life that (apart from my son) I wasted on that man.

I'd just let it go. Wash your hands of him, have done and be happy he's not your responsibility / life suck anymore!

Mydogsleepsonthebed · 15/09/2012 19:24

I don't think I will ever get an apology as that would mean he would have to admit he'd done something wrong and he is always right and never wrong.

Living well is the best revenge.

FannyBazaar · 15/09/2012 22:06

I suppose in the beginning I thought my husband would maybe apologies, acknowledge his faults, realise what he'd done etc, really I wanted him to commit to counselling so we could talk things through and find out if there was any chance of saving the marriage. A year after the split I did a bit of soul searching, asking myself if we'd ever get back together and did I actually want him back. I didn't want him back and an apology really isn't important to me, I feel lucky to have moved on, been brave enough to make changes and I'm happy with my life.

He did once send a text rather out of the blue about 3 years after we split which said 'sorry for everything'. I've no idea if he even knew what he was sorry for...

foolonthehill · 15/09/2012 22:14

for me, (I have had many meaningless sorrys whilst he still plays the victim) sorry would be him actually being able to be with our DCs without manipulating, denigrating and hurting (emotionally) them. Of course he does not see them now but Skypes to keep the link in a safe place for my lovely, blameless children.

I am sad, I don't think he will ever allow himself to be truly sorry because he would have to actually see what he has done to us. And I am angry because I allowed it to go on for far to long, and even thought he would change when I had "seen the light".

Currently he's still sponging and still telling everyone that he'll be back by Christmas (the date keeps changing but the script does not) Oh and I am still "mad".

I don't think he will ever be sorry, and I don't think I will ever stop wanting it. But I expect to think about it less and less as time goes on.

Original poster

ParsleyTheLioness · 15/09/2012 23:04

Ok, thanks for sharing everyone. I don't want him to come back, I think he has done too many crappy things to me and dd for me to forgive him, and I have had half-hearted acknowledgements of his behaviour, but he doesn't seem to mean it or 'get' what he's done. But then if he did really apologise, and really mean it, it would still be too little, too late.

OP posts:

Meglet · 15/09/2012 23:12

After 4yrs I've not had an 'apology', but we haven't had to see him in over 3yrs so it's a relief. I really don't care as long as we don't see or hear from him again.

TBH he can't be sorry as I have it on pretty good authority he is hitting his latest girlfriend - I bailed out just before it started happening to me. He's not worth the brain space.

bananaistheanswer · 15/09/2012 23:45

I got an apology of sorts. On a couple of issues that were 'bones of contention'. It's been almost 5 years since we split, and have gone through some 'tense' moments. He actually admitted he was a 'shit dad' for not doing more for DD and sort of apologised for it. He seems to be coming round a bit with regards to seeing more of DD. Still nowhere near what you could call 'committed' but it's a vast improvement on past non-efforts. His 'change of heart' took 4 years, 'cos the 1st year he did spend time every week with DD. The 1st apology I got was when he lost his job (retail) and then started in an office - he apologised to me for mocking my knackered-ness seeing as I 'sat on my arse all day' where as he was on his feet all day so obviously I couldn't possibly know what it was to be knackered. That happened about 3 years along from split. The 'shit dad' admission came only 2 months ago. Oddly enough I stopped giving a shit about 2 years along from the split about what he did or didn't do/say/feel/think as I'd wasted too much time and energy driving myself insane trying to get him to just see DD. The minute I just left him to it, and got on with worrying about me and DD, was the moment he stopped being significant to me in any capacity. He can still occasionally do something that really pisses me off, but I'm really good at not showing he's got to me. It's a nice place to be

mummystudent · 17/09/2012 08:09

I will leave ExP to explain his mistakes to our DS when he is old enough to ask him. And as usual, I'll be there to pick up the pieces when he disappoints DS.

Some things will never be forgiven even if he ever did have the urge to say sorry. And of course, If he did apologise, I'd wonder what new kind of s##t he was about to put DS through.

Original poster

ParsleyTheLioness · 17/09/2012 08:22

I think are need to accept some things are just going to end messily, and I'm not going to get a neat 'closure' on this.

OP posts:

Boysrstupid · 17/09/2012 08:35

I've had an I'm sorry. Infact I get it quite a lot at the moment. Doesn't mean shit though because he's still a piss poor father to our dd and a piss poor human being in general.

Stop waiting for him to aknowledge his wrongdoings. You know he's a tool, it's not going to change anything if he shuddenly aknowledges it too.

Let it go. Dust yourself off & pick yourself up. It's the only option available to you.

MakeItALarge · 17/09/2012 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BieneMaja · 18/09/2012 10:33

It took about 3 year for the anger to subside. Now and again I still get upset and indignant about it but it's not gonna change and I've got my beautiful daughter and he hasn't

Original poster

ParsleyTheLioness · 18/09/2012 11:51

OK, thanks. From what you have said, I will feel better in time. I'm still in the first year, still going through the divorce process, so early days.

OP posts:

missymayhemsmum · 21/09/2012 23:54

You divorce someone so that you can stop wasting your life being angry with them. Let go. He's a fuckwit. You are well out of it.
Wouldn't it be galling if he was a fuckwit while you were together and then after you split he got his head together and started being lovely?

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