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Lone parents

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Original poster

How do I tell my dd nicely but honestly that her father isn't interested in seeing her ...........................

75 replies

mandymoomoo · 04/03/2006 08:12

My ex P walked out three years ago on xmas eve and to be frank I was relieved as I suffered from alot of violence from him. My dd was then 3 so is now 6 and she has just realised that she is the only child in her class who doesn't actually see her dad. When he first went I suggested he get in touch with the local contact centre as I didn't feel safe in the same room but he was worried the CSA would find him for his other children.
Nowadays it is not unusual for parents to be living apart but I think most children see the absent parent in some shape or form.
My ex hasn't contributed financially in any way since he left and has not even sent her a birthday or christmas card let alone any presents.
I want to be honest with her but I really don't want her thinking it is her fault, she asked last week and I just managed to mumble something like " well, we have our special time together and you get to see Uncle1 and Uncle2 and Grandpa"
although they live 100 miles away when I wanted really to scream "god the git he only lives a mile away but the pub is far too important to him"
He also has three other children by two different mothers, 14, 8, 5 and although I know he doesn't see the 14 year old am not sure about the other two. None of his family are interested either which to be honest I am thankful of.
Sorry it is such a long post, has anyone else had experience of this ?

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Original poster
mandymoomoo · 04/03/2006 18:50

leggymama thanks for your post, I am glad your situation worked out ok :) I was worried how this would effect her, bless her

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Original poster
mandymoomoo · 04/03/2006 18:51

and if I haven't mentioned anyone by name, apologies but Dancing on Ice is on and I am addicted, shame it's the last one.
thanks once again **

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7up · 04/03/2006 19:36

hi mandymoomoo, my eldest ds now 11 saw his dad once when he was 11months old. he lived 35miles away and had 4other children by different dads. my son started really asking about his dad when he was about 4, i made excuses and never slagged him off and my son used to paint pics "for dad" and send them with a photo. id include a short note with our address begging him to ring or write but we never heard a thing. luckily my ds's school dont do mothers/fathers day cards because so many kids dont see the absent parent.

he knows where his father lives and says if he decides to see him when hes older he'l go and look for him. i hope he doesnt, but obviously i wouldnt stop him

it was so difficult not to tell ds that his dad was a drunken tosser but i didnt. anyway he eventually met dad when he was 8 about 4 times before spending the night with him and his then very nice girlfriend. he bought my ds a cheap mobile and promised to ring/text him. my ds would sit in his room and text him and wait and wait and wait for a reply and never get one. it was heartbreaking. in the end i phoned him and said if youre not going to keep in touch as you promised then dont bother because of the upset it was causing to ds.

ds hasnt heard from him for 3 years other than a birthday card that i begged his dad to send him as ds has told me it would make his birthday. it just said to luke from dad,no note, money or anything. never heard again and ds is ok with that, he has his photos and mementos and that seems enough.

nulnulcat · 04/03/2006 19:59

ex walked out when i was heavily pregnant and has probably seen dd half a dozen times in the two years since never picked her up and cuddled her and last time she saw him she went to give him a kiss and he pushed her away! i have begged and begged him to have a relationship with her and he says he will makes arrangements to come and see her then doesnt turn up she is getting to an age now where she realises about daddies etc but fortunatly she has an excellant relationship with my partner and as far as she is concerned he is daddy she calls her biological father other daddy, im hoping now he will stay away until she is old enough to decide whether she wants a relationship with him. cant understand how he can have a beautiful daughter he wants nothing to do with! he tells me he loves her and thinks about her but he has a funny way of showing it!

7up · 04/03/2006 20:11

nulnulcat, especially with your dd being in/out hospital. some men just should not be fathers and if they go round charming us and making loads with different woman they should be castrated!

OMG im a bitter woman, think id better log off and watch casultySmile

Original poster
mandymoomoo · 04/03/2006 20:14

no 7up I agree with you, my ex has four children by three diff mothers, poss five i reckon he should have it chopped off

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Original poster
mandymoomoo · 04/03/2006 20:17

nulnulcat, I agree also how can these guys have these beautiful children and not want to see them or contribute financially to their lives. The other thing I worry about is that since he left dd has never seen me with another guy, I have had one fling not serious but she tends to all over my male friends like a rash :)

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7up · 04/03/2006 20:21

mandymoomoo, when my son was about 5 and he realised from school that all his friends had a daddy, he was desperate for me to have a boyfriend. everytime i went out he would tell me to look for a specific sort "mum, i want you to find a boyfriend with green hair" was one commentSmilei did have quite a few brief flings which ds took in his stride and he loved being spoilt and i didnt make a big thing of it. dont know wot sort of effect its had on him because hes always liked the girls and has a different girlfriend everyweek!of course, now im older ive been single for 2half years and have no intention of even looking for someone. il go to the anne summers shop! must log off!x

Original poster
mandymoomoo · 04/03/2006 20:24

yes ann summers has got me into debt ;)

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nulnulcat · 04/03/2006 20:36

7up my wonderful ex has never even bothered to see how she is when she has been in! one occasion when she was 6 weeks old it was the first time he saw her and i was having to take her to hospital he had come down to have a row with me was totally vile! he had to take us to hospital didnt even bother coming in just left us in car park and had to dash of to his new girlfriend who would be wondering where he was!!!!!!! im getting wound up now! going as my lovely fella who is a wonderful step dad will be home in a minute with curry and beer

AggiePanther · 05/03/2006 01:02

You're welcome mandymoo/c-gal ..and don't worry about needing a lot of advice at the moment...we all go through tough patches and there are enough mumsnetters to help out :) I think this is such an amazing place ... I have often felt quite alone in my situation but you only strated this thread this morning and look how many of us there are.
Just wanted to add that I now have a fabulous dp who is absolutely lovely to dd and she adores him and we are expecting a baby in july ...so things do get better ..and not all men are tw*ts ..you live and you learn eh?Grin

nightowl · 05/03/2006 01:25

i hope nobody minds me posting on this thread because i dont have any answers. my dd is two now, i knew her daddy for years, put it this way we had a long history. yet he has never seen her, he left me, disappeared when i was 3 months pg. i managed to get in touch with him once when she was two weeks old, he promised to meet her but never turned up. he's never send a christmas or birthday card. his family dont want to know. i even sent his mum a letter, from the heart (not like me at all, i would rather shove a red hot poker up my arse tbh) what did his mum do? she gave the letter straight to his gf who then took it round all her friends to show them. i only know this as she majorly screwed over her best friend who found my number on the letter she had left on her desk and phoned me up!!

im dont know how im ever going to explain to dd what happened. i havent a clue.

Original poster
mandymoomoo · 05/03/2006 08:55

hi aggiepanther, I am really pleased for you. You must be so excited about your impending birth and at least it gives me a little hope for the future and a new relationship. Although I don't really get to meet guys on a day-day basis I do chat to quite a few online and am due to have a meet with one at the beginning of April when my dd is at my mum's for Easter.

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Original poster
mandymoomoo · 05/03/2006 08:58

nightowl of course I don't mind you posting, it just goes to show that even tho you think you know someone, do you ever really ? That must have been awful for you. I am sure that when the time comes for you to explain things to your dd you will have the answer and if not I am sure MN will help :)

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Blandmum · 05/03/2006 09:15

I hope people don't mind me posting here. My dh had a father like this. His father buggered off when dh was 13, leaving MIL with 4 boys, dh was the oldest. FIL paid the legal minimum but had no contact at all for 3 years, not a card at birthday or chistmass. He eventualy moved to the states.

He kept vague contact over the interviening years, with the odd phone call. The boys visited once or twice as they were growing up.

MIL never said anything about him, tbh, she just left things open and the bys eventualy made up their own minds.

MIL is an amazing woman and raised 4 wonderful boys into terrific men. Dh is a fantastic father and husband to me.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that althought everyone would want both parents to be involved, some men are just wasters. Dh honestly feels that he would have been more harmed by his dad taking an interest, since he was so obviously a waste of space.

Kids need one good parent, I'd bet next months money that you are all more than that! All credit to you girls, and I bet your kis will turn out as terrific as dh. Not having his dad around didn't harm him, he had a great mum....just like you lot.

HappyMumof2 · 05/03/2006 09:29

Thanks Smile

It is a worry and you are constantly concerned about the effect on the children, so to hear positive stories is great Smile

Original poster
mandymoomoo · 05/03/2006 09:41

thanks martianbishop thats really nice to hear :)

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AggiePanther · 05/03/2006 09:49

Thanks martianbishop:) ...it amazes me how these men can not want to see their children ....or make feeble excuses, like not having enough money or being too far away - if I was seperated from my DD for any reason- if it came down to money -I would rather not eat than not see her - if it was distance- I'd walk or beg borrow or steal to get to see her!

jco · 05/03/2006 15:27

mandymoo, my kids are like that with any male friends, they are both all over them, also if i go to a friends house they are the same with their husbands. it makes me feel really bad but then i think to myself that its not me who should feel bad, its their father who made the decision to have little to do with them.

I also feel sad when i'm out with the kids at the park, zoo etc and you see all these families with a mummy and a daddy. I feel sad for my kids that they have never experienced that. I do try my hardest to make sure we have as much fun as i can and have taken them on holidays on my own but i do worry that what i am doing is not enough.

My ex always use to say that my kids will hate me when they grow up for 'depriving' them of a father, I did end my marriage but i never ever stopped him from seeing the kids, that was all his doing but i do worry that they will resent me in some way when they are older

Original poster
mandymoomoo · 05/03/2006 15:43

well I feel as if I conjured up the devil by talking about my XP.
I haven't seen hide nor hair of him since Sep05 and we went to get on the bus into town today and something made me look before I got on. Thank god I did as he was on the bus with his gf, I had to get off and told my dd that I didn't have the correct money for the fare. It really shook me up. Even worse he didn't even recognise his own dd.

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Original poster
mandymoomoo · 05/03/2006 15:46

jco, I am sure our kids won't blame us when they are older as they will have been told the truth and i know exactly what you mean about seeing other families. I keep expecting my dd to say something but she hasn't so far. I think you tend to try and overcompensate as well for the absent parent which is how come I have got into so much debt.

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cheltenhamgal · 06/03/2006 13:07

bump

lunavix · 06/03/2006 13:10

mandy - did he cheat on you? Just wondering about the 8 and 5 year old by same mother when yours is 6?

HappyMumof2 · 06/03/2006 13:25

yes, that must be really hard if he cheated on you. My ds's father's kids are all older than ds.....

mind you, dd (2.3) has one half sibling younger than her (concieved whilst I was pregnant) and another on the way - and that is bloody hard to deal with

cheltenhamgal · 06/03/2006 18:49

god hmof2 I know exactly how you feel. When I was pregnant with dd we split up for three weeks and then lo and behold if his ex(mum of the 8yr old)doesn't announce she is pregnant by him. He denied it of course for three years until we split up and I actually got to meet the ex and the dd and ds. God they were too alike not to be bro and sis. How do I explain to dd she has a half bro of only 4mths diff ! she knows she has an older bro, older sis and younger bro but we never see them even tho they only live 11miles away. The ex has my no but I don't have hers or know where she lives. How can one man cause so much carnage :)