How do I tell my dd nicely but honestly that her father isn't interested in seeing her ...........................

[mandymoomoo]

My ex P walked out three years ago on xmas eve and to be frank I was relieved as I suffered from alot of violence from him. My dd was then 3 so is now 6 and she has just realised that she is the only child in her class who doesn't actually see her dad. When he first went I suggested he get in touch with the local contact centre as I didn't feel safe in the same room but he was worried the CSA would find him for his other children.
Nowadays it is not unusual for parents to be living apart but I think most children see the absent parent in some shape or form.
My ex hasn't contributed financially in any way since he left and has not even sent her a birthday or christmas card let alone any presents.
I want to be honest with her but I really don't want her thinking it is her fault, she asked last week and I just managed to mumble something like " well, we have our special time together and you get to see Uncle1 and Uncle2 and Grandpa"
although they live 100 miles away when I wanted really to scream "god the git he only lives a mile away but the pub is far too important to him"
He also has three other children by two different mothers, 14, 8, 5 and although I know he doesn't see the 14 year old am not sure about the other two. None of his family are interested either which to be honest I am thankful of.
Sorry it is such a long post, has anyone else had experience of this ?

I have my ds is 6 1/2 and has really only had his dad around for around 2 years (not solidly - on and off) of his life. His mother doesn't want to see ds as he has had 3 other children by 3 other women and I think she's just had enough. I don't think there are any easy answers to this. The line I use is/was (he now has some contact - although it seems to have stopped) 'well he's a nice man, but he's not very good at being a dad. Maybe when he knows how to be a good dad, you might see him again' I don't know if that's any good to you? I always try to put the nice man bit in, even if it isn't strictly true, as I don't want ds to think his father has been an arse.

Tbh, he is starting to wise up to it, she will realise as she gets older that he didn't want to see her and it may or may not be painful for her. You can only do your bit, and make sure she knows how much you love her.

Btw, my situation with dd's 'father' (she's 2.3) is much worse and he has being a complete and utter tosser. Luckily for her, all his family are involved with her and love her to bits, but I am so angry with what he has done I feel I may just be a lot more honest with her and tell her he's an arse

sorry, probably no help, but just to say, you are not alone. HTH.

I know exactly how you feel I just want to yell but he's a GIT. Everyone in work laughs when I call him "Gitfeatures" She will found that out eventually tho unfortnuately, it just threw me I was expecting it but when she is a bit older

I think my worst ever moment was when ds was in reception and it was father's day. As the door opened (they were collected from the gym & used to sit behind double doors) there was ds sitting there with a tie (they had all made cardboard ties with 'world's best dad' on) saying 'world's best ' and it was just left blank. I felt like shit
I'm sure the teacher meant well but I found that really cruel.

oh & dd's 'father's' only name is 'arseface'

lol

Yep mandymoo, my dds dad and I split up when she was 3 ..he saw here infrequently until she was 5 then moved away and hasn't seen her since (she's now almost 11) when she was 5 he said he was coming to visit and she was so excited ..put on her best clothes etc and was waiting at the door ....half an hour after he was due to arrive he rang to say he wasnt coming ...so she said 'when will I see you again daddy?' and he replied 'probably never'! My DD broke her heart ..she was doubled up in pain crying..and there was notbhing I could do ..b*tard! Since then he has een in touch erraticly ..phone calls every now and then ..he said he wanted to see her so I said 'well start by phoning regularly, maybe every week/fortnight..and if you can sustain that then we can move on from there' - he never did sustain it but I never wanted to be the one to say he couldnt see dd as I didnt want her growing up blaming me for her not seeing her dad...For a while she really missed her dad ..or at least the idea of him..fathers day was horrid, specially when they made cards in school..none of her friends were in the same situation..but I tried never to slag him off because I wanted her to feel it was ok to talk about him...It used to drive me bonkers when she 'd sulk and say 'I wish my dad was here ..he'd let me do X' and I'd think 'your dad's a f**ing tosser who hasn't showed any interest or contributed financially at all and would rather get pissed than spend his money visiting you'...but I didnt say anything...gradually she mentioned him less and less. Her older half sister (who she sees regularly as her mum and I made sure they kept on seeing each other) has probably said more disparaging things about him and I would say 'well lets not get our hopes up' or 'you know your dads not very reliable' etc so she gradually picked up the idea.That was until a year last October when he started to make 'odd' slightly threatening calls (theres a whole other story about his questionable mental health) and scared me witless - I moved out of the house and was too scared to return ..I decided it was time to say he couldnt see DD without going through the courts and time to get an injunction. DD was 9 at the time ...I had a chat to her and said I was thinking of making it the law that her dad couldn't see her unless the court said so ..(or something like that) and how did she feel ....she said she was relieved, and that she had been scared that he'd come and take her away and that she might have to live with him ...and that she didnt really know him anymore and didnt want to ...that she was happy with it just being me and her. I was really surprised at this but I have to say relieved. Sorry its such a long post ...can't remember what my point was ...just that yes I have experience of this sort of thing :) HTH

AggiePanther that brought tears to my eyes when you said about the phone call....... bless her.

You sound like you've done really well by her, you should be very proud of yourself (& her)

Hi happymumof2 ..it brought tears to my eyes remembering it ..thanks ..and so have you done well ..and mandymoo ...there's so little out there to help women in our situation ...I guess because most absent dads want to see their kids ...I remember trying to find storybooks to help with the situation, but all of them were stories along the lines of 'mummy and daddy are splitting up but they both still love you and you'll still see them both' which just wasnt true for us...perhaps i should write one? Oh btw I jsut remembered one thing that helped my DD not to think it was her fault (I hope) was that when she did talk about her dad leaving her/letting her down ..we talked about all the others he'd let down eg her sister, me, his ex, work, his friends, his landlord (without doing slagging off) just so she could see it wasn't her it was him

Also making friends with his ex ..(DD's sisters mum )..was a great support ..cos we both know what a tosser he is and can support each other, the girls can support each other and there's more of a sense of family .

Me again happymum ...just picturing your ds with his tie :( I know how that must have felt ((hug)) perhaps even worse for a boy :(

My dad left my mum when I was 4 and I haven't seen him since I was 6 - so coming from it at the other side - I think my mum dealt with it really well. She never said anything bad about him at all (well not to me or around me). Can't remember exactly what she said but made it very clear that he could see me whenever he wanted to and it was his loss if he didn't. She also made it clear that I could contact him if I wanted to - may be writing a letter as it's quite an easy thing to do (I never did BTW).

The point about being scare he's going to come back and take you away is also really valid - I can remeber being worried about that too.

I know it's a really difficult situation to be in but my mum came out of it really well and I'm not 'too' messed up!

That's really reassuring leggy ...(well for me anyway but its mandymoos thread:)) My biggest worry is that I'll have somehow got it wrong

LOL @ak47

No???

my ex and i split up 3 years ago and he rarely sees the kids, through his choice not mine.

i wouldn't tell any child that their father doesn't want to see them. Not for the dads sake but for the childs. it doesn't matter how much you tell them that its not their fault they will still believe in their little minds that its something to do with them.

my kids have also made stuff for their dad at school. I use to help them put it in an envelope and post it to their dad. for a while i didn't even know where he was but i still made up an address and let the kids post it, it really seemed to make them happy that they thought their daddy would be getting what they made them.

mandymoomoo, your situation is very similar to mine, in that my ex walked out and has now not seen his 3 kids for 8 years. No xmas cards. No birthday cards. Nothing. And he too lives only a couple of miles away.

My 3 are now 14, 12 and 10 and I have always answered that he was too ill to see them. They accepted this wothout question when they were younger. Now they understand far more, so I have explained that there are different forms of illness and their father's illness is a mental one. This has evolved a bit more and now they are older they know he just isn't interested in seeing them. Their view is that if he isn't bothered with them, then they haven't got time for him. Thankfully this is without upset and they really appear to have no feelings for him, good or bad.

Luckily for me, and them, I have remarried and my dh is their dad, end of story. They have still not seen my ex but maintain a good relationship with their gran, his mother. If you can, keep up contact with her uncles and grandpa.

firstly thanks for all your replies, have only just logged in again, you have all really made me feel that I am not alone with this. It just broke my heart when she asked me that as I knew it was going to come but didn't expect it so soon.

aggiepanther, christ they just dont realise what they are saying do they. How awful for you. My ex said something suitably world shattering, too long to go into now but luckily she was too young to understand. And you are right cos he has a daughter 2yrs older than my dd and he let her down time and time again which is why I am determined it won't happen to my dd. I did start off by making friends with his ex but even she drifted off and you would have thought she would have known better

jco I always wondered what to do with those "offerings" they made at nursery and school, now I shall know to think up a bogus addy

QE2 I would have loved to keep up contact with his family, I had known his brother for nearly 15yrs as I used to work with him. What annoyed me was that he saw what my dd went thru when her dad left and then a year later he moved and didnt even let me know so I dont even know where he is.

Her uncles and grandpa are my brothers and stepdad but they live about 100 miles away I have no family where I live.

aggie panther thanks again for your post, you were really honest and it must have been upsetting to bring up those memories. You have helped me alot this week(cheltenhamgal) I know it was daft to change my name but I thought people would start getting fed up of me as I seem to have so much going wrong at the moment. thanks tho hun and if you ever need a friendly ear I will be there for you