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Original poster

Being dictated to by ExP's Partner - bit long

58 replies

useyourloaf · 04/07/2012 18:57

DS is due to start nursery school attached to local primary in September.

It was agreed back in March that they would take DS on a summer holiday and despite me asking several times, I'd had no info from them about when they were planning to go. As she has school-age children and they put summer holiday in their solicitors letter, I assumed it would be during school holidays.

ExP told me yesterday that they are going on holiday in September but they hadn't booked anything yet. I pointed out that this might clash with DS starting nursery school.

She told me over the phone today that I couldn't stop them from taking DS even if it clashed, to stop being awkward and difficult and would I really want to stop DS going on the holiday of a lifetime Confused. Also, that I never thanked her for everything she did for DS and that I should be grateful to her.

I said that I was happy he was going but I wasn't happy about the timing as I want him to start and settle at nursery school with the other children. She told me not to try to dictate when she could go on holiday. I asked her why she didn't take her DC's on holiday in school holidays and she pretty much said because she wants to be able to go when it suits her. She went on to say that they would apply for joint residency and then they could take DS out of the country whenever they like, she'd spoken to her lawyer 5 minutes ago and as I'd agreed to a holiday that was that.

The whole situation is very acrimonious and there's no hope of dialogue other than through solicitors as it has been in the past.

Long and boring post I know, so thanks for reading!!

WWYD?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 04/07/2012 19:08

Start by seeing the school, LEA and solicitor asp-hopefully someone will come along with proper advice.

Original poster
useyourloaf · 04/07/2012 19:12

Thanks for your reply exotic

I know nursery education isn't compulsory so DS doesn't have to be there, but he's going and so I think its better for him if he's not on holiday on the first or second week. I suspect school might say something similar.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 04/07/2012 19:22

School will back you up-sure to- but I don't know whether that is enough so hopefully someone will come along who knows.

Original poster
useyourloaf · 04/07/2012 19:28

You're probably right that it's not enough. Angry

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 04/07/2012 19:31

If you get no replies I will bump it up for you later-there must be someone with experience.

Original poster
useyourloaf · 04/07/2012 19:37

thanks - appreciate it.

OP posts:
purpleroses · 04/07/2012 20:50

I would keep your dealings direct with your ex if I were you. There's a lot more scope for friction with someone you've probably never liked and don't really know.

As far as I'm aware most nursaries will allow term time holidays OK - though you should check out what their views are - if your DS simply doesn't show up at the start of term they may give his place away to someone else. Your DP's OH though will have to ask her DC's school for permission. A lot of schools are getting really strict on this these days (my DD's school sent a letter recently more or less saying that they would only authorise it in extreme circumstances, eg if a parent is dying and likely not to get any further holidays - whilst my sister tells me that at her school you have to actually be dead before they'll allow your DC time off Shock)

So it's possible if they've not yet booked that it may not happen. But if he insists, you'll have to ask your soliciator as to what counts as a summer holiday.

Bloody cheak expecting you to thank her for things she does for your DS - it's your ex that should be thanking her, not you! He's his son too!

Original poster
useyourloaf · 04/07/2012 21:01

thanks for your views and advice purpleroses.

I would never have spoken to her directly about it. ExP phoned me, said "hang on a minute" and then passed the phone to her! Shock

If it was a month into nursery or whatever I wouldn't have a problem with it, but its the first or second week that she wants to go and that's disruptive for DS.

Good idea about clarifying what might constitute a summer holiday - but may be clutching at straws??

OP posts:
davidtennantsmistress · 04/07/2012 21:01

sorry but who is she exactly? how does she fit in with her lawyer and what she wants suiting & dictating to you - how about you won't be dictated to by her!

anyhow, keep all contact between you and your XP I would say even if it is through the solicitors, after all it's yours and xp's child, and in essance nothing to do with her (as in she has or should have no say over matters to do with your child) . also ensure your for armed as well, i'm not a legal bod but being able to take your child out of the country when they like doesn't sound right.

she sounds like a nasty peice of work.

ninjanurse · 04/07/2012 21:20

I had similar sorts of issues with my exH and his (now ex!)partner. She would take over all conversations, and he would stand like there a mute. You just need to say to him civilly and firmly, or through the solicitor ' I am happy to discuss these issues with you on our own'. If she tries to phone or get into long winded discussions with you just smile politely and say 'Im sorry, but Im only going to discuss this with ex' and then disengage from the conversation. And repeat as necessary.

Original poster
useyourloaf · 04/07/2012 21:27

I know DTM, but ExP insists on involving her and making her part of the decision-making. I've told him I deal with him not her and he's DS parent, as am I, not her, but he won't have it. I think he's talked me down to her so much that she thinks she's superior and can lay down the law to me.

I was really upset and angry by the convo this afternoon and they pretty much made a two-pronged attack on me.

OP posts:
Original poster
useyourloaf · 04/07/2012 21:34

you're right ninjanurseI'm kicking myself that I spoke at all and will certainly ignore in the future but I didn't think as I was caught on the hop and holiday issue is one that needed to be decided on fairly quickly really to save further hassle. Suppose I hoped some reasonable dialogue might happen too. Foolish me.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 04/07/2012 22:19

if he is under five then not at legal school age anyway and a lot of nurseries have staggered entry - so if his name is far up the alphabet he might not be given starting date til say week three anyway !

but i dont think that is the biggest issue here - the issue is that this woman who has no biological link to your child is talking about joint residency etc when she has no say in it!

and a child that age is not going to remember a "holiday of a lifetime" at age four when he is on desert island discs age 65...

insist on speaking or communicating with your ex - the child's father not with ehr. he can email you surely?

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 04/07/2012 22:21

september is the start of the AUTUMN term. Autumn.autumn autumn...

Angry

oops sorry getting mad on your behalf!

Original poster
useyourloaf · 04/07/2012 22:29

cestlavielife I have his start date and I have told ExP and OH the date and as they haven't booked a holiday yet, asked them if they can make sure that it's before this date (third week in Sept), but she said "no, not for sure" Shock. It depends on what suits her really.

red that's how I feel.

But can I do anything???????

OP posts:
anysummerthisyear · 04/07/2012 22:40

I also think you should deal with him directly rather than her.

I guess they are trying to plan and book a holiday which involves a fair bit of hard work to fit in around everyone especially if she has her own young children too.

Nursery isn't schooling though (Im assuming you mean nursery rather than reception? it's not compulsory and is just childcare really, not something that needs to be started at the beginning of the term etc. I understand it's attached to the school but it isn't school it's nursery.

There will be children coming and going on various dates throughout the time your DC is there. Some kids will already have been there a year or more and loads many leave as their parents childcare needs change, this has certainly been my experience of childcare settings in the past.

What Im getting at is, it's only nursery, fingerpainting and childcare, not school. Perhaps they're going in September because they can't afford to go term-time. Perhaps if you refuse to let him go in term time they will go anyway and take her kids and it's only your DC that loses out. I would give your "permission" and "let" him go, but make it clear once he's in proper compulsory education he can't go on holiday in term time.

clam · 04/07/2012 22:59

"I've told him I deal with him not her.....but he won't have it"
It's not up to him. Just refuse to speak with her on the subject. He can run everything past her for her permission if he likes, but you only need to direct your conversation at him and if you don't like what she he proposes then block it.
She's got a bloody nerve, but you don't have to let her go unchallenged. You sound far too nice. I'd have got distinctly arsey and said "I'm not prepared to discuss my children with you. Please put their father back on the phone." And repeat.

Original poster
useyourloaf · 04/07/2012 23:00

Thanks for your opinion anysummer.

As I explained further up I don't want to deal with her at all.

Her children are teenagers rather than little ones, and most people manage to fit holidays into term-time.

I'm well aware that nursery school is not reception and know that it's not compulsory, but there are not children coming and going and some have not been there a year or so, they all begin together in September. It is a nursery school not a day nursery. It's very much set up like school really.

OP posts:
Original poster
useyourloaf · 04/07/2012 23:04

clam I'm too soft nice and they've railroaded me before.

I know that's how I should have handled it...but...

OP posts:
anysummerthisyear · 04/07/2012 23:09

Davidtwnnantsmistress- re not being allowed to take a child out the country. A friend of mine tried to stop her ex taking her son for a holiday and she got laughed out of court (not literally). If OP's ex has parental responsibility he can take their child for a holiday. He should really get permission of everyone with parental responsibility but failing that he could just go. If he has no form for abduction, threatening or actually not returning the child and is just going for a holiday a court would see OP's refusal of permission as unreasonable. Especially as DC is only at nursery (in childcare) not at school.

Original poster
useyourloaf · 04/07/2012 23:20

are you a legal bod anysummer?

OP posts:
clam · 04/07/2012 23:23

Oh and re: thanking her How about, "I've neither asked nor expected you to do things for my children. As far as I'm concerned, that's their father's role." And DO NOT ENGAGE ANY FURTHER!!!

But then, according to dh I can be a right snippy cow.

Original poster
useyourloaf · 04/07/2012 23:35

Yep would have been very satisfying to say that clam. Think I managed something garbled along the lines of "I didn't ask you to" while she was telling me about all the little things she does for DS, but the whole conversation was a mess and is now a blur.

OP posts:
redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 04/07/2012 23:40

if it is school nursery, they all start at a similar time so it is important that they are there for their induction period.

anysummerthisyear · 04/07/2012 23:42

Useyourloaf, no I'm not a legal bod at all :) I only know about this specific part of legalities as my close friend tried and failed to stop her EXH taking their DC on holiday and I've heard about nothing else from her for months! I've been given a minute by minute account of what
the court said and did, or didn't do and helped her research it and with her discussions with solicitors too.

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