can stbxh legally insist on our sons being cared for by a nanny Monday-Wednesday now that I have given up work?

[domesticgodless]

Hi all

After a long struggle to keep my academic job I've finally given up. The nearest one I could find was 90 mins away and with the ludicrous workload I was hardly seeing my kids at all. I suffer from bipolar disorder (I can still care adequately for my sons btw, but my own health is affected profoundly by ongoing stress such as the situation i find myself in).

I have to live in SE London due to a divorce and a privately arranged shared custody arrangement backed up by fulsome threats from xh that he was prepared to lie in court, 'ruin' me and paint me as an abuser if I 'took his kids away from him' by trying to find a place to live nearer my work. The kids go to school 20 mins away from where I currently live- I had to live out of the district as it's a posh one and could not afford the rent. Xh got house as when we split up I was suffering from undiagnosed bipolar disorder and was extremely disordered and confused and also guilty about my admittedly appalling behaviour.)

The 50:50 arrangement was sadly necessary for the last 4 years during term time as I couldn't manage the commute and my massive hours, early/late meetings, etc. I tried going p/t but the difference was negligible and in fact I just kept all the crappy teaching etc and got dumped on more often with no chance of promotion. So bye bye career for now :(

So now I do not have any work and not much prospect of getting any due to mental health and poor research record. My stbxH is rabid about 50:50 as a sort of matter of principle. This despite the fact that the children are with a nanny from 8-7 every weekday he has them. So Mon- Wed (the day of changeover at present, with me having to return them at 6pm Saturday).

I am pretty sure that the children would prefer me to care for them and not her, and they've said as much. During previous mediations when I've suggested that if I gave up work I would want to look after them and take them to school every day during term, he reacted as if I'd threatened to abduct them and started accusing me of being a bad mother and child abuser etc and saying that I was trying to disrupt their 'routine' and lives etc. Would he have any leverage with this argument does anyone think?

Also any advice on how I go about establishing this? Will I need to try to get a residence order giving me weekday residence? The current arrangement was never finalised in court but is obviously the 'status quo'. Might I end up forced to pick up the kids in the morning for school run and then drop them to his at 7pm to preserve said status quo? (stupid, but I know how much 'father's rights' mean to courts now.... and he is desperate for me not to seem to have 'control' over the children).

Thanks ffor any help or advice. i am confused and feel very intimidated by him. Due to my mental health I suppose, and my admittedly bad behaviour to him when we were married, I have often believed his jeering about what a bad mother I am and that he is the better parent and I should just bugger off and do as I'm told.

thanks purpleroses. Only if he gets his clean break would I have to move out of London. Which is why old solicitor said he was 'delusional'. It's v bizarre. he wants not to pay me anything but to have me live conveniently where I can drop his children off to the school of his choosing every week. Weird. If I'm to work ft and live on my salary I'd have to move 90 min at least from london which would send him into fits. I don't think he's entirely rational about all this tbh which is why he may cave and I may just get an extra night with boys or something.

I do know a situation where full custody was awarded to the parent who quit work, even though they moved 4hours away from the working parent. in that case it was the ex husband who got custody adn the wife who is workign all hours to support two households including a new wife and baby, adn sees her child every other weekend. because they're so far away. Sucks unbelievably.

domesticgoddless I also remember your previous threads - in fact I have at times wondered how you were doing. I am really sorry to hear you have had to give up work. I will also post more later as have to run to do child pickup soon, but don't give in to the suicidal feelings - your kids have told you that they need you and love you.

thanks Eighties. It was made a lot worse last week by my APPALLING pms :) and the recent breakup of my (awful) relationship with a narc man whom for god knows what reason I'm still completely hung up on. I still feel anxious/depressed/grieving (for my career and life in general not just this man....) but not suicidal, I will be in the danger zone again in 3 weeks or so so need to set up support for myself.

It has been lovely to spend time with the boys this week. Eldest won 5 medals in his sports day!! (where that came from god knows!) Youngest drew me a series of lovely pictures and a note telling me he loves me.

Bobbi a friend of mine's husband did the same thing. Quit work and claimed maintenance from the ex wife, also accused her of alcoholism and child abuse (not true) but all he got was 50:50. I really wouldn't be giving up work if I felt I hadn't lost the career I put 10 years and my blood into just because he wanted it all his own way when shared residence is NOT the solution in our sort of acrimonious split; and if I didn't feel that the kids really wanted it, which they continually tell me they do. They complain all the time about not seeing me and their dad and being left with a nanny. I reckon if they can't see their dad any more than they do (and they can't) why not spend time with me when H can easily afford it (and believe me he can; he can only afford this 50:50 arrangement with 11 hours a day childcare because he is loaded). Anyway I'm leaving it to court to decide, they may well decide to leave as is and I'll have to live with it as I already do.

When my parents split my Dad was awarded residency. At the time my Mum wasn't working so we were dropped off with her, she took us to school and collected us after school, my Dad then collected us from her house on the way home.
My parents worked together to do the best for their children despite a rather acrimonious split. Which is what you are suggesting. I don't think you will get around the 50/50 split and yes you will have to have their Dad pick them up after work on his days (IMO) but you providing care instead of a Nanny should easily be shown as in the children's best interests.

hi Loony. The reason H wants a nanny is because he has 'an antipathy' (his words) to me and does not want me anywhere near his house (well still ours legally actually, I'm joint owner). When I come to pick the kids up from his he balks if I ask to use the loo, it's HIS house now and I'm not supposed to pass the threshold.

It wouldnt' be convenient for him to pick up from my house due to his silly working hours- plus as I can't afford to live in the same area as him it would add 20 mins to his commute. It is all currently organised entirely to please and convenience him- which is just not right in a shared residence arrangement.

He is full of cant about how we must co-parent properly for the boys, but cannot get over his superiority complex and hatred for me. I've made it clear that I am prepared to go to joint counselling to work out the best way of doing things and get over the issues we both have with our acrimonious divorce, in the boys best interests, but he refuses as he's 'too busy' and of course insists that the problems are all mine as I am the 'mad' one. As I've said upthread I understand why he hates me to some extent but it is psychiatrically documented that my behaviour at the end of our relationship was caused by mental health issues and wasn't just me deciding to go have fun. He can't deal with it all which I suppose is understandable (I cant' deal with it myself tbh :() but I don't think you can pose as Uberdad without dealing with the wider issues.

I really really hope that the courts see sense and listen to the boys. Presumably he could afford to pay a regular CRB checked mini cab driver to come and collect them for yours/have a chauffer if he no longer pays for a nanny.

It is awful that he can't put his ds' interests before his at any time.

Domestic, those are his issues to solve, don't let them make them yours. If he isn't prepared to make a 20 min detour for his children then he is hardly Dad of the year!
He seems to think that punishing you is more important than the happiness and well being of his children, hopefully any judge would see that.

I have great respect for my Mum, despite being hugely disappointed about not getting residency she put all that aside to make our (mine and my brothers) lives easier and more consistent. My parents eventually came to their own 50/50 arrangement - again with the needs of us children uppermost. Shame your exH cannot be similarly mature.

I've never told my mum what I wrote above - I will when I next see her.

domesticgodless, I remember you well from your old threads, and I have a lot of sympathy with your situation.

As I see it, you have an ongoing project in three areas, and it would be good to keep inching forward in all three rather than fixate on one as being The Solution:

1. looking after your own wellbeing as much possible. You might think about trying the Women's Aid Freedom Programme. I know you don't necessarily describe your ex as an abusive husband while you were together, but his determination to limit your capacity to mother your dcs and his controlling behaviour is abuse in my book. You say you have been in a relationship with another N, and I think you have some self-healing and self-care to do. If you find it difficult to see yourself as a priority, look on it as an investment that will benefit your dcs.

2. the legal fight to have daytimes with your dcs. I'm delighted you have a solicitor you have more confidence in. However this battle goes (and I think you're in with a decent shot), as another poster wisely said, in a couple of years they'll be old enough to vote with their feet anyway. Whatever the outcome and however hard the waiting, you have to find ways to avoid leting these issues intrude on your precious time with your boys.

One thought on the legal negotations: why offer him every w/end in the full knowledge he doesn't want it? Is it just to show him up in court? I understand that it's hard to think of a "win win" outcome, but it's worth a shot. Is he at all motivated by money? Would it help to say "look, you can save the nanny's salary plus I won't ask for any more money"?

3. The work thing. Less of a priority for now, perhaps, but long-term it will help with your wellbeing to sort this out. I don't know if you've considered university admin. I do it myself (alongside a part-time PhD) and it's lovely going home at 5pm and knowing my academic colleagues have hours more work ahead of them and I don't!

One way or another, the situation will be completely different in five years time, as your dcs will be past the nanny stage. No point resorting to a permanent solution (like suicide) to a short-term situation.

thanks nickname. I remember you too! Looking after my own wellbeing seems very difficult. I feel a bit broken again today, after feeling I had got better and stronger. But this life seems to demand so much strength every day that I feel I don't have it and I start to want to be dead so much....even though for the boys I know I can't do it.

I miss my bonkers ex so much today, saw his FB and it seems he's moved on already (typical) but I just feel like such a shell of a person who has fucked up everything. Being this depressed it's hard to be a great mother as I'm in a sad world of my own and I end up feeling I am a crap mother to them anyway and they don't need me. Though rationally I know this is not true.

one thing at a time - what do you think should you do next?
perhaps give yourself a week to talk to few more solicitors and by this time next week decide who you are going for

achieving one of the necessary aims would make you feel better and that you are actually progressing

I would not give up on a single penny you are owed - why not looking at divorce and split of assets? Would that help you to buy your own place if you earned a modest salary? I think then it would be easier for you to accept the need of career changing. I am not sure when you were last looking for work, but I feel that there's greater need for multiskilled and mature employees and you have a lot to offer from the time of Academia.

Have you attempted to rewrite your CV yet?

I'm impressed you remember me when I have what must be the blandest nickname on Mumsnet. I keep meaning to change it to something more interesting, but there are advantages to being easily forgettable.

I do know how you're feeling. Sometimes I see articles about how hard it is to balance career and family and wonder how I ended up with so little of either. The difficulties of Having It All seem rather remote. (Disclaimer: DD is with her father for some quite large chunks this summer so I'm feeling unusually gloomy today. I miss her and worry about him trying to poison her against me. But that's another story).

And you know this already - Stay Off Facebook! There's nothing more guaranteed to make you feel that everyone is having a wonderful life except you. Especially your ex.

I'm trying to think of various positive things to say but they all sound a bit hollow. Sometimes life is shit. We just keep ploughing through in the vague hope that it might be a bit less shit down the line.

Nickname I'm sorry to hear of your DD not being with you. As you know, I really feel that pain. Last time he was here, ds1 wrote me lots of lovely notes and pictures, of love hearts (look more like blobs but the thought was there), 'superheroes' and little notes saying 'I love you mum', and I look at them every day.

Is your ex the mind-poisoning type? And how old is dd? I always get the feeling that kind of thing done in short doses would backfire horribly, especially with older children. She will come back glad to get away from his bitterness. And bitter parents are not good and kind ones on the whole (although H does seem to manage to be uberdad while erasing me from human existence :()

I have gone up to see my parents and feel better. At least 2 people love me and always will (and yes I know the kids do too- I just feel I have failed them...). My parents are very worried about my suicidal episodes and so am I. There comes a time of the month where in Morrissey's words, 'I can feel the soil closing over my head' :D (that motivational speaker job Nickname? It's mine all mine :D)

If you're ever near London with dd or otherwise please pm me. I'm far less miserable in person :D

I have written a new book proposal in a subject which isn't the one I am employed in. :D If I'm going to be unemployed no harm in using my alone time to explore something I'm interested in eh?

And please don't worry Avocado I am not giving up any money, I am paranoid about it as having no career left, no pension etc., and having to live in one of the most expensive areas of the country with long journey to both school and work hence high fuel and rent costs etc. It's shit that after 4 years I'm still in rented accommodation when I could have got a mortgage long ago- just because he won't settle with me. Mind you I love my house so I may get a BTL with anything I ever actually get out of him.

I was in Yorkshire this weekend with my parents. God's own country! I am fantasising about heading up there in 10 years or so (ds2 might be too young at 15... or maybe he might want to come with me by then... who knows it's just a dream). The lonely crowds in London get me down very much.

Thanks all for wonderful supportive messages. xx

oh and btw I deactivated facebook :) I am a bit concerned about losing contact with people because of it- but I guess heck anyone who actually likes me will make the effort to text at least?!

I am sooooo sick of all the Facebragging- about children, career, 'Just published my second book to great acclaim'...'10 glorious years with my wonderful other half and we are expecting our 3rd child'...'just organised splendid international conference'....blah blah :) and the rest of it is just timewasting crap and moaning about politics which let's face it I can do alone.

Ex's latest friend addition (we are not friends on there but I can see his page) was a woman posing semi-naked against a sunset, I think that was the thing that tipped me over the edge :)

Yorkshire is heaven, Facebook is hell, we have a meeting of minds!

Have sent you a pm.