how do i respond to this? i am so pissed off i'm not being rational.

[IAmBooyhoo]

i've posted numerous times before about EXp and how he constantly lets the dcs (and me tbh) down wrt not turning up for contact or turning up late or dropping them back late or giving vague times for when he will be here etc.

so yesterday evening he asked what the dcs were doing today. i told him we were going to the cinema and it would be over by 2pm so he said he would ring me at 2.15 to arrange collecting them. we got out of the cinema at 1.30 so went for lunch and got back home at 2.20pm. there was a text on my phone simply asking if we were home yet so i replied straight away saying yes we are at home now. (exp lives less than 10 minutes drive away) it got to 2.55pm and no reply or sign of him so i texted asking what time he would be here for the dcs. not that's it's relevant to him but my friend is coming over this evening and i was planning on having the 'dcs free' time to get the house cleaned as it really needs it before friend can come over. he didn't reply.

i texted again asking the same thing at 3.15pm he didn't reply so i phoned and he didn't answer but 2 minutes after i phoned he sent a text asking if dcs could stay over at his house. this is the first time and he has been making excuses as to why it couldn't happen so of course i said yes and again asked what time he would be in for the dcs. we packed their bags and dcs got all excited. exp didnt reply to the message even though i sent it straight after he had texted me so he was waiting on an answer and would have checked his phone.

by 3.45pm i was really annoyed that yet again i was sitting waiting for him to arrive before i could get on and do my stuff. it is always the same always me hanging about the house never knowing what time he will turn up and in teh past MNers have suggested i just not be in the house for the day so that he is kept waiting so at 3.45 i got the dcs into the car and we went to a local harbour to watch the boats. at 4pm he sent a message saying "i dont suppose you could leave the kids out?" well i ignored it. i know how childish that is but i never ignore his texts wrt to teh dcs i always respond and i make it so the dcs can go everytime he asks even if it has meant in the past cancelling arrangements we have made but this time i thought why the hell should i? he ignores me except when it suits him to respond. about 20 minutes later he rang and i ignored it.

he then sent another message saying he had no car available. it's a glorious day here, he lives directly on the bus route to where we live and he could get a taxi, or he could walk the 1 minute walk to his mum's and borrow hers which he usually does or he could ask a friend. what he meant is that there was no car directly outside his front door that he could access without any effort. well i ignored that message too. he sent another message about 20 minutes ago saying "why exactly is it you are doing this?" i haven't replied yet. i dont know what to reply. i'm still so furious. i can't get on with cleaning teh house while 2 year old is still here. i'm so sick of being so bloody available for him to just saunter in when he feels like being a dad. no -one transports my dcs to me, i go and get them.

i was tempted to reply "have a think about why i am doing this" but that's just silly isn't it?

what so i do to get my point across to him that he cant do this anymore? i cant cope with it. it isn't fair on me. and i know thsi is about the dcs but i am entitled to be able to make plans and expect to be able to keep them. so many times i have had to let my freinds down at the last minute because he hasn't turned up and it isn't fair he gets to arrange his children around whatever else he wants to do and i get to (hopefully) arrange what i wnat to do arround my children, which is how it should be when you are a parent. he picks them up like a magazine when he has nothing else to do.

i'm just so pissed off.

Booyhoo - I think you are getting your point across.

My XP acts like this and I've found the best thing to do is pin him down to a time when he will turn up. If he is more than 15 minutes late, I go out and take DD with me. He still messes me around from time to time but it's nothing like as bad as it used to be where he was turning up 1 or 2 hours late for no good reason.

ok so he called again and i answered. i asked him what time he would be in for the boys at he didn't answer and said "did you get my message" i told him yes i did and repeated what time would he be in for the boys at. he said "for fucks sake" and hung up. i texted him and said "i'm not waiting around here all day for you. teh boys will be here for another 20 minutes" he then called me and i ignored it so he left me a voicemail saying "will you stop being an immature fucking bitch and answer your phone" tbh i dont think he deserves to speak to me afetr talking to me like that. he has been ringing again and i am ignoring it. i wont be spoken to like that. who does he think he is. sorry i am so angry. i know this is immature i know it is but i cant let him do this to me anymore.

i have tried every single time to pin him down to a time. he usually gives me a half an hour time frame but is still always late. the thing that has stopped me going out with the dcs in teh past is that they know they are supposed to be going with him and i feel guilty for not letting that happen. tehy are too young to understand that daddy is teh cause they adore him as children do with tehir parents. especially teh one who isn;t there all teh time to do teh disciplining and normal stuff.

sorry my spelling and punctuation is appalling in that post.

You're doing the right thing. Give him a time window, if he misses it, go out. Write down a contact diary so you have a record of all the mucking about.

Basically, don't be available to be mucked about.

how difficult for you, I know the feeling. my exp was exactly like this, unfortunatly it came to a head when he was verbally abusive in my home in front of his then 10 yr old and our 1 yr old. I asked him to leave and he dumped dd on the floor and walked out he then spent the next 18 months out of our dds life telling every one I was refusing to let him see her. Anyway when he then requested contact with dd I demanded that we have a regular routine planned 5 weeks in advance and a 30 min no show, ment no show at all and he forfits his right then to see dd as i would take her out. He was not impressed but I stuck to my word, after a year I gradually re thought my flexability and eased of a little, however there was very little need as the message was heared loude and clear and he hasd never once been late 3 years down the line. I no longer negotate with him I make it clear what the expectations are and he either follows it or not. I am however very carefull not to tailor any of it my own needs and very clearly make all arrangements based on dd. It isd amazing how my assertiveness has improved our communication and I actually feel he is very much someone I and dd can rely upon. The key is being assertive and althogh I feel ignoring him gets your point across today and was very much appropriate, I would not do this regularly as it is playing games and only set to make your own life difficult. You must assert your self and ensure he agrees a regular recorded routine for the dcs sake.

I also went to mediation with exp and this was very very usefull and may be worth considering.

I know you are furious, and you have every right to be, but you are right, you are not being rational and this is not a great situation for the kids.

I would bite my lip right through and take them over there. They are excited, and it isn't their fault he is a wank sock. Don't interact with him at all when you are so angry.

Then when you have time to think, and calm down, maybe talk it over with your friend, you can come up with a plan of action. Write a polite but very very firm letter acknowledging/outlining the issues (without emotion or blame) and make it crystal clear that what the kids need is regular, consistent, dependable contact. You can ask him what he proposes in terms of an arrangement, suggest mediation, or direct his attention to a parenting plan (they are available online), but make it clear that the days of ad hoc arrangements are over. And stick to it.

And keep a copy of the letter.

for later.

ok the 20 minutes is up now. should i go out?

i agree it is very childish. i couldn't cope with this level of stress everytime. i need to make it clear to him but i'm too angry right now to talk and get a sensible arrangement made.

should i tell him tomorrow (i think i'll ring him then when i am calm) that i want to agree a definite plan for contact? he is in teh forces and so he doesn't see them regularly just when he has leave. and TBH when he does have leave he just turns up and asks to take them or will text and say he's coming in half an hour to take them so i cancel plans and wait about and he will turn up 2 hours later. what do i say to him?

just read your update. I would say to him or write to him just stating as we have now experienced a full break down in comunication any further contact will be need to be arranged through a third party. therefore I will be seeking advice from a mediator to aid our communication and make a regular agreement regarding the children. Go to CAB or contact relate and make arrangements for mediation. what area are you living as relate offer mediation in many areas but not all. The CAB or a good family law firm will have the contact details of your local mediation service.

This is how I managed the breakdown in communication, I had an hors consultation with a solicitor who was great, he adviced I write that letter stating breakdown in communication and he put me in touigh with mediator.

Good luck, I dont see how now he has been abusive you can actually talk to him without a third party.

How disrespectful to you

I think you need to tell him calmly and rationally that you need to know his plans a week in advance, to within a half hour time frame. Say that if he isn't there to pick them up, then you will feel free to take them out for as long as you like, and you won't be available to take his messages. Say that as it is now, you're spending a lot of time waiting around for him, as are your DC, and that it isn't fair. Say it all calmly, and if he responds angrily, walk away, and do it by letter.

I am on your behalf.

I would certainly not take them.

xposting with balia.

i have called my friend and cancelled this evening. i am just in such bad form now i dont want to be whingeing to her all evening about it and i know i would and bless her she would listen to the lot.

i'm not bringing them over there. if i started that now he would do it all the time and jsut say he couldn't get here when he can very easily. money isn't a problem for him and i have no probelm with my dcs going on teh bus or in a taxi with him. i think he needs to realise that it requires effort and putting yourself out a bit when you want a relationship with your dcs.

ds1 has asked when he is coming. i said that i told daddy that we were here and to come for them and that it's up to daddy now to be here.

we usually have dvd night's on saturday night and i have loads of sweets in so will will have a good evening if he doesn't come.

well done you!! I cant stress enough that this will just carry on without you asserting your self. x

if he had said last night that he couldn't come in til four or five or that he had no car i would have said no problem and brought them in to him but the fact that he left it all day, whilst ignoring my calls and messages and then swearing at me? no way will i be making parenting any easier for him than it already is. that's his problem. parenting is such a fucking doddle to him becase he never has to do any of it that suddenly when he has to lift a finger he cant cope and it's all my fault for expecting him to do something for himself.

He sounds like a total arsehat.

Does he pay child support?

The only way I deal with my ex is to only talk to him about the children and it's alway a "I'll drop the kids at work at 12" he replies with "I'll drop them back at 4" that is it.
I got so pissed off with him chopping and changing the days/times and I was forever yelling at him down the phone. I told him that either we stuck to a schedule for the sake of the kids or he didn't see them at all.

Sorry you're going through this.

yes he pays what the csa recommend. he was paying more and i know how lucky i am/was that i got that. he cut it by £50 in january as he and he is partner were buying a house and he said he would be having teh dcs every weekend anyway so i wouldn't need the money. they bought teh house at the start of april but so far he has been making excuses not to have them obernight.

his mum has just arrived for them. i should have expected that. always run to mummy. didn't bother to come with her though. he is an asshole.

I would not have let her take them, I would have said, sorry but was not expecting exp now so we have made plans bye bye!!

Boo are you me? My ex does this ALL the time and it infuriates me

As an example, he picked DD2 up last night to take her out with him, was picking DD1 up on the way home (she was at a friend's it was on his way) he was to be home at 9pm - ISH

Now, the ISH is the problem. Coz I don't consider 10.45 pm to be 9 pm-ISH

But I'm controlling by expecting him to be back when he says he will. And it's just not possible for him to guarantee to be back on time. I should be more flexible and be glad he has them.

Nothing useful to add except I feel for you xx

i wouldn't do that to the dcs. not when they had seen her standing at the door and knew why she was here. he often sends her to collect them when he is supposed to be having them (usualy when 12pm lunchtime happens to soon after a night out). it is kind of muddled in that she has a contact order for herself and her dh to see my eldest every other week from when exp fucked off to join the navy and she wanted contact. so teh dcs are used to her collecting them.

What a nightmare for you and the DC.

and depth calming breaths needed.

fuckarama that sounds exactly like exp. i will ask what time he will have dcs back at, he will say "i dont know. 5? 6? 7ish?" so a 2 hour time frame where i am supposed to hang about waiting for him after i have already spent the first half of teh day waiting for him to turn up and get them. i ask him to give me a definite time and he says "i will let you know" i tell him that i need to know now as i have plans. he will ask what my plans are so as I am then the one dictating to him. i tell him just to give me a time now and he will say "between half 6 and 7" and then he will turn up at half 8 and say he forgot what time we agreed. as if he couldn't pick up teh phone and ask me?

still so cross. going to make a cup of tea. i might ring friend and see if i can go over to hers. i cant face having her in here and dont want to get stuck into cleaning now. maybe have a long walk. do you think he does this on purpose so i am in bad mood for my 1st night off childcare in months and cant enjoy it? he used to sabotage any nights i had out when we were together if i wasn't going with him. things like work nights out and drinks with my female friends. he would set up an argument to happen just before i went out and i would end up either spending the night pissed off or just cancel and not go. why does he still have thsi control over how i feel?

i told the dcs that i would ring him tomorrow to see what time they would be coming back but i'm actually not going to chase him again for a time so he can mess about. i'm just going to let him get in touch with me.

{{hugs}} and

thank you.

people never change do they? why do i ever expect that he would? he will always be like this. i need to learn a way of dealing with him that prevents me from getting so annoyed all teh time.

I have no idea but if you find out will you tell me?

I was fuming last night absolutely fuming. It's not as if I thought he'd abducted them or anything like that, but it's so disrespectful to me and my life, as if I have nothing better to do than be at his beck and call.

And he makes it out as if I'm too uptight and controlling and need to "chillax"