how do i respond to this? i am so pissed off i'm not being rational.

[IAmBooyhoo]

i've posted numerous times before about EXp and how he constantly lets the dcs (and me tbh) down wrt not turning up for contact or turning up late or dropping them back late or giving vague times for when he will be here etc.

so yesterday evening he asked what the dcs were doing today. i told him we were going to the cinema and it would be over by 2pm so he said he would ring me at 2.15 to arrange collecting them. we got out of the cinema at 1.30 so went for lunch and got back home at 2.20pm. there was a text on my phone simply asking if we were home yet so i replied straight away saying yes we are at home now. (exp lives less than 10 minutes drive away) it got to 2.55pm and no reply or sign of him so i texted asking what time he would be here for the dcs. not that's it's relevant to him but my friend is coming over this evening and i was planning on having the 'dcs free' time to get the house cleaned as it really needs it before friend can come over. he didn't reply.

i texted again asking the same thing at 3.15pm he didn't reply so i phoned and he didn't answer but 2 minutes after i phoned he sent a text asking if dcs could stay over at his house. this is the first time and he has been making excuses as to why it couldn't happen so of course i said yes and again asked what time he would be in for the dcs. we packed their bags and dcs got all excited. exp didnt reply to the message even though i sent it straight after he had texted me so he was waiting on an answer and would have checked his phone.

by 3.45pm i was really annoyed that yet again i was sitting waiting for him to arrive before i could get on and do my stuff. it is always the same always me hanging about the house never knowing what time he will turn up and in teh past MNers have suggested i just not be in the house for the day so that he is kept waiting so at 3.45 i got the dcs into the car and we went to a local harbour to watch the boats. at 4pm he sent a message saying "i dont suppose you could leave the kids out?" well i ignored it. i know how childish that is but i never ignore his texts wrt to teh dcs i always respond and i make it so the dcs can go everytime he asks even if it has meant in the past cancelling arrangements we have made but this time i thought why the hell should i? he ignores me except when it suits him to respond. about 20 minutes later he rang and i ignored it.

he then sent another message saying he had no car available. it's a glorious day here, he lives directly on the bus route to where we live and he could get a taxi, or he could walk the 1 minute walk to his mum's and borrow hers which he usually does or he could ask a friend. what he meant is that there was no car directly outside his front door that he could access without any effort. well i ignored that message too. he sent another message about 20 minutes ago saying "why exactly is it you are doing this?" i haven't replied yet. i dont know what to reply. i'm still so furious. i can't get on with cleaning teh house while 2 year old is still here. i'm so sick of being so bloody available for him to just saunter in when he feels like being a dad. no -one transports my dcs to me, i go and get them.

i was tempted to reply "have a think about why i am doing this" but that's just silly isn't it?

what so i do to get my point across to him that he cant do this anymore? i cant cope with it. it isn't fair on me. and i know thsi is about the dcs but i am entitled to be able to make plans and expect to be able to keep them. so many times i have had to let my freinds down at the last minute because he hasn't turned up and it isn't fair he gets to arrange his children around whatever else he wants to do and i get to (hopefully) arrange what i wnat to do arround my children, which is how it should be when you are a parent. he picks them up like a magazine when he has nothing else to do.

i'm just so pissed off.

Just on your behalf.

I assume his mum is ok about being on time with pick up and drop offs?

I would be so tempted to not answer your phone tomorrow until after 5pm!

his mum is good with times. usually about 15 minutes late to pick up but at least i know she is only going to be that late and that she is coming and can arrange thinsg according to that.

he will more than likely get ds1 to ring me tomorrow so i will answer. he'll probably get his mum to leave them home aswell so as to avoid talking to me. he is such a child.

What do you think his mum thinks off his behaviour? Does she ever say anything or does she try and put your boys first and not realise that my enabling is crap behaviour she is making it worse?

"but it's so disrespectful to me and my life, as if I have nothing better to do than be at his beck and call."

that's it exactly. who on earth do they think they are. my friend who i was supposed to be seeing tonight has teh exact same problems with her ex. it is actually scary how alike the behaviours are of her ex and mine. i joked that they must have read the same book on how to be an asshole ex.

i dont even know if it enters EXp's head that i might have things to do. i really do think he cant see past the end of his own nose and he only does anything if it suits him. i mean doesn't he care that he told the dcs he would pick them up after the cinema? doesn't he realise that their brains are still active whilst he isn't there and that they start to wonder why he hasn't come? i dont think he sees them as real people at all. jsut possessions that he picks up an dpust down when he has nothing to do.

I have said to my ex that my time is no less valuable than his time. But he doesn't "get" it.

I've missed meals out, cinema with my friend, loads of things because he was supposed to be picking the kids up at say 5pm and didn't arrive til 7 or 8.

And it's always always MY fault for not being flexible.

And you're so right - there must be a course they do. All of them

she doesn't mention him to me and i dont mention him to her. we just dont discuss him. in the past when we first broke up she tried very hard to get me to take him back and she is quite blind to alot of his behaviour. he's very much her golden boy and could do no wrong. she has always excused or played down his behaviour. when i was pregnant with ds1 he threw a screwdriver at me through my car window and shattered teh glass over me. thankfully teh screwdriver missed. i was in shock and hysterics, just shaking with what had just happened and his mum said she should knock both our heads together for rowing! but then his dad is a very abusive man and she has had far worse beatings than that so i suppose she thought i should have been grateful EXP wasn't that bad.

Mine is the golden boy too.

"I have said to my ex that my time is no less valuable than his time. But he doesn't "get" it."

i have used the exact same line after hearing it on MN but yes he didn't get it, or chose not to. either way it made no difference. i really do believe he is just a selfish person. i know tehre are loads of unselfish people who can sometimes do selfish acts, i know i have done, but i truly believe he is a selfish person. he really does only think of things as how they affect him and never gives a thought for how someone else might feel. he may consider that his actions would make me angry but that would only make him think of how to avoid teh backlash while still doing his own thing. magnificent liar aswell i have found. tehy roll of his tongue. learnt that off his dad. i've seen his dad in action.

we should start a support group for the exps of golden boys!

I cannot understand why a parent would behave that way towards their children. As you say, the children know what time your ex said he'd be there, and know he's late - how can he not realise that this will make them feel hurt and let down? Do they need it spelling out in very short words?

I can't imagine doing this to my kids, no matter how much I hated dh.

me either SDTG. i was late once for picking my son up from summer scheme (traffic in town) and he was in tears when i got there. i think he will remember this stuff that his dad is doing unless exp miraculously sees sense and starts being on time and keeping his promises then i think teh dcs will start seeing that thsi is what he's like. i'm so annoyed for them. i was lucky to have two parents who both put me and dsis first. yes tehre were rows between my parents but they both made sure dsis and i were happy and secure in their love. i would love that for my dcs. to know that they could 100% percent expect to see their dad at 2pm and the thought never enter their heads that he wasn't coming. i always knew my dad would be there for me when he said he would. i took it for granted that all children had that security and now my own dont even have that.

My X is the same. I got angry with him asked him about it and after thinking about it he responded that he has mental health issues/blocks around getting anywhere on time.

Although at least he does the same to everyone else, including meetings for work counting down the days until he gets fired

But I really liked the idea of giving a reasonable time frame and then being out of the house. I have threatened that a few times and I think I am just going to do it now.

he had to think about it?

my exp does this to other people, lets them down. but what gets me is that he is in the forces. he is more than capable of being disciplined and being where he needs to be on time every single day at work. it's a consequences thing clearly. in work if he is late there are clearly defined consequences. but in civvy street he can let people down and all the can do is just not arrange things with him again. i dont have that luxurychoice and he knows it. and i can't impose consequences can i?

Well you can let him take you to court for fixed contact

Start keeping a diary of everything in case you need it. Stop using the phone use email only.

Don't tell the boys he's coming, arrange a time, tell him you will not be in if he is late and then do it.

I was going to suggest what others have. Give a slot. If he wants the boys over, try "we will be in the house between 1-2pm for you to collect them". At 2pm, head out. Even if it's just popping to the local park, just so you aren't in for a bit. As another pp said, keep a diary.

Also, would it not be better for everyone all round if there was a clear structure on days and times and stuff, so you all know that Friday nights are Dad's night and Saturday nights are Mum's night etc?

It may actually help if there's a 'neutral meeting place' for kiddie collection, rather than your house as he may think it's not putting you out as you are at home. If you are at, say, soft play 1-2, that's where you do the swap? Come 2pm, you pack up and leave and he's missed his time for pick up?

gnocci i would love so much to have an agreement liek you describe where for example friday was dads night and saturday was mum's night but at the minute his job doesn't allow that. i do think he could give me more notice of when he will be home and what dates and time he would like to have the dcs instead of me finding out he is home when he is standing at my door whilst i have jumped out of the shower to answer it .

i liek the idea of a neutral meeting place. i think it has become a habit where i haven't arranged to do things at the weekends because i know he could turn up wanting to see them and when i have arranged things in the past we have had to cancel. i think what i will do is tell him that i need 2 weeks' notice for contact and that is to include date and time of pick up and drop off. tbh i think he will laugh at that but i will put it to him and if he doesn't go with it then he takes the risk that we may not be available. if he does text out of the blue wanting to see the dcs at 2pm i will tell him where we will be at 2pm and that he can collect the dcs there. it will be a bit awkward if i want to arrange adult time with friends though as if he doesn't turn up then the dcs are stuck with me and i'm trying to have adult conversation with a friend. i'll try that anyway. i expect him to test me tbh but i will stick with it. i cant keep going like this.

It must be frustrating, the insecurity of it all, but he must know when his next batch of leave is? Even if he doesn't want to speak directly to you, am sure he must tell his Mum, who could in all fairness let you know.

You must feel drained, and tbh, the kids must be so confused as I'm sure they would like a bit more structure. The two weeks notice is great, and would at least put you on an alert as to him popping round.

Could you (and I obviously dont know your relationship with her) arrange formal contact with his mum? So, every Friday they go to hers, regardless, and that's where they will be if he is home? You get a guaranteed night, and he can see them there?

i'm pretty sure he knows roughly when his next leave is. he texted me at the end of march and told me that he would be home for all of may. that was when he asked me if he could have the dc over night. of course i said yes but i did say to him to give me notice of what days and he agreed and he actually jokingly said "nah i'm just going to turn up at your door" i was a bit flummoxed because that is what he actually does, but he clearly doesn't see it that way. i think because he knows himself in advance that he will be taking teh dcs that he forgets to let me know? i dont know.

but yes i do believe he knows in advance when he is going to have leave. it's getting him to tell me that will be tricky but i am going to stick with teh two weeks notice thing. i can just picture him laughing about that now and telling his mum "she wants two week's notice, who does she think she is?" but that's what i'll tell him.

i wouldn't be happy with the dcs staying over at his mums. the contact order was necessary as their was a violent incident when my ds1 used to there as a baby and i stopped contact. EXP's dad drinks alot in the evenings and i've seen him be abusive to his own children and wife. he was even abusive to me when i used to stay there so i wouldn't be happy with the dcs being there at night. he is avery scary man when drunk.

Ah, fair play. Yes, try the two weeks thing, see how that goes.

heading over to see my friend now. doing my own head in sitting here by myself. thanks for all the support lovely MNers. it really helps.

Have a good night