Ex moving abroad soon - son doesn't want to see him anymore at all

[Bluepenny]

Hi everyone

I'd appreciate any opinions and thoughts on how it would be best to handle the above situation.

DS is nearly 12. His father and I have been split for many years, we've joint parented, kept things friendly and all has been quite stable - up until now!

Ex announced he is moving 12 hrs flight time away about a month ago. Since then son has still seen him regularly, but after each visit he goes through a combination of anger and upset. He tells me he feels abandoned by his father (wrongly or rightly blaming it on another woman his father has just met out there) and has said he doesn't want to see him anymore - even though he's not left the UK yet and is due to see him soon.

How do I play this? Force him to see his Dad, as there won't be many opportunities to do so before he emigrates, or do I try and explain to his Dad how he feels and side with DS?

It hasn't helped that his father has blogged to the world much more detail than he has told DS or I...unfortunately DS has taken it from it that his Dad doesn't love him or care about him very much.

Thoughts much appreciated - am very much in two minds on this one.

this is a tricky one, especially given your DS's age. My DS's dad moved to the other side of the world, when they were a bit younger than yours,(same situation,met a woman while on hols there) however he did not tell them or me until about 3 weeks before going, so there was very little time for the DS's to get upset, although quite rightly they were heartbroken.

I don't think forcing him to see his dad will help, maybe you could try explaining that he may regret not seeing his dad before he emigrates but if I were you I would just be there for your son,respect his (your DS's)wishes and also try and arrange skype etc once he is gone. Its very hard being the parent that has to deal with the emotional outfall of a situation like this. Both my DS's were upset and angry and of course I bore the brunt of it as I am the parent that is around.

it sounds like your XP is very thoughtless and has not considered the impact on his son of this move. you could try talking to him if you have a good relationship with him, but don;t hold your breath. My X refused to believe that moving all that way would affect the boys and in fact told them it was a good thing, cant remember his 'reasoning' on that, he also told them he was going as I was 'taking all his money (£15 a week)and making it hard for him to see the boys' (used to deliver the boys to him every fortnight )which was total BS, but added to the boys confusion.

So sorry for your ds:(

Agree Skype fab for some sort of contact but not the real thing a boy craves! Ex should have regular time slots in week to Skype ds and send emails too. This is so ds knows he has some 'father and ds' time.

Will df come over for long holidays to visit? Or will ds go their? Maybe something you should discuss? Df would need to fund that.

I suggest your ds writes a long letter to df to let out all his emotional upset, fear, anger, and lose to his df. He then can choose if df recieves it before going/after/or burn it ....it may help putting it in writing!?

My ex left to go abroad before ds was born so less impact...but ds still hurt when he sees dads picking their dc up from school etc

One other thing nothing to do with ds but you need to check re PR status...could ds go their for holiday and df refuse to send ds back etc...can you ask PR status be removed...as will you need his signiture ? for lots of things?

Thanks both for your resplies, experiences and thoughts - it is much appreciated.

I think added to the emigration, is his father blogs one thing and says another to us, which is hurting DS more as he is being lied to. I would like to say it's to protect DS's feelings, but I'm not sure that is the case.

They do skype already and unfortunately today, his father has denied his visa has been issued to DS - when he's already blogged (and DS told me this!) that he was granted it late last week. DS did say to him that he wasn't sure about seeing him next weekend and his father probed this - asking if I knew about this and what had I said. DS responded that I've said to do what he feels is best for him. His father said goodbye very soon after, saying it was midnight and he had to get to bed. So in the event, DS has kind of dealt with it himself, but is now worried his father will have a go at him for it. This is bringing out stuff that I wasn't aware of - what goes on at the weekends he is with is father. Hmmm.

I agree on the thoughtlessness of the impact - again he has blogged that he'd spoken to me about the move and that I didn't think it would impact DS very much!! Total lies - I was very clear about this most likely being the most difficult period of his life for him to go - puberty has started, SATS next week and a change of school in September - all at a time when the bond between them had got to what I thought was a good stage (past the wanting us to be back together etc).

I think they will keep up email and Skype contact (tricky with the time difference for the latter, but not impossible) - they use this already as his father often works away during the week.

His father doesn't have PR - son was born in 2000 and we had never married, so it wasn't automatically given to fathers then and I resisted it on the grounds of some key differences. As for visiting him, I have a number of reservations including travelling alone for that distance and the accommodation housing a large number of father's new girlfriends family in a small apartment. It is not ideal. I don't know if his father will return to the UK much, if at all - he has burnt bridges with much of his own family. The only good news is that DS will be able to see more of his other grandparents - his father liked to control that area - but I will be able to have direct contact to organise that.

I am breathing a little sigh of relief and am proud DS felt he could say something direct to his father about things. It's like an old head on young shoulders - he was quite diplomatic yet honest.

Feel free to add anymore thoughts etc. It's really helping me to share and apologies for the mammoth post!

Meant to say - I like the idea of a letter very much - I will suggest that to DS - he'll probably want to do it on the computer, but that is fine. I think it is a good way of letting out the feelings and re-reading will help him decide if he wishes to send it or discard it.

Thanks for that.

An update to this and need advice:

XP hasn't spoken to me or DS since DS told him he wasn't sure about seeing his this weekend (DS has confirmed he doesn't to me..I've yet to pass the news on to XP).

However, what XP has done is written yet another public blog quite specific to DS and his father moving to HK in which he seems to be trying to put the ball in my court with regard to how DS would feel about his father moving abroad at the outset, saying if I'd have said it would harm him, he would seriously re-think going!

I'm really cross about this as I in no uncertain terms laid down that this was the worse time for him to consider moving abroad (see previous posts)- IMO he is now trying to shun responsibility for his actions and certainly manipulating his audience (not that I care about the latter and both are traits he showed in abundance in our relationship and as DS's father).

I've got to speak to XP about the weekend and I know all this stuff is going to come up. How do I respond? Re-iterate my original position or just let it go over my head (bearing in mind he is engaged to someone from HK and planned to marry her to get a Visa if he didn't get a work one...go figure!).

What a knob!

Why on earth is he blogging his pad parenting to the world, and now trying to shift the blame on you.
I feel for your son, but I think you will get him through it as you come across as a fantastic mum,

Just look forward to his blog that tells how he has been fleeced by his girlfriends extended family and is heading home with his tail between his legs

Anchovy - that last line made me laugh! He's worked his way through UK woman...HK/China don't know what is going to hit them...of course, big families over there don't take kindly to their female siblings being shat on...so I reckon a couple of years and 3 women to go through before he returns LOL.

Thank you so much for the boost - I try to be the best mum I can and do what I think is right, but this has raised the blood pressure somewhat!

XP actually describes himself on his blog intro as pretentious and describes how he has manipulated many, doesn't get on with family etc...(he started it 2 years ago and I only found out about it accidentally 2 weeks ago!).

He has certainly manipulated many facts in this particular blog - too many to mention here infact - I suspect it's his way to gather sympathy and support and to make him feel better about leaving the UK and DS (not that he has made ref to DS in a loving way anywhere...it's all "humourous" stuff that DS would be mortified is in the public domain if he knew (he doesn't). Stupid, stupid man.

But when XP and I speak, I know he'll take the angle I described above. In a way, he is alienating his own child and may only find out too late. I don't think XP looks beyond himself at anything and therefore doesn't realise that kids make their own judgements. XP saying he loves DS but is moving abroad, astute DS's reply to me (but not to his father) "Actions speak louder than words, what father abandons his son for an OW that won't last again. I feel sorry for her!"

My mantra is "I will not react, this will not get to me"...

Ignore ignore ignore....

Clearly he knows he is a sit and is trying to "write" himself anew.

Look here is how it goes...I am Anchovy, I am 5 feet 10, I am a size 8 and I drive an Aston Martin.....

5"7 size 18 drive a polo

Bingo! Thank you for spelling it out - I totally get it now

:)

This has all taken a turn for the worse. :(

I emailed XP, he phoned, didn't believe son didn't want to see him/speak to him. Argument ensued (the first in 12 years), I put the phone down on him.

Ultimately, he then blogs about it and asks his audience if he is selfish to move abroad, says he's not allowed to contact DS and apparently I'm twisting everything he says. Guess what? Apparently I'm the selfish one and I'm projecting my view onto DS comes a reader's reply, another then goes into agreement.

My question now, is given DS and I know about the blog , do I have a case for getting any of it removed legally? He's written alot of stuff that also drops him in it a bit as far as being a stable parent - severe depression and how he's collected DS from me and then dropped him elsewhere for the weekend unbeknown to me, plus another long one and many shorter ones detailing his failed relationships both in the past and as they have happened in the last 2 years. He's written stuff about me and alot about DS - but we're not identified by name.

I am wondering if any of this can be used legally to stop DS from going abroad to stay with XP?

Everything XP and I have done has been by mutual agreement - maintenance, contact, holidays, etc. But I think the time has come when something more concrete needs to be considered and it's all new territory.

Thoughts, ideas, anything appreciated!

I suggest you print everything off and keep it. You could see solicitor for free half hour. If this man is identified ie name and picture on FB then it has clear link to who ds is. If he has written he has had sole care of ds and left ds with someone else without your knowledge this is evidence of your worry for ds safety when with df.
I don't think you can do anything about him saying about you but his ds care I would think there is!

I used my ex blogs that he would inform everyone he pays above and beyond in maint to ds and his psycho ex (me) and boosts about earning 100K. I had not had a penny!
I have recently put it in for evidence as the man is due in court for many yrs of maint he has never paid. I am still awaiting outcome so time will tell if this evidence actually helps...

I know of one case on FB where someone was fined for being slanderous about someone else.

The man is trying to sooth his ego as he knows he is a selfish twunt...and such an attention seeker...again evidence to his level of maturity....preteen basically!

Don't get upset about the blog, just think of it as evidence of the type of parent you have here. I would not go on line and let him know what a twurp he is...I did this in early days as ex accussed me of having affair and ds not his.....I went mad in reply and ds 6 wks old so hormones all over place, this stopped ex from publically writing loads of tosh...this is evidence and I would allow him to continue and collect the evidence!

well is up to him to decide who he leaves ds in care of when he is repsonsible. same for ou.

just ignore what he says - if h goes away and doesnt see ds is his choice.

your job is to support ds and say yes is sad but there you go. other people are here for you.

I would second printing it all off for evidence, in case it should it be needed. It seems like he's living in some kind of fantasy world. I think some non-resident parents do this to try and convince themselves (and others) that they are not the ones in the wrong, that they are trying their best but being thwarted by the 'evil' resident parent etc. I'm sure my ex has slated me in the past 6 years but hey ho. I know the truth and that's what matters.

I'd be so tempted to reply with bullet points under his blog posts, refuting all his claims in a calm manner. Yes, he can delete blog posts but if you subscribe to his blog then read each post and respond to it, he won't delete them all as he'd have no blog! So his loyal readers (who are probably other blokes who also like to make excuses for being shit parents) will be able to see your version of events. If you don't want to do this, let me know the blog link and I'll post on there (as a completely random reader, of course ).

Printing it and taking it with me to a free legal appointment sounds a good idea. I do worry about him applying for parental responsibility before he leaves for abroad - without it, I don't think he has a leg to stand on for son going over there unless accompanied by me (according to gov.uk website).

There's stuff in his blog about how he's manipulated others and emotional abuse of DS is something the GP/Child Psychologist will be looking at/for.

I have been very tempted to reply to his blogs, but I have restrained myself, laughed at key facts he's missed out (that would balance or even bias the reader the other way!) and aside from his drivel I'm gaining some useful information!

He is living in fantasy land and moving abroad isn't going to change that - just he'll notch up more women that fall foul of his charm and then watch him turn when he is disagreed with/stood up to. Its a pattern. Even his parents aren't supporting/siding with him, but then they will want to continue seeing their only grandchild - my DS.

I wasn't aware I didn't need to know where DS is/who he is with, when not with me, so I'll step away from that one.

Yes, I agree it's my role to support DS, but in doing so it's winding up XP and creating all this addition friction.

Ah, role on his emigration!

hmm let him apply for pr

"dear judge
i would like pr for my son because i am planning to abandon him and move to the other side of the world so I really want to be invovled in day to day decisions about my son inclding education, religion and medical. i will of course do this via skype text and email. "

yeh
makes sense .
not.

:o

Ticks PR concerns off list

Blue, I'd mention the PR thing first to solicitor

Is it a blog that you can post comments to? If so, if you decided to share the web address with us, i'm sure MNers would read it carefully and post some carefully thought out & unbiased thoughts.

I suspect that some comments of that kind might make him take down the blog quicker than court action.

Just sayin'

PR is still on my radar, plus I need to find out with XP going abroad what the paternal grandparents options might be too. XP has always controlled contact in this area and has stopped them contacting me direct and vice versa - I get on well with them, they are lovely people (as are his Aunt & Uncle) and I don't want to fall out with them or lose contact for my or DS's sake.

The blog does allow comments to be posted, but I will check if it's by his followers on his social media page only, as its just them that have done so and the link is from there. Might be coincidence though. I also don't want to raise his suspicions if lots of random comments start to appear. I have to decide whether the useful information I'm getting from that (and his social media page) outweighs him stopping or removing blogs. And I need to print them - job for the weekend!

There has now been an email from XP to son - very apologetic and acknowledging the areas DS brought up via myself and I passed on. DS has replied with how he feels - XP has acknowledged reply with a promise to send a more considered reply at the weekend. I think it might have landed.

It's so tiring having this kind of hassle isn't it? It reminds me how lucky I've been up until now for things to be amicable and how much I feel for those who have to put with much, much more - that takes a strength I aspire to.

Is it an anonymous blog?

Hi - yes it is anonymous. Unless using real surname (no first name) and birthday numbers makes it less so. He's also met some of his followers and there are people following that do know me and DS through my relationship with him.

As an ex, I am referred to by initial but I don't think I'm linked to being DS's Mum.

Has he ever wanted more contact?

Has he ever been offered more contact?

He does seem a peripheral figure

He has never wanted or asked for more contact and I have also offered it. He chose to live 50 miles away and used that originally as a reason he couldn't see DS during the week. Now work takes him away mostly and during the week so it's not been practical.

I organise and chase him to have DS during school hols - the impression he gives sometimes is that he's not that bothered, but last year that changed and their relationship became much closer.

read blog -- er what a twat!

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