Why can't single men understand when a single parent says they are EXTREMELY SHORT OF MONEY??

[equinox]

Hello all you fine ladies

I have been attempting to date for the past 2 years as I could not face the thought until my boy was in school. It has been nothing short of a minefield!

The last boyfriend only lasted two months as he was incredibly tight with his cash whereas I am not a golddigger I do not expect to pay half for everything when I am looking after a 7 year old boy alone without family help and I have been struggling to earn a living. He knew I had a fair amount of debt and that I had had to sell my remaining jewellery to pay for the gas electric and water rates bills. This was back in October.

Surely this implies the person is in a crisis right, if they have to sell any jewellery so that they can cover essentials??

The current boyfriend has also not grasped how much strain I am under and was due to send me £40 for petrol monies to drive down from the midlands to London where he lives. He has presumably forgotten to send this despite a few reminders and although he paid on the last occasion back in February (I only go down when my son is on a half term or holiday break with his Dad) he hasn't coughed up this time. I know he does get absent minded but it is very wearing.

Why can't he try and clock on to the fact that I am living on very limited means as my business has not been earning much at all in the recent months and he is aware I have debt and no parents or siblings on the planet so that he does not even receive any gifts and the ex's family never buy him anything either. Whereas my ex does pay some maintenance this all gets swallowed up in trying to run the car.....

I am therefore unable to go and visit him and although I have gone off the idea to see him for now anyway I am coming to the firm conclusion that no single man will ever understand how it is raising a child alone without two incomes and family help in addition??

Any thoughts everyone? Thank you in anticipation!

I'm really shocked by some of the replies on here as I thought your post was quite reasonable and shows the reality of being broke. To be called a gold digger is pretty harsh and the I suffered so you must suffer/go without is not constructive.

Relationships cost money to conduct even if its just a bus fare and you don't have any. You also have children and they must come first, and debts which must come down not up. It would be irresponsible if you always paid half by putting it on a credit card and pity soup if you just decided that couldn't afford to date as one person suggested.

I would just make it clear that your broke, your children come first and its up to them if they want you to travel or to go out while suggesting a free/cheaper alternative. It might not be principled but its reality

I dated a single guy and he just didn't get it - ie his idea of a relationship was one where you went out when you felt like it and this wasn't going to happen due to childcare and finances. I felt permanently uncomfortable esp times of th month where I had no money - but would have been pefectly willing to treat him when I had been paid.

If the guy expects you to go to him I don't see any problem with him paying towards your petrol costs. If it was the right person then it wouldn't be an issue imo. You would have an honest dialogue about financial situation and then find a way to work round it. Nothing to do with being a golddigger.

I've no truck with people who are looking for a meal ticket and target men for this purpose but a little bit of him paying when you're skint and then you reciprocate is not a problem imo.

And it's easy to be principled and say you always pay your way when you have money but when there are times you don't it's not always so easy.

I would say the mark of a decent relationship is when you can both support the other and find a way of overcoming any financial embarassment.

I am a "lone parent" but at present am not single if that makes sense. It has been a long slog to get to this point thought as for many months/years I could not afford to date. I didn't expect a guy to pay for me, if they offered then fine and I would maybe pay the next time but if I couldn't then I couldn't. Eventually I met a guy who lives in the same town which was way way easier. Even now though we have times when we just cannot afford to go out, and if we do go out it is usually a lunch time as a) it is far cheaper and b) DD is at school so I don't have to pay for a sitter. DP is more than willing to fit in with what I can afford and will sometimes pay, I am so used to being independant though so I don't let him very often

I am a "lone parent" but at present am not single if that makes sense. It has been a long slog to get to this point thought as for many months/years I could not afford to date. I didn't expect a guy to pay for me, if they offered then fine and I would maybe pay the next time but if I couldn't then I couldn't. Eventually I met a guy who lives in the same town which was way way easier. Even now though we have times when we just cannot afford to go out, and if we do go out it is usually a lunch time as a) it is far cheaper and b) DD is at school so I don't have to pay for a sitter. DP is more than willing to fit in with what I can afford and will sometimes pay, I am so used to being independant though so I don't let him very often

Ok, I have lurked so far, but many posts are being a bit harsh towards the OP IMHO. It seems the OP is travelling to see her DP. No mention of him visiting her, but he may be. So if she is doing ALL the travelling, nothing wrong with him paying half the petrol, this would be fair, surely? Or am I missing something here?

I can't afford to date so I don't date. Nobody owes me a night out. I have let some more affluent women friends go on their merry way for a while now too, as I can't afford the social life they have. (Just to be even handed here).

When things pick up I'll be back at it, but I think even from the pov of having a mutually respectful relationship, it's better to be able to pay your way.

I think that's a fair point Parsley, but at the same time, why would you agree to date someone who lived so far away that you needed to pay to go see him, or agree to do all the travelling, or where getting to actually see each other involved such complication.

He's not her partner. He's someone she's had a few dates with. That's the point. Her choice of language "hasnt coughed up this time" for example hints at an appalling attitude.

OP you simply can't afford long distance relationships. Find someone local.

I always had the rule that I went out when I could afford it, and we paid 50/50, but if he insisted on going out when I clearly stated I couldn't afford it, that it was up to him to pay for it.

I would never have expected him to pay for anything, that's not really fair in my opinion, since it is my job as a single mum to be responsible for myself.

However, I did expect help when he was spending regular weekends with me, simply because my expenditure on food, gas and electric went up. Not to start with, but with time when it became a week here and there, and weekends every week. Never more than his fair share. In fact had he moved in, I had already looked at splitting the bills into three - me, the children and him - thus would pay two thirds and him a third, as I believed that was fairest.

I am a single parent with 2 full time children (incuding one who has AD so costs a bomb in damages - over £20,000 in the last 3 years) and I have never had a penny towards the children either from my ex in 3.5 years but I would not expect the person I went out with to pay for everything or even my half. I would still expect to pay my way even if the person I was with was rich and I was on the dole. I chat to them and would expect them to understand and do things we both could do (and like someone said they would need to live close if I couldn't afford the travel costs) or find somebody else. I also would not go out with somebody who just expected me to pay for most things regardless of the money I earned.

I provide all the at home stuff as my boyfriend usually comes here due to me having the child and him being able to travel easily. Occasionally he'll pick up shopping if we go out for something specific to make a meal or whatever.

I only pay for about 1/4 (an estimate, neither of us count it all up) of out of the house stuff. Because otherwise I'd say we have to stay in and cook or just go for a walk or something free. Which we often do but if he wants to go places and wants me to go with him he just has to pay - I simply can't afford to. Well, he doesn't HAVE to pay - but the choice is that or I stay home and he goes to things with a friend or alone so often he chooses to. There isn't an expectation of that from me though - when he was between jobs and on JSA for a short time we did spilt things far more evenly and did much cheaper stuff!

I think this must be a joke!

I've got to say this thread has been the most fascinating insight into different attitudes towards dating and relationships. One of the most interesting has been a reluctance to inflict the hardships of your life onto the person your dating, even considering it unfair or bad for him to affected by it as its not his fault, although this changes once your partners.

I find this interesting as when your dating you are in effect giving sex for free but when your partners your giving sex in return for commitment and partnership etc. Yet it is the low commitment dating man who deserves to not be affected by the problems of the person he's enjoying.

I have only ead OP - but this has to be a wind up, right? Or a reverse OP from a man who is in the reverse situation?

Will now read thread.

Now I've read the thread I feel abit bad about the bashing OP has got. i think it is the wording that has got peoples backs up rather than the situation.. "coughed up" and "he paid"

I do agree that there probably aren't any single man (without children ofcourse!) who understand what OP's life is like. OP - could you try for men with children? Maybe they'll be more supportive?

I think that it is a horrible situation to be in where you have had to repeatedly ask and remind him for this money and this should not be the case. I think personally that you should take a step back from dating and getyour finances in order. You have one seven year old who I assume is at school? You must also get CB and maintenance. Could you get (I know it's not as easy as "get" these days) a 16-20 hour a week job that would work around you doing the work you do for your own business and enable you to earn CTC/WTC too?

If you can I would also get rid of the car. The maintenance money s for maintenace of your child, it seems weird to me to think of it as running the car - unless maybe you only use it for school runs?

Once your head is in a better place and you are financially sorted you could then focus on dating, and will robably come across as far more together. The types of men that you attract will then be stronger also - and maybe they'll be more likely to be the ones making the trip to you if they want to see you, rather than you having to make the trip.

Stuff not dating because you're skint! It DOES take some looking, but there ARE blokes out there who DO understand, OP. If your current one doesn't - then he's not the right one for you.

It took me a year, but my new bloke understands that, as a single mum to 4 children, I am both financially poor AND time poor. He gets that I can't go out for a 'traditional' date hardly ever, due to childcare constraints - we go out for a lunchtime drink (one) at the local pub once a week, as that's the only time I can get a friend to look after my toddler. Now we've been seeing each other for a while, he will come to my house, at night, after the dc are in bed.

We are trying to arrange a proper 'date', but he gets that it will have to fit in around when I have both childcare AND money at the same time - which is no mean feat. But we have a good time at home, with a dvd and a glass of wine.

He doesn't expect me to travel to him, as he lives too far out of town if you don't have a car, but equally, if we were to get a takeaway, I would give him as much as he would accept - and if I didn't have enough to do so, I would offer to cook him dinner. As I am doing on Friday coming, and he's quite looking forward to a home-cooked lasagne!

I would hazard a guess that rather than being a 'gold-digger', your current bloke is just not the right man for you. Let him go and keep looking is my advice - the right man is out there somewhere, but it may take you kissing a fair few frogs before you find him.

Maybe that's the difference? My new bloke DOES have a child?

I stay single as I'm too embarassed to say I'm skint.