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Original poster

Why can't single men understand when a single parent says they are EXTREMELY SHORT OF MONEY??

69 replies

equinox · 31/03/2012 12:57

Hello all you fine ladies

I have been attempting to date for the past 2 years as I could not face the thought until my boy was in school. It has been nothing short of a minefield!

The last boyfriend only lasted two months as he was incredibly tight with his cash whereas I am not a golddigger I do not expect to pay half for everything when I am looking after a 7 year old boy alone without family help and I have been struggling to earn a living. He knew I had a fair amount of debt and that I had had to sell my remaining jewellery to pay for the gas electric and water rates bills. This was back in October.

Surely this implies the person is in a crisis right, if they have to sell any jewellery so that they can cover essentials??

The current boyfriend has also not grasped how much strain I am under and was due to send me £40 for petrol monies to drive down from the midlands to London where he lives. He has presumably forgotten to send this despite a few reminders and although he paid on the last occasion back in February (I only go down when my son is on a half term or holiday break with his Dad) he hasn't coughed up this time. I know he does get absent minded but it is very wearing.

Why can't he try and clock on to the fact that I am living on very limited means as my business has not been earning much at all in the recent months and he is aware I have debt and no parents or siblings on the planet so that he does not even receive any gifts and the ex's family never buy him anything either. Whereas my ex does pay some maintenance this all gets swallowed up in trying to run the car.....

I am therefore unable to go and visit him and although I have gone off the idea to see him for now anyway I am coming to the firm conclusion that no single man will ever understand how it is raising a child alone without two incomes and family help in addition??

Any thoughts everyone? Thank you in anticipation!

OP posts:
QOD · 31/03/2012 13:05

Get someone local? Have cheaper dates?
Bit,old fashioned expecting the bloke to pay and if you're seeing him so infrequently, he's not really a relationship and maybe hinting he doesn't see why he should pay?

I dunno, not dated for nearly 3 decades

ginmakesitallok · 31/03/2012 13:09

So is part of the deal of being your boyfriend that they help you out financially??

corlan · 31/03/2012 13:27

I think most people have no idea what it's like to raise a child on your own but you can't go into a relationship expecting the guy to subsidise you.

Happylander · 31/03/2012 13:51

I would never expect to do anything less than go half's on dates. Boyfriends are not cash machines especially ones that have not been with you long enough. I think you are being unreasonable to expect them to give you money and it does make you a gold digger. Having been on the receiving end of someone who expected me to pay for nearly everything I would never do it again it breeds resentment. Your financial situation is nothing to do with your boyfriend and nor are your debts. I amazed they have lasted this long!

lisaro · 31/03/2012 13:54

I can't imagine many men, single or otherwise would want to be with a scrounger. If you can't afford to pay your way then don't do it. There's a name for women that can be bought.

MrsMcEnroe · 31/03/2012 13:58

You're probably right OP - most single men wouldn't have a clue about the financial and emotional responsibility involved in being a parent.

However - you do sound like a gold digger. Your financial problems have nothing to do with your boyfriend (unless he becomes your partner at some point in the future). What did you say when you first got together? - "yes I'd love to be your girlfriend but I can't afford to pay for anything so please can you put your hand in your wallet every time we go out?" What was his response?

mermaidbutmytailfelloff · 31/03/2012 13:58

ouch

MyNameIsntFUCKINGWarren · 31/03/2012 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustHecate · 31/03/2012 14:09

I think that it's not some bloke you're hooking up with's job to pay for you. Regardless your financial situation.

If you can't afford to go and see them - tell them. And say they can come up to you, or just agree it's not going to work because of the distance.

If you can't afford to go out - don't go out.

But it is not. repeat NOT. the job of some bloke to make up any shortfall in your finances and to basically pay for the privilege of being in your life.

You say you're not a golddigger, but what are you? You expect a man to pay your share or at least a part of it. That implies a belief that you are entitled to a portion of his money, or that paying for you is what is required in order to date you. How is that really any different? OK, you may not be targetting men for their money, but the underlying belief is the same - man must pay. Pay to play. so to speak.

I am really really sorry you are struggling. It is shit. And perhaps it's time to take a fresh look at your finances and your business, if it's not keeping you both, is it viable?

Original poster
equinox · 31/03/2012 14:16

Ouch what a unanimous opinion I did not realise I was coming across as that.

OP posts:
JustHecate · 31/03/2012 14:23

Yes, you are, sadly. And perhaps that's how you are coming across to these men too, and maybe that's why you're finding it hard to sustain a relationship? Nobody likes feeling like a cash cow.

You're not a bad person. You're a good person in a bad situation. You've got a child you're trying to take care of, money is tight, you're worried. But wanting to be bankrolled is not the answer.

HappyMummyOfOne · 31/03/2012 17:47

"he hasn't coughed up this time" - words fail me.

You should be paying your share, if you cant afford to go out then do free things. Its not down to your dates to pay for everything as your budget is tight. Lots of people have to budget whether they are a parent or not.

If you cant survive on your wage, maintainance, CB and poss CTC then maybe take a second job or top up with some self employment rather than expecting others to make up the shortfall so that you can continue with your social life.

wednesdaysschild · 31/03/2012 19:18

I'm hard up at the moment and getting rid of my car? Is that an option for you?

Lots of people find it hard to make ends meet, and few people would deny that bringing up children is hard work especially as a lone parent with no support network, but fgs don't expect a boyfriend to bail you out, just enjoy it if/when he treats you.

FeelingOld · 31/03/2012 19:30

I would never go on a date without wanting to pay my fair share... i have been seeing someone now for about a year and he is substancially better off than me but would still not expect him to pay. He sometimes takes me out somewhere nice for a meal but i would then treat him to a nice steak and a bottle of wine at my house (with my budget not being quite as big as his) or to a takeaway.
It is hard being a lone parent but i have too much self respect to let a man pay for me, i work full time too.

hairytaleofnewyork · 31/03/2012 19:39

Good grief! You are a gold-digger. You expect others to pay your way? Ridiculous!

hathorinareddress · 31/03/2012 19:44

I would never ever expect any man to subsidise me. If I can't afford it it doesn't happen.

I see it as a point of principle to pay my fair share (ie half) and if that means we sit in and I cook instead of out to a restaurant then so be it.

ImperialBlether · 31/03/2012 20:00

Although I think the OP doesn't come over that well, I think she's right in that people who are single or in a relationship where both partners are working often don't realise that broke is really broke.

ToothbrushThief · 31/03/2012 20:05

I am dating a man who's available cash is far greater than mine. I'm a lone parent with zilch support from poor excuse for a man/father exH. I hate accepting anything and want to do things that we can afford on my budget.

There is a bit of pressure because he wants to do other stuff and tbh I let him treat me on those occasions when he wants something and I cannot afford it...but generally the rule is we go 50/50 regardless of the reasons I'm poor. It's not his fault.

DowagersHump · 31/03/2012 20:11

I agree that some people don't realise what broke really is. Not being able to afford to turn your lights on or not being able to afford to feed you and your child properly is what really broke is about.

I've been there and it's not fun. However, as a single parent, that's my problem, not any man I choose to date.

And if you're really broke, get rid of the car. Cars cost about a grand a year just to keep on the street

FantasticDay · 31/03/2012 20:25

I think you have to explain your circs but can't really expect someone else to subsidise you. Could you suggest free - or at least cheaper - dates? Country walks, visits to museums and art galleries, meals at home, salsa class, bike ride (if you are sporty)?

hatesponge · 31/03/2012 20:29

Is this a wind up?!

Assuming it's serious, plenty of us have been there. When DS1 was a baby, our weekly food budget was £10 a week. I couldn't afford to heat my house so DS and I spent most of that winter in my bedroom with a small electric heater for warmth. And at no time did I consider it to be anyone else's problem or expect anyone to help me out.

I have no family and no siblings, and I receive no money from either of my DS's fathers. My financial position is much better now, but that's only due to hard work on my part.

I agree with those who have suggested getting rid of the car, it's a huge expense and unless you live in a very rural area, you will almost certainly be able to manage without one. Also if you're self employed but your business is not making money you need to look at other sources of income, like paid work while your DS is at school, you can still work on your business in evenings/at weekends.

susiedaisy · 31/03/2012 20:34

You don't come across well op

ethelb · 31/03/2012 20:35

I think you are having a rough time tbh.

I had a thread here recently where I said DP didn't earn very much so I pay more for my commute than he does etc and that I am saving up for future maternity leave and he isn't as he doesn't ahve any money left over after paying into pension.

I was told to leave the bastard as he obviously didn't earn enough money to allow me to have long maternity leave and that feminism doesn't mean being able to support yourself and your partner.

I think your boyfriend should be more sympathetic and if it is a relationship a little flexibility in the rules never hurt anyone and is healthy imo.

MollieO · 31/03/2012 20:35

If you can't afford to date then don't.

ToothbrushThief · 31/03/2012 20:51

ethel in part I agree with you about the hard time/mixed messages but it's the OP's sense of entitlement that doesn't sound that great.