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Original poster

Why can't single men understand when a single parent says they are EXTREMELY SHORT OF MONEY??

69 replies

equinox · 31/03/2012 12:57

Hello all you fine ladies

I have been attempting to date for the past 2 years as I could not face the thought until my boy was in school. It has been nothing short of a minefield!

The last boyfriend only lasted two months as he was incredibly tight with his cash whereas I am not a golddigger I do not expect to pay half for everything when I am looking after a 7 year old boy alone without family help and I have been struggling to earn a living. He knew I had a fair amount of debt and that I had had to sell my remaining jewellery to pay for the gas electric and water rates bills. This was back in October.

Surely this implies the person is in a crisis right, if they have to sell any jewellery so that they can cover essentials??

The current boyfriend has also not grasped how much strain I am under and was due to send me £40 for petrol monies to drive down from the midlands to London where he lives. He has presumably forgotten to send this despite a few reminders and although he paid on the last occasion back in February (I only go down when my son is on a half term or holiday break with his Dad) he hasn't coughed up this time. I know he does get absent minded but it is very wearing.

Why can't he try and clock on to the fact that I am living on very limited means as my business has not been earning much at all in the recent months and he is aware I have debt and no parents or siblings on the planet so that he does not even receive any gifts and the ex's family never buy him anything either. Whereas my ex does pay some maintenance this all gets swallowed up in trying to run the car.....

I am therefore unable to go and visit him and although I have gone off the idea to see him for now anyway I am coming to the firm conclusion that no single man will ever understand how it is raising a child alone without two incomes and family help in addition??

Any thoughts everyone? Thank you in anticipation!

OP posts:
ethelb · 31/03/2012 21:09

OP has a business. That doesn't suggest she has a sense of entitlement.

She is just excited in a new r'ship and wants to see her boyf and is frustrated Wink

TBF how many people here are sahm's who have complained about their child benefit being cut recently. Nothing wrong with that, but jumping on a this woman who is doing her best on her own and calling HER entitled? Not on.

ginmakesitallok · 31/03/2012 21:10

There's a huge difference between the father of your child and your long term partner supporting you as a family vs a new boyfriend funding your new relationship.

I agree that lots of people don't understand what it's like to be really broke - but being really broke doesn't mean you should expect a boyfriend to shore up your finances?

ethelb · 31/03/2012 21:46

But she just wants him to help out with the dating stuff. I offered to pay for meals or took my DP out for a meal but paid as he had paid the train fare to come, he was broke and I wanted to eat out and could afford it. Sometimes.

He rarely accepted and insists on paying half when he can which is 99% of the time. Was he 'entitled'?

happybubblebrain · 31/03/2012 22:00

I ruled out dating a long time ago (like other bad habits) because it costs far too much (not just financially either). It costs far more than its worth.

If I were you, I would concentrate you energies on making your business a sucess or finding a way to increase your income, rather than expecting someone else to come and do that for you.

I do sypathise though.

PigletUnrepentant · 31/03/2012 22:30

I don't think you are a gold digger but perhaps a bit naive and old fashioned.

I guess it is about managing expectations...

I have a friend who always accept an offer of the guy to pay. She says that statistically men earn more even if they are doing the same job, so she thinks it's only fair.

I have another friend who wouldn't allow anyone to pay for her as this makes her feel as she is being patronised. Funnily, more often than not, it's she who ends up paying and being taken advantage of.

I am starting to take a more practical approach. If the guy seems a financial equal, we go halves. If the guy seems loaded I expect him to pay (most of them get offended if you offer to pay your fare). If the guy seems to be worse off than me... well, frankly, I wouldn't like to put pressure on that person to keep up with me or even pay, but then if that means going out to places I feel uncomfortable at just because he is short of money... shame on me, but I'll rather pass Blush

However, loaded date or not, if I think my weekly budget doesn't allow for going out... I simply don't go out. End off. At those times, Skype works wonders.

The fact that I am a single mum, doesn't even enter into the equation.

DowagersHump · 31/03/2012 22:42

ethel - you're talking about your partner who you're having a child with. Totally different kettle of fish to dating.

FannyBazaar · 31/03/2012 22:44

Hmm, it's not just women who are extremely short of money! I had a boyfriend who was struggling financially. We went halves, had cheap dates or if I really wanted to go somewhere/do something he couldn't afford I went without him or paid for both of us.

I gave up my car as it was too expensive to keep on. I cycle most of the time or use public transport.

ImperialBlether · 01/04/2012 00:12

Ethel, in my opinion, if you both want a child in the future, you both save. If he's putting money into his pension, he is saving long term. Good for him, but you two may not be together long term. By saving for maternity leave, you are saving short term. Again, that's fine. But in the long term, he's fine and you aren't.

I remember your thread and didn't feel your OH was as committed as you were.

D0G · 01/04/2012 00:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToothbrushThief · 01/04/2012 08:49

Rereading all of this I have sympathy with the OP because what she is describing is the situation many LPs find themselves in.... financially poor and time poor (child care) whereas the single man is free and has only himself to spend money on.

I'd never date a broke man (sorry but... I've supported one man and I now have a family to support - there are limits)

By the same token I'd never expect a man to finance me. It does mean my dating options are limited. But I think you've identified that in your last paragraph ( I am coming to the firm conclusion that no single man will ever understand how it is raising a child alone without two incomes and family help ) It does take a special man. Current bloke has managed the balance of my need for independence vs my ability to pay my way. It works. If I had to make it work by asking for help, it really wouldn't.

ethelb · 02/04/2012 16:24

@Imperial I am also saving into a pension. Why am I not fine? I have savings and a pension. Should I not save 'for the future'.

DP also has a pension and has just started saving.

ToothbrushThief · 02/04/2012 16:26

I think she was making the point that one is paying for 'now' for both and another is putting their money away for a future which may only belong to them.

ethelb · 02/04/2012 16:27

We are both putting money away for the future into personal accounts.

What the hell is wrong with that?

ToothbrushThief · 02/04/2012 19:23

Nothing. If you are happy, then it's all fine and dandy.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 02/04/2012 21:05

OP, tbh you sound like you'd be better off with a sugar daddy rather than a boyfriend and there's a website out there precisely for that purpose Wink .

mummmsy · 02/04/2012 21:13

ah there's nothing like a bit of single mum bashing...like toothbrush thief i totally sympthasise and if he's not sympathetic to your situation then he's the problem, not you Wink

op is coming across to me more that she wants recognition, for him to understand and comprehend her difficulties than 'grabby'

ethelb · 02/04/2012 21:30

@softkitty can you IMAGINE someone saying that to a SAHM?

whiteandnerdy · 03/04/2012 13:17

I think most people want to know that they are basically equally investing in a relationship. There's lots of different factors such as your personallity and how emotionally you attach to people, factors such as thinking about the emotional attachment of you children, and resources such as your free time, and also money. Money is a very easy indicator for people to use to measure that people are investing equally in a relationship, however I'm not sure how accurate it is for accessing the real investment that your putting into a relationship, or for understanding peoples motivations for such an investment in the first place.

whiteandnerdy · 03/04/2012 13:19

Hell I'm a romantic kind a guy Grin

Agincourt · 03/04/2012 13:24

Look if you are going to be a gold digger, as the other suggests you are going to have to try ALOT HARDER than this!

You pick someone who is local, wearing barbour, is part of the shooting club, a decade older than you, has a labrador, a range rover and his own house. Not someone who can't lend you a couple of quid for fuel.

Hth

susiedaisy · 03/04/2012 13:38

Agincourt

susiedaisy · 03/04/2012 13:38

Grin missed smiley face off!!

NatashaBee · 03/04/2012 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrGin · 03/04/2012 14:57

I am coming to the firm conclusion that no single man will ever understand how it is raising a child alone without two incomes and family help in addition

I can assure you that is an incorrect conclusion to settle on.

Emmielu · 03/04/2012 15:01

MrGin is right. That is an incorrect conclusion to settle on. One of my closest friends is a single full time dad on his own, in his own place, in a new town, no family, no friends & he does it. & does it bloody well.