Help me out of this...rut or whatever it is

[WetTheMogwai]

I think I just need to write this down and vent or something, I dont know if theres any answers or if its just something I need to kick myself out of. This could get long so if you get to the end feel free to just tell me that Im being stupid and selfish and lazy, I think thats what it is maybe.

Im a single mum on benefits, living a long way from my family with a beautiful 10 month old daughter. I have a good support system up here, I have some lovely friends and the babys dads family have taken me in as one of their own.

The thing is that I have absolutely no motivation, no energy and no will to do anything. Most nights I fall asleep on the couch because I guess I cant face going to bed on my own, then Ill wake up around 4 and take myself up to bed. My daughter is an absolute dream and doesnt wake up til gone 9 or even later, has a bottle and goes back to her cot for a nap and a play. she goes to sleep around 7/8 in the evenings so its not like i keep her up really late to make sure I get a lay in. Anyway, I often dont get up til lunchtime but today it was gone 2 when I eventualy dragged my ass out of bed.

I dont know why I doit, I always feel awful whe I wake up because Ive missed so much of th day, so much time with my daughter and the first thing I always think, without fail is " shit shes only had 1 bottle since 7.30 last night, god shes been sat in that nappy since then too, no wonder her bum so sore, im such an awful mother."

As soon as I go into her room though I put the brave face and the smile on, take her down stairs, get her dressed and make her lunch.

I think its been worse recently because her dad hasnt been paying maintenence and the weathers been so crap so theres not much to do for free. We just sit in the house watching tele and playing with her toys while I try to stay off my laptop.

The only thing I can really moan about is her dad, hes treated me and her like shit and taken us for a ride for then last 18 months and hes been like a big black frustrating cloud over my life but loads of people have to deal with nob head exs so it not like im the only one in the world

I feel so stupid because I have the perfect child, really. Shes always slept through, she weaned with absolutely no bother, shell just sit and play by herself for as long as you need her too and the only problem she has with teething is a sore bum which she pretty much ignores even though it gets so bad it bleeds. my 2 'main' friends have postnatal depression so I cant really talk to them because obviously they have it so much worse than me.

sorry this has got really epicly long, like I said I think I just needed to get it all out, I dont think theres really a solution. I just want a light at the end of the tunnel, something to live for I guess and just some motivation.

I do zumba twice a week to get me out the house and have some baby free fun and feel so good after that, I dance round the house and everything like how I used to be. I want that back, I want to be happy. I should be happy, Ive got very little reason not to be.

If you got to the end then well done, you should get a medal or a blue peter badge or something. I dont want pity and dont expect miracle solutions but if anyones ever felt like this and got out the other side then maybe some tips?

Thanks

OP - how are you today?

I also agree with fakeblondie. :( You inability to cope now will have far reaching effects on DD if you don't address this now - which is what you are doing.

Move DDs cot into your room, start trying to shape your sleep pattern around DD. You will need to get used to sleeping alone, unless you co-sleep with DD. You need to establish a bedtime routine for yourself. Once DD is down to sleep, unwind, have a bath, hot drink, good book and possibly something like kalms night time to relax and send you off.

make lists. lists are good and give yourself achieveable steps - you are only getting zumba-rewards if you tick off the steps - how is general state of house? general tidy in living areas and good tidy in kitchen and bathroom daily.

Choose five cheap or free things you enjoy - park, local museum, local market to look at the different stalls, sure start, library - whatever is cheap free and out of the house. choose five things, establish a routine around them and do your absolute best to get both of you out of the house by 10Am each day - even if it's a walk to the local shop to buy milk.

How did you get on with your GP? How about HV?

Op, I am a single mother too.

Many a night I would go to bed at 2 a.m but the alarm was always on at 7 a.m. cos that's when I needed to get up to take care of my child. (earlier when he was a babe).

That's the "contract you sign up for" when becoming a mother. The child is nr. 1.

The father also left me to it (at 6 months of age). It was a huge shock but after picking myself up off the floor I just thought "Fuck you, I don't need you to cope with bringing him up".

You need to find that strength inside you, that you can cope with whatever life throws your way. You owe it to the both of you.

My son is now at university and a happy well-balanced kid.

I ain't saying it was an easy ride! But there ain't anyone else doing it for you and you just have to get on and deal with it...

Cos I want to look back on my life and know I did the best I could.

Hope you are seeing your GP for help.

P.s. I did go for counselling, it just helps to have a sounding board when you're on your own with a small child. And not wanting to burden friends too much.

hi everyone,

Weve done quite well today I think, DD slept in my bed last night as shes got a cough and kept waking herself up with coughing fits. I was up at 9 and she woke up shortly after. I rang the GP and managed to get an apointment for tonight (both for me and her now shes got this cough, im going to mention the nappy rash to him too as its worse today). I went to the childrens center and signed up for some courses, im not sure what they are I just asked her to sign me up for everything! I also asked at the library and got detais of a rhythm and rhyme session once a week. We went into town and got some shopping done now that Ive finaly got some money in the bank so weve got birthdays and mothers day sorted while I can.

This is the first time Ive been on the laptop today and I only came on to catch you all up before we go to the doctors, Ill let you know how it goes

Thanks for all your help, Im feeling much better already and am looking forward to get the doctors out the way!
hoping i can keep it up

piglet my mum works at a surestart center and we saw a HV there a few weeks ago when we visited, DD is either ahead or bang on all her milestones :) shes a little star she really is, must be to put up with me and still have a smile on her face.
Hope its all sorted and on track before it starts effecting her long term

Been lurking on this thread. So glad to hear you're getting yourself out there. It can be very hard to overcome the inertia of being used to doing nothing, so well done you in setting things in motion.

It's clear this has been the wake up call you needed - you knew something was wrong, very wrong, and you were brave enough to ask about it, then brave enough to start putting it right. Be proud of yourself.

If / when you wobble, come back and get whatever support / advice / kick up the arse you need from MN. Have a good weekend with your DD, you deserve it!

Wet You've done really well today, please keep it up tomorrow.

Your DD needs stimulation and play. It really isn't good that she's happy to play alone or stay in her cot awake, for long periods of time. A baby of 10 months with a good, strong attachment to her parent is unlikely to do this.

I don't want to sound too critical but just wanted to say that, birthday presents and zumba classes are going to have to be lower priority than your DD's health. Nappies and ointments for DD must come before gifts for other people, and if they don't understand this, then their not worth wasting thoughts on anyway.

natasha Im a list person too! made a lovely long list today and ticked everything off :)

balls I know and ive kept enough aside to buy everything she needs, like i said I finaly got a maintenence payment today so I got all her things with that. I was able to spend the money left over on pressies like i was ment to. also, I know this will be my last 'big' chunk of money til well after the bdays and theyr only cheap pressies but buying people things cheers me up which was partly the point of today!

Thankyou pink thats lovely :) Ive been to the doctor now and hes given me some antidepressants and is getting me in touch with a councillor. he wouldnt look at dds bum or cough as it wasnt her appointment so ill ring up tomorow ad book her in

Thanks everyone, your support really does mean a lot :)

Hi wet, just wanted to say you have done really well, both with your achievements today and your responses to your original OP.

I had undiagnosed pnd, I was fine for the newborn stage, but we moved to a new area when ds was 4 months old, I knew no one, and it started a mental decline for me, ending when ds was 7 months old and I broke down in front of a lovely HV as I thought I was the worst mother in the world!! She whisked me thru to a GP there and then and got me on some anti-ds which helped a lot to lift the fog. I would say however that it can take some Ads up to 6 weeks to build up enough in your system to feel the effect, and in fact the one I was on (citalopram) she warned me I was likely to feel worse at the 2 week mark but not to give up and keep taking them.

Your GP should have asked to see you back in 4 to 6 weeks to check how you are doing and if the ADs suit you (some people need to try a couple to get the best results) - did he do this??

Well done again on getting going today, you are doing really well, keep going, we will be here!!

Thankyou :) Hope everythings ok for you now. Thankyou for sharing your story, its reasuring to hear survival stories!

yes he said he wanted to see me again in 4 weeks and that i may feel worse in the next few weeks, not looking forward to that but needs must!

Ive got another busy day planned tomorow although its not very exciting! hopefuly i can motiate myself to catch up on some cleaning, I always feel better when the house is clean and the washings done!
Thankyou again :)

Sounds like you have made some real progress today :) Well done. Keep posting - MN has a fantastic support section here (and in Mental Health too) and there will always be someone around if you need a friendly ear.

Glad to hear you made it to the GP. I took A/D's for 6 months,for PMD but in retrospect should have taken them longer.

I am a SAHM and don't get out as much as I should. I have found plugging in my earphones to music on my phone - and dancing by myself a really good mood booster.

Thanks guys :)

ive had another good day tody, not as good as yesterday admittedly but its going to take work and effort and practice i think

dds rash is much much better already so thankyou dione for the egg tip!

Ive told 2 friends in RL about me being on the ADs, both have experience of them though so I felt more comfortable with it. Ive not told my mum, not sure how to or if im going too. I know shell worry because im so far away and shes got enough on her plate at the moment. I think ill just keep it too myelf for now. Youll probably see a thread on here in a few weeks about how to tell your mum your on ADs!

My God!!! OP I'm sorry if I appear harsh but I agree with the others that are saying you are neglecting your little girl.

Please ensure you do something about this, for you but mainly for your DD's sake, your poor little girl.

Good luck.

sorry, posted at the end of the first page.....amd now reading the rest!!

read the rest of your post, well done, you sound as though you have taken everyones advice and run with it, keep up the good work, it's hard being a single mum but the rewards are wonderful.

Hi flat dont worry, reactions like yours really made me wake up and make the changes i needed to. really wish id posted earlier but im glad i did it before this got much worse!

its day 3 of the ADs now and although im not aware of any effect yet just the fact that ive got the motivation to do things and the fog has lifted a bit im a lot happier in myself and with DD. if i can do this in just 3 days then im really looking forward to seeing what happens in the future :)

Great news, Wet. So glad to read your updates. Keep onwards and upwards!

Now you've started you need to keep going. I am glad people have been harsh. Child neglect doesn't deserve any sympathy.

Hi everyone, I think Ive been doing pretty well so far. weve done something everyday this week and had a really good time. Even after just 6 days Im feeling so much better, I feel like theres a reason to do stuff again and that cloud that what over my whole life has definetly started lifting. me and my friend (who also had PND) have a list of places were going to take the kids over the summer so weree really looking forward to that. Youve all helped me so much and your helping me help her too so thank you so much from both of us :)

That's great, Wet. I've heard it said that if you can do things for three weeks, then they become new habits. So if you start to slip, just re-read this thread to see where you were, and how well you're doing at turning it all around.

How are you finding the AD's? You should be over the worst of the side effects by now, and starting to feel their intended effects.

I will pink, thankyou. Theyre ok actualy, I havent noticed feeling lower than usual, in fact im feeling the opposite which is good. I really wasnt looking forward to getting worse!
I think because Im keeping busy, weve been out every day so far and because weve had a couple of days of lovely weather thats helped a lot.
The mornings are still hard and Im finding it very hard to get myself to bed at a halfway decent time but Im working on it and no matter what time I go to bed Im always awake for her first bottle and were always up before 10 (I know 10 isnt exactly the crack of dawn but its a big improvment on 2 i think!) and I find myself WANTING to get up too which is lovely and Im actualy looking forward to the day :)
weve had a lovely day out today and im shattered so hopefully this will be my first early night in a long time!

Hey
I'm glad you have taken advice from on here, I think if you re-read your op in a couple of months time you too will be appalled with what you wrote as are many of the replies .
It really does seem its hit home though and I'm glad your feeling more positive ! How's your little girls nappy rash? Just out of interest , which antidepressants had your dr put you on as when I started mine I had extreme side effects that made me worse for a couple of days , yet you seem to be much better after only a week !!!

hi dip the nappy rash is up and down to be honest, it was almost completely gone last weekend but tonight its really very sore again and bothering her a lot more than it has done before so Im going to take her to the walk in center tomorow :(

the ADs are fluxetine, ive not noticed any side effects as yet and this is day 7 so fingrs crossed I wont have any at all. Ive had a bitof a down day today which I hope is a one off, everyone has down days I guess and we have had a very busy week. I am wondering if this is the start of the feeling worse though but ill keep you posted