Help me out of this...rut or whatever it is

[WetTheMogwai]

I think I just need to write this down and vent or something, I dont know if theres any answers or if its just something I need to kick myself out of. This could get long so if you get to the end feel free to just tell me that Im being stupid and selfish and lazy, I think thats what it is maybe.

Im a single mum on benefits, living a long way from my family with a beautiful 10 month old daughter. I have a good support system up here, I have some lovely friends and the babys dads family have taken me in as one of their own.

The thing is that I have absolutely no motivation, no energy and no will to do anything. Most nights I fall asleep on the couch because I guess I cant face going to bed on my own, then Ill wake up around 4 and take myself up to bed. My daughter is an absolute dream and doesnt wake up til gone 9 or even later, has a bottle and goes back to her cot for a nap and a play. she goes to sleep around 7/8 in the evenings so its not like i keep her up really late to make sure I get a lay in. Anyway, I often dont get up til lunchtime but today it was gone 2 when I eventualy dragged my ass out of bed.

I dont know why I doit, I always feel awful whe I wake up because Ive missed so much of th day, so much time with my daughter and the first thing I always think, without fail is " shit shes only had 1 bottle since 7.30 last night, god shes been sat in that nappy since then too, no wonder her bum so sore, im such an awful mother."

As soon as I go into her room though I put the brave face and the smile on, take her down stairs, get her dressed and make her lunch.

I think its been worse recently because her dad hasnt been paying maintenence and the weathers been so crap so theres not much to do for free. We just sit in the house watching tele and playing with her toys while I try to stay off my laptop.

The only thing I can really moan about is her dad, hes treated me and her like shit and taken us for a ride for then last 18 months and hes been like a big black frustrating cloud over my life but loads of people have to deal with nob head exs so it not like im the only one in the world

I feel so stupid because I have the perfect child, really. Shes always slept through, she weaned with absolutely no bother, shell just sit and play by herself for as long as you need her too and the only problem she has with teething is a sore bum which she pretty much ignores even though it gets so bad it bleeds. my 2 'main' friends have postnatal depression so I cant really talk to them because obviously they have it so much worse than me.

sorry this has got really epicly long, like I said I think I just needed to get it all out, I dont think theres really a solution. I just want a light at the end of the tunnel, something to live for I guess and just some motivation.

I do zumba twice a week to get me out the house and have some baby free fun and feel so good after that, I dance round the house and everything like how I used to be. I want that back, I want to be happy. I should be happy, Ive got very little reason not to be.

If you got to the end then well done, you should get a medal or a blue peter badge or something. I dont want pity and dont expect miracle solutions but if anyones ever felt like this and got out the other side then maybe some tips?

Thanks

You need to get some support and help urgently.

It is not ok to leave your daughter in her cot until 2pm.

GP, as soon as possible.

Seriously. This is neglect.

"Anyway, I often dont get up til lunchtime but today it was gone 2 when I eventualy dragged my ass out of bed.

I dont know why I doit, I always feel awful whe I wake up because Ive missed so much of th day, so much time with my daughter and the first thing I always think, without fail is " shit shes only had 1 bottle since 7.30 last night, god shes been sat in that nappy since then too, no wonder her bum so sore, im such an awful mother.""

I'm sorry, I'm not going to pussy foot around it because I think you need to hear this clearly:

You really have to kick your act together. You seem to have post natal depression and are not even noticing you are neglecting your baby big time. Get yourself to the GP and get some help, you cannot be leaving a 10 month old baby with no food or nappy change from 7:30 pm to wake up ready to make her lunch at 12 or 2 pm the next day.

Sorry OP but this isn't right at all. Can you not motivate yourself for your dd's sake? If you love her you will get your life in order for her.

You can be happy and dance around the house with her etc Go out and walk in the rain with the rainsheets on the pram. It's liberating.

You can do anything you want but you're stopping yourself for silly reasons.

You seriously need to get your shit together.

Wow ok. Yea I guess it is, maybe I was so caught up in him neglecting her I never thought about myslef. what can the gp do though?

Thanks for responding

You might be depressed.

Some professionals should also see your daughter.

Yes, NatashaBee has a good point. See your HV. Shell have some good ideas about things you could do to help yourself and your daughter.

natasha Ive not seen my gp or health visitor for a long time. My healthvisitors on maternity leave and my gps a very erm...gruff asian man who tbh scares me and makes me quite uncomfortable, the other gp in the practice is similar. obviously it shouldnt stop me going but it does mean i dont have a 'good relationship' with him

egg why should they see her?

The GP can maybe sort you out with some counselling or anti depressants if you think that will help.

Your home visitor might be able to refer you to some groups in your area that run during the day, hopefully that will give you a bit of a push to get up and make a go of your day.

Give you some antidepressants so you find it easier to cope with day to day stuff until you feel better.

You may feel angry and frustrated at the way the father of your baby has behaved but that is no excuse for you to neglect your child, you are now in charge and whether you like it or not, the only person that baby has to take care of her is yourself. You need to get some help or get someone to help you with the baby until you feel better.

Disclaimer: I'm not an insensitive b* that doesn't understand your situation. I'm also a single mum with no family around who is raising a child single handedly.

i got post natal depression when my DD was 10 months - I thought pmd was something you got soon after birth - but it appears not. I got tablets and they worked within a week. If you were well, the attitude of the GP wouldn't get to you.

When I went to the doctors, I actually started crying before I could say anything - and the doctor diagnosed me straightaway. I didn't have to justify myself to him. He was really lovely.

I am also a single Mum with a 14 month old. I am on AD, due to the relationship breakdown with ex partner. I made myself go to the local baby groups & it was the best thing I could of done. I have made some lovely friends & DD loves going & the staff are great & really supportive. See if there is a SureStart centre in your area as they should hold midwife & HV drop in clinics.

Are your friends nearby?

You need some support. Baby groups may open up new friendships. You really do need to get up on the morning

Even to just watch Jeremy Kyle?

And I'm also a single mum, to 5!!

OP, It sounds as though you are depressed. Which is hardly surprising given your circumstances.

You are stuck in a rut, but the fact that you realize that is a testament to your intelligence and will. Make an appointment with your GP and get some help to get out of it.

Don't dig it deeper. Life is out there waiting for you.

Thanks Igetcrazy I didnt think it could be because shes so old, thought it was a bit late for baby blues so just put it down to struggling a bit with a really crap situation. were you aposed to going on the tablets? Glad your feeling better though :) are you still on them? if not how long did you stay on them and how/why did you stop?

piglet I dont think your insensitive, like I said I dont want pity! Thankyou for being honest and for replying. I have the upmost respect for single mothers, I seemed to sail through her being a newborn but the last few months have been so tough i dont know how people do it. its soul destroying somedays and seems to be a thankless task.

mrs cumberbatch theres a childrens center right around the corner, I went for a while but once Id done all the classes and everything and run out of new things I found the stay and plays etc so utterly boring (especialy as dd was too small to apreciate them so going was really just for me) that staying at home was a better option! Ill go tomorow and get a new timetable and see whats going on, thankyou

I know it can be dull while dd is too little to play properly but it's as much for you as her!

Also check out bookbug sessions at your local library. It's free and you might find some like-minded mums to spend some time with.

You MUST stop doing this.... Words fail me actually. It is neglect. Her bottom is bleeding? What are you doing about this? Dan right you're a terrible mother.

And the depression thing is a red herring. Depressed people don't neglect their children. Please, get some immediate help

Are you leaving her in her cot until lunch time?

jesus christ.

Thankyou dione thats lovely, Ill ring him tomorow.

I promised myself Id be in bed by 1 and set my alarm tomorow (ive set it the last few days but apart from 1 day Ive gone straight back to sleep)

lilac I cant bare jezza but thankyou! god knows how you cope with 5, i take my hat off to you!

galaxy my mum works in a surestart center and has been pestering me to go! like i said ill go tomorow (after ive rung the doctor!) and pick up a timetable, hope theres some new classes, i really enjoyed the baby massage and did ake some good friends. funny tough (well not at all funny but YKWIM) the friend I met at baby massage stopped going to the childrens center as she had undiagnosed PND and seeing all the mums there made her feel inadequate and like a bad mum, im trying to get her to go back and convince her otherwise because she really is a lovely mum but obviously I should follow my ow advice!

mrscumberbatch Ive not heard of them put theres a library up the road so ill have a look, thankyou :)

fuckyou I cae here for support, thats not helping, thanks

Oh really? I am so sorry that i am not fawning all over you... I am telling you some facts. You are not just 'a bit lazy' or in ' a bit of a rut ..' I have two children on my own so I fully understand lone parenthood. And with my youngest, I was a LP from day one.

It is NEGLECT and ABUSE to leave a baby in a cot until 2pm with a bleeding bottom in a nappy that is what... 16 hours old? No food? What the fuck are you doing? You're a disgrace.

Be glad that the other posters are kinder than me eh?

FuckU that's not very constructive.
Obviously the OP didn't seem to be aware of the severity of the issue, but is now and is making plans to rectify the situation. Abuse from people such as yourself only makes it harder for others to ask for help. Would you rather she didn't post and left her baby in the cot for days on end, for fear of nasty comments from people like you?
OP I hope you can now see that there is a much bigger issue here, and that you follow through your plans to see your GP. Good luck.

OP, I couldn't post and run.

I am really shocked actually, and sad to read what you wrote about your DD .

I know you came here for support, and I will try to be as supportive as I can, but my heart is breaking a little for your baby girl.
Please OP, get yourself to your gp. It doesnt matter if hes gruff, force yourself to tell him how you feel. If you really cant say it, write it down beforehand and give it to him, and sit there while he reads it.

Please, for the love of God.

The thing is, you obviously need support, but your baby needs much better care right NOW, or those nappy sores are going to get infected. It's not nice to feel criticised, but it pales into insignificance against letting your baby get sick because you are low. Ask for some proper help tomorrow- things will be a lot worse if you let it slide.