Help me out of this...rut or whatever it is

[WetTheMogwai]

I think I just need to write this down and vent or something, I dont know if theres any answers or if its just something I need to kick myself out of. This could get long so if you get to the end feel free to just tell me that Im being stupid and selfish and lazy, I think thats what it is maybe.

Im a single mum on benefits, living a long way from my family with a beautiful 10 month old daughter. I have a good support system up here, I have some lovely friends and the babys dads family have taken me in as one of their own.

The thing is that I have absolutely no motivation, no energy and no will to do anything. Most nights I fall asleep on the couch because I guess I cant face going to bed on my own, then Ill wake up around 4 and take myself up to bed. My daughter is an absolute dream and doesnt wake up til gone 9 or even later, has a bottle and goes back to her cot for a nap and a play. she goes to sleep around 7/8 in the evenings so its not like i keep her up really late to make sure I get a lay in. Anyway, I often dont get up til lunchtime but today it was gone 2 when I eventualy dragged my ass out of bed.

I dont know why I doit, I always feel awful whe I wake up because Ive missed so much of th day, so much time with my daughter and the first thing I always think, without fail is " shit shes only had 1 bottle since 7.30 last night, god shes been sat in that nappy since then too, no wonder her bum so sore, im such an awful mother."

As soon as I go into her room though I put the brave face and the smile on, take her down stairs, get her dressed and make her lunch.

I think its been worse recently because her dad hasnt been paying maintenence and the weathers been so crap so theres not much to do for free. We just sit in the house watching tele and playing with her toys while I try to stay off my laptop.

The only thing I can really moan about is her dad, hes treated me and her like shit and taken us for a ride for then last 18 months and hes been like a big black frustrating cloud over my life but loads of people have to deal with nob head exs so it not like im the only one in the world

I feel so stupid because I have the perfect child, really. Shes always slept through, she weaned with absolutely no bother, shell just sit and play by herself for as long as you need her too and the only problem she has with teething is a sore bum which she pretty much ignores even though it gets so bad it bleeds. my 2 'main' friends have postnatal depression so I cant really talk to them because obviously they have it so much worse than me.

sorry this has got really epicly long, like I said I think I just needed to get it all out, I dont think theres really a solution. I just want a light at the end of the tunnel, something to live for I guess and just some motivation.

I do zumba twice a week to get me out the house and have some baby free fun and feel so good after that, I dance round the house and everything like how I used to be. I want that back, I want to be happy. I should be happy, Ive got very little reason not to be.

If you got to the end then well done, you should get a medal or a blue peter badge or something. I dont want pity and dont expect miracle solutions but if anyones ever felt like this and got out the other side then maybe some tips?

Thanks

Ok im an awful mother, im neglecting and abusing my child and dont deserve such a perfect and beautiful daughter. I said i dont want pity, I wanted help. pointing out what I already know in such an unkind and agressive was isnt going to help anyone with depression is it? If thats what it is then surely your just going to make it worse

and I am very glad that the other posters are kinder, people come here for help and if your ever post with a problem then I hope theyre as kind and helpful to you as they are being to me.

When I found myself in a similar position to you one of the things I found that helped was drawing up a timetable for the week on a spreadsheet.

I would put down times to wake up, cook meals, play, go out (I had to force myself at first), clean the living room, kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, watch my fav tv shows, eat, bathe (me and and my child), deal with bills and anything else I thought I should be doing. I would tick them off as I did them.

The result was that at the end of each day, I would look at the ticks I had managed and felt a sense of achievement. Longer term, my life and that of DS improved immeasurably, as did our bond.

She wasn't aware of the severity of the issue? Wow. And trust me, I will have posted more problems on here than you and have taken most flamings that have come my way.

And yes, you are neglecting her. That's the bottom line here. I'll leave you to your pity party though. Hope you sort it.

If your child's nappy rash is bad, don't use wipes or cream. Use cotton wool and apply whisked up egg white. Keep it in a bowl in the fridge, it will cool, soothe and heal.

But please seek professional help for yourself from your GP. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Ican and teajunky Thankyou. yes i guess because shes such a content and happy child I only saw the problems being with me. she does get a very sore bum and i cant defend the leaving her in the nappy so long like i said in my OP but in responce to fuckyous question, she is bathed daily and is smothered in metanium and sudocream at every nappy change. the rash is only while shes teething, not a perminent thing and aparently both her dad and I were the same. Ive tried other creams but cant afford to keep buying different ones all the time so for now I have to stick with what I have :(
I asked her dad to buy some a couple of tuimes but of course that came to nothing. ironicaly hes the only one out of everyone around me who has spare money at the moment

Don't smother her iN both sudocrem AND metanium. They will not react well together.

Change her nappy regularly.

You need to consider a parenting course. This is basic stuff.

dione thankyou, from the bottom of my heart, for the tip. ill take all of them on board and get going with them tomorow :). Ive never heard of the egg white thing, ill do it now so theres one cold for the morning, will it be ok leaving it over night? does it have to be covered?

It's just so important to be on the ball when it comes to a baby's basic needs for physical care and attention, or they will not develop properly and have major attachment issues in later life. Seriously, you HAVE to get on top of this. If you can drag yourself to Zumba, you can get yourself out of bed for this child who needs you. Really, you must.

fuckyou I change her nappy every 2 hours and whenever she needs it inbetween. I was doing it every hour but i couldnt afford to keep it up. i apply the metanium first and then the sudocream 20 minutes after as i was advised.

it may be basic stuff. she didnt come with a manual. must be great being the all knowing perfect parent

lebof Im going to, starting tomorow. Ive let this go on long enough and wish id posted earlier, ive been thinking about it for a few weeks. its bad enough her dad neglecting her, we can deal with that but shes relying on me not him. tomorows the start and im taking on all the tips and advice on here. thankyou

You change her nappy every two hours?

Apart from the 14-16 hours that she is left in it until lunch time?

Make your mind up.

And I am far from perfect.

I didn't leave my babies with bleeding nappy rash in nappies for up to 16 hours while I lounged about in bed though - oh and not feed them either. Maybe you should re read your OP?

After you have put your baby to bed, go to bed. Set the alarm for 7-8am and then get up if only to feed and change that bloody poor child!

The nappy rash will not be just because of teething, it will also be because of the amount of time she is being left in a dirty nappy.

Jesus 18 and a half hours without a drink, depression or no depression this is not acceptable.

If you manage to get yourself out to Zumba and you enjoy it and you feel it does you some good then join up for something similar that is on in the morning then if your baby isn't enough to make you get out of bed maybe that will be.

Leaving it overnight will be fine. I would use a new egg white every 24 hours. Make sure you whisk it prior to application. Not too hard, just enough to get enough air in so that some of it sticks and give it 20 to 30 seconds to dry before fastening the nappy.

yes every 2 hours, like i said theres no excuse for the 14 hours shes left, thats changing tomorow but while we're up and dressed i do my best to control it. when shes not teething its fine and never had a problem with it up til then. itll be gone within a day when shes cut this tooth, id put money on it. it may not seem like anything to you, it may not stop me from being an awful mother but at least ive done that. like i said, from tomorow it changes.

im going to bed now as i said id be in bed by 1 and im sticking to it.

thanks dione :) its in the fridge waiting for her

FGS Fuckyou, leave her alone.

She doesn't seem to be ignoring the advice of other people. She has accepted she needs help and she is going to go and get it tomorrow.

Glad to hear it.

piglet - good. She needs to. I think you lot have been very helpful and supportive of her.

Your dd probably isn't just being so good and not waking up. She so unstimulated she prob doesn't have any choice because she knows no different. babies of mums with pnd make less eye contact and interact with others far less because that's all they know.
have a think about the long term effects. . . How will she form her own relationships etc in the future.
You really need to step up to the Mark and put your dd first .Then address your own mh issues. it will affect her long term but you CAN do something about it now. get up and spend time with your dd.God I spend hours in bed some days but that is because I'm under the duvet playing pee po and can't get enough of dd. read to her. Play with her. See the world thro her eyes. . . She will ADORE you cos your her mum. see your GP for her sake if not your own and you can begin to move forward. get out in the fresh air will do you both good. Speak with your HV about a pnd support group. Your dd needs you .Well done for recognising what's happening is not normal but PLEASE now listen to the advice and make changes x

Op, are you up and about yet??

I wish I had your mobile number; I wouldn't stop ringing till you got up and and got your gorgeous DD out of her cot and went downstairs...

this is serious neglect, you need a wake up call op, before someone (possibly your ex's family) reports you to SS

i had pnd, i never neglected my baby, depression is not an excuse so stop using it as one, get out of bed and care for your child

Good luck for today, Wet. Don't chicken out - your DD needs you to do this. Sure start whatever time, and emergency GP appointment if you wake up after the time you're supposed to make the call.

I have been really down low and I know it's really hard, it will get better, but it won't go away on it's own. You need to get some help, sure start people are so kind, I wish you luck.

How you doing so far op?

I have to say that I agree with Fakeblondie, many underestimulated children cry less, and seem to manage with very little attention, and can be wonderful eaters . Simply put, they are used to have their needs ignored and many of them are very hungry.

You need to try to get your child seen by the HV as well, as if she has not been receiveing much attention she may be falling behind with her milestones. Some of these milestones are easy to achieve when they are young, but once that learning window closes it could, take years to sort the problem out. So it is not as if you can leave the things as they could be easily sorted later, you need to get your act together now.