Non resident separated dad concerned for 2yo safety

[jc0202]

Hi all.

I am becoming increasingly concerned for the wellbeing of my child since separating from his mother a year ago.
Everytime i visit there's crap everywhere, sometimes literally (cat), scissors lying around, tools, my jaw drops when i see whats amongst the usual toys and whatnot.
She's made some poor decision about making sure he's safe lately (running ahead alone in the street-he's 2!-we live in London)and one significant misjudgment sometime ago where he ended up in plaster. When i challenged her about it she flew off on one and won't have me round again.
If this is what its like the odd occasion i'm there, whats it like when i'm not?!
I see my son all the time, he is well looked after, its not a child abuse case or anything. But his mother's seems to be making some terribly risky decisions and i can't help feeling there's accident waiting to happen (not for the first time).
I want to get something done, but personally can do nothing. She is unable to discuss anything, so talking is out the question. Don't want to involve Social Services, what can i do? Talk to her GP?
Please, any good advice gladly accepted

speak to health visitor.

ask hv to try and make a home visit to mum and son at their place,
.
it wil then be hv call as to whether it means a chat and advice or further action.

if he was in plaster there will be medical record of that. and they would have asked how it happened etc.

are there any MH issues or other issues you need to raise with hv?

of course you need to raise it senstively with hv so that she aware of the whole situation etc - so it does come across as you accusing unnecesarily but rather you are being worried about DS. if mum isnt coping well then she may indeed get extra help. eg depending on why you split, maybe she would benefit from some separation counselling etc - but that is for ehr and ehr GP to discuss not you. your repsonsibility is to your Ds and you can call his health visitor any time to discuss concerns .

keep careful records and notes and call HV eg if you drop him off and notice things then call hv to let her know what you seen - if you feel it really is unsafe - for good reasons - then you should not leave DS with her. it is your call.

Thanks cestlavie very good advice. Many many thanks.
Spike, sorry mate you're just fishing for drama.

Don't think Spike is angling for a drama at all - just asking quite reasobnably for more detail. It does sound as if you're trying to cuase a bit of trouble....cos the house is a pigsty.

if you have serious concerns about the well being of your child call SS. Otherwise try asking if she wants your to help in anyway. Otherwise butt out.

more info is neeed surely eg on "seems to be making some terribly risky decisions and i can't help feeling there's accident waiting to happen (not for the first time). "
and just what state of house is - but first point of call should be health visitor .

either to reassure op that it's ok or to take someaction, which may or may not lead to SS involvement.

eg letting 2 year old run off in front - depends when where etc.
i did once sack a nanny as - among other things - she did not hold my two year old's hand when crossing busy road (happened to see her as i drove to work!) - it was a combination of little incidents like that which raised concern about her ability to care for a toddller. (i think she was ok with older children though)

you cant sack a mother - but maybe she needs some advice/support/help via hv. we dont know in what circumstances they ahve split. op does know and can speak to hv with that information

if there are genuine concerns they need to be followed up before a preventable accident does happen...

Have spent an hour talking to hv and received really good helpful reassuring advice.

And guess what? When i said i'm calling on behalf of my DS, they informed me a meeting had been cancelled by mum TODAY. Told me she's workng, i know that's untrue.

When i enquired why, was told it was to follow some issues raised at last meet.

Allow me to refrain from dissecting the specifics of the concern, also as i said i would rather not involve SS, i will not rule it out, but i don't want my genuine worries as a non resident but very participatorial parent to escalate unnecessarily at this stage.

Would sooner explore the alternatives first, concilliation etc. Any suggestions gladly received.

I can assure you i'm not fixing for trouble so thanks for your advice to 'butt out' titchy but thats not really advice is it? But thankyou for your contribution.

jc0202 for what it's worth I've never seen cestlavielife give anything but excellent advice on here.

Glad you seem to be sorting things for your son. Good luck.

I would list your concerns and ask yourself honestly which are genuine concerns with the welfare and safety of your child and which are just differences in parenting style. Maybe share this with another parent that you know and trust.

For instance I have had my ex come in soon after we split and tell me the house was a mess, But I had 2 small children and 3 dogs to look after on a daily basis and a full time job and he had just himself to look after unless it was weekends and he wasnt working. (he gave up overnights during the week as too difficult for him) . So I told him to P* off out of MY house!

He used to feed the children on a diet of nuggets and pizza when they were with him. Now I dont approve of that, but it is hardly an issue worth raising and as long as they are getting fed he is quite within his rights to feed them what he likes.

Other stuff, like not using booster seats, are real child safety issues are important and worthy of discussion. BUT unless you have a real child safety issue, where you could involve social services, or send a solicitors letter raising your concerns, or as a last resort go for residency, I think you just have to let the RP get on with it. You cannot expect to control another adult.

It might be better for you to maintain a good relationship with your ex so you know what is happening than constantly criticise and get banned from the house. I would keep in contact with the HV, but you cant expect to talk to her GP as that would be a breach of patient confidentiality.

thanks elastamum, for your comments, there is obviously a difference between disapproval and genuine concern, the examples you gave are all of no cause for alarm to me, it is difficult on these forums to convey the situation fully.

The hv today told me that a child only has perception of the speed a vehicle is travelling from around the age of 10, i found this hard to believe, she said most parents do, my 2yo is being encouraged by his mother to run 30 yds ahead in a dark street with cars and motorcycles tearing past at 50mph. I believe she is not taking the correct precaution for a child of his age and, although he has excellent intelligence development, misguidedly thinks he has better understanding than a 2yo ever could.

It is this that most alarms me, although at every stage our boy is encouraged to learn about life, there is a point where a parents duty of care must prevail and the boundaries of what they are and are not allowed to do are defined.

I only realised she allows him to do this some days ago, there is no way i can know what other risk she is putting ds in in my absence, and this i feel is genuine cause for concern.

Is your son just 2 or nearly 3?

As someone has already said, sometimes there can be different views on parenting rather than real safety issues. My ex complained when my 2 were toddlers that I let them climb on the arm of the sofa and they might fall off and hurt themselves, and yet a park is full of things to climb?! Some examples of 'safety issues' in my experience turn out to be more about being overprotective and not allowing children to actually learn and become indepedent, adn develop their own sense of safety.

I'm not saying this is the case for you, just my general thoughts.

How often do you have your ds?
Can you have him more to give his mum a break so she can have time to clean the house? Perhaps if you offered her help rather than criticising she may receive it in a better way?

@Thoughts he's exactly 2.5 (well last friday anyway). I allow him to run climb and explore at every opportunity WHEN ITS SAFE. 30yds between a child of 2 and a hand to hold on a busy road is a looong way! I'm sensing hes being allowed, perhaps encouraged, into risk beyond his understanding.

@Dolly good idea, thanks, that's the angle i'm trying to take.

Why dont you discuss just that specific issue with her then?

It isnt unreasonable to have parenting discussions with your ex. Me and my ex do this all the time to try to present a consistent approach to our nearly teenage sons, as we both feel it is important to set consistent boundries if we can. Interestingly I have a much more relaxed attitude to risk than he does. but then I am with them everyday, and I know more about what they are capable of.

If you SAW your child running along a busy road alone then it is perfectly reasonable to bring that up. But stick to the big important stuff, otherwise you start to look as if you are building up a list of gripes to beat her with.

Also, as Dolly said, a little bit of help goes a very long way towards building good will between exes. Why not offer to take your son out more often so she can get some time to do other things. It is difficult to get anything much done whilst looking after small children.

Also, we dont know the circumstances of your split as you havent really shared much. Did you choose to leave? If you are left on your own with children to look after, it is hard not to resent the NRP if they swoop in, offer advice, critisize your efforts and only do a fraction of the real parenting work.

Erm, why don't you offer to help?
Like go int there and say 'hey I'm his dad, I'm half responsible, let me help you tidy up'?
MAybe you need a break, let me watch him why you go have a nap/bath etc...

oh no no no - there is no way i would want my exP coming to my house tidying up! who would?
if she needs help then far more helpful would be to offer to pay a regular cleaner etc

what separated person wants their ex in their house "tidying" up their things?

" let me watch him why you go have a nap/bath etc..."

again - this is what couples do - or if you have some kind of very amicable arrangement.

not when you for whatever reason seprated and from hints by the op dont get along that well...

Well done on raising the issue with the HV, you have at least flagged a concern.Usually it's Mums complaining about how dad's take care of DC's and I agree often it can be down to parenting differences. I would however think that a 2 year old ought to be held by the hand, my ds was so lively at that age and no way could I let him run loose.

The best you can do is see your ds often, speak to the ex in a positive way about your concerns and raise concerns with the HV.

You know, if a woman posted saying...

' I'm concerned about my XP, his house is a tip with cat poo on the floor and sharp objects laying around, he lets a 2 year old run 30 yards ahead on very busy roads and his actions resulted in dc in plaster..'

I doubt the advice would be ' ooh, maybe you should offer to go round and clean up for him'

< shakes head >

My ex and I now have keys to each others houses so we can pop round and pick up things he kids have left behind and we shere the same cleaner!

BUT that is 3yrs down the line and we have learnt to respect each others space and parenting.

Agree with Mr Gin I dont think you should be in her space, but maybe taking your son out more often to sharee the load.

BTW my ex managed to get my sons arm broken by dropping him whilst playing a game, but it was an accident (I saw it happen). It was a stuypid mistake and I have never criticised him for it, or bought it up in our divorce - he felt bad enough as it is, that he let it happen

Offer to help clean her filthy house?

How ridiculous is that? I think the OP wanted constructive help...

I was refering to the house being filthy. Of course I cleaner is a good idea, funded by daddy.
If not, daddy actually helping clean up after his child is the next best thing.

I only suggest this, because apparently it's so bad social services involvement is being discussed.

I'll always be in favour of helping a struggling parent.
If it was a man looking after his children fulltime and the mother went to visit and came on here saying how messy the house would I would suggest they help tidy it too.

I think attempting to help the parent should be done first before running off to child services.

it's the child's home while the child is living there, I think both parent should care about whether it's nice, it's not just hers.