Non resident separated dad concerned for 2yo safety

[jc0202]

Hi all.

I am becoming increasingly concerned for the wellbeing of my child since separating from his mother a year ago.
Everytime i visit there's crap everywhere, sometimes literally (cat), scissors lying around, tools, my jaw drops when i see whats amongst the usual toys and whatnot.
She's made some poor decision about making sure he's safe lately (running ahead alone in the street-he's 2!-we live in London)and one significant misjudgment sometime ago where he ended up in plaster. When i challenged her about it she flew off on one and won't have me round again.
If this is what its like the odd occasion i'm there, whats it like when i'm not?!
I see my son all the time, he is well looked after, its not a child abuse case or anything. But his mother's seems to be making some terribly risky decisions and i can't help feeling there's accident waiting to happen (not for the first time).
I want to get something done, but personally can do nothing. She is unable to discuss anything, so talking is out the question. Don't want to involve Social Services, what can i do? Talk to her GP?
Please, any good advice gladly accepted

How do you pay maintenaince?

I think it's reasonable to pay for a cleaner once a week for your son's home if you have concerns about the hygene of the home he's living in.

It's very easy for a parent who's not taking part ib day to day care to sit back and philosophise about how the monkey whose doing all the work is not quite doing it properly, is doing this that and the other wrong..

I would ask OP to consider how exactly he'd like to help support in his child being better off.
:)

Presumably the hospital were the ones who put the plaster on your DS after the ^significant misjudgement* some time ago?
Did they raise any concerns?
Has anyone else raised any concerns? Her parents? Siblings? Do her friends visit? Does your XP cancel many appointments to see HV?

I agree, more information is needed.

If my DC were thought to be at risk, I'd welcome SS involvement tbh. I wonder why you don't want to involve SS?

If not, daddy actually helping clean up after his child is the next best thing.

Rather difficult if the mother doesn't let the dad in the home.

I think attempting to help the parent should be done first before running off to child services.

Patronizing. The OP is clearly concerned and trying to avoid escalating anything.

It's very easy for a parent who's not taking part ib day to day care to sit back and philosophise about how the monkey whose doing all the work is not quite doing it properly, is doing this that and the other wrong..

Not quite doing it properly ?! Cat shit on the floor, sharp objects littered around.

I would ask OP to consider how exactly he'd like to help support in his child being better off.

You mean like coming onto a forum looking for advice, gratefully accepting it, not rising to the negative comments like yours and discussing how to improve things with the HV ?

I think both parent should care about whether it's nice

Well clearly the OP does and the mother doesn't.

I wonder why you don't want to involve SS?

If you read the OP's posts you might not need to ask that question.

There's nothing negative in my posts at all.

It's not 'clear' that the mother doesn't care about having a nice home, she may be genuinely struggling, obviously OP has been into the house recently to give an explanation of the state of the house, so why would you assume he's not allowed in?
Commenting on how bad a home is does not make it clear that you care about changing things, it may just mean one enjoys pointing out their ex's failures.
Hopefully OP isn't just here to take a moral high ground and tell us how the ex is not very good, hopefully he's here to think of ways to try and help.

I'm suggesting what I think could help.

I would welcome any help from an absent father.

It's critism that will 'esculate things'.

If my ex wanted to help my arranging a cleaner to help once in a while I'd be fucking delighted, and actually trust him and open up more, as it'd be clear that he was there to help, not just try and critisize and cause stress.

I wouldn't find it patronising at all.

(from a mother whose house does occaisonally resemble a shit hole)

so why would you assume he's not allowed in?

Because he said so in his post. I suggest you read them.

"" Everytime i visit there's crap everywhere, sometimes literally (cat), scissors lying around, tools, my jaw drops when i see whats amongst the usual toys and whatnot. ""

How very confusing??

I'm sorry for obviously being stupid MrGin but I honestly do not understand why, if someone is concerned for the wellbeing of a child, that they don't contact SS. Please explain?

himynameisfred , you're projecting your useless XP onto the OP. Tiss often the way when a man posts in here.

My adbvise to OP.

Is that perhaps ex flew off the handle over his lack of tact when telling her what a state the place was in, and it could be reasonable not to let someone in just to critisize your house.

He should apologize and say he realises it must be hard taking care of a child all by herself, and offer her help with the house hold as she's clearly struggling.

Not offer critism, but help.

And see if the outcome is better :)

one significant misjudgment sometime ago where he ended up in plaster. When i challenged her about it she flew off on one and won't have me round again.

himynameisfred The OP hasn't said he criticized the state of her home. He raised concerns after the dc ended up in plaster. she thus wouldn't let him in the home, and stopped talking to him. You're really on one about your the house, the OP's more concerned about his child running down busy streets at night.

littlemisssarcastic I'm not implying you're stupid, but if you ask a question that the OP has already answered I might be forgiven for thinking you should read his posts and saying so.

littlemisssarcastic

I do see why someone would not contact SS when concerned about their child.

Some social workers (not all) but some aren't very experienced and can make damaging decisions.

Such as the house being in a right state, the obvious solution is to help it get tidied asap.
SS won't help with that, they'll just come and judge, and it could actually lead to the child being removed, the mess.
I think the father should help improve his child's living conditions in any way he can before contacting Social services.
As it is his child and the way his child is living, they need to work on communication though obviously, if she's flying off the handle and not letting him in.
A cleaner being booked in by him could be the best bet.

All you can do is try, if you've tried every avenue, then last resort should be social services I think

MrGin are you here to help OP?

What suggestions do you have?

cestlavielife as ever has given mature and good advice to the OP. I can't improve on that.

But it's rare for a male to post in here so I follow those threads.

And the majority of times you'll get some women projecting their crap XP onto the OP and giving them a hard time. Venting.

It's not useful and I generally take people up on it.

Oh I see, standing up for the fathers.

Well I stand up for main carers who are judged harshly and suggest anyone concerned should think about how they can help that inadequate person and not just judge them.

No. Standing up for equal treatment of people seeking advice on threads whatever your genitalia.

Well you might want to send a card to this main carer.

I don't consider sex.

Oh some brilliant fear mongering there.

I have read about her.
I think in her case a father should have also tried everything, and certainly called social services if the home was in that state and she wasn't willing to fix it with help.

MrGin I usually find your posts to be sensible and measured but I think that that was an unreasonable comparison to draw in this thread. Declan's father didn't give two shits about him either and iirc, testified in court that Declan wasn't "a priority" for him. If I suggested that this was a an example of how terrible NRPs are I'd be flamed to hell and back, and rightly so. I agree with PPs that the OP's first port of call should either be the mother, or if he can't talk to her then asking a member of her family to do so, and just say "are you ok? Can I help?". It may be something as simple as being overwhelmed with the state the house is in, which can be solved by either a joint effort at blitzing it or the OP taking the child for longer so the ex can do it herself. It may be that she is suffering from mental health problems, in which case she needs medical help. Or it may be that she is in fact being neglectful at which point he should of course take action with the relevant authorities. I just don't think he should jump to the last option before exploring the others.

I remember asking my sister to take my son for a weekend when he was this age so I could blitz the house without worrying about him grabbing the bleach bottle when my back was turned. It gave me the chance to declutter and spring clean properly, and catch a full 8 hours kip (DS poor sleeper and sleep deprivation catches up with you over time!).

It made ALL the difference to me that she was willing to do this for me once every 6 months or so. Could you offer to do the same for your ex every now and then to help her out?

Even now I've been known to get a good friend to watch DS for an hour while I change the cat litter tray/clean the loo/mop the kitchen floor from to time when life has been frantic and he's now 7.

24/7 parenting is really tough and it sounds as if you have a "lively" child, who may not be letting his Mum get enough time to do the chores.

I also agree with the comments about the HV & road saftey. There are really cute rucksacks for toddlers that act as reins. A gift of one of those might help.

ThisIsExtremelyVeryNotGood

Ok accepted it was a bit of an extreme link. I just see a pattern in here when men post and it gets my goat that some peoples judgy pants shoot up when a male poster posts looking for female advice.

Within a few posts the OP is accussed of wanting to cause trouble, questioned on his motives, his contribution in dc's life. The tone is set.

TheOP has not judged his XP. He is here wanting advice specically about the mothers poor decissions around safety in and out of the home, and is taking it along with the flak.

So why is the OP treated with suspicion here by some ? The classic line on these male OP threads is ' hmm, I think we need more info' or 'we need the mothers POV'.... basically 'we don't believe you because you're a bloke'.

I understand that many here have useless, irresponsible dickhead XPs to deal with. But we're not all useless gits. And it's prejudiced to assume we are. And unhelpful when an OP has genuine concern about something as serious as the safety of a child.

There is a fair bit of suggestion on this thread that the mothers poor attitude to child safety is down to the OP not giving enough support, specifically in cleaning her home for her.

That an unkempt home is the cause not a symptom of deeper issues.

And yes the OP should explore all options before involving SS, as he is, should try and support mum, as you say.

But if I were on a male dominated forum I'd like to think I wouldn't treat women with suspicion purely because of their sex or because I'd had bad experience with them.

And that I'd speak up if someone did.

I don't think my suggestion was in anyway "anti-bloke", simply based on my own experience of life as a single Mum at the end of her tether and the simple intervention that made a tangible, measurable difference to our lives.

For me it was an overnighter once ever 6 months with a trusted carer, I would expect most Dads to be MORE than capable of that. Indeed it may be that a simple tweak of contact arrangements is all that's needed to get this sorted.

Sleep deprivation is not to be sneered at - it wasn't till my son hit 6 that any health professional started taking my lad's sleep issues seriously, yet I'd be lying if I said it hasn't impacted my parenting ability at times. If Dad is a NRP he may not be aware if the Mother is having problems in this area, simply cos he's not there to see it.

you need to relax and maybe she need help, in the shape of a cleaner. Offer to pay for one if you think its needed.
Honestly....

is up to parent A who is struggling to ask for what help they need.
parent b the ex is not responsible for their mental health or emotional health
parent B is responsible to the child
by expressing concerns to hv is low key way of getting hv on board to speak to parent A and hopefully arrange in agreement with parent A whatever support parent A needs
but if parent A does not seek support or want it then parent b has to step in for the child
doesn't matter what gender.
parent B is not responsible for parent A only for the child.

if parent A says to hv "i wish parent B would come clean my house" then hv can tell B but really would be within parent b's right to say "hello! i have my own house to clean! hers is her responsibility. you arrange with a and ss for help to clean! "

if parent A wants b to have child more - she should say so

if it is too much for A and she doesnt say so then B might have to make a decision for her and say right, i am taking child more days. parent A then decides - i seek help or i dont.

but really this isnt about cleanliness is it, is about bigger concerns

it has been a year. this isnt recent break up. if A is struggling mentally emotionally etc she needs to seek help via gp and hv.
if she does not then B has to take action with regard to child because a is an adult and responsible for themself

action only towards child - such as maybe child resides with B adn visits a for the short times ~A can cope. B cannot take action for the parent A. because B has no responsibility to A further A is an adult. only A can seek help / ask for what A needs.