Stopped access to ex

[catwoman1970]

I need advice on how to progress, I stopped access before Christmas due to my ex constantly letting me down and messing me around. The final straw was when I cancelled creche on the Monday cos he wanted the baby overnight to receive a text Sunday saying he couldn't have him as he was unwell (I found out later that his new gf was down and they were doing drugs on the Sunday). He has also been to a swinging club with his new gf and she has send me some abusive texts calling me allsorts.

In short I am not happy to make any further arrangements, I have said that he is to see the baby on his own or with his family and the baby is to stay at his home or his families but he refuses and says that I have no right to tell him what he can do!!

He has always been late picking baby up or doesnt turn up at all, baby is always returned dirty and clothes and toys missing......he will only have him on a week night, he keeps his weekends for partying!!

I am totally fed up at being messed around. I know nothing about this new girlfriend apart from the fact that she takes drugs and has been to a swinging party with him. He also has two kids which live abroad which he hardly has anything to do with and doesn't pay a penny to.

Any advice on how to sort out this mess

I get why you rang the number, catwoman - this creature has affected and hurt you very very deeply, and you want to hurt him back / find out the truth / let him know you know what he is / force him to be a decent human being / have him become a reasonable NRP.

Sadly, you will never be able to get the truth, you can't hurt him (but you can anger him), and decent and reasonable are unlikely to be terms he'll ever be described as.

I can also understand your concerns about his risky behaviour - swinger's clubs, drugs, gay saunas, lies, etc etc. If he's risky with his own well-being and life, who's to say he's not also risky with DS?

BUT.

Which of these things do you want to have happen:

You being bitter towards him from here onwards, that bitterness spills down to DS, DS resents you for not letting him have a relationship with his Dad, he builds Dad up to be some wonderful fantasy figure, meets him and is bitterly disappointed. Meanwhile creature gets to paint you as the bitch who stopped him seeing his DS.

You let it go, let the past go, and look at what is happening now. You let contact resume (in whichever format - see below), and eventually he voluntarily gives up contact as it gets in the way of his lifestyle too much. Then you can always show that you did the right thing, and even if he does take it to court, you can show that you have been reasonable in doing what you can to let him have safe contact with your DS.

If contact has been going well, then it is up to you to help maintain that. Which includes ignoring stuff from the past, but you know that, don't you? If you honestly think his behaviour and life-style is putting DS at risk, then arrange contact at a contact centre - National Association of Children's Contact Centres - you can self-refer for free, usually takes anywhere between a couple of weeks to a few months to get a place, and the sort of contact you're looking at (him and DS in a large room with several other NRP's and DC's with a few volunteers about the place) should be free.

Sorry he rung the number Sept 2011 not 2010 I have since found a sex profile of him and his new gf they meet up with stranger every week for sex. And most fri and sat nights, he told me he can never get fri or sat off yeh right. Changed my number on the 3 feb and not heard anything since. According to his swinging profile he is busy organsising a big swinging party at his place.

I am happy that I havent seen him and hope he will just stay away no my little boy will be so much better without this waste of space.

He has two kids in Oz he sent them nothing for Christmas nice eh

at what you found. Yeah, Sept 2011 is far too recent.

Please, stop looking. It won't help you get past this, and it's unlikely to be admissible at court. Again, I get why you're looking, but you need to disengage. If he ever does take it to court, you put the info into a position statement. No one ever asked me for evidence, although I had it - stacks of Facebook pages, emails, texts showing how nutty and abusive my ex was / is. You've got plenty screen caps and info by now, so please, let it go. I like to think it was clear from my consistency that evidence wasn't needed, but it was very clear from her passing acquaintance with the truth that whatever she said was to be treated with caution. And CAFCASS / SS will investigate anyway.

If he contacts you, tell him that you'll only allow future contact in a contact centre. Start the process if he does contact you - find your local centres, self-refer, etc. Just cos you've applied and they've accepted you doesn't mean you have to take the place.

Like you say, hopefully he will just stay away.

What is a position statement?? Should I do something with the texts on my phone or just write them down on a calendar, showing when he didnt turn up was late or lied and said he couldnt have him cos he was going out (a swingers party). It says in the profile that they party hard which means cocaine, I will not hand my child over to someone who thinks its acceptable to sleep with strangers and take coke in their spare time. My baby is so busy and fast you need to be on top form, I go to bed at 8pm sometimes in order to be wide awake and full of energy.

If he is hung over on drugs and drink anything could happen??

I had to hand DD over to someone who slept with strangers for money, and does coke...

Sorry. I'm just saying, as have others, that you need to prepare yourself for the fact that if it goes to court, then it's highly likely he'll get contact.

Anyway. IME people who do coke are extremely selfish, and they don't want a child around during the comedown. So hopefully he'll continue to stay away.

Get a diary - either online or physical - and make notes as to what happened when. In legal terms this is a chronology - eg 22/10/11 Pre-arranged contact from 10am till 2pm. Arrived 10:20, DS returned 1:30 pm. No contact to advise he would be late.

Don't spend too long on this, unless you find it helpful to get it out of your system, as if he still hasn't contacted you for further contact with DS, hopefully he is gone from your lives.

If this then gets as far as court, then for the hearing you'll need to file a position statement. This is where you say that you believe he does drugs, indulges in risky behaviour with strangers, to your knowledge has no contact with or interest in his other DC, etc, and that for the safety of your son contact should be at a contact centre and that if he wishes to have unsupervised access then he should be subjected to regular drug tests with minimal forewarning. You would then go on to set out what you've seen (with dates etc) that shows he does drugs etc.

You mention you changed your number - does he still have your email address? If he has no way of contacting you, he could try to use that against you in court. (Worst case scenario, of course. Hopefully, he's gone and not coming back)

Yes he has my email address, home number and address.....I just didn't want him constantly texting upsetting my everyday life.