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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Stopped access to ex

56 replies

catwoman1970 · 03/01/2012 12:52

I need advice on how to progress, I stopped access before Christmas due to my ex constantly letting me down and messing me around. The final straw was when I cancelled creche on the Monday cos he wanted the baby overnight to receive a text Sunday saying he couldn't have him as he was unwell (I found out later that his new gf was down and they were doing drugs on the Sunday). He has also been to a swinging club with his new gf and she has send me some abusive texts calling me allsorts.

In short I am not happy to make any further arrangements, I have said that he is to see the baby on his own or with his family and the baby is to stay at his home or his families but he refuses and says that I have no right to tell him what he can do!!

He has always been late picking baby up or doesnt turn up at all, baby is always returned dirty and clothes and toys missing......he will only have him on a week night, he keeps his weekends for partying!!

I am totally fed up at being messed around. I know nothing about this new girlfriend apart from the fact that she takes drugs and has been to a swinging party with him. He also has two kids which live abroad which he hardly has anything to do with and doesn't pay a penny to.

Any advice on how to sort out this mess

OP posts:

QueenofWhatever · 08/01/2012 19:08

OP, you have to separate your anger at your ex and your child's right to a relationship with their father. The baby does not belong to you I'm afraid.

Also how do you know he's regularly taking cocaine? Also you said you 'got into his Facebook page'. Do you mean you viewed his profile because his security settings are low or did you hack into it?

balia · 08/01/2012 19:28

The anger is certainly coming across very strongly and I do feel that the being 'messed around' in terms of regularity of contact is the secondary issue - OP's anger/concerns seem to mostly revolve around the ex having a life, partying, and having wild sex with his new girlfriend.

There isn't a real concern about the baby's welfare, because then she wouldn't have left him with the ex for an entire weekend 2 months ago. I'm betting he didn't have the new girlfriend then.

OP, in the kindest way, it is OK to be angry, hurt, whatever - but you can't lash out and deny your child contact with a parent on that basis.

solidgoldbrass · 08/01/2012 22:30

OP, you can make a reasonable offer of contact (which is generally once a week midweek and every other weekend) and if he doesn't turn up, he has to wait till next time. Repeated not-turning-up is going to count against him if he launches court action along the lines of 'waa, waa, bitch won't let me see my kids.' However, there is no legal action that can make him turn up on time and see DC when he is supposed to, so if he is not interested, just let it slide, though keep a record of all the times he was scheduled to visit and didn't so if, in 4/5 yea5rs time he suddenly decides he wants to be a dad and immediatley runs to a lawyer, you will be able to show that he had the opportunity and disregarded it.

Bossybritches22 · 10/01/2012 11:33

Agree with other posters, make an agreed plan, document EVERYTHING , and if he's as much a nob-head as he sounds he won't stick to it and you will be covered if he goes to a solicitor.

"Going to court" is to be avoided at all costs, it costs shedloads of money (legal aid isn't as freely available as it once was) and you may end up having to agree to something you REALLY don't want.

You cannot deny your DC access to Dad however much you want to, but if you play the game straight, he'll probably fall by the wayside.

It's so difficult but good luck.

Original poster

catwoman1970 · 10/01/2012 20:18

He got in touch today after a few weeks asked if he could have baby sun night!!! This is what caused murder last time is he just being thick or just winding me up

OP posts:

Bossybritches22 · 10/01/2012 20:52

....and your reply was......??

EllenandBump · 10/01/2012 22:54

To be honest i would say okay, but arrangements need to be made, such as what time he will pick the baby up,what time he plans to drop her back off and how he will contact you if she was to be taken poorly, state that because he is having her on sunday you have now made plans to visit friends and therefore he shouldnt let you down an you will not be staying all day. If he is going to be late for reasons beyond his control you expect an email or text message, buying a cheap phone for this with pay as you go sim may be useful, however if he gives your new number to his girlfriend and you get abusive texts you wil be changing your number and he will then only be able to contact you via e mail. Ask in future these visits be scheduled on a regular day at a regular time. Then you will know where you stand. A text message is not much to ask. x

Bossybritches22 · 10/01/2012 23:04

Excellent advice Ellen

OP I would add all of the above in writing as well, tell him you've sent him an email, so you have an electronic copy, but

"here is a hard copy too...."(handed over with gritted teeth a sweet smile)

Ask him for his alternative suggestions if he has any queries not that you'll agree to make him feel consulted.

My guess is once you get all official and organised on him he'll back off.

Emmielu · 12/01/2012 13:51

I think your best bet isnt to let him have the baby at his or families, why not have him come to you & spend hours with the baby? That way you can keep an eye on everything being that he cant be trusted at his place. As for his GF, show him the texts & just ask him politely if he could ask her to delete your number. DO NOT reply to her texts. She wants a reaction & you'll give it to her. DO NOT get involved in their relationship. Just make it clear to him that he sees the baby with you for a few months until things have settled then you will consider baby staying at his. However if there is drugs involved i wouldnt let the baby over his at all until i was sure no drugs were in the house or in his system.

Original poster

catwoman1970 · 14/01/2012 10:50

He had the baby a few hours on Friday I am trying to get on with him, he has also moved into a two bed flat so we will see. He hadnt feed the baby all day just crisps and milk, just lazy as. I said has nappy been changed he said yes 2 hours ago!!!

OP posts:

TheWisdomOfSolomum · 14/01/2012 11:19

OP I agree with Queen when she said " you have to separate your anger at your ex and your child's right to a relationship with their father." It is very difficult to have a clear picture of what is best for your baby when anger is clouding everything. I know this cos I've been there, and I still am to a certain extent. It's very difficult not to be angry when you are doing the best you can, and you're continually being met with lies, unreliability, abuse etc. You want the best for your child, just like I want the best for mine and IMO this doesn't involve being in the care of a drug taking, neglectful liar.

However if you dont have proof of this then it could look bad for you in court. Arrange a schedule, stick to it, go through a solicitor if necessary.

ATOmum · 15/01/2012 00:00

Check out www.maypole.org.uk for lots of really useful help on this, and research that you can use to support your case should it go to court. Personally, from what you've said I think you were right to stop contact, but a court will not look favourably on it - contrary to popular belief most courts are very pro-father in these situations (again check out Maypole Women for more info) - so make sure you have as much evidence as you can gather for all your reasons. I also don't think stopping contact for a while is the same as preventing your child having a relationship with their dad - if you don't see someone for a while it doesn't mean your relationship with them ends, even if you are a baby - you might have to work a little harder to pick up where you left off, but surely that's better than having a bad experience in that relationship that you then have to get over? (which is what it sounds like might happen at the moment) Children do have a right to have a relationship with both parents if they want it and its physically and psychologically safe for them to do so, but they shouldn't have a responsibility to have that relationship at the cost of their own welfare or happiness.
Good luck Catwoman, I think your instincts are spot on, even if not everyone sees it that way x

Original poster

catwoman1970 · 15/01/2012 09:35

Cheers guys, I have calmed down and am trying to get on with him now. He took the baby this morning so I can get on with stuff. If I feel its not right for him to have the baby no court in the world would make me hand him over sorry, the welfare of my child comes first. I would rather him grow up safe without a dad than have a shit one that lets him down all the time. Its easy now cos he dont understand, but come when he is 5 or 6 and his dad dont turn up as promised I will have to deal with all that upset and he deserves better than that I wont have him messed around by the prick lol

OP posts:

Bossybritches22 · 15/01/2012 15:07

catwoman I'm glad you are trying to get some working relationship with your ex, it's bloody difficult but it is worth it, for your DS. Also you never know having a strong father/son bond might help your ex get his act together and be a better dad ( we can live in hope eh?!)

I have to say though that your statement about the courts worries me a bit, if it came to that and your ex wanted to be arsey he has the right to fight for his son. If court awards him certain rights you would HAVE to hand him over despite your fears. (unless you have clear evidence that his drug taking ws endangering your DC) Therefore making the effort now like you are, is the best way of ensuring he doesn't go down that route.

You say he only gave your DC crisps and milk all day, but it occurred to me, he might not have a clue what to feed him or about changing nappies? Most young men wouldn't. I suggest you pop a few pots of whatever you feed him in his bag when he goes, with instructions on how to warm it , and advice on how long to leave a nappy on, might seem obvious to us! if he is a cocky sod he wouldn't ask would he? !

Original poster

catwoman1970 · 15/01/2012 19:48

He has two kids already in Oz, I always put two pots in his changing bag. He is 45 and knows what to do just lazy through and through. His new girlfriend has two children as well

OP posts:

EllenandBump · 15/01/2012 20:12

Well that is just being lazy then. I mean what mum knows how to change a nappy? None, we all have to learn, and how do we learn...by doing it! Surely sense tells you to buy some baby food, and where would baby food be...boots? at least it would have been something!

Bossybritches22 · 16/01/2012 10:30

Well FFS then as you say just pure bloody idle!

Make sure you keep a log of all these events, if you ever DO have cause to refuse him access (because you fear he is drugged up) then you will have a diary of evidence.

The fact he is older and has had kids puts a totally different slant on things.

EllenandBump · 16/01/2012 16:49

Did you manage to get it all written down so you know where you stand in regards of picking up/ dropping off times, etc?

Original poster

catwoman1970 · 17/01/2012 10:50

No I didnt get anything sorted regarding when he is seeing him, he is having him again Sunday. Will then have to sit down and work something out, he works shifts and nights so I never know when he is off he also lies and says he is doing overtime on his days off the rest of the time he recons he sleeps.....

OP posts:

Bossybritches22 · 17/01/2012 11:03

It's a nightmare with a shift working ex, I have that problem. We sit down every 3 months and do a dairy catch up re who is where & when. I used to send him an email as soon as I got home confirming the dates we'd put in our diaries so he couldn't dispute it later.

Things have got a lot better of late so we're a little more relaxed about things.

I think if you sat him down and said "right we need a routine if you are going to see DS" (even if it's a variable one because of shifts)

Set a time every week/month/ whatever you need for arranging & be firm that you expect it to be stuck to. Ground rules need to be established as you all ESPECIALLY your DS need to know where you are.

If he mucks you around, stay calm ask him to agree an alternative day and stick to that. If he keeps mucking you around and/or neglecting your son re feeds and nappies then if its all documented you have a better chance of getitng legal back up to deny access.

Oh & in this little book of notes make a record of any time he appears/you suspect he is under the influence.

Good luck, it is tough.

EllenandBump · 17/01/2012 13:05

Oh dear, so bloody difficult being seperated from an uncooperative ex- mine as well. Your child does need a routine. Its not unreasonable to ask what time he plans to pick up and drop off or to expect him to feed and change the baby properly. I admit i do sometimes give my little one a bag of crisps, BUT only ever as a SNACK, He always gets three proper meals a day and snacks in between if he seems hungry. My LO's nappy is always changed, but i am now leaving him in it for about 5 minutes to help him get used to feeling wetness etc, in preparation for potty training, but as a newborn, he was changed immediately, nappy rash is not nice, and he seemed so sensitive skinned (arent all babies). Maybe speaking to citizens advice might help, or going to a law centre, there are some out there that do offer advice for free. x

Original poster

catwoman1970 · 17/01/2012 19:10

I have texted him today asking if we can meet up with his rota and sort out access for the next few weeks no reply as yet

OP posts:

EllenandBump · 17/01/2012 19:29

Well done you. Its all very well now just fitting in but as the child gets older they will start to ask when am i going to see daddy again, and when they do you need an answer, like well daddy has to work but he will be seeing you on xxx, then there are no broken hearts.

Original poster

catwoman1970 · 02/02/2012 22:48

It was all getting back on track, he was having back Sat and Sun night I had made plans. I was cleaning out a cupboard earlier and I found a telephone bill from Sept 2010 a number stood out so I rung it, it was a gay sauna.....I told him he called me every name under the sun said I was a crazy stalker, sick in the head. I asked who was having baby the weekend, he said him and gf I don't even know her so long and short is he ain't having baby. This was the gf that was snorting coke with him 8am in the morning when he was supposed to have him.

I just don't feel right with it I said he can have him few hours in the day he said to shove it. I suspect he was taking him to her house which is an hour and half away, he doesn't have a safe baby seat so I won't let him take him on the motorway. Plus she has two kids my baby has to have his own room......I can't even sleep in there.

Just so fed up want to run away and hide take my savings and disappear, so I don't have to deal with htis horrible dirty man.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 02/02/2012 23:15

I don't see relevance of gay sauna in 2010 ? Is in past? Why bother mentioning it? Would he take the baby there ?

If the contact has been going well then not sure why it stopping ?

Of course he should not take him car without a car seat why does he not have one?

How can you k now what they were doing at 8 am were you there ?

Sorry but if you end up in court over this you will need to answer some of these. Questions ?

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