Stopped access to ex

[catwoman1970]

I need advice on how to progress, I stopped access before Christmas due to my ex constantly letting me down and messing me around. The final straw was when I cancelled creche on the Monday cos he wanted the baby overnight to receive a text Sunday saying he couldn't have him as he was unwell (I found out later that his new gf was down and they were doing drugs on the Sunday). He has also been to a swinging club with his new gf and she has send me some abusive texts calling me allsorts.

In short I am not happy to make any further arrangements, I have said that he is to see the baby on his own or with his family and the baby is to stay at his home or his families but he refuses and says that I have no right to tell him what he can do!!

He has always been late picking baby up or doesnt turn up at all, baby is always returned dirty and clothes and toys missing......he will only have him on a week night, he keeps his weekends for partying!!

I am totally fed up at being messed around. I know nothing about this new girlfriend apart from the fact that she takes drugs and has been to a swinging party with him. He also has two kids which live abroad which he hardly has anything to do with and doesn't pay a penny to.

Any advice on how to sort out this mess

Try to work out what you want for your DC. It is really important for kids to have a relationship with both parents and you are removing that right from your baby by withholding access.

Unfortunately for you, your ex is right in that you don't have the right to tell him what to do during his access time. He doesn't have the right to tell you who can see the baby or where you must stay either. It would be great if we could all get on with our exes though so we could have a sensible discussion like anyone would have with a childminder for example.

Ignore the texts from his GF and don't respond. If she is not dealing with organising contact then you don't need to have anything to do with her. Her lifestyle is also nothing to do with you. It's hard but even if your ex takes up with someone who disgusts you, unless there is any risk of danger to your DC, there is nothing you can do.

Like with any mess - sort it out into manageable chunks. Your first issue is the regularity of contact, which is a reasonable concern. Specially with very young children, contact should be regular and routine, 2 or 3 times a week, say, for a few hours. But no one rule has to apply. If the current situation is haphazard, a polite letter explaining that you want to establish a routine and inviting him to mediation would be fine. Obviously being let down is infuriating, but denying him contact with his child or holding the child hostage until he agrees with your conditions is controlling and bound to create hostility and conflict, absolutely the worst thing for your child. You may also need to lower your expectations a little - it is pretty normal for the odd toy/vest to go missing when a baby goes anywhere - we just left DS's favourite toy at DH's mother's!

And unless you have genuine concerns about the gf being a risk to your child, your ex is right - it is up to him how he chooses to spend his parenting time.

Firstly, work out some sort of back-up plan so you are not dependent on this man for childcare, which will stop him being able to dick you around.
Secondly, if you stop making arrangements for contact, do you think he will complain or take you to court, or is he the type that will just drift away and not bother? Maintenance is separate from contact so you will still be able to set the CSA on him if you need to. Thirdly, if you know he does drugs you can, if you choose, refuse to allow unsupervised contact unless he is drug-free.

Thanks guys, I don't want to stop him seeing the baby but by stopping him for a while he may realise he needs to be more responsible. I will not allow him over night stays tbh if he can't guarantee the baby will be kept at his house or his Mums. I will not let the baby stay at a random gf that he has picked up from the internet!!

I think I may let him apply through the court as at least they can decide and I will have to go along with it.

I have every sympathy for your situation, it must be difficult, but, you don't get to "allow" or "let" . Your baby has the right to a relationship with their father, and, as others have pointed out, unless your baby is in danger, (and you can prove that) you can't dictate what your ex does when he is looking after his child.
Imagine if that was the case, and he could tell you who you could socialise with, where you could go, and what you could spend your money on - you'd quite rightly be furious!

Have you really thought that through? Stopping contact 'for a while' is going to have 2 likely outcomes - either he will take you to court (not something I'd recommend and also you aren't going to look great - very easy for his solicitor to say you stopped contact out of jealousy because he got a new gf) or wjatever bond he has managed to make with the baby will break down and he won't bother. Is that really what you want for your DC?

And I'm really not sure about SGB's advice re the drugs - I know people get contact orders so long as they say they will stay drug free whilst the child is in their care.

Is this man asking to see his child, or is contact something you have to arrange and nag him to participate in. If it's the latter, you could just drop it (and keep a record of everything you did so if he later changes his mind he won't get very far if he takes you to court.) There is no point in chivvying a selfish, unreliable man to act like a father when doing so is stressful for you - there is a difference between blocking contact and refusing to jump through dozens of hoops for a man who doesn't turn up anyway.

Solidgoldbrass you have hit the nail on the head, he wants to see him on his terms but if something else comes up he cancels.....he turns up late every time always half asleep amd miserable.

He texted me at 4pm on New years Eve whinging about how much of a bitch I was stopping him seeing him on his birthday but he never actually asked to see him. He has messed me around from the start, if he has baby and I am at a friends he wont drop baby off there to me I have to be in my house.......I am seing somone I have known for 20 years he is threatning to beat him up all the time. I have it all on text.

I just think if we go through the courts then he cancels and messes me around I can notify them.

I'm sorry but if someone stopped me seeing the baby I would be camped outside begging and doing whatever I could to fix the situation not pisses me off even more and more. He needs to learn its isnt acceptable I am a busy Mum, work, busy hobby, rental houses I havent got time to wait around until he turns up

Look - I'm not saying he doesn't sound like a nob, but I am a bit worried that your idea of what the courts will/won't can/can't do isn't very accurate. Why not try posting on legal or asking for other people's experiences? Honestly, stopping contact because his new gf is a swinger isn't going to end well if it goes to court.

Balia: But she wants to stop contact because the nob keeps changing the arrangements and not turning up! That will play out OK in court.
Basically Catwoman, offer him a reasonable schedule for contact and say that this is when contact will happen. And if he doesn't turn up, he waits till next time. And keep a log of it all. As long as you have evidence that you have been reasonable, it is unlikely that a court will order you to indulge an unreasonable man. And it does sound as though this one is the sort of lazyarse that would rather whine in the pub about what a bitch you are than actually go to court anyway.

"this one is the sort of lazyarse that would rather whine in the pub about what a bitch you are than actually go to court anyway."

Just had to comment that this is exactly the type of bloke I am dealing with,ive got a thread in legal atm cos i dont really see any option other than mediation and/or court.He has never answered any letters to my sol ,yet gf phones me on NY day and calls me cruel,he aint made any attempt in 5mths to organise contact .Just posting here to say as long as you have your childs interest at heart then you cant go wrong IMO.I just want stability for my kids ,i truly want them to have a relationship with their father but the days of me chasing him to achieve this are over now ,in the end it is his business if he wants a relationship with his kids ,but that takes effort.One thing he told me when we first split was how much he was enjoying having a lie in and how that hadnt happened since the kids were born.LMFAO you couldnt make it up eh ?he wasnt being malicious he was just telling me the truth ,he didnt realise what a total selfish jerk he was .
Big hugs ,hope you get something sorted xxxx

SGB: the point I was trying to get over in my first post was that there seem to be a number of things the OP thinks are 'reasons' to stop contact or to insist on supervised/conditional contact. And a number of those 'reasons' are not reasonable. I agree with your suggestion of trying to get a schedule worked out (although I would have said an attempt to work out an agreed schedule would be a better starting place) but OP seems to be saying she'll stop contact because then the court will be in charge of the contact and if he messes her about she can 'notify them' to sort it. And we know it doesn't really work like that, right?

Firstly, take the texts to a solicitor and get them documented, secondly change your phone nuber and get a solicitor t write a letter to your ex to say all arrangements need to be made via email, you should open an email adddress exclusively for this as its easier to check and see if anything new is in. I think if he is taking drugs with a new girlfriend then he is not suitable to be looking after the child. How can you be? If i was you, i wouldnt send any toys with her, he is looking after her, and if he pays no maintenance then he should at least buy her toys to play with while with him. Legally you have no right to tell him what to do if there is a contact order in place. If there is no court orders done, then get them sorted. I am at a solicitors now regarding my child and am going on what other people have told me. x

Last night I got into his facebook page there are loads of pics of him off his face, out clubbing in London and Cardiff (I cant remember the last time I went out) staying in hotels (he pays through CSA but wont spend a penny more).

I just dont want anything to do with him, I dont think he is fit and totally takes the piss, messes me around mucks up my week.

If he went to court dont they agree with me and him when he sees baby and has to stick to them. And if he doesnt then in time can I just stop all contact.

He has abandoned two children in Oz and pays nothing for them, his exes are chasing him constantly, so he dont give a shit about our baby he just makes out he does.

I know I will have to explain all this to my boy when he is older but I really think its the best way before he gets to know him and also gets messed around by him as well

What's on his faceb

Oops, sorry..Facebook page is irrelevant. No on really posts loads of pictures on there of them sitting on the sofa watching telly alone or surfing the web or doing housework. We only ever put pictures of going out or having fun.

When I had a boyfriend, I stayed in hotels a lot, all free though, not that everyone would know that. I even joined an expensive gym (unfortunately ex was here and answered the phone when they called to say I'd left my card) but it was also free as I was mystery shopping. Not all displays of extravagance equal being loaded.

If you stop contact, your DC will always wonder what his father was like and will either take your word for things or form an idolised image of him.

Maybe try to work on improving the contact situation by fixing dates and times or asking someone neutral to help.

Well he works nights and says he cant have baby cos he is tired or working but seems to be out all the time on fb......he is a mega liar. The hotel wasnt free he was there will fellow coke taking friends!!!

I have had one weekend off back in Nov (I was working) he said that he jumped through hoops to have the baby that weekend.

I wont jump to his tune sorry. And wont be contacting him the guy is a total prick, he steals and lies, is a dirty sex addict, picks up all sorts off sex sites. Not fit for my baby sorry

At the risk of repeating myself....none of that makes any difference. Your baby is still entitled to a relationship with their father.

Absolutly, set a schedule of contact -either through the courts or by yourselves but do it. if he doesn't stick to it, that is his problem, but have it in writing what you have agreed.
My DS is now 15, his dad and I split when he was 10months. The first year he saw him quite regularly, but when I moved a bit further away and he started a job, arrangements were not rescheduled. A year later his Dad had seen him once (not that he was asking, but i had made it clear only to contact me via the soliciter so it wasn't 'easy' to communicate) and then I moved away for work, reasoning that as he hadn't seen him other than when his mum had organised that one time, he didn't want to see him. I also had a new partner by that time.

DS asked occasional questions, I answered as honestly as I could without slagging his dad off. In 4 years ExP asked to see him once, and it didn't come to anything.

We moved agan when DS was 8, to within 70miles of where ex stayed. ExP asked to see him once, (now 7 years ago) it came to nothing. In the last 7 years we have increased contact with ex's family and see them every couple of months.

I split with 'new' partner a year ago (12 years and 2 more DC's down the line) ExStepDad wants nothing to do with DS, and as a result DS gone looking for his Dad. They are friends on Facebook, but as far as I can tell actual contact between them is very minimal, and DS feels double rejection all over again.

I really really wish that I had persued ExP more in that second year to get a contact schedule, because even if it had not happened and I suspect it would have fizzled out, I would know I had tried my best, and could perhaps have softened the rejection he is feeling now. As a teen those feelings are so much more intense than they would have been at 3 or 4! Also, if i had written proof of an agreement that ExP had not stuck to, it would be easier to show DS that it is not him that is the problem and unlike-able (as he has told me he feels) but his Dad being consitently unreliable for years - and also not me stopping his dad from seeing him either!

But I didn't because my ex is an arse, and I didn't want to deal with him or have anything to do with him and he was unreliable and never paid maintenance, I thought it was the right thing to do then. Hind sight is a wonderful thing.

Unfortuately, i never got to get an image of my father only what i have learnt over the years. He passed away when i was 15months. No ones fault. Cancer of the throat killed him so just damned bad luck. I never got to know my dad and i feel i have turned out okay. I know he would never have been around as he was a long distance lorry driver, and that he lived quite far away from us and he was married but dont know circumstances there either. She must have known about mum and as as it was my mum that nursed him, here before he got too ill and had to be put in a hospice. I dont think i have missed out on much now but when i was young i always felt left out to be "the one with no dad", x

Op.... Have you thought about mediation?

Also, can you actually afford court?

Sorry, hadn't finished, meant to say, lots of people think court will be free and will solve everything. It's nit free and can cause more problems

From what you say, it's the drug habit which is likely to concern the court. Possibly the not turning up/being late, but even with a court order, he can't be made to turn up. And you would still have to hand dc over the next time

You can't just without for a while to make him think about it either!!

There is legal aid, but i have only been given 5 hours after that you need to apply for a full public funding order. Which i believe the solicitor does for you. Hopefully it will stay out of court. I am waiting to hear what my ex is going to do,accept contact via a contact centre or go to court. The latter being more likely. x

Op works Ellen, so with new criteria she is unlikely to get any legal aid

Thought it depended on income? Doesnt seem fair when others arent entitled to help and i am. There are law centres and cab that can give you free advice and advise though surely? I know Citizens advice is still free but not sure about law centres. x