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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Single dad first Xmas without my son! Any advice please!

68 replies

poopeeplops · 18/12/2011 14:21

Hi it's my first time on here I'm a new single dad with a devious ex and she has done everything to make sure I Can't see my son, I'm in court at the moment to get access but it was denied as she said I was dangerous despite never touching a hair on my sons head and I have no aggressive streak! I'm struggling to cope with Christmas and how to get to grips with just not seeing my son, I have to wait til march for a court case again to look at whether I can get access!! Any advice on first Christmas without my son and how to cope with this situation please help!!

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 19/12/2011 11:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snorbs · 19/12/2011 11:55

I agree with the recommendation to get in touch with Families Need Fathers. They're a good bunch and they can offer some solid advice.

As for how to deal with Christmas Day itself, try to be with family and/or friends. If that's not possible then volunteer to help out somewhere. Homeless shelters, old people's homes etc could all do with some extra hands. Keep busy and don't just stay at home on your own. If nothing else, get out into the fresh air and go for a long walk.

Snorbs · 19/12/2011 11:59

JuliaScurr, from the point of view of many separated fathers CAFCASS can seem biassed against men.The vast majority of child residency cases end up with the children living primarily with their mother regardless of her conduct.

Of course, from the point of view of many separated mothers then CAFCASS can seem biassed against women because regardless ofhis conduct, CAFCASS very rarely recommend that a father has no contact whatsoever with his child(ren).

It's one of those perspective things.

JuliaScurr · 19/12/2011 12:23

Families need fathers. Remind me, were they the people who did nothing to get EU provisiion of paternity leave enforced? Who encouraged absent fathers to maintain contact with their dcs? Or who advised on how to avoid CSA payments?

ElfenorRathbone · 19/12/2011 12:27

They also encouraged absent fathers to use a bit of threatening language and force in the early days JS. A little bit of slapping around would encourage a recalcitrant RP to co-operate better...

Needless to say, they've purged all that language from their discourse now, because they realised it looked shocking to outsiders looking in. Whether they've purged the attitudes behind the language, I don't know, to be fair to them I think they have and the more extreme people who went in for that, went off to join F4J.

ElfenorRathbone · 19/12/2011 12:28

but interestingly, government and the media still engaged with them, when they were using that language.

We really have a long way to go with regards to DV.

Snorbs · 19/12/2011 12:43

Families need fathers. Remind me, were they the people who did nothing to get EU provisiion of paternity leave enforced?
No idea. I know they were involved in the discussions regarding increased paternity leave in the UK but whether that extended to lobbying the EU I couldn't tell you.

Who encouraged absent fathers to maintain contact with their dcs?
Absolutely yes.

Or who advised on how to avoid CSA payments?
Not that I've seen. It's been a while since I was actively involved but while I was, I never saw anyone encourage anyone else to avoid CSA payments. There was a lot of complaints about how crap the CSA was but that's hardly surprising as the CSA is crap (and I say that as the recipient of maintenance payments via the CSA).

They also encouraged absent fathers to use a bit of threatening language and force in the early days JS. A little bit of slapping around would encourage a recalcitrant RP to co-operate better...
Really? Really truly really? Got any evidence of that? Because I've never seen, or heard, anything like that and it is totally at odds to the people I knew there from a few years back. General FNF advice is for the NRP to keep his (or her, as they'll happily offer advice to mothers as well) nose cleaner than clean and not to give the slightest excuse to anyone to block contact.

Original poster
poopeeplops · 19/12/2011 12:56

Thank u to those answers reassuring me I'm not alone in not having much faith in the system, I have nor will never play that game of who did wot I just want time with my boy! Thank u

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 19/12/2011 13:04

Poopeloops I think you need to play the game as far as court goers though, you want to see your child you have to work with the system. It may be unfair but your child comes first. Have the rape allegations been dropped or are they still ongoing?

Original poster
poopeeplops · 19/12/2011 13:11

The day she said it allegedly happened I was working and had CCTV confirming this so it was dropped and they r investigating her for wasting their time, I'm doing everything calmly, through my solicitors, ignoring the abusive calls and logging them when they happen, I record her when she threatens things so I'm doing all I know I just don't understand how it canbe fair that a child is better off without seeing me as I I'm still happy to just see him every other weekend and regular time with him, she's very unstable and I can't reason with her, I'm so drained if all the attempts so I now just have to wait a further 3montha til my next court date wher ther is still not definitive answer of will I get to seemy son, I will also miss his 3rdbirthday I never meant for it to get this far I just knew staying in a relationship with a bad atmosphere was not good for our son

OP posts:
YuleingFanjo · 19/12/2011 13:17

How is your child after his seizures?

YuleingFanjo · 19/12/2011 13:20

Actually - are you using your wife's log-in?
Someone has posted several times using this log-in but as a woman. It's not possible for two people to have the same username is it?

Original poster
poopeeplops · 19/12/2011 13:26

I'm his new partner as he's not listed but he is with me when writing this, my son is fine as if nothing happened! Little menaces they are, I just thought if I could get some advice from you guys formy partner it could maybe help. I use this site a lot and just thought I'd try for him to get some help but found out through this there are specific sites for dads to talk to eachother

OP posts:
nkf · 19/12/2011 13:30

Re: Christmas. Two options really. Keep as busy as possible. Or pull the duvet over your head and wait for the days to pass. The other stuff - you are already in the court process and it is painfully slow but, hopefully, will get there in the end. Good luck.

Original poster
poopeeplops · 19/12/2011 13:34

Thank

OP posts:
Iwasonlyasking · 19/12/2011 13:38

'They also encouraged absent fathers to use a bit of threatening language and force in the early days JS. A little bit of slapping around would encourage a recalcitrant RP to co-operate better...'

Are you confusing FNF with someone else?

ElfenorRathbone · 19/12/2011 14:29

No I'm not.

I know they don't do that anymore. But I remember them in the early days and believe me, they DID use this language and they did have these attitudes. To be fair to them, it was in the VERY early days when they were a fairly new outift, and they dropped them pretty damned quick when they realised how shit it would make them look to the outside world and quickly adopted a touchy feely we would never support violence stance so you won't find any evidence of it anymore on websites or anywhere else. And as I say, I think that's why a section of their membership no longer felt comfortable there and left to join more extremist organisations.

AmorYCohetes · 19/12/2011 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iwasonlyasking · 19/12/2011 15:06

So this was from when they were founded in 1974?
Around that time?

Here's a link to their first article.

www.fnf.org.uk/about-us/the-first-article

So behind the scenes they were advocating slapping around their ex partner?

ElfenorRathbone · 19/12/2011 15:41

No this was in the eighties.

I just remember the rows on the radio about it.

Snorbs · 19/12/2011 16:07

So your "FNF encouraged fathers to threaten their exes and give them a bit of a slapping around" smear statement is based on something you heard on the radio nearly 30 years ago.

Well, that seems pretty incontrovertible then... Hmm

ChocHobNob · 19/12/2011 16:18

Well I disagree with you. I believe it is true. You are talking about one instance in how many? And that person was a troll. This one isn't.

There were no "holes" in the OPs story. It isn't unheard of for Fathers' contact to be stopped while the slow process of court is happening, especially following false accusations. They no doubt know that the party who made the allegation wont be able to amicably facilitate contact in the child's interests, whilst the issue hasn't been resolved.

There isn't a one size fits all approach, which is why some parents who have been accused of abusive behaviour do continue to have contact.

I hope your partner finds the strength to sit out these few months and the matter is resolved as soon as possible for the child.

I also have had contact with FNF (hence the recommendation) and have never encountered evidence of them helping NRPs to evade child support or suggesting the use of heavy handed tactics to "get at" the RP. They have provided pro-bono legal advice and a supportive ear for people going through the court process and their bottom line has always been act in the child's best interests and don't step out of line.

MrGingleBells · 19/12/2011 17:11

Got to say I agree with ChocHobNob regarding how men are generally treated here by a small minority when they turn up with a problem. And it's not speculation it's an observation. Pretty sad really.

OP I hope you get it sorted out asap. I have a difficult XP who feels it's her right to decide when I see my own daughter but I do at least get to see her. Hang in there, keep doing the right thing for your son.

thunderboltsandlightning · 19/12/2011 20:22

Hang on, the OP is a woman supporting a guy who was accused of rape of his previous partner. What on earth?

NotJustForClassic · 19/12/2011 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.