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Original poster

Single dad first Xmas without my son! Any advice please!

68 replies

poopeeplops · 18/12/2011 14:21

Hi it's my first time on here I'm a new single dad with a devious ex and she has done everything to make sure I Can't see my son, I'm in court at the moment to get access but it was denied as she said I was dangerous despite never touching a hair on my sons head and I have no aggressive streak! I'm struggling to cope with Christmas and how to get to grips with just not seeing my son, I have to wait til march for a court case again to look at whether I can get access!! Any advice on first Christmas without my son and how to cope with this situation please help!!

OP posts:
MamaMaiasaura · 18/12/2011 14:23

Have you got family you can be around? Write him a card and wrap pressie for him to have. How old is he? Sorry to read this

Wittsend13 · 18/12/2011 17:42

Did your ex have any evidence to support you being classed as dangerous? I only ask as my ex told a court I wasn't where I said I was and that I have been made to prove everything on everything yet he can say whatever he feels like and doesn't have to give evidence to back up his claims.

If she doesn't have evidence how can a judge deem you dangerous and stop contact? I'm only asking as it seems odd they would make a judgement without sufficient evidence. Not trying to imply you're wrong or right here I'm just curious to know as I'm new with the whole legal system and still trying to figure it out.

Sorry to hear you can't see your son. Sounds horrid.

StewieGriffinsMom · 18/12/2011 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cestlavielife · 18/12/2011 22:55

Why didnt they order contact centre if there were allegations of aggression?
No contact at all is extreme. Also with my ex cafcass organised a supervised just before Xmas supervised session to exchange gifts
Can you not get a supervised session organised just before or after Xmas ?

Original poster
poopeeplops · 19/12/2011 07:32

My wife falsely accused me of rape and because of this they deemed it best for my son to not be unsupervised but nothing was said about contact centre and I have chased them every week for 14 weeks asking for when I can see my son, I'm no longer allowed to contact the mother due to what has happened despite numerous phone calls daily asking for me back and screaming I don't do enough for my son! I pay csa and she has had a payout from my work of over 5k!! She is still saying its not enough! I just want amicable access to my son and she is doing everything possible to stop this!

OP posts:
Original poster
poopeeplops · 19/12/2011 07:34

I have to wait a further 3 months until a possible court slot to reacess my case, it will be nearly 3 months since I have seen him and I'm struggling wot more can I do to try and see him! Carcass have been very unhelpful and slack with moving forward With the case I was told once the charge of rape was dropped I would have access to my son this however never happened and I'm still fighting to see him!

OP posts:
mumblecrumble · 19/12/2011 07:50

Sorry to hear poopeeplops, perhaps plan to be around friends and family. How old is your son?

StewieGriffinsMom · 19/12/2011 07:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zookeeper · 19/12/2011 07:55

so the court just ordered no contact for three months then there will be a hearing to reassess? Are investigations being carried out or have any reports been ordered? How can the court reassess if there is nothing new to assess?

zookeeper · 19/12/2011 08:00

normally a court would order supervised contact pending further investigations into any allegations of violence. Have you got a solicitor who could suggest something. why are you contacting Cafcass weekly?

DontCallMeFrothyDragon · 19/12/2011 08:06

What SGM said.

False rape accusations = less than 6%

Dropping the case does not mean the claim was false.

Cafcass are hardly the most Anti Men Organisation. I've known convicted paedophiles to get access to their DC through Cafcass. I''ve known abusive men to be granted access.

While your exWife isn't here to tell us you're talking out of your arse, I'm more than willing to say I'm taking what you say with a pinch of salt, if you're looking at painting your wife as the devil in disguise.

As to dealing with Christmas without your DS, just make sure you keep yourself busy. Do you have family or friends nearby you can spend it with?

Original poster
poopeeplops · 19/12/2011 08:11

This is why I wanted to talk to men and not woman to get their opinion, I can believe wot u like but my wife is wot she is and has done wot she has done and I'm just telling you wot I have been told by cafcass and my solicitor, I merely wanted some advice on a seriously bad break up and how I can just get time with my son and if any of u had any advice, I am the 6% of a false allegation dontcaallmefrothydragon, but thanks for ur advice!!!!! I was told supervised access would be sorted but been pushed from person to person to sort it out and nothing has happened so my personal experience has been bad!

OP posts:
AmorYCohetes · 19/12/2011 08:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
poopeeplops · 19/12/2011 08:22

My case is an extreme case and I was hoping I would be able to talk to other people that have been in an extreme break up, I was recommended this site to help me and actually none of u have believed what I have said or given me chance to talk through things apart from mumble crumble and awenThank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
poopeeplops · 19/12/2011 08:24

If you actually read this site properly it has a section for dads net through this section!! Maybe u shouldnt be so judgemental as I suspect ur very closed minded!! I thought this was a support network!! Kudos to u for being supportive!

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DontCallMeFrothyDragon · 19/12/2011 08:25

Like we said... less than 6% of all rape claims are false. Cafcass wouldn't be taking it seriously if they didn't believe it.

You'd also be suprised the number of rapists who don't believe they are guilty of rape.

MudAndGlitter · 19/12/2011 08:27

DP was accused by his XP of abusing DSD and cafcass were useless tbh. She eventually admitted she made it up or in her words assumed the worst because of DSD having a urine infection. Social services didn't believe her. In the end DSD went back to live with her mum as cafcass decided that girls need to live with their mother.
Her mother has left DSD with us for weeks at a time then takes her back again whenever we go to switch the tax credits and child benefit yet cafcass still ruled in her favour.

cera1980 · 19/12/2011 08:30

Hey,

I've dealt with cafcass from both sides, firstly my step daughter made an allegation against her mothers new partner and we took her and her sister into our care whilst it was being dealt with. During this time the mother remained with her partner meaning that the children could not be returned to her care, but ss and cafcass did EVERYTHING they old to ensure contact was maintained between the girls and their mum. Fast forward a few months and dsd suddenly decided that she had made it all up (insert cynical emoticon, nothing to do with mummy crying about how much she missed them and pnt all her time alone cying when they were with us) and now she hated her dad and refused to see him. Cafcass sorted counselling to 'fix' the relationship between dsd and mums new partner, whereas my OH hasn't seen his daughter since last September as they 'can't force dsd to see him if it's not what she wants', there's nothing offered to help him see her and we can't afford another £17k to fight through he courts again.

I have had dealings with them with regards to my daughters, and I have to say that they were fabulous with me, and certainly not so with my ex (although I do believe that they were right in this instance).

As for Christmas, all I can suggest is making sure you're surrounded by people as much as possible, I'm sure you won't feel like it, but it's got o be better than being miserable alone. Buy gifts for your boy, I'm not sure of his age, but if he's old enough to understand ask cafcass to make sure he receives the gifts, if he's not then save them fo when you do see him. I would be pushing them to try and sort out some sort of supervised contact if at all possible, and if you have a solicitor get on at them as you are paying them for a service.

Original poster
poopeeplops · 19/12/2011 08:33

Thank you whittsens13 as well to those of u I have set up a trust fund also for him, broug Xmas present for wen I can get them to him

OP posts:
MudAndGlitter · 19/12/2011 08:33

I think the court system is sadly biased towards mothers. The amount of types we went back and forth to court gave DP a breakdown and the vile stuff his XP was saying makes you wonder why she would leave DSD with us whenever she got bored of parenting tbh.

As for Christmas I would surround myself with distractions. Or get very drink.

ChocHobNob · 19/12/2011 10:19

poopeeplops, try googling Families Need Fathers and attend a local group if you can, they can provide support.

It's quite sad to see that a man can not receive unquestioned support on here. When a woman posts stating that she was treated badly by her ex, the standard response isn't "well without evidence we can't really offer support and we only have your side of the story".

MamaMaiasaura · 19/12/2011 10:38

The family court system is so flawed and CAFCASS shambolic. The training received by GAL is limited and the secrecy of the court system prevents accountability. The reliance on expert witnesses is also questionable.

OP - I don't know for one second wether your situation is of your own doing but best advice I can give is to always put child needs first no matter how difficult it's for you. Do not ever bad mouth your ex in child's presence and remain positive influence.

ElfenorRathbone · 19/12/2011 11:08

Cafcass regularly give sole contact, let alone supervised contact, to fathers with a history of DV.

So it is absolutely reasonable of people to be sceptical about this OP

Having said that, there are people who fall through the net and maybe this OP is one of them. I can only re-iterate what Awen said: Always put your child's interest first, don't emotionally abuse your child by bad-mouthing his mother in front of him, make sure you continue to financially support him and if you are offered supervised contact in March, take it. And be honest.

JuliaScurr · 19/12/2011 11:21

'Sadly biased towards mothers' Hmm CSA? Mediation advised after non-molestation order? % fathers who lose touch with dc's after divorce? Contact after violence?

Riakin · 19/12/2011 11:36

Goto www.dadtalk.co.uk and post on legal eagle forums. It's a website by dads for dads and they give lots of good solid and honest advice