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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Be gentle please I don't know what to do and I know it sounds petty

68 replies

fluffystabby · 20/11/2011 09:00

I am due to have my girls next weekend. I had tentative plans to do something

. But the ex texted yesterday and said it's his niece's baptism - he'd like the girls to go to the Church service and there's a family meal after.

Actually, I like his youngest brother and wife, they are as normal as it gets in that family and out of the whole crew of them they are the only ones never to have been nasty to me - his SIL is a lovely girl and I wouldn't want to upset her for anything.

Plus, I know the girls want to go and see DN getting baptised, and I understand completely that he wants them at such a family occasion.

So I am prepared to change my plans, suck it up, and let him have the girls for the day so they can go. (Obviously he doesn't know I'm changing plans to accommodate him but I am nevertheless)

But the problem is CLOTHES. All the girl's decent clothes end up up at his house and I have great difficulty getting them back. Usually because of exactly situations like this, where I send them dressed appropriately for some family dinner or event from my house, and they then go on to school from his on the Monday morning (he has the girls on a Sunday night as I have uni first thing on Mondays and he takes them to school which means the girls come to me in uniform iyswim and the clothes are left up the road)

I am considering phoning him this morning and telling him that I need the clothes back to dress the girls appropriately next Sunday or they don't go to the Baptism?

He will make a whole song and dance and be angry about it, and say the clothes are theirs and I am being ridiculous blah blah blah and I'll probably end up in tears. I normally would just buy the girls another outfit to wear but I really can't afford to keep doing that and I don't see why I should have to .
What do you all think?

I would post in AIBU but I don't want a pasting.

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 20/11/2011 09:18

Just send them in usual clothes and surely they can get changed at his house. Solves the problem in the short term and then get them to put their clothes in their school bag so can bring home on the monday pm.

Original poster

fluffystabby · 20/11/2011 09:20

Rainbow - that would work but he was planning to pick them up here on the way through as he passes here on his way iyswim?

Problem with putting stuff in school bags / other bags to go to school is that he won't let them he doesn't like it he doesn't want his children carrying stuff like urchins from house to house. (his words not mine)

OP posts:

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 20/11/2011 09:24

Call him and tell him to bring appropriate clothes from HIS house for the girls to change into at yours. If he kicks off tell him that all the girls 'going out' clothes are at his house so he needs to bring them for them to wear - other wise they will look like Urchins!

Or tell him he needs to buy the girls something new as they have had a growth spurt.

Dont make it personal, just keep calm, state your point and keep stating it until he gets the message.

BertieBotts · 20/11/2011 09:29

He's being ridiculous. Surely he could drop the clothes off himself if it means that much to him? Or drop a bag off when he picks them up on a Saturday?

Plus I think it might help if you started being stronger about boundaries - he can't keep changing arrangements at such short notice, he must have known about this Christening for months, he should have asked then. I would let this one go if he's already told them, but you should tell him in future you want at least a month's notice to change any arrangements and that you need some of the nice clothes back. In fact I'd go so far to say if he wants to keep clothes at his house, he should buy them. You shouldn't have to be making "tentative" plans either - that's really sad :( you should be able to arrange to do stuff and not be worrying whether the ex is going to rearrange his weekend just to get in the way of that.

Sorry, hope I don't come across as too bossy - I'm angry at the way he is behaving, not you.

Original poster

fluffystabby · 20/11/2011 09:32

JAx - that's exactly what I intend to do but I'm not looking forward to the phone call. I may bottle it and email instead.

Bertie that's exactly how I feel you're not being bossy.

I said to my friend last night that he's bound to have known about this Christening for months and months they don't get organised with a week's notice.

And I had plans which the kids would have liked but at the same time I'm not a bitch and I wouldn't want them to feel like they missed out iyswim?

I've suggested a million times that he buys clothes for his house, or if he doesn't want to do that if he gives me the money I'll take the kids out and buy the clothes for his house but he doesn't want to do that.

OP posts:

SuePurblybiltbyElves · 20/11/2011 09:33

Either he drops them back or buys something for them. If they have suitable clothes, you don't need to buy more.

Keep calm, don't apologise, just keep repeating how it's going to be. Ignore the comments he will make and just keep saying something like 'I'm happy to change our agreed plans for you. Please make sure you drop the girl's clothes back to me this week so I can have them dressed and ready'

If you apologise or make excuses or offer to meet him or something, he'll use that to get in a dig or manipulate you. Be strong

Original poster

fluffystabby · 20/11/2011 09:35

Oh and on his weekend, he picks them up from school on the Friday and drops them to school Monday morning so they only should really go back and forward in uniform iyswim? Except that he has them every Sunday night "for me" as I have uni on a Monday and need to leave by 7.30am, so what happens is that I send them in half decent clothes which then stay at his, as I get them back in uniform (does that make sense)

WRT really posh clothes, they only have 2 or 3 sets of super posh clothes (as they don't need them generally) and between family weddings/so-and-so's birthday and stuff they are all at the ex's house

OP posts:

Original poster

fluffystabby · 20/11/2011 09:38

Sue - x-posts That's what I'll have to do but he shouts and rants and I end up bursting into tears pathetic I know

OP posts:

Original poster

fluffystabby · 20/11/2011 09:41

Would it be bottling it to text or email him?

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SuePurblybiltbyElves · 20/11/2011 09:46

Oh, I know but not pathetic, understandable. I think I've seen your posts before about the school uniform thing.

I think you're going to have to accept that he is going to make trouble whatever you do. He's a knob - but then, he's an Ex so it's not all bad . So you'll just have to find a way to get round this yourself - not much point waiting for him to become reasonable and nice.

This could be a good time to put your foot down. He wants them to go, he brings you the clothes- maybe suggest you need to wash and iron them, that might appeal to him.

The trouble is (I am guessing) that you would hate the girls to go in crap clothes because of how it would make them feel and how you think it will reflect on you. He knows that and he is also capable (guessing still) of taking them in crap clothes so that he can tell everyone that, despite the amount he pays in child support, you can't clothe them decently. Am I right?

If it is that then you'll have to try to think it through without emotion. Until he sees that you don't care, that this isn't something he can use to manipulate you, it will keep happening. Foot down time - it's up to him. Either he drops off the nice clothes or they go in casual or school uniform. Ignore the ranting and keep repeating your position, over and over.

Easier said that done though, I know. Good luck.

SuePurblybiltbyElves · 20/11/2011 09:48

x posted again

I hate texting and avoid emails unless I want a written record. You'd have to be very careful with your wording.

Maybe a brief email/text and ask him to ring you if there's a problem? It's up to you, only you know how hard you find the conversations in person.

Original poster

fluffystabby · 20/11/2011 09:53

Sue - apart from the amount of child maintenance you're spot on. The conversation will be that I am incapable of sending them in decent clothes.

But yes, I'm going to do the broken record thing of "either you send decent clothes or they will go in whatever"

The other thing is, at the end of the day, it's my weekend and I'm giving up my time with the girls and my plans are being ruined because it's his DN baptism and he has no appreciation of that iyswim? I could have said no the girls are with me tough. But I didn't and I wouldn't. Which he knows and takes advantage of

OP posts:

SuePurblybiltbyElves · 20/11/2011 09:54

Does he not pay then?

Original poster

fluffystabby · 20/11/2011 09:55

No. I've said before - self unemployed, very good accountant.

It wouldn't be worth the hassle to chase him

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Original poster

fluffystabby · 20/11/2011 09:56

And that's what I get the child benefit for don'tcha know.

Don't go there it's a constant irritant. But at least at the end of the day he keeps them evenings/mornings so I can go to uni and I'm not having to pay for childcare, which would eat up any maintenance I got anyway iyswim?

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SuePurblybiltbyElves · 20/11/2011 10:01

you'd get most childcare costs paid as a FT HE student Not going there, see?

Yes, clearly CB is for party dresses , what an eejit. I remember you now.

Good luck

Original poster

fluffystabby · 20/11/2011 10:02

LOL

Thanks

Now, do I ring him now or later ....

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 20/11/2011 10:03

Have you considered getting the school on board with this. Could they not take a large carrier bag to his house, fill it with clothes and leave in the school office on arrival at school on Monday morning. It could be done discretely and the other kids don't need to know.

I really think they are old enough to remember and take responsibility for doing this themselves.

I would also tell him they will be dressed in their school uniforms for the christening if he doesn't get the clothes over to you in time.

Do it by email.

Also - this is a good opportunity to tell the girls that if they don't get organised with bringing clothes to school on Monday mornings, they will end up with nothing to wear.

BecauseImWorthIt · 20/11/2011 10:04

TBH, I wouldn't make an issue of this at all (in this instance - I get that it's an ongoing thing re clothes).

He's taking them to the Christening, his responsibility to get them dressed suitably for it.

Leave it up to him.

Acanthus · 20/11/2011 10:05

I've seen a few of your threads fluffy and I think your need for him to have the children while you go to uni contributes greatly to the weak boundaries around contact. He pushes things constantly and you really need to step back and employ the broken record technique, but this makes it hard for you as you can't manage without him at the moment, because you rely on him to be able to get to uni. I hope things can change when you finish your course.

In this situation, really it is a non issue. He has the clothes that the girls need to wear, he is taking them out, no problem. But he makes it a problem every time. Definitely a time for the broken record technique - yes they can come, but their clothes are at your housed.

Original poster

fluffystabby · 20/11/2011 10:12

3littlefrogs - he will not let them leave his house with carrier bags or sports bags or anything else containing clothes. Nor will he let them leave a bag of clothes at his house for me to collect. Nor will he drop stuff to mine without a whole song and dance. Trust me, I have tried. And they do end up with nothing to wear and they do end up in tears over it. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, numerous times.

BIWI - you're spot on.

Acanthus - again, you're spot on.

I'm going to ring him now and get it over and done with and employ the broken record technique "I don't have clothes here you need to send them"

I almost wish I'd said no I have plans but then the kids would miss out and they're very fond of their wee cousin.

Wish me luck

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Original poster

fluffystabby · 20/11/2011 10:35

Phoned him

didn't cry.

Just kept it to "if you want them dressed in a way you will be happy with you need to send their clothes as there are none here"

He will do his best.

I also said that at the end of the day being flexible is all very well but I'd like a bit more notice of things, as I had plans for next weekend. He didn't realise I had plans, as the girls hadn't mentioned anything. So I pointed out that they hadn't mentioned the baptism either and that sometimes I like to organise things on my weekend that are a surprise.

This seemed to be news to him, that I could want to plan pleasant things as a surprise for me and the girls.

but he has taken my comments on board (WTF?)

OP posts:

SuePurblybiltbyElves · 20/11/2011 10:36

Yay. Hope 'his best' means he will do it!

Good for you.

3littlefrogs · 20/11/2011 10:40

He really is a piece of work isn't he.

How old is your elder dd?

when does your uni course finish?

Original poster

fluffystabby · 20/11/2011 10:42

Well, as a back up have texted DD1 and told her to sort the clothes for the baptism told her "not leggings and shorts" it needs to be a dress and she came back with "would what we wore to x's wedding be ok?" I said it would, so here's hoping

He did say that he understood about the clothes, that he was behind with the washing and he'd sort some clothes out and I could collect them when I get the outfits for the wedding (and yes it means me going up there to get them but it would be worth it to get the stuff back)

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