Be gentle please I don't know what to do and I know it sounds petty

[fluffystabby]

I am due to have my girls next weekend. I had tentative plans to do something

. But the ex texted yesterday and said it's his niece's baptism - he'd like the girls to go to the Church service and there's a family meal after.

Actually, I like his youngest brother and wife, they are as normal as it gets in that family and out of the whole crew of them they are the only ones never to have been nasty to me - his SIL is a lovely girl and I wouldn't want to upset her for anything.

Plus, I know the girls want to go and see DN getting baptised, and I understand completely that he wants them at such a family occasion.

So I am prepared to change my plans, suck it up, and let him have the girls for the day so they can go. (Obviously he doesn't know I'm changing plans to accommodate him but I am nevertheless)

But the problem is CLOTHES. All the girl's decent clothes end up up at his house and I have great difficulty getting them back. Usually because of exactly situations like this, where I send them dressed appropriately for some family dinner or event from my house, and they then go on to school from his on the Monday morning (he has the girls on a Sunday night as I have uni first thing on Mondays and he takes them to school which means the girls come to me in uniform iyswim and the clothes are left up the road)

I am considering phoning him this morning and telling him that I need the clothes back to dress the girls appropriately next Sunday or they don't go to the Baptism?

He will make a whole song and dance and be angry about it, and say the clothes are theirs and I am being ridiculous blah blah blah and I'll probably end up in tears. I normally would just buy the girls another outfit to wear but I really can't afford to keep doing that and I don't see why I should have to .
What do you all think?

I would post in AIBU but I don't want a pasting.

DD1 is 13, uni course finishes June 2013 (if I ever get there don't mention coursework atm )

I have slowly weeded out most of the totally crap clothes so hopefully what I get back will be half decent (not posh just not holes in the knees and utterly scadded you know?)

well done fluffy

Now you have done that you can enjoy the rest of your Sunday.

Ah - well you could say something along the lines of you being more than happy to deal with the washing and ironing, but obviously must have clothes back. I know it is more work for you, but that angle might appeal to him.

To be honest, my 13 yr old dd is more than capable of getting herself out to school, as I leave for work at 07.00am on 3 days a week. I know you have a younger dd, but could they get to school on public transport, still allowing you to leave early for uni?

Could you drop them at a friend's house en route?

Does school have a breakfast club?

I am sure you have throught of all this, but I can see that the Monday morning thing is a huge stress.

Will the Monday morning situation persist till the end of the course?

3littlefrogs - they can't go on public transport from my house. DD1 could (and does) walk but I don't think anyone would be happy with a 13 and 9 left in the house to get themselves out. And for various other reasons it wouldn't work.

Rural area - there is no bus for DD2 to get to school from my house nor from his. Can't drop at a friend's house as it would take me out of my way for going to uni. And would have to drop DD2 off at 7.30 or so when most people are only getting up

No breakfast club or after school clubs at either of the schools. No childminders with vacancies either. (DD1 school has after school club on a Monday and Thursday but it only runs from 3-4 and so is basically no use to man nor beast)

Also, on the bus from his house to school DD1 already has to take a violin, her schoolbag, pe kit, hockey stick - she would struggle to carry any more to be fair.

Monday morning situation is dependent on my timetable every semester - so far I've had first thing Monday every fricking term and I'm hoping it'll not be next term or indeed next year. But there probably will be other days I have to be in first thing so I will depend on him to take them.

DD1 does stuff almost every day after school til 4.45 but there is no bus to take her out to his house and she has to walk to mine if I'm at uni.

Well done, you have achieved much with that phonecall, and it's not even lunchtime!

Before I read the whole thread I was about to post "Give me his number, and I'll fucking phone him". What a piece of work he sounds.

Well done again. :)

Thanks folks.

I know in the grand scheme of what people have to put up with it's a small thing but it's very stressful to deal with.

Hands out to everyone

Have read some of your other threads and how you are not sitting rocking in a corner I don't know, I really don't. .

Just remember 2013 isn't really that far away, DD1 is 13? start saving the pennies now for her driving lessons.

And remember you're doing the right thing you're being the grown up and setting a wonderful example to your girls that this eejet will not wear you down.

here a or for later

God I sound patronising there. . sorry, but I really do admire how you keep your cool with this gobshite.
Am having issues with OH?s family and wish I could be as calm and together as you.

Smells it is much easier now I don't have to deal with them directly. I used to be in tears everytime because of how they treated me and that was before we even got out the fucking door.

for you too

You poor thing. I really feel for you.

Sorry if you feel like I am giving you lists of instructions - I am sure you have gone through every single possible option over and over again.

You are not dealing with a normal human being, so normal rules don't apply.

I guess the more you can present a calm exterior and not let him see he is getting to you, maybe he won't get a kick out of it so much.

3littlefrogs - sorry I don't mean it to seem like I'm having a go at you - I'm not, I'm just trying to answer everything.

I've tried everything.

And you know the thing that galls me the most is that he can't won't and never will see that it's him. That he has a responsibility to change how he behaves.

None of this is ever his fault. Nothing is ever down to him. He isn't doing any of it deliberately and I am over reacting.

I have the "it doesn't matter to me if you're doing it on purpose the end result is the same for me it's affecting x y z" line down to a T but it still grates.

No - I just re-read my post and thought I sounded a bit bossy. Your reply was very reasonable .

I just wish your ex would get his come-uppance sooner rather than later.

I am sure your dds will get the measure of him, and work out who really has their best interests at heart.

With luck they will learn to recognise the type and avoid similar men like the plague in future.

I hope so 3littlefrogs I really do.

Because I don't think I can take much more of this shit. I really don't.

The end of my rope has been well and truly reached.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

DD1 is planning to wear jeans to the baptism and hasn't discussed it with her father or grandmother because "well I'm wearing a nice top"

Actually grin doesn't cover it. Tears running down my face laughing.

I am so not getting involved. None of my business, nothing to do with me, not my family so therefore not going to say a word.

Skinny jeans.

Her favourite ones.

Which are painted on.

Who's betting he turns up here with "acceptable" clothes in a bag and expects me to wrestle her into them?

He can think again. If he has a way he wants her dressed, then he will have to pick them up in time to get them dressed. otherwise I get all of the hassle of showers, hair, trying to make DD1 dress appropriately and I don't even get the dinner out of it. He can forget that idea right off.

He's to be here at 10 with the clothes

I feel sick

10 today? how did it go? hope all ok.

jax - fine thanks, the thread is here

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/a1348426-Have-this-in-lone-parents-but-need-a-quick-answer-not-AIBU-but-am-I-being-reasonable#28611404

he's left a bag of stuff here which has some "suitable" clothes for the two of them, plus some of the casual stuff he's held on to for a few months.

I'm going to just let him and DD1 fight it out..

But that's good, the dropping off clothes thing?

I think let him fight it out with DD, yes.

Oh yeah, the clothes thing is GREAT and I'm not knocking it (although I'm confused as to why he's decided to drop stuff now when I've been asking for months)

What I ended up telling him was that DD1 would leave here in something I considered appropriate for a baptism but if he had a particular outfit in mind, he'd have to pick them up earlier and get them ready at his house and he's fundamentally lazy so he won't do that but will criticize what they have on when he comes to pick them up I guarantee

I would say yes because it will be important to the girls. However I would just send them in normal clothes and he can buy them a nice outfit as it is for his family's do.

Well done you!

My policy on clothes is that I send a bag with everything and just ask for it back dirty on Sunday when they return. Even my boys are now capable of chucking stuff in a bag and returning it. Same for holidays. Bag goes out of here packed for the week and (usually) most of it comes back.

I came to the conclusion early on that I would rather do the washing than not get their clothes back. Also, I have a cleaner who also does exes ironing, so in moments of desperation she used to bring stuff back here for me and he never even noticed!

Jesus Fucking H Roosevelt Christ.

I have now properly inspected the clothes.

I actually could cry. Literally cry.

The stuff for DD1 he has sent is aged 10-11, doesn't even come close to fitting her, there's a dress that was his sisters (she's 40 think 1985 Laura Ashley)

DD2 he hasn't sent anything other than shite. complete and utter shite. Blue cords that belonged to his brother who is now 32. Literally. I am not joking. Tops with holes. Stained, shapeless shite.

I actually do want to weep.