Am I being ungrateful and unrealistic?

[NotaDisneyMum]

I'm having a moment of self doubt and need opinions.

DD10s dad is hands on and involved; I don't always agree with his parenting decisions, but she's never been put at risk so I allow him to get on with it when DDs with him (50%)

I do struggle with his insistence that we 'co-parent' and his determination to secure my agreement to every decision he makes - and his sheer unwillingness to accept that I don't/won't always agree with him.

Am I being selfish/unrealistic to expect to be able to parent my way and give him the space to do the same? Is it really better for DD if her Dad and I spend hours of our time distracted by discussions over day-to-day decisions, rather than accepting that we do things differently?

I've got a one to one with a mediator tomorrow (he has requested mediation) - is my position unreasonable?

I think you do need to have consistent parenting methods and communication wrt some things will be necessary. Eg it's no good one parent being completely against, say, a certain haircut, piercing etc and the other going ahead and letting the child have it.

Hang on. did you say DD10? as in, like, you have ten daughters? And possibly a few sons?

I think she means aged 10!

I think that there are some things you can agree to disagree on (say bedtimes, food they eat, playing out in the street etc) but some things you need to be united about (whether it's OK to watch films rated older than she is, going into town on her own, whether say Eastenders is suitable viewing).

If you don't have 'rules' that apply in both houses then as she gets older she's only going to want to stay with the parent who gives her more freedom and she's going to be very confused about what is 'right' and what is 'wrong' if you have fundamental differences in your 'stance' on 'stuff' - it's going to be very confusing for her if you are wildly different.

Ok, so we need to present a consistent front - how do we achieve that?

If she says 'Dad let's me' should I concede to his way? What if ( as has happened) he disagrees with one of my 'house rules' and demands things are changed in my home - do I change it?

How often should I spend 'debating' these issues with exH, and what happens if we don't reach agreement?

I've tried so hard to compromise and agree - but it's all one way, and I'm not sure I'm prepared to continue that way, I want to live my life my way, not his!

One example. He believes that we should share all overnight travel arrangements with each other - even when DD is with the non-travelling parent. He says that he needs to know when I'm away from home, in case something happens and DD needs to be supported. Should I tell him, because that's what HE wants, and he believes is best for DD?

I can understand your difficulty if you feel he is "using" this in some way to get at you - however, the example you have given seems reasonable to me (and probably does to him!). As you are both parents, it seems reasonable for him to know how to get hold of you if he needs to. He doesn't need to know that you are staying at someone else's house if it's within reach of your own and you have a mobile phone with you, but he does need to know if you are leaving the country or you are going to be several hours away from base (in case of emergencies). Can't you just counter this with: "I'll let you know if I am going to be somewhere where it might be difficult to get hold of me and I will let you know if I am travelling any great distance".

This particular example doesn't seem to be about how you parent your daughter to be honest. Is it really about parenting? Or is it that you don't want to have to tell him your business?

To him, everything is about parenting and DD, and that's my problem - I feel as if I'm bring unreasonable if I disagree because it's DD that 'suffers'.

No, I don't want him knowing my business - and I don't want to know his, either! I don't care if he's going on a business trip, to a wedding, to visit family; I've got his mobile no, if I need to contact him in an emergency, I'll call him. Your suggestion to assure him I'd let him know if I was not contactable was not acceptable to him - he wanted to know my daily routine and movements in order to be able to call 'the right phone'. He seems to think I should be available 24:7 to discuss issues relating to DD - he's berated me for not answering the phone when he called - I was in the shower!

It took two weeks to agree to disagree over the smartphone he bought her; I already had house rules about mobiles (not to be used in bedrooms) but he wanted me to change this because he didn't agree and wanted to be able to call her on it at any time.
He also expected me to remind her to check the phone for messages and keep it charged - whereas I feel that if she's old enough for a phone, that is one of the responsibilities that comes with it.

Maybe it's not what he expects, but the way he goes about it - but he's unlikely to change such a fundamental aspect of his personality, is he?

You asked if your position is unreasonable. It is and it isn't fair on your DD when she ends up with conflicting rules. as to the how of sorting it, I imagine that is what mediation is for.

Soup - we've mediated twice before on the same fundamental issue - it made no difference, I'm still the only one compromising.

what else is there?

Sorry,but i think he sounds like a controlling arsehole.

The way i see it,you don't live together so the way you live your life is up to you,you have a mobile,he can reach you on it,if you're in the shower he can leave a message and you can ring him back. You shouldn't have to tell him your exact wherabouts at all times,why should you!!

Your dd is 10,she's old enough to charge and check her mobile etc and to also understand that you and her dad have different ideas on parenting.

One of the reasons i split from my ex was that we were poles apart on parenting,it caused numerous problems,my boys understand the "rules" in each household and they don't seem at all confused by the differences in approach to their parenting.

Stay strong,you don't need to waste your time on lengthy debates with your dd's dad and the beauty of being seperate from him is you can be yourself,a strong,indepenant woman x

Could you not just agree & then do your own thing? I sometimes find that when my ex-H is trying to do that controlling thing - I make vague agreeing noises & then "forget" or "can't quite remember what we agreed" . Clearly, not about important things - but I could very easily forget the asking DD to check her phone & make sure its charged kind of stuff.

I do sometimes wonder how DD manages to cope with different rules at school, childcare and grandparents homes yet shouldn't have to deal with differences between her parents homes ... And where do you draw the line? If the TV shows she watches should be agreed between us, what about the books she reads, or the friends she associates with?

I refused to meet with him a couple of weeks ago after a barrage of random demands about DDs school application; but despite that, we have successfully agreed on the choices by the deadline via email communication - which I am happy with, but he's not and insists that we need to 'talk' about these things. Do we? Why can't we keep it written, so I can deal with it in my own time?

He's using this argument to control you. He wants every detail of your whereabouts and yells at you if you don't answer your phone immediately. To discuss DD? What bollocks. He just wants you at his beck.

And it does sound like he wants you to change your rules to suit him (are they all examples of wanting full access to information at all times, because the DD/phone in room one sounds exactly like that to me?).

What happens if/when you say no? I mean does he refuse to accept that, and keeps pushing? Are you having loud arguments a lot?

Bugsy - I do, and then when I 'forget' he
Responds with a diatribe accusing me of breaking our agreement.

I have over a dozen emails sent from him this year which tell me how saddened' and disappointed' he is in me; you'd think by now, he would have lowered his expectations!

My two know that there are different rules in different houses. It isn't really that difficult.
In my house, they can't eat bubble-gum for example - but their Dad lets them.
ex-H & I disagree on loads of stuff - but we both know that neither of us are likely to endanger DS or DD.
DS & DD don't seem to have a problem with it - they just get on with it.

I hate having to talk about stuff too, so I ignore phone calls (busy at work, busy doing homework with kids, busy having a shower etc etc - I never actually say I don't want to speak to him) but I make sure I'm receptive to texts & emails.

Maybe you need to get a bit more cunning! [hwink]

Ignore all the diatribe stuff! That is just him venting because he can't bear the fact he can't fully control you anymore. When you see a diatribe email come in - just let your eyes glaze over, give it a quick scan to check there is nothing factual contained & then hit the delete button!

Eugh - this is so frustrating; I really don't know what to do for the best.

We parent differently, and I'm happy to accept that, but he isn't, and wants us to agree on every little detail. I see no point in debates that last hours over incidentals, or even more significant things, if his sole purpose is to get his own way and he's not actually prepared to compromise - he just wants me to do it his way and throws accusations at me about my being unable to put my hatred of him to one side for DD's sake when I don't.

Do you think that spelling that out to him in mediation is a good use of time (and the not insignificant amount of money I will have to borrow from DP)? I've tried explaining this to him before, in mediation, but it seems to have made no difference.

He will eventually get over it. I'm not sure how long you've been separated - but it took my ex-H quite a few years to leave off with the control stuff.
You can try spelling it out in mediation, but I think you could be wasting your time & money. No magic wands on this one!

Just ignore him,you only have to communicate with him about drop-off/pick-up times surely? what you do with the rest of your life is up to you,not him.

Time to toughen up,don't get into discussions with him,he only acts like this because you respond,i thought up some phrases like,ok,i will bear that in mind (meaning...yeah,whatever,now go) and i always steer the conversation back onto arrangements for pick-ups/drop-offs whenever he starts ranting on,i am very monotone and calm and don't let him in my flat,he waits at the door and i have the kids in their shoes/coats ready just before he arrives so there's no time for talk.

He's doing it to control you.Your dd is perfectly capable of understanding that there are different rules at different houses. He is being a dick.

Crumbs. Yes, it seems really clear that this is a control issue and not a parenting issue. From what you have said, he is being unreasonable and using dd as a pawn in the control game. I guess, as others have said, that you will need to recognise it for what it is (i.e. nothing to do with you being a good or bad parent and everything to do with him wanting control) and ignore it as far as possible.

I agree that different rules in different houses are entirely possible for children to understand. It is not reasonable for him to try to impose his rules in your house. If he wants to challenge this then I would just ignore anything that doesn't seem reasonable - you could try running "borderline" decisions about reasonableness past an honest friend who also has children in case he is making you doubt yourself. I'd be inclined to counter something I didn't agree with by stating (not asking) that you will "do such and such" i.e. something that addresses the (supposed) concern -contact in an emergency for example - but doesn't allow him to control HOW you address that concern. That way, you are being a responsible parent (and he could not claim that you were not) but you are not allowing him to dictate how you behave. Does that make sense?

OK - well really, that changes things a lot. I'm not accusing you of drip feeding, not at all, but what you have said in your last few posts is not really what I took from your OP. It's easy to forget your aren't dealing with two rational people when you read a post... sorry about that. I take most of it back!!

Before I start (and start I will!! Grrr) what I meant was having different rules between parents is difficult for kids and importantly can make them want to live with the parent with the most 'lax' rules and that's not always a good thing, also you get a lot of Dad lets me/Mum lets me. It's not the same as having different rules at school/GP's/Childminders.

However...

He's a controlling wanker isn't he?

Don't waste money on mediation, just tell him to Fuck Off, it will achieve the same thing (nothing) but will cost a lot less and be slightly more satisfying.

Don't bend to his will. Your house, your rules. His are barking.

Tell him he is only ever to contact you on x number (your mobile) & that is all he needs at any time. Tell him you will let him know if you are leaving the country. That's it.

DD is old enough to charge the phone & check messages and while she's at your house her phone does not go into her bedroom. He can leave a msg & she can get back to him. Don't start letting her believe she has to be accountable and contactable 24/7 (by him).

I'm now. I'm so sorry I said what I said orignially - I didn't picture this git as the other parent :( 'Saddened & disappointed' Once again I feel 'Fuck Off' is the best reply in your head. Ignore it (but keep them).

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[I think we may have talked before, did you used to use a different posting name? If not there's another twunt sending 'saddened and dissapointed' emails]

There are many twunts sending such emails. They also often refer to their "parental rights" (but often ignore parental responsibilities.) It's a standard control technique.

Yes I know :( It wasn't only that, it was a couple of other phrases the OP used too but I didn't want to highlight them and draw attention to them so I chose one that was commonly used

It would be good if we could round them all up and shoot them - no loss to society I'm sure.

keep the emails. they will show how unreasonable he is being to expect instant access to you by phone and the triviality of his requests for discussion to control you.

perhaps respond with an email saying something along the lines of ... it is a shame that you felt unconfident enough in your own parenting skills to need to contact me about.... insert some trivial issue