Am I being ungrateful and unrealistic?

[NotaDisneyMum]

I'm having a moment of self doubt and need opinions.

DD10s dad is hands on and involved; I don't always agree with his parenting decisions, but she's never been put at risk so I allow him to get on with it when DDs with him (50%)

I do struggle with his insistence that we 'co-parent' and his determination to secure my agreement to every decision he makes - and his sheer unwillingness to accept that I don't/won't always agree with him.

Am I being selfish/unrealistic to expect to be able to parent my way and give him the space to do the same? Is it really better for DD if her Dad and I spend hours of our time distracted by discussions over day-to-day decisions, rather than accepting that we do things differently?

I've got a one to one with a mediator tomorrow (he has requested mediation) - is my position unreasonable?

No, I've not posted under a different name - scary that there's more than one of them out there!

I went back over the txt/ emails he's sent me this year; in every single one where he has asked for information or a response, he has put a time limit on it - in one case he gave me an hour to respond and then berated me for not caring when I didn't!

He also 'assumes' a lot; and passes judgement on the actions/opinions that he assumes I have.

I'm sorry if it came across as drip-feeding; I think my problem is that superficially, he comes across to people as a reasonable, involved Dad - so my refusal to engage in a shared/co-parenting relationship with him comes across as ME being the bad guy, and criticising his behaviour towards me only reinforces that

make sure you tell mediator all of this if you go but personally i'd be inclined not to and make this point your line in the sand. tell him look you do it your way and i'll do it mine, we don't need to be in each other's faces all the time and i want to move on. big decisions that need discussing we can do via email or a phonecall but it doesn't need to be constant.

all kids have to learn that different places have different rules - what's ok at home may not be ok at school, what's ok at grandma's may not be ok at mum's etc etc. the consistency bit is teaching them to respect the rules and ways of the adult who is in charge be it mum, dad, teacher, GP etc because it is up to them how things are done in their environment.

even as a nanny back at uni i was told by the mum look do it your way, it doesn't matter if it is different to my way within the parameters of x, y and z (basics) it's up to you how you do it and for them to respect your rules so long as you are consistent with them.

your ex is using this as a way of keeping you in constant debate and control and blah that you should be well out of by now given you're not together.

You definitely need to be alot less contactable. We become slaves to mobile phones. Just because he texts or phones, does not mean you have to text or phone back. Even if it is glued to your side, imagine you are in a meeting, or imagine you at the pool/gym (& it is in the locker) or imagine you are with your Mum / Aunt / Friend at the hospital or driving the car. If you are doing any of these things then you could not get back to him in his controlling time slot!!!!!!!!!!!! Imagine it was 20 years ago & we didn't all have mobile phones. He is using this endless contact as a weapon against you & to try and force you to his will.

He sounds to me like the type, who will fight any effort on your part to be assertive - so you may have to kill him (metaphorically speaking) with honey instead. That is how I've had to do it with my ex-H (it took me about 4 years to reach that conclusion & vast amounts of will power not to tell him exactly where to get off) but it works better. I am sweetness & light when I have to speak to him, uber polite in texts & emails & then I do my own thing. Just for the record, I never use the DCs as weapons & always make sure he sees them when he's supposed to & that he can speak to them whenever he wants - but other than that I do it my way.

I don't know how to explain what I want to say really - it's not really drip feeding (which is usually deliberate and designed to mislead) it's that without intending to you have painted quite a different picture in your OP than is the reality. You yourself have made him seem fairly reasonable in your OP, when in fact he's a controlling twunt!!

Are you going to the mediation today? Do you have to pay for any of this?

You don't have to buy into any of his nonsense, not his demands for you to contact him by x, not his weird rules, not what he wants DD to do when she's with you, not getting back to him by x time, not getting back to him at all unless you think it warrants it. He is not trying to do his best for DD & provide a united parenting front, he is totally trying to control (you both) and he can just fuck off... anything that needs to be sorted can be done by email, at your convenience, then you have a record of it. To answer your question that you posed earlier No you don't need to actually face-to-face discuss anything with him anymore. He doesn't want to come to any agreement with you that benefits DD, he just wants to control you - that is just so so clear (now :( )

I don't know about drawing the line in the sand! I think it's time to draw it in concrete!!

• Mobile number is for emergencies only
• Email for all other contact
• You will reply when it's convenient to you

Don't keep wasting your time going to mediation - it clearly hasn't achieved anything and with his attitude it wont!!

Yes. Very calmly draw a line in the sand.
Give him one emergency number and tell him if you go away. That's it.

If he tries to berate you, hang up, ignore delete.

He can't put time frames on your responses. Is there a time of each day when you are always able to respond - could you tell him that if he emails you, you will generally reply around 8.00pm for example and she shouldn't expect an immediate reply any other time of the day.

I have an initial assessment meeting with the mediator today- just me and her, which I'm (DP) prepared to pay for.

How can I get across to the mediator how I feel about exH behaviour without sounding like a bitch (or a victim)? ExH will already have primed the mediator to expect me to 'slag him off because I hate him more than I love DD' (which is rubbish, but one of his favourite lines).

I've feuded that I'll mediate if exH is paying, but won't part with a penny more after today's session.

Decided, not feuded!

Pag - I wouldn't even get into that with him tbh. He's very very controlling and I think NADM would do well to ignore most of the utter shite he's asking her about and only reply to anything worth replying to. But that's just MHO.

Good decision about the mediation after today - it really is throwing good money after bad when nothing changes - he wont change and that's the problem here. He's not interested in finding a way forward, only in controlling you.

Why not print this off and read some of your messages to her, take some of his emails and show her some of his texts to you.

Don't say 'He's a wanker due to xyz' say he sent this email, he wants abc, he demands def... she'll work out for herself that he's a wanker and a controlling arse.

Thanks CIAL and all - I was pushing against an open door; the mediator seemed to have already worked out what an arse he is and indicated that she MAY recommend that the case is unsuitable for mediation!

They key fact is that DD is not being detrimentally effected - if she was, then I'd be prepared to make the effort, but she's fine and wonderful and generally a joy to parent (I know things will change soon, I'm making the most of it!).

I've still got to deal with exH though - but I'm going to be using all the advice I've been given here to get it under control - thanks again!

I have one of these ex's too. We have been split for nearly a year, he doesn't get it that I don't have to tell him everything, your emails seem scarily familiar!
As suggested by others, I find mobile for emergencies, and email for everything else the best way to communicate. I don't discuss anything at pick up or drop off, and have been known to close the door in hais face mid-tirade.
He is a controlling arse, don't allow him to, and give DD an example she she can look up to... An assertive and fair minded Mum
:-) good luck!

I love that saying (pushing against an open door)

LOL - good on her. You see, the facts speak volumes!!!

WRT to DD, she isn't being detrimentally affected by your parenting, just make sure she doesn't end up being by his & his controlling nature, he's started already by saying she needs her phone on her and charged 24/7 so he can get hold of her whenever he wants to etc.

Yes you do still have to deal with him and will for a few more years yet, but yes lots of advice here on how to make that much less stressful than it has been. Pick the bits that work for you.

Vent away - you certainly aren't the only one!!

Froggie - that would be exactly my plan too if I was in that situation!!

i'd say go to mediation then and be honest. say as far as you're concerned dd is doing great and you've always been happy to coparent hence agreeing to 50/50 however you need some boundaries and help as to how to set those. show her some texts and emails, explain how he sets you deadlines and how wherever you are you can suddenly get these demanding messages invading your time and you need to put a stop to it to be able to get on with your life. ask her advice as to what are healthy boundaries and ask her assistance in getting your ex to agree to them.

she is going to be able to see how unreasonable and over the line he is. he wants and he wants to pay for it - fine - use it to improve things for YOU. he's presumably arrogant enough to think they'll agree with him. in reality an adult woman, no longer with a man, requesting that she has some privacy and space and can go about her life without constant harassment and being set deadlines like a child is 100% reasonable. just tell her the facts and show her the messages and say how worn down you feel by his harassment and how you just want to let him get on with his life and have him afford you the same. what's to disagree with?

"Am I being selfish/unrealistic to expect to be able to parent my way and give him the space to do the same? Is it really better for DD if her Dad and I spend hours of our time distracted by discussions over day-to-day decisions, rather than accepting that we do things differently?

I've got a one to one with a mediator tomorrow (he has requested mediation) "

Sorry, he sounds like a control freak, and sorry, don't have any suggestions, other than you putting your feet down rather than dancing to his tune.

Totally agree with Chipping et al

Provided neither of you are doing your parenting in controversial ways what need is there for communication. Are your access routines the same eg do pick up/drop off times vary due to work ?

Our times are the same the dc are ready when he pulls up outside and he drops and runs at the other end. There are many things that come up like atm the dc are both sleeping on sofas when they stay with him and this is a longish term arrangement which I dont like. However as its not affecting their safety etc I wouldnt speak to him about it.

God one of the joys of him being gone is not having to listen to the sound of his voice airing his views which are rarely the same as mine.

Yes stop responding to his every dictate and be like bugsy said sweetness and light

NADM - I think we were married to the same man.

Nothing useful to add, except my support

I just tell them that mummy has rules and daddy has rules and they are different. But ex and I agree to back down if one has a very already said no i.e. mum says no to ear piercing, it's no acrss the board.

But on the small stuff he does sometimes try to get me to agree with his way but I just tell him I appreciate his opinion but that I'll be doing my own thing. DD is more than happy and enjoys that fact that, for instance, Dad lets her stay up late on a school night and gives a lot of sweets - but mum lets her have her hair however she wants it and lets her wear fancy dress to the supermarket

Sorry, he's hands-on, involved and wants to co-parent? Sounds like he's doing what he's supposed to do...

Any of the fools who suggest mediation is a bad idea don't have a clue what they are talking about, or have been through it and didn't get things their own way. A mediator will ONLY arrange things in the kids' interests, putting all emotions aside (a concept which some may struggle to understand).

And the mediator did do things in the best interests of the dc; said that mediation wouldn't work in the OP's case. It doesn't when one parent is a controlling tosspot. Like in the OP's case, where her ex is a controlling tosspot.

Smoo - did you bother your arse to read the thread? Clearly not.

SM00 - putting emotions to one side is EXACTLY what I want to do - it is exH who believes that keeping in routine contact by email, and demands that we share how we 'feel' about the other - he says that not doing so is damaging to DD.

I had a one-to-one with the mediator last week, following exH appointment; she has decided that mediation is not appropriate because the issues exH wishes to discuss are not about parenting/DD, they are about how I choose to interact with him.
The mediator has suggested counselling, I believe

Sounds like a good step forwards, thanks for clarifying.

Edit - he believes that keeping in contact by email is bad as it is emotionless (his words!) and wants face to face meetings about the slightest thing.

SM00 - he won't go, though!

The 'Putting Children First' course runs locally, which i have attended - exH won't go because the idea that we can deal with parenting DD in a businesslike way 'offends' him

NADM - that "sharing" how we feel is exactly what my ex does.

Yesterday, had to interact with him about something - he phoned to organise it - "Are you happy to do X"

Me "That's what I'll do then"

Him "But are you happy to do it"

Me "I told you I'll do it"

Him "But are you happy to do it"

Me "Whether I'm happy or not is irrelevant to this discussion. I have said I'll do it"

Him "But are you happy to do it or not"

Me "That is none of your business"

Him "So you're not happy then"

Me "I didn't say that. I said I'll do it."