top 3 things you wished you had known/done before you became a lone parent

[foolonthehill]

Hi I have several children and it looks like I'm going to be going it alone what are the 3 things you think I need to know??

depends on the specific circumstances really - but one for me was I should have set boundaries and a set contact routine early on - and not allowed exP into my new home!

agree totally with cestlavie!

save, save and save again. The mess he left us in was unreal.
Get into a routine.
Get babysitters on hand ready.

Agree on days on which he/she will be having the children, and stick to the routine as far as you can without being utterly tryrannical about it. Also agree financial support if you can.

be kind to yourself
don't overstress the housework
plan ahead

Oh, and agree to 'save, save, save' & not letting ex into your house

thanks

get financially independant
get contact times sorted
get somewhere safe and comfortable to live
ensure you have food
ensure you have friends........

and have a happy life

good luck!

thats more than 3!!

Be hard as nails with him and don't let him dick you around otherwise you might as well stay married.

Say no sometimes if he wants stuff eg access shifted to suit him. Just for the sake of saying no, so he doesn't think you're a pushover

It's 10 times easier than you think it will be and 100 times less stressful than staying married

Your life will go on and be better says she up at silly o'clock to watch the Grand Prix with the toyboyfuckbuddy

Don't use the children in your battles.
Be the bigger person.
Don't stress the small stuff.

Don't involve the children
Use mediation (Action for Children as an example) to sort out splitting assests, contact time etc
Bulk buy chocoalate and - you'll need it.....

thanks again, contact issues will be huge (abusive relationship) ....but i know I'm not the the only one who's been there!!

Not to suffer in silence. People are only too pleased to help in an emergency, you only have to ask. Noone is a mindreader. It's taken me a looong time to accept this one, I had a real thing about doing things on my own as people would look down on me if I even dared ask a favour. It's not true, I have been ill this week and dd's friends parents have been only too happy to take her to school for me. Don't be too proud to ask.

Use the CSA so the ex can't make it an issue every month or mess you about WRT his part in supporting the children.

Accept that whatever his failings (obv with usual caveats if a danger to DC's etc) the DC's will love him and make excuses for him whilst they are growing up and having a relationship with him will ennable them to make their own, informed choices later on when they are emotionally ready. Do not get in the way of their relationship, they will resent you.

Detach, detach, detach. Communicate civilly when necessary for the shared care of DC's. Do not have text wars or allow any conversation to become heated - let 'I'll speak with you about this later when you are calm/have had time to think about it" be your mantra.

Yep, save, save, save, i never realised how skint i was actually going to be! I lived in cloud cuckoo land i think! Thought i would be fine!! Big wake up call.

Take it slowly, its been two years for me now and i still feel lost and as if i'm just stumbling through each day. There are good days too though

As the others have said, don't be afraid to ask for help. And be nice to yourself

Good luck xx

• Don't leave in a hurrry. Leave when the right time is right for you and your children (ie. when you have found a job, a car, got your finances in place, know where you are financially)

• It is easier to take care of 4 children on your own, than caring for the 4 children + an adult who is constantly putting you down or doesn't pull his weight.

• Choose your battles.

thanks all,

Don't try and make your ex be interested in your DC - learned this one the hard way and the one that got hurt was me and not him

Try and keep your ILs on side if you can

Don't just give in all the time, convincing yourself that it's because you are doing it for the DC. It's ok to ask for half the stuff. It's ok to say you want to see your DC on your own birthday.

Good luck x

1. Deal with the practicalities and emotions separately, using a counsellor if necessary.

2. Blame and fault finding isn't helpful. Concentrate on identifying the problem and possible ways forward.

3. Don't try to appease, reason or mediate with someone who is unreasonable. It isn't possible. You need to establish boundaries, focus on your own behaviour eg not reacting and taking time to formulate a response without emotion.

grrr.. aren't helpful