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Original poster

DS staying at xp's -what should he take? What about breastfeeding?

18 replies

friendlyface12 · 27/09/2011 22:55

DS is having first visit overnight (ever) with xp this weekend. XP has said that he does not want him to have things to remind him of me and his home so he gets used to being with xp. DS co-sleeps and bfs. I have read books about staying at dad's and about separation (from parents and that mum does return). I am wondering what to send him with. He wants to take his musical globe (night-time music).
Also, what should I do about bf? I have never pumped but do not want to end up with mastitis (he is away one night building up to 50 hours away in a couple of months)? I do not want to stop bf and cosleeping as I think it would be upsetting for him. Just need advice about how to make him as comfortable as poss.
He is not staying at xp's but in a hotel. Court order - not my idea to have him away for so long in a couple of months but I am trying to be positive for DS's sake. I do want him to have a relationship with his dad (just not one where he has to travel 200 miles away every 2 wks- xp was travelling here but this will all change in a coulple of months when he can do a round trip to collect DS).

:(

OP posts:

pyjamasinbananas · 27/09/2011 22:57

How old is your DS?

thisisyesterday · 27/09/2011 22:57

gosh.. how old is he?

Original poster

friendlyface12 · 27/09/2011 23:09

Sorry- forgot to put that! He is almost 3 :)

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 27/09/2011 23:34

maybe ask on bf board? i imagine at nearly 3 it is more comfort not quantity?
fask bf experts or that side of things and mastitis.

but also as he nearly three he old enough you can explain in simple terms that daddy does not have breasts so he will have a drink from a cup instead?

bit horrid of dad not to allow home comfort / fave toy -but dad will have to find a way to make sure ds is happy i guess, not much you can do.....

stayihg in hotel could be exciting for him

MrGin · 28/09/2011 11:30

In terms of something to send dc away when with Dad, I'd assume he has a bedtime comforter of some kind ? Essential piece of kit !

My dd was coming down to stay with me ( dad ) at age 2, but she'd long stopped bf'ing. Apart from some clothes and her comforter I think the only other thing she ever bought with her was a soft toy for the journey.

I do however have a picture of her mum in her bedroom. For dd's sake not mine :o And there are of course lots of familiar things. Lego, building blocks, jigsaw puzzles, books, coloured pencils etc etc. And initially I was buying toys for her that started off being at mums and made the transition to mine just in order to help the continuity along.

To be honest dd took it all in her stride. The key things that helped were mum being very upbeat about her coming to visit me, and dd knowing that she was safe, secure and very much loved when with Dad, and of course knowing that she'd be going back to mums. Other than that, even at almost 3 other than a picture of mum and her comforter there's nothing from mums house at mine.

Good luck.

balia · 28/09/2011 14:30

Just favourite toy if he has one - he'll be fine! Staying in a hotel will be a big adventure, and he'll probably be in the same room as Dad.

How long are you considering keeping up the b/f and co-sleeping? Just thinking it is going to get pretty difficult as the time builds up.

Daisy1986 · 28/09/2011 16:49

I have a similar situation DD is 2 co-sleeps and bf although starts the night off in her bed. Were looking at overnights when we go back to court in November.

I think most toddlers realise one rule at mums one rule at dads and take most things in their stride. Its a shame about not wanting any home comforts though. What Im planning to do this christmas is put together a box of familar things ie books we have as doubles, toys she doesnt really play withetc and wrap them up for my exbf as a christmas present for him to share with DD and she gets familiar objects around her

I know its very difficult and I'm always worried that he'll struggle as no real experience with children and he does struggle with the practical elements but she always comes back happy even if her nappy isnt on properly. Hopefully once your DS has built a strong bond then it'll be ok.

Try to think whats the worse that can happen he gets upset and wont sleep, they stay up and watch cartoons and he falls asleep when his exhausted. Hell sleep most the next day and be grumpy but hell be fine really and happy to see you and xp will eralise its not as easy as he thought.

itsnotpossibleisit · 28/09/2011 23:12

friendlyface12: DD is 2.3 years old and still breastfeeding 3 or 4/5 times a day . We separated last May and she has already being on holiday with her dad 10 days in july and 9 days in august. I express some milk while I was having a shower as I have never been able to express a lot otherwise. She sleeps one night at the weekend with her dad and she never seems to miss it when she is with him. However it is the first thing she asks when she is back "mummy's milk" which I love. Not even sure if her dad knows that she is still breastfeeing to be honest.

In her case it took her 3 months of geting used to it. At first she as coming back very angry with me but now she comes back very happy. Not sure if it has something to do with breastfeeding or just as a result of the separation.

WibblyBibble · 29/09/2011 08:59

Mine started sleepovers at her dad's a little bit before 18 months and was still bf at nights- she was fine just to go without and I was fine without pumping or anything though did 'leak' a bit (sleep with a towel is my advice :P). She actually slept better at her dad's because I think she just tries it on with me to get more cuddles. The way we have been trying to think of it is that children do spend nights with grandparents at that age so it's not going to be traumatic unless the dad is abusive anyway. TBH by that point I was happy to have a night's unbroken sleep! She is a bit difficult the first night back at mine but really just wanting extra cuddles and stories at bedtime.

WibblyBibble · 29/09/2011 09:03

Ugh just read the bit about your ex not wanting DC to have reminders of you- that's just horrible. I sent dd a t-shirt of mine (for smell/cuddling) and her teddy. She has a special teddy (well, rabbit) at his now, but some consistency is important and when she develops a particular transitional object then she will of course be taking that to both parents'. I think your ex is being a bit off to suggest that!

4madboys · 29/09/2011 09:12

well i would think some kind of comforter,a special cuddly etc, he MUST have, but at his age the bfeeding etc should be fine, i co-slept and bfed with mine but at about 18mths-2yrs i went away overnight leaving them with dp and they were fine, i just expressed by hand into a sink if i felt uncomfortable and then we continued bfeeding as normal when we got home :)

bit different in that i wasnt having to send my child away etc but the overnight sleeping and bfeeding is the same and that bit was fine.

i think your ex sounds a bit of a nob tbh, 'no reminders' of you!!

balia · 29/09/2011 23:25

Could it just be that Dad is worried that DS won't settle if reminded that he is in a different place? 3 years is a LONG time to wait for an overnight stay...

GreenMonkies · 30/09/2011 12:34

I don't think you'll need to pump, I've been away from my girls over night at that age with no engorgement or anything.

Original poster

friendlyface12 · 02/10/2011 22:37

thanks everyone for your posts. It helped :) I did suffer with a bit of engorgement in the morning so think will have to borrow a breast pump for future. When DS got back he was v tired and slept for 2 hours. XP said that he fell asleep straight away and woke in the night once but went for a wee and straight back to sleep with no tears. Why does he not write a book to enlighten us where we are all going wrong? 3 yrs and when DS wakes up at mine he calls out and then cries if I am not there in 30 seconds...if only I had XP's wisdom!! I am mildly suspicious as DS has never slept on his own in a bed, let alone a room or been away from me!! Do you think the scenario he described seems plausible? Could DS wake up and not cry out for me knowing I am not there and there is no point? Or would he behave like he does normally at night and cry out as he is tired?

OP posts:

seeksnewnamewithgsoh · 02/10/2011 22:47

Not exactly the same situation by any description, but my bf DD (16mo) had to do bedtime without me for the first time this week. I got home around 9.30 expecting her to wake up before midnight for her 'bedtime' feed. For the first time in almost a year, she slept through the night. Not even a whimper

If I hadn't been there, I wouldn't have believed it. I think because she went to sleep without bf, she knew I wasn't there to answer to her every beck and call, so she didn't bother. It's certainly made me rethink bedtime routines now.

FWIW your ex sounds like a nobber for not wanting any reminder of you around though. Poor DS, although he sounds like he was very brave on his first away night.

balia · 03/10/2011 20:35

Seems totally plausible to me - DSS was much the same, (although was younger) settled very quickly on his first night with us - kids can and do behave differently with different people/circumstances. DS might well have been tired because of the excitement of something different.

But of course it is in your XP's interests to lie if things didn't go well - but basically if it is court ordered it doesn't make much difference. Have you got Cafcass involvement? They do visits - might be reassuring for you?

However your posts do sound a tiny bit like you don't want the first night to have been a success or for DS to have coped without you? It is so hard to separate what you feel from the welfare of your DC's...but it might be something to reflect on.

UnsureRightNow · 03/10/2011 21:10

I had exactly the same reservations with my DD earlier this year when she started overnights with her dad aged 3.3yrs. She semi co-sleeps and is still BF to sleep most nights.

I was worried she would be upset having never had a night without 'boobie' but she was absolutely fine, didn't mention it and was happy to go to sleep with a cuddle and a story.

She does come back restless and sometimes a little angry with me even now 6mths down the line but apparently this is completely normal.

Re pumping I didn't need to but as another poster said BF is now mainly comfort.

Original poster

friendlyface12 · 04/10/2011 20:24

no need to run for cover balia! I do want the overnights to succeed- despite all that xp subjected me to (domestic violence) I do want DS to have a relationship with him- just want to make sure DS is happy that's all :) As XP lied in court (and was proved to be lying a number of times by my barrister) I will find it difficult to trust him- especially as he always makes out he is a perfect parent (which of course, none of us are!). But we're stuck with him and I am determined to make it work for DS's sake. I just have to trust what he says- feel more confident doing that now I have heard what you have all said -Interesting to hear that other kids have behaved differently on nights away:)

I was in a bit of pain in the morning when boobs were engorged- and I didnt think i produced much anymore! Think will need pump!

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