Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

Anyone else feel .....

13 replies

curiouswonder · 13/12/2005 22:51

Hi there,

I'm a lone parent to a 4.5 month old little boy. I chose this and I love it but ....

I am a little nervous as to how to tell potential partners of his existence as he is so young and more's the point as I haven't had sex for a year and have been ripped open and stitched up since (tmi - sorry!) I am starting to get VERY nervous about letting anyone go there!

Don't really know what I want to achieve by posting other than is anyone out there in the same boat/has anyone been in the same boat?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

QueensSpeechEagle · 13/12/2005 23:05

Yep! I had been on my own with 3 kids and was fostering 2 more when I met dh through mutual friends.

I had dated/shagged a couple of others during those lonely years which never led to anything more than that, and I went out with at least 3 more who legged it pdq when they realised I was a single parent to 3 youngsters!

dh was fab though and has taken on my 3 as if they were his own (and they him) and we now have 2 ds's of out own. Oh and I had jelly belly and stretchmarks and dh loved every single one of them!

It's not all about what you are like on the outside - some men like a bit more than cosmetic (lucky for me).

The one piece of advice I would stress to you when meeting/dating new men, is don't appear desperate to find a dad for your ds, it scares men shitless! Get to know him and let him get to know YOU, and when you do introduce him to your ds, do it as friends, so there is no pressure.

Original poster

curiouswonder · 14/12/2005 08:22

That's really reassuring QueensSpeechEagle

Luckily for ds he has a dad who he sees regularly and his father and I are still friends - we were never really together in the first place just a couple of drunken encounters which resulted in a beautiful baby boy! We decided not to get together as we knew it wouldn't work and so it's better for ds in the long term to have us like this than hating each other ...

You've definitely re-inforced something I've always felt though - any man I meet is going to have to take time to get to know me and me him and they're going to have to be mighty special before they get to meet ds.

Luckily I have a great family of babysitters so I can get out and about to meet people ..... cos that's the other issue - where do you meet people!!!

OP posts:

QueensSpeechEagle · 14/12/2005 09:43

You meet people anywhere! Everywhere! Key is not to go looking for it because it never happens.

When I was first on my own I had this notion that I must remarry asap and make sure the kids had a good role model as "dad". It never happened, but I realised that I had to be comfortable and happy on my own and in my own right before I would be happy with someone else.

So I chilled and stopped looking. I started to enjoy being on my own and then just when I least expected it, I met dh. Fairytale ending.

weesaidie · 14/12/2005 10:26

curiouswonder - your situation sounds v like mine (altho my dd is 20 months and me and her dad were a couple alhough split in pregnancy)and I was the same!

Still am in a way. Is strange dating when you have a child I think, am still not used to it but do do it!!

I haven't found meeting people too hard but I haven't met many I really like unfortunately! But am trying!!

Original poster

curiouswonder · 14/12/2005 19:55

My mum lives with DS and I and the three of us are a very close unit so i don't feel that i need anyone permanent to complement that so am not looking with a sense of urgency - just feel that I don't want to grow old alone if you get my drift and so wondered where people had met their other halves .... or rather their new other halves I guess ....

Why don't you appreciate the joys of being 19 when you are 19!!!!!!!

OP posts:

weesaidie · 14/12/2005 20:48

lol... I love hearing other ex single mums stories about meeting their other halves... it'll be us soon enough!

nikkie · 14/12/2005 20:55

I have been on my own since preg with dd2 ( now 4.2) I haven't met anyone but I don't go out much or meet many people. Sometimes I would like somone but I am like you I feel no urgency for a relationship.

HarkTheHeraldAIMSMUMsings · 14/12/2005 21:09

I have been a single parent for the past 18 or so months. My DD has just turned 5.

Up until recently I had no interest in meeting anyone else, but now I'm starting to think otherwise. I think that has more to do with DD being more settled now too.

But again, no urgency, although I have seen someone twice now!!

Original poster

curiouswonder · 14/12/2005 22:10

Twice - that's commitment (hehe just kidding!)

So on the whole dating front when is it ok to do what - have your thoughts on when you'd sleep with someone changed since you had your children?

I go through phases .... one day I think no commitment I'll just use men for sex like they use women ... but I can't actually put this into practice and emotions have always ended up getting involved in the past. Since having ds I realise that I saw sex pretty much as a means to an end anyway and now I have the end seem to have lost interest there ...... !!!!

OP posts:

HarkTheHeraldAIMSMUMsings · 15/12/2005 10:09

Twice more than I've seen anyone else, so it is commitment

fairyfly · 15/12/2005 10:28

It really is no bad thing you feel nervous. It means you are more likely to wait until you are respected.
When i met my boyfriend i cried when he first touched me. All that eventually happened is i found he was a patient caring man who made me feel wonderful. I knew then from the very beginig that it wasn't all about sex which is incredibly important to me. The way he looks at me now when we are in the >ahem< bedroom department made all my angst and insecurities worthwhile. I now know he is in love and its not a matter of getting his oats.
I had a zillion billion issues about my self worth nevermind body image when i met him. My pitta bread knockers and my curdled milk arse. To be honest if he is a good man he will be nervous too. I'm not sure i was that impressed with my blokes puffin tattoo, it's a good job i fell in love with him first or he would have been kicked out of the front door.

sheepgomeep · 17/12/2005 20:07

I was on my own for 15 months and in that time I went out when I could with mates (when I could get a sitter) I would meet a few lads out and on the internet but nothing would happen. Finally gave up looking and then I got together with my now dp five months ago. I met him at work and had in actual fact worked with him for almost a year before we really got together. I'd always liked him in a funny sort of way but he had a gf at the time and I was still in love with my ex. Things happened, his gf cheated on him, I got over my ex and he became a good friend to me and then well it just happened!!

He really took things slow well we both did as I was very nervous about sleeping with another fella (my ex was my first and dp is my second)

It does happen like this and you'll know if it feels right!

jinglinggoblin · 17/12/2005 20:22

i split from xp when ds2 was 2 weeks old. i didnt go out to pubs for about 7 months, just went to friends houses where i could take the baby and stay over. i did meet a few blokes that way and i think it was easier because i didnt have to tell them i was a single mum, they already knew. a male friend of mine decided i needed setting up and i met one lovely guy through him who i saw for a few months before he moved away, then met dp through the same friend. both times i told them i didnt want anything serious, we just went to the pub, spent evenings in together etc, just dating really. wasnt til me and dp had a huge row about 5 months after we got together and i decided not to see him anymore i even realised we werent just friends. have just realised how cliched that sounds!

i found a lot of men thought single mum = easy shag or single mum = looking for new dad for the kids. i decided it was much easier not to have a relationship til the boys were older, but kind of fell into one without noticing.

for me, having kids meant i wasnt prepared to put up with any crap from men, and to see one more than once he had to be pretty spectacular! and yes, i was petrified the first time i had sex but it was all fine, i made sure he knew i was really nervous and he was lovely. bit like losing your virginity all over again!

Flip