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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Need serious advice.

9 replies

stayforthekids1 · 08/09/2011 00:21

I have just come in from work to find my STBX either very drunk, or very stoned. He was responsible for looking after our 4 dc tonight. I am furious. My house stinks of the stuff. He was slurring his words and even talking to himself at one point.

I need to know what to do. I want him to see the kids, but I cant allow it with him in that state. He normally takes them at weekends out to his, but now I know the states he is getting himself into, I cant have that. I presume I need to think legal? I dont want to most importantly risk anything happen to my children and secondly, I dont want to risk losing them myself because of what he is doing.

Before anyone suggests I try talking to him, he has been addicted since he was a teen. He drank every night of our 7 year marriage. Every single night. As far as I am concerned he is beyond help. He IS a great dad but there is no way in hell I will leave my children in the care of someone drunk/stoned regardless of their status.

What do I do?

I also want to divorce him. Grounds: unreasonable behaviour. His drinking, his smoking, his violence with a drink in him. I am sure he will contest it all the way. I dont have much money, but I cant tell you how much I detest still being married to him even though we are separated.

Can anyone advise me please?

OP posts:

MeMySonAndI · 08/09/2011 00:29

Divorce is not expensive, what is expensive is getting to an agreement about arrangements for the care of children and the separation of assets if things become nasty between you two.

If you are intending to prevent overnight visits due to his drug/alcohol use you need to start keeping a record of events like the one tonight now. Keep it simple and factual. By the time the court can intervene you should have enough grounds to ask for short visits/no overnight contact.

Original poster

stayforthekids1 · 08/09/2011 00:36

I am going to have to do everything in my power to stop overnight visits. I will start keeping a log. We dont own anything assets wise. Things are going to become nasty, I know it, because there is just no talking to that one. I dont want to do this, but what mother would allow her 4dc to be looked after by someone in such states? The sad thing is, I think he is so addicted etc, that he wont pull himself together, even for his kids. And even if he did, how could I ever believe he has? My dc are all too young to be able to understand.

OP posts:

CoffeeRevel · 08/09/2011 00:40

You are right, no mother would allow her kids to be looked after by someone in that state... Keep the log, and see if you can arrange only supervised access?

Original poster

stayforthekids1 · 08/09/2011 08:14

Well I told him this morning we would need to talk about him having the kids. He asked what about and I said he should know very well what about...the using drygs and being drunk when around them, whether they are in bed or not. His response was....Fuck off. He looked at me with that look of his, like I am totally bang out of order and I lost my temper then, said I had put up with him smoking and drinking throughout our marriage because of my fear of him and that I wouldnt stand for it any longer, that I would be going to see a solicitor. He stormed out calling me a bitch.

Problem is, I am a single mother with 4 dc, I dont have a lot of money. I dont think I could afford a solicitor.

OP posts:

Lemonylemon · 08/09/2011 09:13

Can you get advice from CAB or Women's Aid? They'd be able to point you in the direction of legal aid etc.

Stick to your guns - twats can tell you to fuck off as much as they like, but when you know you're in the right, let it wash over you - oh, and keep a note of it.....

CoffeeRevel · 08/09/2011 09:24

I'm sure wiser mners than me will be along to help shortly, but I'm sure I read somewhere that you can have a free appointment with a solicitor to start with, so you know where you stand. There will be help out there, and you just need to be strong because you know you are right, and he is a twat.

cestlavielife · 08/09/2011 10:05

is his addiction documented eg GP?
if not then next time he is v drunk at home/in charge of kids then call police to remove him from the house.

you need to get this recorded by medics/police because otherwise it is your word against his when it comes to court/contact arrangements.

why was he at your house??
if he has his own place?

sprry but he isnt a great dad if he gets in that state while caring for them.

right now you have to say no contact because you out dc at risk - only supervised eg a relative or friend so you can be sure someone responsible is around the dc - how old are they?

but really - you need some witness/documentation of his drinking/addiction as your word alone doesnt count for much .

also depends on age of dc

as you rightly say - if you continue to leave your dc in the care of a drunk then you are putting them at risk - if this was a nursery worker /nanny would you employ this person to care for your dc?

or would you sack them til they had proved they were no longer drinking?

missmehalia · 08/09/2011 10:21

cest has some great advice here re evidence. Phone WA is what I'd do as a first step. They'll have fab advice for you. I think you definitely, definitely need to go down the legal route now.

Keep your boundaries with him tight. There's obviously history there, but that's all it is.

In the meantime, make sure he doesn't have a key to come and go, and that any visits are at your house during the day (in other words, under supervision!) If he doesn't like it, he knows why it's come to this. The fact that he reacted to you the way he did shows he's probably feeling guilty and hasn't really grown up, despite being a dad.

Document as much as you can. Keep it all together and tidy. Protect your paperwork, particularly financial and legal.

I know this all sounds a bit mad, and maybe you thought you'd never see the day, but your DCs deserve better than to be alone in the care of a dad that's so out of it he can't care for them properly (yes, even if they are asleep.)

And don't worry about the £, you're probably entitled to legal aid, but WA or Citizens Advice will advise you further. I suggest phoning WA today!

angrywoman · 09/09/2011 12:04

Stayfor, Womens aid!! how I wish someone had told me about them 6 years ago!! They have been brilliant and helpful to me when I thought they were only for extreme domestic violence. They will help.I have been split from the father of my 3 children for 4 years now. He had a worsening problem with drink when we split. I believed as he was determined to see them that he was not drinking when he had them for weekend contact. I did not realise how naive I was being (in denial maybe) until he collapsed at their bedtime when he was in sole charge and was taken to casualty. I was called by the neighbour who had luckily been in. Thought he had had a heart attack. No, he had been sipping wine all day. And, it turned out there had been other times eg on holiday abroad alone with them, he went comatose with booze and couldn't get children aged 9,6 and4 from bar to the room. Horrific. I feel such an idiot now for thinking his sense of duty would override his addiction but I had no prior experience of alcoholism.
Play it carefully, you need police to witness him drunk in charge of the children. I would tell him not to drink/smoke and then if you find him drunk get the police in to see. I am glad now, though AWFUL at the time that I called police when we were together and he was drunk/ violent/ intimidating.
You could offer to supervise contact but he sounds a bit like my ex, in denial about his problem, aggressive when its mentioned.

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