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Original poster

is it true that 6 months after my moving in with DP my ex is no longer liable for maintenance payments?

24 replies

HelloMyNameIsHilda · 07/09/2011 11:42

he told me this today - he is wriggling around trying to reduce/get rid entirely of his maintenance obligations (has NEVER liked paying and tried to make me feel he was doing me a favour for ages).

I am moving country soon and moving in with DP.

have already said to ex I think his maintence payments should be reduced in order to take account of expenses he will have coming to visit the kids etc but he seems to think he shouldn't be contributing at all

seems odd to me

we are moving back to close to my family and his (exs) so his expenses shouldn't need to be massive but he claims he doesn't want to stay at his folks when he visits and so will have expense of accomodation, car etc

I no longer know what to think

OP posts:
Newbabynewmum · 07/09/2011 12:02

Not true. It has no baring on it. No way. Your new partner has no financial responsibility toward your DC whereas your EX always will. Don't let him get away with it.

Original poster
HelloMyNameIsHilda · 07/09/2011 12:47

I didn't think it should, but he seemed very certain

anyway, he's got my back up now (nothing like trying to wriggle out of obligation to HIS children to do that I must say)

so I checked on the CSA website and since the number of nights contact he will have with kids will go DOWN substantially after we move his maintenance payments should actually go UP...so even with the reduction to take account of his travel expenses etc he should definately still be paying something, and actually something quite like what he is paying now even with reductions

I've told him previously if he wants to choose not to pay then that's up to him, I'm not going to try to force him (I'm lucky enough to work myself and while I don't earn a great deal I can make ends meet if I pull strings tight) but if he chooses not to contribute to the kids upbringing that will have implications along the line (ie - at some point they'll find out - if nothing else)

he cites it as his maintenance payments funding me and my DP's new life .... Grrrrrr!

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 07/09/2011 12:51

Not sure how it works in different countries though

mumblechum1 · 07/09/2011 12:54

Sounds like he's getting confused with spousal maintenance, which does usually lapse if the payee cohabits for six months or more. It doesn't affect child mtce, though.

deemented · 07/09/2011 12:58

He's taking the piss - as soon as i read the thread title i knew it'd be him that told you that.

He's liable for maintainence til the child is either 18, or finishes full time education, iirc.

Don't let him try and tell you otherwise.

Ask him, if it means that your dc is no longer his child after living with your new DP for six months - because that's what he's suggesting.

Vibrant · 07/09/2011 13:01

It might be that if he's found out that if he chooses not to pay that the CSA won't be able to pursue things as you're resident in a different country.

How does he feel about you moving to a different country? It might be that he's not happy about that, hence him being difficult about maintenance. And in a way I could understand (but not necessarily agree) that and his view that he's funding your new life - he'll be expected to pay more and see them less.

Original poster
HelloMyNameIsHilda · 07/09/2011 13:07

thanks mumble - that must be it - he has gotten some half arsed advice from some mate in the pub (cos he refuses to pay for solicitors advice) telling him he doesn't need to pay once I've co-habited a certain period

he's never paid me spousal maintenance, I've never asked for it having worked all our life together

sarasidle - I know it would be impossible to enforce through courts in another country - but I've told him I'd never take it that direction anyway - I'm never going to legally fight him on this

OP posts:
Smum99 · 07/09/2011 13:10

Hi, child maintenance payments aren't affected by your cohabiting arrangements however if one parent moves away then it's often factored into the arrangements when the move is agreed. i.e he will have additional costs as it's not reasonable to assume he will always be able/willing to stay with his parents. If he applied to court for a review it's likely an arrangement would be put in place that enables him to see the children regularly, i.e courts recognise that children have a right to see both parents. Courts would prefer that you both come to an agreement about contact which obviously has costs if there is significant distances. Could you offer to bring the children to see him so that he does not incur the costs and he continues to pay maintenance at the similar amount?
From my perspective if the situation was reversed and my DCs moved away I would hope the resident parent would recognise that it was a big step and find practical ways of making sure contact was maintained. As lovely as my parents are I wouldn't want to have to rely on them putting me up when I saw the children as it wouldn't feel like my own space.

Jux · 07/09/2011 13:10

Did they suddenly stop being his children when your dp moved in then? The man's a twit!

Original poster
HelloMyNameIsHilda · 07/09/2011 13:17

Smum99 - thanks for your perspective

I was happy to have the maintenance reduced in order to reflect his expenses, indeed suggested this as soon as had made the decision to move and indeed would be willing to take on expense of bringing kids to see him sometimes too

it was just this morning when I called to talk about something else and he said the thing about not needing to contribute anymore after 6 months (in a snide - "you may be surprised to hear" sort of way) and basically that he felt his contributions should be totally waived in light of his additional expenses that I though "hang on a sec here"

I appreciate he may not always want to stay with his folks and that the situation is not as ideal as us still being just down the road from his perspective but I don't know what the solution is to that. He'll only be coming over once a month max so doesn't make sense to have a flat or anything and we couldn't afford it anyway. He is talking about renting a room from his sister at £300 a month which seems outrageous as that's pretty much the entire sum he currently contributes to the kids gone for one weekend a month

but flip side I guess is that I am taking decision to move and he needs to have his space to see them - I just don't know what is fair anymore

I don't think there is one ideal solution but his attitude this morning riled me up

OP posts:
niceguy2 · 07/09/2011 13:51

Technically he should still pay. Morally he should still pay. But once you move abroad, in practice you can expect to kiss your maintenance goodbye.

Original poster
HelloMyNameIsHilda · 07/09/2011 13:57

is that really what happens niceguy2? people just stop paying?

well, if he chooses not to contribute I suppose I will still let him see the kids as its not their fault and they deserve a dad but am afraid it's not really going to add anything to the co-operative parenting approach we both say we want

and at some stage the kids will be told that he chose not to contribute - I will make sure he knows that now so he can't claim to be shocked later

grrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
mumblechum1 · 07/09/2011 14:08

Depends on whether the countries concerned are signatories to the REMO agreement (Reciprocal Enforcement of Maintenance Orders)

piellabakewell · 07/09/2011 17:50

My DP pays 15% for his DD via CSA (less than he was paying her mum before she insisted on getting CSA involved). CSA take no account of him living over 200 miles away and having the expense of return flights and two nights in a hotel each fortnight, and airport parking for the car he keeps there.

ConstanceNoring · 08/09/2011 07:47

It is most probably something he's heard 'off a mate' as someone else has said, but there is some truth in it.

In my DH's Divorce Agreement (or whatever it's called) with his ex, there is something in there about the 6 month cohabitation. It's definitely in relation to maintenance for the children, it lists 'triggers' for it to stop, i.e. 18 or leaving full time ed, her remarriage, or cohabiting for a period in excess of 6 months.

I must add (before I get lynched) that she has cohabited for over 6 months with two partners over the last 12 years and DH has never and would not make any moves to stop paying in any case.

just saying.

DCSsunhill · 08/09/2011 08:04

Constance, that would be the spousal maintenance. Remarriage or cohabiting would not affect child maintenance.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/09/2011 08:05

That will be spousal maintenance not child maintenance.

I suggest you print off the part on the csa website where it says that he still has to contribute and give it to him.

I'm guessing what will happen is that he will just pretend he didn't know to the children when they grow up.

DCSsunhill · 08/09/2011 08:05

Or it could even be with regards to a charge on the house, such as a Mesher. But definitely not child maintenance. That would be unlawful.

ConstanceNoring · 08/09/2011 08:10

Ah sorry, Blush - yes the bit about remarriage or cohabitation was to do with the equity in the house (again not that DH will ever call it in)

There was definitely no spousal maintenance other than a peppercorn rate of 5p per year - to be increased if she ever fell upon hard times and DH was rolling in it, - both unlikely Grin, however all the time he's playing nice one hopes that she will too.

So in conclusion, 'the bloke down the pub' is as big a nobber as he is?

QueenofWhatever · 08/09/2011 13:29

You say that you're moving to another country, so just wanted to check that you have his written permission for this. If you don't and move out of the jurisdiction it's a criminal offence. If he doesn't give written permission, you need to apply to the court for leave to remove. Maintenance will then seem like the least of your problems!

One option would be to get a court order for maintenance before you leave as I too have heard that REMO is fairly useless.

Original poster
HelloMyNameIsHilda · 08/09/2011 15:32

god, I don't have his explicit written permission - lots of emails with him arguing about the maintenance he'll pay and where he'll stay when he comes to visit etc but no explicit permission - thing is he is such a skinflint he'd never take me to court - but is that a risk worth taking

he is being very belligerent at the moment so even letting him know I need his written permission could go very horribly wrong

oh dear I just want all of this to be over [sob]

OP posts:
QueenofWhatever · 08/09/2011 19:53

You might want to have a look at this thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters/1283521-leave-to-remove-question

Original poster
HelloMyNameIsHilda · 09/09/2011 11:52

QoW - thanks for that - have just skim read so far but will go back

just needed to ask - are your ex and mine the SAME MAN??? they sure sound like it

mine is gone into his passive aggressive hole now and tells me he is not in best state of mind to discuss anything - having been increasingly [passive] aggressive, belligerent and [self-righteously] affronted for much of the week til now

he's a high functioning alcoholic, so his moods can go all over the place

I'm trying to be patient, and calm, and not force him somewhere he feels is a corner...but god, it's such hard work

I will be so glad to get away finally!

OP posts:
makemineapinot · 10/09/2011 20:26

this is a very good site I found it useful when my ex took me to court to stop me moving to Scotland from Engladn with my dc. He forced the move then took out a prohibited steps order to stop us. It went our way - I ended up getting a very good barrister which cos a fortune but we're now free Smile!! Hope you get it all sorted x

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