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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

My Ex going away for 2 months.

20 replies

piano10 · 11/08/2011 11:24

Ds is going to really miss him. Ds 10 yrs normally sees his Dad every weekend and even Tuesday nights too. I just hope my son copes ok and i will try to support him as much as i can. Will his school work suffer? Its sept 2nd - Oct 31st.
Personally i think its totally rotten of my Ex to go away for that long. He is going to N.Z on holiday for 8 weeks. Its not like its work or the ARMY FFS. He is (as usual) being totally selfish and he said last night on text that expects his son to understand that he needs to recharge his batteries.

3 weeks max not seeing his son seems ok, but not 8 weeks.

I think its awful. Poor Ds
What do you think?

OP posts:

gillybean2 · 11/08/2011 12:05

NZ is a fantastic place. 3 weeks barely gives you time to explore it, certainly not both islands. So if he's going to go then I can understand why he's booked longer.

You just have to try and put a positive spin on it for your ds... How exciting for dad...lets look up NZ on the map... google stuff and suggest places dad could go visit... look at the websites of places he has been too when he emails ds etc.

Ask him to ensure he keeps in contact with ds. He can send postcards (although these will take a while to arrive) and email photos and send him little text or email messages a couple of times a week (eg when he'd usually have contact). Will he be updating his facebook page and does ds have access to it to see what photos etc he puts on there?

Also see if you can arrange to have skype calls etc every couple of weeks maybe.

I know it may not be easy with the time difference, but ask him to consider his ds and keep in touch.

Get ds to write an email to him once a week too maybe. My ds writes to his grammy and I ask him to write about 3 things. Usually this are very short messages, one line x 3 subjects, but it helps him focus on 3 things he has done recently to mention and keeps grammy in the loop.

Original poster

piano10 · 12/08/2011 11:33

." . how exciting for Dad" . . ?? what? I dont quite appreciate your understanding of why his dad should go for that long. He is a nasty bit of work tbh . . . .
The Ex was horrid to live with, violent and an emotional abuser...

He doesnt deserve any holiday in my opinion.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 12/08/2011 12:25

your Ds will be fine. he is 10. he will be busy at school with friends etc. his school work wont suffer so long as its just accepted as hey that is how your dad is.

i think if you make a big issue of it and let your anger show - then yes it might impact on ds.

it is highly annoying but not up to you where or what he does with his time...as you say he is nasty piece of work so only to be expected right?

one thing wise therapist said to me was to think about who my anger etc was helping - did it serve any purpose? did it reach him? did it only serve to destroy my own life? let go of your anger... (sorry to sound patronising)

arrange baby sitters/sleepovers for DS so you get time off for yourself.

Original poster

piano10 · 12/08/2011 15:57

I am being very cool and not showing any thoughts or worries about his dad going away. He also isnt at the moment expressing any concern, but a couple of months ago he did come back from his dads crying about how dad was saying he was going on a rugby tour in NZ. (Pratt!)
I think he should have told DS he was doing some work over there instead, not a dam rugby tour... Ex is so dam tactless and thoughtless. ggrrh!!

OP posts:

Jemma1111 · 12/08/2011 16:03

Your ex sounds so selfish that there's no point in letting him know you are angry about his trip as it won't stop him from going anyway I imagine, just remember that when your DS grows up he will work out for himself who has been there for him always, and that's you !

blackeyedsusan · 12/08/2011 16:23

nz is a loooong waay and 8 weeks sounds ideal if you have the time. ex should not be lying to ds about why he is going, so saying that he is going fro the rugby is not unreasonable.

try to do somethings you would not normally get time for whilst he is away, aand arraange email/other contact too.

hairylights · 13/08/2011 14:01

You're being unreasonable here.

Smum99 · 13/08/2011 14:39

I think you have unresolved anger which might be 'justified' but it would be best for you if you can let it go. It might not be fair that the ex gets to have an 8 week holiday but don't focus on fairness or if he `deserves' it, rather think of what you could do for you..What dream do you have? Would you like to travel for an extended period of time? Often a strong emotion, as you are feeling, is an indication that something is missing in our lives and being angry with the ex because he has been given an opportunity won't help you to find happiness.

Your son will be fine, lots of DCs cope when parents away for extended times, if your son misses him then seek solutions to that, as in skype etc.

Original poster

piano10 · 14/08/2011 20:04

I am not fussed about him away,,, I have been to Oz NZ Florida and have no desire to go away any where far... been there and done it all at 52 yr old.. Just feel so sorry for my son. He will really miss his dad.
Nothing to do with being unreasonable HAIRYLIGHTS,, this is how i feel and thats it. The only unreasonable thing here is how it will make DS feel... and thats horrid.

OP posts:

woollyideas · 15/08/2011 07:39

I'm struggling to understand why it should make your DS feel bad if his dad goes on an extended holiday. Of course, he might miss him, but there are other good suggestions in this thread about how your DS can maintain contact. It's so easy these days with texting, Skype, facebook, etc. - all these fantastic ways of communicating instantly.

I do agree with some of the other posters, you seem to be very angry with your ex and would probably be happier if you could find a way of letting it go. I hope your son doesn't pick up on your anger towards his dad - that's an unfair burden for him to deal with.

I thought Gillybean's post had some excellent suggestions, by the way.

drawingalinebehindme · 15/08/2011 07:50

Get a grip. Your ds is 10 which is more than old enough to understand what a holiday is, i agree with gillybean about email/skype contact, showing photos etc

You cant control where he goes or how long for so you just deal with the situation and move on...

TastyMuffins · 15/08/2011 07:51

Of course your DS will miss him but if he is really so horrid, surely you'll appreciate him not being around for that long. Telling your DS it was work when it wasn't would not be a good idea, he shouldn't be lying to your DS.

Goodynuff · 15/08/2011 08:01

If you are worried about you son missing him, there are lots of great suggestions on here about maintaining contact.
At 10, there is no reason for him not to understand that adults do take time out to recharge, see the world, and have experiences.
If your ex had lied to your son, and he found out, it would have been a lot worse.
If you are looking to vent about your ex, it might be better to avoid projecting that through your son. You may think you are keeping it all under wraps, but kids pick up on so much
I hope you can find some peace and healing for yourself.

allnewtaketwo · 15/08/2011 08:15

Although you keep denying that this is anything to do with how you feel, every post you make makes it clear that it is. I really think you're projecting your own feelings of anger/whatever onto the situation. Your DS will be fine. I really don't recommend that any parent lies to a child, that's a bad idea.

Children take their lead on how they feel about situations from their parents. If you feel so negatively about it, there is no doubt that this will project onto your DS. If you're so determined that DS will feel bad, then no doubt that will be the outcome - albeit for different reasons.

ToothbrushThief · 15/08/2011 08:17

Agree with everything allnew says

This is an issue for you rather than your son

Original poster

piano10 · 15/08/2011 08:36

Ok, I hear what your are saying. Yes i am angry with my Ex, but if you had had a man treat you the way he treated me, emotional abuse, violence and total disrespect, then so would you feel pretty annoyed.
Plus, i am a single parent on benefits etc, whilst the Ex has got very well off running a business, bought a 4x wheel drive, horses, a house, dogs, chickens, the whole whammy. Infuriating ,. . . eh?

OP posts:

Original poster

piano10 · 15/08/2011 08:37

I do have though, a very kind and caring boyfriend who treats me so well and isnt manipulative, violent, angry, abusive, domineering or disrespectful, so I guess I am emtionally very rich, infact richer than I have been in many many years.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 15/08/2011 09:02

My dad went around the world for a year when I was 10. He sent us postcards. He got married to his girlfriend on the way (in Las Vegas) :( Sis & I were gutted that we hadn't been invited, we'd thought if they got married, we might have got to be bridesmaids. Then when he got back he just didn't bother to see us for 6 months

But it's only by looking back that I'm upset by this - at the time I thought it was really exciting that he was going, we loved getting the postcards, we used to look at a world map and see where they were every time we got one. We were upset by the wedding thing, but the six month thing we weren't really aware of. I think he used to write letters to us, I can't remember. The key was that my mum was great - if she was angry or jealous about his trip, she didn't show it (and I learned later that he used the money from the sale of the house, which he insisted he was entitled to half of, which meant we had to move to a house which was really too small) she was always positive and enthusiastic when we received postcards or letters or the occasional phone call.

Your DS will see what kind of a man his father is, if you stay neutral and let him come to his own conclusions when he is at an age that he can cope with it a lot better. Yes, your ex is better off than you, but would you accept any of that money and material stuff to have to spend even one more day with him? Because I wouldn't.

drawingalinebehindme · 15/08/2011 11:11

Sorry i was harsh. It is infuriating when your ex swans off and lives his life whilst you are stuck with the hard work, but in somes ways you have it easy.. if your ds sees his dad every weekend and during the week too then you get child free time every week, you have a partner to discuss little niggles with, throw ideas about with and general company and support. Some people dont have that so you should consider yourself lucky.

At the end if the day if ure ex is a twat as your ds grows older he will realise that (something i'm holding onto!) In the mean time take a deep breath smile gracefully and come on MN to rant about it!

QueenofWhatever · 15/08/2011 12:40

I'm with the others here tbh. My ex is like yours but I would be thrilled if he would bugger off for eight weeks. Your son will be fine and I think it's not outrageous for your ex to have this sort of break.

But I do think it is almost inevitable that your son will pick up on your anger. You need to deal with that. If your ex has this comfortable lifestyle and you are on benefits, get onto the CSA. I did, they were really good and it takes the emotion out of it.

You have a son, his Dad who sees him regularly and a new partner. Your life sounds good, enjoy it and stop letting your ex's actions have this impact on you; they're really not worth it.

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