Back from Dads

[rubin]

Hi,

Just wondering if anyone has had a similar experience & if so, any advice?

My DSs stay with their dad every other weekend. They are only 2 1/2 (twins) so still very young. The problem is that when their dad drops them off, one of my DSs is really subdued & doesn't seem to want to come to me. The other DS is all hugs & clings on to me, but his twin seems so distant at the beginning. Once he gets inside the house he's absolutely fine & back to normal with me. But it's just so upsetting to feel that initially he almost doesn't want to be with me. His father, of course, revels in it & tells me its because I'm basically a horrible person & of course neither of them want to be with me.

I'm trying to keep upbeat about it all, but it's difficult & I would like to try and understand this initial reaction. And in doing so try & help my son by understanding what he's feeling.

he is fine after so dont worry - it is just how he deals with transitions. ignore the ex .

What kind of father revels in his sons confusion and hurt?! Definately ignore him. Hopefully thats a phase Ex will get over too.

It will pass, with lots of love and hugs :) Maybe organise a special treat like a fun game/activity you play when they return from being away...or something special they enjoy doing but is sometimes difficult to fit into everyday schedules. It may help distract them from the upset of leaving one parent for another. But also allow for handover to not just be associated with saying goodbye to their Dad.

Not sure if this helps. And keep strong :)

Hiya

I'm a stepmum to a lovely DSD and when she was younger (3 or 4 yrs) she would sometimes cry when her Dad took her home after a contact weekend, I really don't think it's anything to worry about though and similarly she would sometimes cry at leaving her mum when her dad went to pick her up. I'd just say be reassuring to your DS (which I know you will be!) and he'll be fine.

Must admit though, your exP sounds a bit of a knob to be revelling in seeing your DS upset. I guess he doesn't understand that a childs love multiplies, it doesn't divide.

LWH x

Because you have twins you are comparing one to the other (I'm also a mother of twins). If you just had the one who came home subdued you might not be as anxious. Try (i know it's hard) not to worry too much - its just his way of dealing with the transisiton. Maybe give them something to look forward to when they come back to you i.e. watching a favourite movie, take them to play at the park etc.
Your Ex is a knob. He is just playing with your mind.

Ignore your ex, he's being pathetic. I hope he's not saying what he says in front of the dc..?

If you wanted to join his game you could point out that the clingy one clearly misses you like mad and that they therefore both do...
Or that the subdued one doesn't want to upset dad by displaying affection to you. Or misses you both so is torn about which of you to go too...

You can read anything you like into it! Your ex is choosing to believe what suits him.

The reality is they are reacting to the situation in their own ways but they are both fine once they settle.

Hi, my SS is now 8 and sometimes quite reserved after he comes home, other times rushes out with big hugs. It is just how they handle the transition, some adults rush into new places and get straight in there, some people hang back a bit til they find their feet.

One lesson I have gradually learnt is not to attribute everything my SS does to the break up of his parents - he was a person with a personality before his parents split up and many of the things he does are just because he is the person he is.

Thanks everyone for the advice & reassurance.

On a really positive note, I've just spent such a wonderful day with both my sons & lots of hugs & kisses from them both that made me feel so special.

Why some parents feel the need to run the other one down I'll never understand. It's a terrible & fruitless game to play.