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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

I've completely lost the plot

17 replies

slavetomyson · 29/07/2011 09:57

I don't know what to do any more. My son is refusing to go to the childminders, he's behaviour has been awful this week, I can't cope any more. Family won't help. No point asking the ex he doesn't give a toss either. Maybe I should just ring social services and hand him in to someone who can cope with him. Cos I can't. I'm not going to be able to go to work if he won't go to the childminders. So I won't be able to pay for this house any more. My life is totally rubbish and I wish I'd never had children. Please help.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 29/07/2011 10:19

take him kicking and screaming to childminder- he is smaller than you right? how old is he?

Original poster

slavetomyson · 29/07/2011 11:49

He's four and a half and autistic. The childminder will refuse to have him if he is there screaming and crying and upsetting her children. And I don't blame her either :-(

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MeMySonAndI · 29/07/2011 13:20

I hope things are a bit calmer by now and you have managed to get him to the childminder.

I really have no idea how to go about getting some respite/help in the UK, have you posted in the special needs topic? perhaps there would be someone there who may be able to advise and also there would be more sympathetic ears who would be able to hear about how you feel without judging you.

But in the mean time, if the meltdown is still in progress, is there anyway that you can distance yourself a little bit from the situation until he calms down a little bit? Once things get calmer, I suppose that is a matter of trying again? (or forget about it and try again another day)

Big hug, have a cup of tea, and as soon as he is sleeping, get in the bath, grab the phone and ring someone who could lend a sympathtic ear.

And change your nickname, it may become a self fulfilling prophecy. You know you are in control, and doing a fantastic job, it is just that from time to time thigs go pearshaped.

Original poster

slavetomyson · 29/07/2011 13:45

I've tried to calm down while he stayed in his room, and i've spoken to mum, but I still feel so angry with DS he's really pushed me to the limit this time. I guess I could go on special needs board but by the time I arrange all this respite they're not necessarily going to give me I think it could be too late!! There isn't really an opportunity to try again before my tuesday shift and i'm working the weekend and he'll be away in Worcester with his dad.

OP posts:

lorna220210 · 29/07/2011 14:31

Its just a stage he is going through and it will pass theres no need for anything as drastic as adoption. Iv considered it a few times.. usually during teething. Have you tried talking to him properly maybe theres another child with the child minder that he doesnt like. Just rememeber it wont be like this forever.

bluesticker · 29/07/2011 14:45

Definitely post on the special needs board. Caring for an autistic child is so much more challenging than a neurotypical child and it probably will require specialised strategies. I also have an autistic DS and I have had to learn to parent in a totally different way.

Autism is not just a stage, it is a lifelong developmental disability and you may find that your DS will need a SN childminder and/or specialist SN provision when he gets to school age. What kind of intervention is he having now? He certainly should be entitled to some services from Social Services, e.g. my son gets short breaks which enables him to play in a safe environment during school holidays, although the hours aren't that helpful for working around.

I also found that there were no childminders locally who had any real understanding of DS, so I have had to give up work and manage with disability and caring benefits. It is not ideal but at least I know which strategies and techniques are effective with my son so he is less likely to have meltdowns.

You may also find that as he grows older, his needs will increase as social relationships become more complex and he might need more specialist provision when he starts school. I found that dealing with education, health and social services is a full-time job in itself, especially to secure the right education for DS (he now attends a private ASD school).

Original poster

slavetomyson · 29/07/2011 15:09

It's a nightmare isn't it. I've arranged to go round to CM on monday to spend time with the other child but stay with him to see what is going on. As for my son's needs he has ASD but presumably at the higher functioning end (so I thought) and he is going to have 25 hours one to one help at mainstream primary school in september. I don't have any support from social services, but then haven't enquired about it. Presumably because he's on the higher end of the spectrum I won't be entitled to any help. Besides if he has issues going to a CM that he knows I don't see him doing very well with strangers from social services. I've been on an Earlybird course and have adapted lots of my parenting techniques but at the end of the day there's a typical four year old in there as well, who plays up like any other child. I really hope he's going to manage with CM because if I had to give up my part time work I think i'd go mad, not to mention the financial worries i'd have. I credit you for giving up work and managing on benefits, but i'm not sure I could do it. Blimey when I decided to have a child I never thought it'd all turn out like this..

OP posts:

itsnotpossibleisit · 29/07/2011 15:39

Slavetomyson: I do not know what to do but I wanted to show you my sympathis as you have been really supportive with me for the last few days. I wish I could help you more. Just try to relax, I know it is easier said than done but it won't help your son if you also lose it if you know what I mean. Don't forget that you are doing your best and you are a FANTASTIC MUM

Huhe hugs from me

Original poster

slavetomyson · 29/07/2011 15:51

Thanks for all your support, i'm just having an EXTREMELY bad day!! i'm sure i'll sort something out. I obviously need to stop feeling sorry for myself, but getting no sleep isn't helping (not DS induced I hasten to add). I wake early and then lie awake worrying about things all the time and can't seem to stop it.

OP posts:

itsnotpossibleisit · 29/07/2011 15:59

I know what you mean. I have been struggling to sleep too and if I wake up before DD in the morning the same thing happens to me, my brain cannot stop thinking. I don't know the solution either but I really hope things will get better soon as it can be a bit too much sometimes.

Original poster

slavetomyson · 29/07/2011 17:31

Yes well lets hope things get better for both of us, i'm worried i'm not going to be switched on enough for work this weekend but can't take any more time off sick either! Just need sleep and a break from DS as it is getting too much to be honest. The thought of 5 more weeks without school and a break from him is just too much to bear at the moment! How are you feeling today?

OP posts:

itsnotpossibleisit · 29/07/2011 20:54

We have had a better day compared to recently. I am trying to be more possitive about myself but as you say not sleeping well does not help. Also DD has been a pain at bed time and it is taken a lot of my time to settle her down. But in general a better day

Original poster

slavetomyson · 29/07/2011 22:09

Well that's something to be thankful for at least! I'll take any little positive at the moment. I guess we should be grateful for the little things. At least my son doesn't hold it against me that I yelled at him this morning, so much that my throat feels sore. it's not good really is it. Perhaps a break from me this weekend while i'm at work will do him good, though I doubt it he's bound to be playing me up on Monday like he usually does after going to the ex..

OP posts:

itsnotpossibleisit · 29/07/2011 23:32

Don't punish yourself for the shouting. Sometimes we are aloud to lose it too. WE are not perfect and the important thing is that we try our best for them. I know is hard but try to relax. DD is going to her dad's tomorrow too and I am not looking forward to her coming back on Sunday as she always comes back very angry with me but hopefully I will have a bit of a rest and I may be able to charge my bateries. Think of going to work as a chance to charge your bateries too. I really need to find a job myself so I can get out too of motherhood. I know it sounds terrible but I think it has arrived the time where I need to go back to work. Hope your evening has gone ok

garlicbutter · 29/07/2011 23:44

Hi, love. I'm no specialist but just wanted to send you some sympathy. Four-and-a-half is a 'demanding' age anyway, without the added strain of ASD reactions. I hope you are posting on the SN board now, too.

He's quite young for a dx. Presumably you can't know for sure, yet, which of the sensory inputs are most distressing for him? Watch and learn, I guess, and try to build his awareness of things - the sooner he's able to identify his worst triggers, the better for everyone (though a child of that age can be triggered by a million things, NT or AS!)

My one practical suggestion is this: Are you able to find other mums of AS youngsters in your area? It might be possible to work out some sort of childcare exchange with them, so each of you could have some 'normal' time off. You do need to keep your own sanity, and other parents of similar DCs are likely to understand.

Hope you managed to get some quiet time this evening.

redhappy · 30/07/2011 21:47

I'm on my phone, and not so good at typing! I couldn't see how to send you a message, but I have a son with the same age and dx, and dad in the same town!

I'm currently not working, it was gettingto a point where I didn't know in the morning if I could get to work. Ds has just been awarded disability benefits, which makes a massive difference.

I don't want to go into too much detal on here, but if want to talk, or you have any questions please message me.

I would definitely go to the special needs

redhappy · 30/07/2011 21:49

Posted too soon...sn board has been very helpful for me. Lots of experienced posters and everyone's very kind.

Hope you've had an easier few days.

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