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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Fathers Day

23 replies

mammamoomin · 16/06/2011 21:46

Hello

Just wondering what others are doing to be honest.

DD dad hasn't exactly been involved in her life (shes only 21 months and he's seen her probably about 12 times).... recently he's started coming to see her once a month after a period of 6 months when he didn't visit etc.

I don't know what to do about fathers day - cards etc. To be honest I don't want even send a card, but then I'm a bit pissed off with im generally. But then I don't know if this is petty and the card would come from her - although obviously I have to make/buy one, write and send....

So what do you do???

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Tyr · 16/06/2011 21:56

I don't get fathers who do this. If you haven't been stopping from seeing her, how does he stay away from his own child?
He probably doesn't deserve it but, if it doesn't upset you doing it, I'd send one and maybe shame him.
At the very least, when your daughter is older, she can see you made the effort even if he didn't.
I wouldn't do it for him though.

gillybean2 · 17/06/2011 06:31

Don't buy a card, make one.
Bit of card, some paint on dd's hand, nice big slogdy hand print on the card and you're done. Get her to scribble inside when she's done. If you don't have any paint elc sell it quite cheaply for a big bottle (used to be £1) and it washes off nicely.

That will be more meaningful to him than a card you bought on her behalf and maybe when he looks at it (later) he might think a bit more and make more effort to see her. If he doesn't it's cost you no more than the few minutes you'd have spent buying a card anyhow.

corlan · 17/06/2011 07:50

It sticks in my throat to send those cards too.

There's some great free ecards here
I particularly like 'Dad, it's still hard to believe your someone's father' and 'You're the best weekend dad ever'.

SirGinster · 17/06/2011 12:08

agree with gillybean2, make a card with a hand print and send it. It's the positive thing to do.

Personally as a dad I don't pay much attention to Father's day. It wasn't around when I was a kid so I'm a bit cynical about it really ( though would be chuffed if I got a card from dd via her mum )

exexpat · 17/06/2011 12:14

She's 21 months - what's the point in a fathers' day card anyway? Why not wait until she's old enough to understand the concept - or at least until they are all making them at nursery or school - then let her choose what to put on it. It's all made up by Hallmark anyway....

whiteandnerdy · 17/06/2011 12:14

Yeah I too am a dad, and don't pay any attention to Father's day ... and I thought it was just me being uber grumpy!

SirGinster · 17/06/2011 12:47

I think the point, here , is that for minimal effort it has the potential to improve everyone's relationship.

VioletV · 17/06/2011 12:58

Erm why on earth would you send him a card?! Did you receive a mothers day card from him? I know it's not tit for tat but ffs why on earth would you bother?

I don't see how a homemade or bought card will change a relationship. If the guys a prick chances are he will still be a prick.

SirGinster · 17/06/2011 14:13

I guess I'm suggesting it as in my experience, biting your tongue or doing something selfless can have a positive effect.

VioletV · 17/06/2011 14:47

Sometimes, yes it can do. Depends on the person though. Good on you for being the better person. I personally couldn't do it after the hell I've been put through.

changeforthebetter · 17/06/2011 15:55

DD has come home from school with a card bearing the words "To the most fantastic Dad!" who after 18 months has got bored of paying child maintenance . I am soooo tempted to make another one saying "To the most phenomenal wanker!" (won't as am too proud of my abilitiy to remain the cool and rational one in the split )

SirGinster · 17/06/2011 15:58

Sure, I can understand that Violet. Some people are beyond help ( I'm not referring to you btw )

My break up was fairly difficult , especially when it came to organising time with dd. But after mucho tongue biting and concession everyone gets on much better now. Life is much easier without all the conflict.

If the OP sending a father's day card had any chance at all of healing any rift / getting dad to behave better, I'd encourage it.

sodaringofyou · 17/06/2011 16:13

Have had to name change for this... I am a mother who has lived apart from two of her three children for the past ten years. Whatever you think of your child's father (unless he has been violent, is a paedophile etc) you cannot imagine how much it might mean to him to get a card with a child's handprint/footprint on it if he or she is too young to write or draw anything. You may have exceedingly negative feelings for your ex but one day your child might begin to ask about his or her father and want to have a relationship with him. You can choose to either help foster a good relationship between your child and your ex or to try to blot him out. You may feel that doing the latter helps you now but it won't help your son or daughter in time to come. It is incredibly hard to try to be positive etc in these situations but for a start I do not talk about my 'ex' in front of my daughter because that is a negative term, I talk about her Dad. Even though I have the most negative feelings imaginable about him, they are my feelings and I do not seek to make them hers. I want her to have a good relationship with him even if I never want to see him again.

VioletV · 17/06/2011 16:37

sodaringofyou Why do you need to change your user name to say that? Why can't you post as yourself?!

OP If i were you do whatever you think is the best. I personally wouldn't I have my reasons and I don't and won't justify myself to anyone on here.

If you feel you wish to send him a card then do it. If you don't then carry on like it's another day. She is after all only 21 months.

Original poster

mammamoomin · 17/06/2011 20:09

eek my message obvioulsy was said all wrong! I am not sending a card no. He's not been a father to her in any other way than supplying the sperm, so I don't really see the point.

I was just wondering what other people did in similar situations.

If she wants to send one when she's older then of course I will help her with that.

OP posts:

girliefriend · 17/06/2011 20:23

Dd has no contact with her father but has a great relationship with her Grandfather so he is getting a card!!!

Original poster

mammamoomin · 17/06/2011 20:41

ah that's nice girliefriend.... DD made my sister who childminds for me a Mothers Day card.... and dad's mum got a mothers day card as she's really close to her...

OP posts:

Maelstrom · 17/06/2011 22:36

I'm with exexpat on this. I have no hesitation to buy, help DS write and send a father's day card for his dad if he so wants. However, 21 month old children don't give a hoot about cards, actually, they don't care at all about people they hardly see.

Your ex is not going to think "look what my girl did for me", he is more likely to think "why does her mother gets into this trouble"?

If you had a good relationship with him I would understand about trying to keep things nice and sweet but if he hardly shows around? please...

Maelstrom · 17/06/2011 22:39

Sodaringofyou., funny that you mention about talking about your ex as your child's dad. My eight year old has told me off for calling him "DS's dad" he says I should call him "my ex". Now, his dad insisted on DS using his first name instead of dad so perhaps that's why he preferes me to call him ex (I don't do though)

sunshineandbooks · 17/06/2011 23:23

Was going to write a long thought-out post and got totally distracted by corlan's link. ROFL.

I'd second the making one. No, he doesn't deserve it but it will cost you nothing and it's a fun with your DD doing it. Plus while I would not recommend that you chase after your DD's dad to make him be a decent dad (a decent dad does it by his own volition), it does give you the moral highground IYSWIM.

chubbasmum · 18/06/2011 22:57

hhhhhhmmmmm my kids call it another mother`s day because dad doesnt care sad but we try and get through it the best way we can until next year, we did try and do the cards and phone calls first couple of years but it wasnt appreciated so we just dont bother :(

TheHumanCatapult · 19/06/2011 07:56

my kids get me a card and treats as they say you do both jobs so you deserve it .

molemesseskilledIpom · 19/06/2011 10:17

We're not doing cards today, but I did say that we would send him something on Fathers Day where he is (Aus) in September.

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