Shared residence order: 4 and 2 yr old DCs

[WishIWasRimaHorton]

I was in court this week for a residence case. The magistrates have ruled there must be shared residence. The chilren are DS (4) and DD (2).

The split of nights is 8 with me; 6 with their dad.

I am in the pits of despair, but this isn't about me. It's about the kids.

I have to try and make it work, even though I can see the anxiety and distress this causes them. In particular I have to accept that, every other week, they are with their dad for 4 nights (5 days). This means that they won't see me for 5 days in a row.

I am terrified of the impact of the constant upheaval and to-ing and fro-ing on the children. I am dreading my daughter's anxiety and distress whenever she separates from me or when she thinks I am leaving the room. I am dreading my son's face pressed up against the car window, tears streaming down it, when it is time to go to daddy's.

Can anyone tell me how I can make this work? I feel like I have failed the children by not being able to give them a permanent stable home when they are so little. If they were 12 and 14, or even 8 and 10, it wouldn't seem so bad. But they are tiny still. What will all this upheaval and uncertainty do to them?

I've done shared-care for 5 years with 2 children a similar age to yours.

It can work if both parents want it to, and we weren't amicable at all for the first year or so. We are now though.

shared care or shared residence wellnerfermind?

i have to make this work as i have no alternative. i am not going back to court again as i have no grounds for appeal - that is quite obvious to me.

the fact that it is distressing my children is either my fault (according to some people on here and IRL as well) or else is not considered to be significant.

The thing is WishIwas, it won't work unless you give it a fair crack of the whip and it's abundantly clear to me that you will use every little comment said by the kids to twist things into fitting into your view that this situation is unfair.

Re: the home comment. It's not a big deal at all. Your child is 4 and still grasping with many concepts. My son was 1 when he first started living with me and as long as you don't react then they will soon learn it's normal. Where's the problem with them having 2 homes? Yesterday my son said was telling me that him & his mum travel to another train station as it's "closer to home" (meaning hers). I didn't rant and start crying about it. I just said "Oh ok".

The toys thing. You don't need the same toys at both houses. Jeez. Just have whatever toys you have and be done with it. When my kids are with their mum, they have whatever she's bought them, when here, they have whatever I've bought them. The kids are free to take anything from mine to their mums (After all, the toys belong to them) but to be fair, my ex is a bit of a stickler and the opposite doesn't apply. That's her rule, not mine. The kids far from being confused just understand that mum has her rules, dad has his.

Honestly OP give it time and you will realise that shared residence isn't a big deal. The main thing is that your ex is actively involved. That in the long run will far outweigh the negatives.

If you look hard enough for problems then you will find them. That rule applies everywhere and certainly in your situation.

ok so i ignore the comments. what about the anxious behaviour - the clinging to items such as beanbags / stools / chairs when it is time to separate? what about the crying and screaming in the car when it's time to go over? i ignore that too and think it's nothing. not sure if you have ever witnessed that sort of behaviour? it is beyond distressing. but am i to think that's a good thing to put my kids through 2 - 3 times a week?

and toys - yes they can go 'backwards and forwards' from my house. but not from ex's. which does create a problem.

Sounds to me like you are extremely stressed and you should get some help.

Your stress is no doubt rubbing off on your children. Maybe it is your own anxiety which is causing them to worry about you and be tearful and crying. I honestly think you need to get on with it and not drive yourself into some kind of mad hysteria. Read back over your comments on here and see if you can detect it.

have just read TheBlindAssassin's comment and am glad to read the voice of reason.

i am getting help. i am seeing a counsellor to help me deal with the anxiety that this is causing me.

but i can't just 'get on with it'. i cannot accept that this is the best thing for my children, because i believe with all my heart that it's not. i do have to make it work though - which is what my OP was actually about. how i did that...

anyway, i have had enough of all this now. clearly i just need to man up and get on with it and am creating a fuss about nothing.

Rima you are getting an unecessarily hard time on here when you are looking for support.

I think shared care suits the parents and is not in the interest of the dcs. Mine are older and would hate it. They're not even keen to go every other weekend no matter what sort of positive spin i put on it.

And if face time is not important BA then shared care might not be necessary IYKWIM ie a good relationship can still exist 70/30 or 80/20

Im so glad my exh didn't want shared care.

Why would you have children with someone you either didn't want or didn't think was capable of looking after them.

Unless the thinking is women should look after the children and men can abrogate their responsibilities.

I am having dreadful touble to with this awful court system.husb left me in 2004 and he got divorced fro stupid reasons 2005.He tells lies in court and out and has managed to get shared residency.He has my 3 children 6 8 and 10 years old 3 weekends in a row and haldf the hols.this means i only get 7 weekends a year in term time.i dont drive and he wont let me move.we live long walk from the 2 schools.i got an ulcer last year as so upset.he has ruined my life and health and am so upset ast having so few weekends.he has applied for sole residency about 5 times already and made me go to about 20 court cases.he is such a bully and such a liar but has people on his side by being charming.he dresssed them in dirty underwear fro years and still dresses them in dirty clothes and doesn't do bath ev day and got my red haired son sun burnt but the judges dont seem to care.they r always in a hurry.do u feel like setting up families needmothers?i am too stressed and worn out to

I think its odd that you can't get your son from school on his dads day if his dad can't pick him up from school? I'll give you my situation. My ex and I broke up when DD and DS were almost 2 and almost 3. They are now 5 and 6. We have an agreement between ourselves, no court involvement. He has them thurs night,fri night and sun day and night. Although those are his nights, I pick the kids up from school those days as ex works until 5.30 and I am around in the day. He then picks them up from me after work on thurs and fri night. We swap nights to help each other out if we have plans (mainly him as I never go out!). The kids are not affected at all, not anxious, perfectly well balanced children who love their mum and dad equally. I wouldn't be happy with your court order though of not seeing them for 5 days in a row, that is quite a long time. My ex doesn't see them from mon morning until thurs night but I wouldn't mind if he wanted to pop over (he never does though). I see them every day though even if it is for just an hour or two. Can you not both be a bit more flexible or will he want to stick rigidly to the order?

Oops realised this is an old thread! How has it been going OP (if you're still around)?

fluffygal

This thread is ancient ( check the date of the post above truromummy )

God knows why buttruromummy is trawling threads and leaving offensive comments, I've already reported the one above. Probably a 12 year old in the school holidays.