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Lone parents

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Original poster

help me - just lost it with the kids but so angry at H for leaving

54 replies

MrsMiggins · 09/11/2005 17:50

H left on Sat (incase you havent seen my thread)
thought I was doing OK today

then left work at 3.30pm as just had enough

went shopping instead of coming home crying & bought some clothes - but not really a shopper so cheered me up momentarily

have just lost it with the kids and shouted at them
left them eating icecream in the kitchen

DS said "you're good at shouting" as if it was a compliment
"you're good at whinning" I said and left

am crying
why is it fair that bastard H has gone off with HER and all he has to deal with is work?
while I have part time & kids and am scared stiif about money & house & work etc
he will be living 2 1/2 hrs away so it will onlyu be weekend access

and DS keeps asking why daddy isnt coming back and I keep being nice & fair but I just want to say "because he is selfish and lies"

OP posts:
throckenholt · 09/11/2005 17:53

when you feel calmer go back and give the kids a big hug and tell them you are sorry you got angry and that you are finding things difficult at the moment. Explain you are confused by what has happened, and you are worried about what might happen next - so they need to help you get through the next few months.

Take one day at a time, and if that seems too much then take one hour at a time.

stitch · 09/11/2005 17:54

coz the sad truth is that this is life.

i think you are being too hard on yourself if you think that you can get through this time sticking to the normal routine. just because you are managing okish, doesnt mean you are ok, iyswim.
can you take a few days of work? use them to relax, maybe at a gym, have a facial? massage etc, whilst kids are at school? just some time to let yourself absorb the impact?
or can someone babysit the kids for you? take them out?etc.
and there is alwaysus. talk to your hearts content. you have every right to be upset and angry right now.

stitch · 09/11/2005 17:55

how old are your kids?

ggglimpopo · 09/11/2005 17:55

Message withdrawn

steph1974 · 09/11/2005 17:55

When I get stressed like that I wait till the kids are asleep,get in bed and eat chocolate and drink wine,might not help you,but I have read your other thread,I am a single mum of 2 and I wouldnt have it any other way,in time you will feel that way too,you are going to have good and bad days,hope tomorrow is a good day.

Original poster
MrsMiggins · 09/11/2005 18:03

ds is 3 1/2
dd is 17 mths

I just feel so guilty for crying in front of them. I worry that they think they;ve upset me and I dont want to keep telling them I miss daddy even though I do

I hate him for leaving and not even bothering about us
IM the one who keeps asking him to take Fri afternoon off to come & see them - he keeps saying lots of people off work sick
SO WHAT

was doing so well today - didnt cry once and was feeling really positive
AND spent money on new clothes which no doubt H will have something to say about when sees credit card bill

OP posts:
stitch · 09/11/2005 18:11

whatever he says about credit card bill, ignore.
He left you. let him pay something.
dont make him come and see the kids. sure they will miss him, but eventually they will forget. kids get used to everything.

ggglimpopo · 09/11/2005 18:14

Message withdrawn

winnie · 09/11/2005 18:19

Mrsmiggins, don't be too hard on yourself. You are human... unless you completely stop functioning and take to your bed indefinitely tears in front of the children will not do them any lasting harm.

I agree it isn't fair (as you know I am going through the aftermath of a breakup too) it is far from fair... you absolutely don't deserve this.

But I know that your children will thank you for how you are with them now even if they can never rationalise it (due to there ages). Your h is the one missing out. The children will see through his behaviour as they grow up.

Take care,
{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}

sunchowder · 09/11/2005 18:22

MrsMI have thought the same when I was divorced, you think that he is being nutured and you are left to cook, clean, do the childcare and be the responsible one. The problem with thinking this way is that you see yourself as the victim. As you regain your balance and health, you will see that you can come from a powerful place, not only can you work, but you can manage a full life, you are far superior in your skill set then he is and you are much more self-sufficient. You can stand on your ownhe is needy and must have someone next to him. Allow youself this time, I'm sure you will say sorry to the kids and give them lots of love. You are only being human and these things take time--the angry phase, the sad phase, the grieving phase, they all have their place. Be as kind to yourself as you are able. Lot of friends are here to support you.

Original poster
MrsMiggins · 09/11/2005 18:27

i feel better
it almost seems like a panic attack where I am consumed with grief and dont know what to do

its confusing for all of us

I was sooo positive today too
dressed nicely for work, got on with it and cracked jokes then just went down hill
perhaps I should take tomorrow off as holiday and then I have til next tues til work again

the thin that is worrying me the most is the money/house side - I dont know where to start or what Im entitled to and Im also scared that H is going to screw me over & get nasty

OP posts:
stitch · 09/11/2005 18:37

mrs m, i cant remember all the advice on the other thread, but please, get that sorted NOW. see a solicitor. etc. particularly if you think he will screw you over.
have you any documentation that he left you, rather than the other way round?

Original poster
MrsMiggins · 09/11/2005 19:00

I have all our documentation
thinking of going through it all but not sure what to look for and then hiding it so that if he comes on Friday he cant help himself and I can go out for a couple of hours & enjoy myself
I have a copy of his newly negiotiated contract with £9000 pay rise

just told him I dont trust him etc regarding money and that we need to talk about money and seeing the kids etc
so he said we can talk Friday

he said he has had to stay away another night so he doesnt know what to do with his dirty clothes if he comes Friday - I hope he wasnt thinking I would do it !!

then said SHES in hospital so wont be coming with him....what a shame

wish I hadnt answered the phone - was going to give it to DS and then switch it off but coiuldnt help myself could I
pathetic

OP posts:
stitch · 09/11/2005 19:04

its your home, your phone. dont let him dictate what you do there.
yes, hide it all. inf act, get anything sensitive out of the house if you plan to leave him there alone.
call the bank and freeze any joint accounts so that he cant empty them. although he may already have doent his. ###1

go bake some chocolate chip cookies for yourself and your kkids. very therapeutic.

moondog · 09/11/2005 19:05

MrsM..just to say yet again,we're with you.

Whatever happens,the fact that he left his dear little children who needed him will eat away at his soul like a cancer for ever and ever.

Bear this in mind. Your pain is temporary. He will have a yawning chasm in his heart (whatever happens eventually) that will be there always and will never let him be at peace. Worse still,his pain is self inflicted.

Original poster
MrsMiggins · 09/11/2005 19:18

we dont have any money in our joint accounts at the moment - rather live hand to mouth cos H is so extravagant

we have one credit card of which he is the owner and I am merely the 2nd name - which means he is liable for all the debt
am going to apply for my own so I have it if I need it....

we have some ISAs and unfortunately the one with the most money in is in his name BUT it is for his pension
I could take the book as evidence money was put in there and then he cant contest my pension - my pension is far better than his

I just keep thinking about all the years we were together - even when he was made redundant and when he was v skint I helped but when I needed help with PND, he just distanced himself and went off with someone else, which made my PND worse and I felt so isolated... perahjps I should hold on to that feeling

OP posts:
moondog · 09/11/2005 19:19

Yes do. Do

Willow2 · 09/11/2005 19:29

Re washing - if he dares to do it at your house please make sure you turn the temperature up to 100.

moondog · 09/11/2005 19:30

Don't let him do it at your house fgs!!!
My friend left her bloke and went back every week for at least a year to do his cleaning.

Hello???

surfermum · 09/11/2005 19:37

My friend's partner went off with someone else, he came home when she was at work to do his washing and left it in the machine for her to hang out to dry. She buried it in the garden .

Mrs M - I think you're doing amazingly well.

Original poster
MrsMiggins · 09/11/2005 19:38

ok ok I wont let him
I just thought someone would say its still his house so I would be mean not to let him....

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMiggins · 09/11/2005 19:39

I have to say someone told me today that when they collect all their stuff that feels awful so have been considering putting all his clothes in bin bags....but thought that might be a bit mean

perhaps I will & give it all to him on Friday - then its up to him what he does with them

OP posts:
moondog · 09/11/2005 19:39

No he left.
He cant have the conveniences without the responsibilities.

moondog · 09/11/2005 19:40

Leave it somewhere where you don't have to see him pick itup. in the garden or garage? Gesture to it and then leave him to collect it himself.

sobernow · 09/11/2005 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.